Who is a toxic person and how to recognize toxicity in yourself - protection from destructive communication

A toxic person is a person who, in any case, seeks to delegate responsibility for his own actions and misdeeds. It is easier for a toxic person to blame the environment for the experiences he feels, the troubles he has endured, problems, and mental lamentations, or to belittle, hurt, or “prick” another individual in order to feel his own superiority. Such people tend to constantly cry and dramatize. They cannot understand other people's problems and infect those around them with negativity. The personalities described do not allow themselves to openly show aggression or anger, so they use hidden methods.

Who is a toxic and why is it bad?

It is difficult to give an exact definition of a toxic person, since the individual has a lot of negative qualities.

If an individual deprives others of faith in themselves, then this is a toxic person. Toxics avoid responsibility for their actions and shift the blame to others. Toxic people love to complain and dramatize, creating an aura of negative emotions around themselves.

Psychology explains why toxicity is bad:

1. Toxic people show emotional immaturity and tend to throw out their emotions on others with or without reason.
2. Toxics lack compassion and the ability to experience empathy.
3. Often toxic people show selfishness and cause inconvenience to others.
4. They think negatively and infect others with their own pessimism.
5. They like to criticize, give caustic remarks, and unsolicited advice.
6. Their actions and actions are difficult to plan and predict.
7. We are sure that we are always right in everything.
8. They masterfully present themselves as victims and blame everyone around them.
9. Toxics can lose control of themselves and do not have the skill to manage their emotions.

Agree, an unpleasant portrait is emerging. Do you have toxic people around you? How do you prefer to communicate with them? Tell us about your experience in the comments.

Training

In the modern world, you have to deal with toxic people quite often, and each of these meetings can leave negative emotions. However, if you learn to give such people an effective rebuff, then they will never be able to upset your emotional balance.

A great way to develop your skills in dealing with toxic people is the Emotional Intelligence course from Vikium. It consists of 20 lessons and is designed to develop skills for effectively interacting with people. This course will help you:

• resolve conflicts effectively;
• maintain equanimity in difficult situations;
• notice signs of deception during dialogues;
• learn to manage your emotions;
• increase self-confidence;

The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. He is the director of Paul Ekman International in Russia.

Paul Ekman is a world expert in the psychology of emotions, deception detection and nonverbal behavior:

• included in the top 100 most influential people in the world;
• intelligence consultant for the CIA, FBI, Scotland Yard;
• the world's best “LIVING LIE DETECTOR” Forbes;
• 50 years of scientific research;
• author of 170 scientific papers and 15 books;
• scientific consultant for the TV series “Lie to Me” and “Inside Out”.

Types of Toxic People

Toxic people are unique in their own way; each individual has their own set of “toxins”. But the most common groups of toxic people are identified.

Perfectionist

Outwardly, a toxic perfectionist looks perfect: his hair is styled hair to hair, his clothes are ironed, his shoes are polished. The house is sterile clean. Toxic looks at the world around him with a suspicious squint, as if looking for new imperfections.

Toxic perfectionists will not miss the opportunity to rudely criticize others (wearing an unfashionable dress, uneven lipstick, and in general, you need to think about studying).

They are very stingy with praise, gratitude, and kind words. They expect it from others, but are not ready to give it themselves. After communicating with a toxic perfectionist person, you lose inspiration, self-confidence, and a positive attitude.

Teacher

The toxic teacher believes that he is always right, helps people and does a great thing - improves the world. In fact, one learns that a person is giving unsolicited advice.

By their behavior, toxic people can provoke self-doubts, complexes, or even serious mental disorders in others.

For example, a mother tells her daughter that she can’t wear shorts with her figure; it’s better to choose a loose, floor-length dress. The girl begins to consider herself fat and ugly, stops eating, and an eating disorder appears.

Caring mother

If a toxic teacher only talks, then this type is in a hurry to act, no one asks the toxic person to do this. The individual is confident that she knows better what her husband, child, friend, etc. need.

