Congruence - what is it in psychology, congruent human behavior

Congruence in psychology - this is when your actions, words and everything connected with you are in agreement and in accordance with each other.

Let's look at a more detailed definition.

Congruence is the consistency of your thoughts, words and actions with each other. That is, this is the complete correspondence of your verbal and non-verbal signals to each other. As a rule, it comes from a state of internal harmony and comfort of a person with himself.

This concept itself was invented by the American psychologist Carl Rogers .

In English, the term is written and sounds like " congruence [ˈkɔŋgrʊəns] ".

Synonyms are the words: authenticity, genuineness .

Each person you talk to has little mechanisms that look at what you say and determine whether you are the person you say you are or not.

Why is it so important?

What does congruence give?

All the benefits and benefits

Congruence gives you the following benefits:

Allows you to be natural and be yourself. Projection of the real self.
Don't feel pressure from others.
A healthy ecosystem of emotions.
Be relaxed and feel good.
Sincere and attractive presentation and expression of oneself.
Less effort and less unnecessary energy expenditure.

The formula for self-confidence is when every action you take is consistent with your thoughts, emotions and your ideal life.

Family psychologist, psychoanalyst Kulikova E.A.
Incongruent communication is a discrepancy between the messages conveyed by body position and movements, tone of voice, skin tone, rate of speech, and words.
That is, “two or more messages at different levels seriously contradict each other.” In a family system, many conflicts arise because members are unable to clearly express their feelings and intentions. Such ambiguous communication occurs if a person: has a low sense of self-worth and considers himself bad, is afraid of hurting other people’s feelings, is afraid of revenge, is afraid of destroying relationships, does not want to impose himself, does not recognize the importance of another person or mutual relationship. But such a person does not realize that he is expressing himself ambiguously. Virginia Satir identifies four types of communications that spouses use when trying to cope with stress or the threat of rejection: ingratiating, blaming, calculating, and detached.

If a person doubts himself, then his self-esteem is easily influenced by others.

When speaking, your whole body is involved (muscles, breathing, voice, gestures, posture). If verbal and nonverbal communication do not match, then ambiguity arises.

Ingratiating (peacemaker) - apologizes, sacrifices himself, pleases, agrees with criticism addressed to him. Victim pose. The goal is not to make your partner angry. The family often says: “Don’t impose, don’t ask.”
The accuser reproaches, behaves arrogantly, is a tough dictator. Accuser pose. The goal is for others to consider him strong. The family broadcasts: “Don’t be a coward.”
Calculating (“computer”) – does not express feelings, is reasonable, collected, cold, motionless. The pose is motionless. The goal is to avoid threats to self-esteem. The family warns: “You can’t make mistakes, don’t do anything stupid.”
Detached (inadequate) – does not respond to questions, speaks out of place, is sloppy. Movements without a goal and in different directions. The goal is to pretend that there is no threat. The family says, "Don't be serious."

Both adults and children use these types of communication. This behavior supports low self-esteem and a feeling of insignificance. But there is also a 5th type - “balanced”, “flexible”. This person is harmonious, flexible, open, his verbal and non-verbal information coincides, he is honest and free, easily solves problems and unites people, and is capable of personal growth. Such people are trusted and comfortable with them. This is congruent communication.

Various fears prevent us from achieving a “balanced” type: fear of error, criticism, loneliness, etc. You need to treat them wisely and you will feel confident. Be able to laugh at yourself and understand that even if all your fears come true, you will be alive.

Each person can choose the type of communication that is more comfortable for him. But it is possible to live fully, creatively, harmoniously, using only a “flexible” type of communication.

Ingratiating behavior causes a feeling of guilt in the partner and he may feel sorry for the former. Blaming behavior causes fear in the partner and he may submit to the former. Calculating behavior causes envy in the partner and he will try to copy the first. Detached behavior causes a feeling of melancholy and despondency, and if the partner shows a sense of humor, the first will tolerate it.

These four options lack love, trust and personality development. People using these behavioral styles hide their feelings and are afraid of being offended. They are very lonely. But there is no danger in expressing your feelings openly. Success will require a desire to change, time, a patient and loving partner.

In every relationship there is a need to be alone, and it is better to honestly tell your spouse that you are not ready to share your thoughts and feelings now than to hide your feelings and put on a “mask”. Most often, a person communicates with others either in terms of war and being right, or exploring and looking for a better way to solve a problem. The first direction leads to problems and contradictions, the second leads to personal development and creativity.

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How to achieve it

How to develop this quality in yourself:

Be sincere and honest with yourself and everyone around you. This is the main position.
When communicating with people, don’t try at all, don’t make any effort.
Be as natural as possible.
Do not change your tone of voice and do not adapt to someone else's tone and manner of speech.
Don't resist your current state! Accept it completely.
Don't close or hide your emotions.

Examples of congruent and incongruent communication

Congruence can be considered not only as a fact in psychology, but also as a characteristic of communication .

An example of congruent behavior: absolute sincerity, a state of harmony and integrity. A person does, says and feels the same thing . He never lies, communicates without falsehood, is sincere and attractive, and can always find a common language with everyone.

An example of incongruence is lying, flattery, situations in which a sad person says that he is having fun and feels joyful, but in fact he is not (contradicting himself). Incongruent people are always false , there is no sincerity in their words, they act repulsively on others.

Sincerity and honesty towards yourself and everyone around you is the key

Communicate with all people sincerely and honestly. In any case, answer people's questions honestly.

This is super important.

It is very easy to start lying to yourself and other people.

The question is that many men and women on this planet do not think about the fact that if you start lying even at a microscopic moment, this is already a path that makes you feel worse .

The point is that if you are sincere and honest with yourself and the people around you, then you cannot feel bad about it. There is nothing in this paradigm that will have a bad effect on you.

Then all questions about what congruence is are immediately closed. Because if there is internal harmony, then no one will destroy it.

From here, the corresponding correct words and actions will be generated from the correct state.

Basic principles of congruence in behavior

The main principle of congruence is sincerity and honesty. A person fully accepts himself as a person whose internal sensations correlate with real actions.

A congruent person is not afraid of himself; he knows how to voice his own emotions and live in harmony with them, whatever they may be.

What we are not talking about here is the suppression of feelings and emotions, here we are talking about the ability to correctly broadcast them to the world, while remaining absolutely open and honest with oneself and the majority of others.

What is it like to communicate with a congruent person?

How to easily recognize congruent and genuine people during communication, what qualities they possess:

A congruent person is, first of all, one who never lies or lies to others.
Such a person is attractive and inspires trust.
Such people want to open up , because you are also drawn into his sincere and open communication without falsehood.
Such a person knows how to easily find a common language with other people.

The more you match the behavior that is most authentic and natural to you now, the more people will trust you, because they see who you are.

Congruent relationships with people are, first of all, relationships built on complete sincerity, openness and trust in each other.

For example

Let's look at examples of congruent behavior:

If a person is really in a relaxed mood, and in his words and presentation he corresponds to his state and energy, then in this case there will be congruent communication and natural communication.
If a person is truly at high energy and his words and actions fully correspond to this, then the person will also be congruent. In general, there is nothing wrong with high energy.
I'll give another example of a guy's congruence towards an unfamiliar girl . The guy sees this girl, he really likes her and is attracted to him. He approaches her and immediately speaks of his intentions. He openly says that he is very attracted to the girl, that she is very pretty and he likes her. He doesn't fuss, doesn't beat around the bush, doesn't talk about strange and inappropriate things. The guy simply sincerely shows his intentions and desires , without hiding anything.

We describe in more detail how a guy can naturally communicate and get to know a girl without wasting energy, here at the link.

What are the benefits of congruent behavior?

Congruence has several important advantages that are worth discussing in more detail:

A congruent person behaves naturally and always acts in harmony with his inner state;
A person with a congruent beginning knows perfectly well what he needs from others, from life, from himself. No amount of pressure from others can turn him away from the true path;
Emotions are not suppressed. And this is very important, since emotions and feelings “buried” deep within yourself can one day lead to hysteria or cause you to constantly experience severe stress on a seemingly groundless basis;
Sincerity often attracts others. Congruent people find it easier to make friends, others like them and are the life of the party;
A congruent personality spends much less energy and internal resources on “masks.” She doesn’t try to pretend to be someone else, she remains herself in any situation.

Reasons for incongruent actions in people

Trying hard in front of others

A person tries to impress and uses too high a tone, although this does not correspond to his inner calm state.