For example, a “caring mother” may take her daughter’s poems to a publishing house and publish them in a local newspaper, although the girl was not ready to demonstrate her creativity to the public.

If you don’t thank for the “help” provided, then a toxic person of this type will begin to be offended and accuse you of lack of gratitude. But in case of real problems, the “caring mother” is in no hurry to provide help, distances herself, and pretends that this does not concern her.

Does this only apply to children and parents?

A person grows up unadapted to life, and this applies not only to children. For example, the husbands of “caring mothers” do not know how to pay the bill, how to make an appointment with the doctor, or what products to buy for salad. A child with such parents leads a well-fed, prosperous and comfortable life, but still feels unhappy, because he does not know how to understand himself, listen to himself, or make independent decisions.

Victim

A toxic victim or psychological masochist constantly expresses dissatisfaction and broadcasts negative emotions. For a toxic victim, everyone is to blame (the government system, life, neighbor, parents, janitor, etc.).

Often the toxic victim broadcasts negative attitudes: “Do you want to get a cat? Yes, he will shit and bring infection into the house,” “Are you getting married? Yes, all men are the same, he’ll go to someone else.”

The victim herself attracts troubles and teaches those around her to do the same. If she has a child, he does not show any ambitions in the future, prefers to “go with the flow” and not set serious goals for himself.

Read more about victim behavior in the article on victim behavior.

Envious

For a toxic envious person, someone else's success is a personal misfortune, an insult. They are not able to share other people’s happiness, they prefer to devalue other people’s achievements: “Yes, he got an A because he cheated,” “Probably, she got the position because she was sleeping with her boss.”

In a team, a toxic envious person can organize real bullying and will do everything through other people.

needy

A toxic that destroys human time, resources, and occupies personal space. He is constantly in trouble, he needs help, a “vest for tears”, attention. A toxic person can suddenly come to visit, call and take away a person’s personal time, while all he wants to do is just publicly whine. Rejects real help.

For example, a toxic person cannot find a job. The person invites the toxic person to write a resume together, talk to friends about vacancies, and place an advertisement for a job search. A toxic person ignores this and continues to complain about problems.

Additional classification

This is not the only classification of toxic people. There is also a more detailed, expanded one.

Key signs you need to know

A toxic person has certain signs in behavior and communication:

1. They take everything too literally. They actively impose their own opinions on others.
2. They don’t convince or talk, but get their way with scandals and dramas.
3. They are not interested in the affairs, mood, or well-being of the interlocutor. They only talk about their loved ones.
4. They gossip, they can speak badly about a person behind their back, but in their eyes they can give compliments and smile sweetly.
5. They comment negatively on the actions of others and always know “what’s best.”
6. They defend their point of view in a dispute to the last, even if they are obviously wrong.
7. They can lie for their own benefit.
8. They can flare up and begin to sort things out over any trifle.
9. When communicating with them, there is clearly a feeling of mental discomfort.
10. They show their love only when they need something from a person.
11. They may abruptly interrupt communication without explaining the reasons.

How to understand that you are a toxic person

You can identify toxicity in yourself based on the following signs:

• looking for negativity in the words and actions of people around you;
• attempts to change a person, force him to live by different rules;
• unwillingness to admit one's own wrong;
• habit of judging others;
• the desire to hurt a person more painfully during a showdown;
• People often receive comments and advice to change their intonation or become simpler;
• frequent manifestations of aggression, involvement in conflicts, discussions.

A beautiful maiden - a shy girl, a beauty or a young woman

In school lessons, many of us were told that the old Russian expression “krasna devitsa” means “beautiful girl.” And the word “red” was used to denote the color red. But if you look at old dictionaries, you can see a different explanation.

In some old dictionaries, “fair maiden” is interpreted as modest, shy, bashful.

So, if you believe the compilers of ancient dictionaries, the phrase “fair maiden”, through its interpretation “modest,” acquires a direct connection with color.