He speaks too quickly, tries too hard, and puts in unnecessary effort. He can do this both consciously and unconsciously.

A person cannot maintain such communication for a long time, because this is his incongruent state. If he was really wound up and had a high emotional high, then he would be congruent.

Trying not to try

Overly playful communication, trying to appear relaxed and smooth in front of people, although you are not - this is incongruence on your part.

For example, you try to make your voice too low in front of a girl when yours is actually louder.

The problem is that if you forcefully struggle to maintain high energy and a strong presentation of yourself, then you will quickly get tired and will not be able to communicate like that for a long period of time.

As a result, you will eventually begin to leak yourself, or your interlocutor will do it.

Why does a person act incongruently?

One of the main reasons for this behavior is the elementary desire to please everyone and seem better than everyone else. The person tries to impress everyone at once, while showing reactions that are completely unusual for him.

For example, he suddenly raises the intonation of his voice, making extra efforts, trying to copy another person’s manner of speech or movements.

Other possible reasons for incongruity include wanting to show everyone how much higher your status is than others. Often, in fact, the incongruent person has no status at all.

A person is not satisfied with his life, his behavior. He is desperately resisting who he really is. This leads to constant insincerity, the person only wears “masks” - for friends she puts on one, for relatives - another, for colleagues - a third.

But he leaves his real self somewhere so deep that internal resistance gives rise to psychological problems.

Deep reasons, what is the root cause of everything

Let's look at the underlying causes of incongruity:

People try to demonstrate high-status behavior when communicating, actually have high status
At first, a person may be able to retain this behavior, but after a while it no longer works.
The reason is that you don't have this high value, and you don't like it, and you resist it!

This is the reason for the emergence of internal resistance.

When you resist what is, you become incongruent.

How to regain a girl's self-confidence: informed and wise tips for women on how to gain self-confidence.
How to become a liberated person: an article about how to overcome shyness in communication, how to get rid of shyness and modesty.
We describe how to build a relationship between a guy and a girl with complete mutual understanding, trust and sincerity at this link.

How to solve a problem - a useful exercise

Develop this high-status behavior and build it in the most natural and natural way.

The exercise of “non-resistance” is useful for developing congruence.

Choose a quiet, calm place and communicate with all the people there. Be completely yourself and don't resist anything.

The key to the exercise is that when you feel the need to do something that you don't want to do, you still DON'T do it.

Main key points of this exercise:

If you are nervous, it means you are NOT trying to hide your nervousness and are letting it come out. You express it verbally or non-verbally, through gestures.
You should not and are not obliged to say or do anything forcibly.
Whatever you feel , you naturally speak and voice it.
After 20 minutes of communicating with different groups of people, you will feel the fire. Your brain will wake up and be carried away by this process. Read more about how to be passionate about the process and motivation here.
The benefit is that instead of playing someone else's role, you are yourself .
At first there will be awkwardness because your brain is not awake. It's all simple.
Ask yourself: How am I feeling right now? – and correspond to this state.
Your brain wakes up and engages from this natural and congruent position. The brain understands that people accept your natural state and who you are at the moment .
Don't run away or leave the interaction too early. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.
Don't resist anything!

Incongruity: what is it and how does it manifest itself?

If everything is more or less clear with congruence, then what is incongruence. Here, as in other cases, it is easier to explain the term using real-life examples.

What is Mindfulness. Living consciously is an art! Here and now, guys, here and now

Let's assume that all the students wrote the test well. The teacher, completely unconcerned about such great successes of his students, indifferently says: “You are great. Congratulations".

At the same time, facial expressions, gestures, gaze - everything expresses coldness and indifference. This is an example of a nonverbal discrepancy between feelings and words.

In fact, incongruence is the opposite of congruence. This is a discrepancy between internal feelings and behavior. Sometimes its manifestation cannot be hidden, since the whole appearance of a person indicates, for example, real irritation instead of ostentatious joy or pleasure.

Incongruity has many nonverbal signals that we sometimes are not aware of. This can be intonation, body position, gestures, gaze, and even an involuntary smile.

An interlocutor with developed empathy will, willy-nilly, distance himself from an incongruent person, reading these minor signals and realizing that something is wrong with this person.