After all, what is characteristic in the behavior of an embarrassed young charmer? It is known that her “cheeks turned red.” In the sense - they acquired a reddish tint. That is, the girl was embarrassed and blushed.

In one of the dictionaries you can even find the following synonym example, used in everyday life, explaining the expression “a beautiful girl” - “a girl is beautiful in behavior.” In other words, she behaved modestly and blushed deeply every time.

So “red maiden” did not necessarily mean “beautiful.” The young woman described could well be ugly, but well-behaved.

Fans of paganism claim that the phrase “fair maiden” originally had nothing to do with beauty or modesty. And it pointed exclusively to... the character’s age.

The word “red” comes from the name of the daughter of the goddess Rhoda, the ancient Russian goddess of tenderness and meekness Kora (Kra). The “fair maiden” among the pagans was understood as “a female person at a tender young age.”

Young girls, emphasizing their age, actually wore red belts, but then they were called red belts. And the age itself was called red, that is, dedicated to the goddess Kra (Kore).

In general, according to the age scale, the life path of a representative of the fair sex was divided into several stages:

Why people become toxic - reasons

A person can become toxic for reasons:

1. Lack of love, understanding, support from family.
2. The practice of cruel corporal punishment in the family.
3. Bullying of a child (at school, from older children in the family, in the yard).
4. Genetic pathologies of the psyche.
5. Dysfunctional, disrespectful atmosphere in the family.

Goals and main benefits of toxicity

Many people engage in toxic behavior on purpose because they see a benefit:

1. Self-affirmation at the expense of others, as they have very low self-esteem.
2. The desire to hear approval and compliments from others.
3. The ability to play a double game (today he communicates well with a person, tomorrow he says nasty things about him).
4. An opportunity to attract attention.
5. Taking out your negative emotions on other people.

Toxicity in the media and social networks

Toxic attitudes towards a person can be found in the media, on social networks, in posts and videos of bloggers.

Toxic authors and journalists like to embellish events, believing that this way the material will generate more interest and excitement. But this causes confusion among knowledgeable people.

Toxicity in the media and social networks manifests itself in the love of unfounded condemnation and unsubstantiated information.

Negative news and toxic information articles pour in on people in a huge stream, making them feel insecure, anxious, and weak.

More and more toxic bloggers and authors base their content on dissatisfaction with someone or something, the so-called hate. They hate books, people, music, individual statements, often taken out of context.

There is a category of people who love to “crap” and behave toxicly on the Internet, knowing that nothing will happen for it. They seem to deliberately travel from site to site, from profile to profile, to leave hurtful, toxic and humiliating comments, often richly decorated with obscene language.

How do you respond to toxicity in the media and social networks? Share your opinion in the comments.

Dead of night

Dark, long winter night... I wake up in the middle of this night; The swarm of dreams flies away; The sighted eyes stare into the darkness. An incoming series of gloomy thoughts quickly replaces my dreams... At night, when everyone is silent and asleep, the hours of lonely vigil are sad. I feel like I'm in a coffin. Darkness and silence. I don’t see, I don’t hear... I want to live, and, mortally grieving, I am trying to throw off the oppressive roof. The likeness of a coffin is unbearable to the heart; The spirit's former strength is weakening... The dark, long winter night has worn me out with its ominous silence. Suddenly, while my sick mind was dreaming that the last hour was coming, Gulko rang out the double Blagovest outside the frame into the bell of the neighboring church. Glory to you, morning announcer! Sleepy peace is no longer scary to me. It's time for light and life! The dark one is coming to an end! 1894

Why We Get Into Toxic Relationships

A person, without noticing it, can become a victim in a toxic relationship for the following reasons:

1. Fear of being alone. A person agrees to any relationship, even a toxic one, as long as he is not abandoned.
2. Low self-esteem. The person believes that he does not deserve to communicate normally with others.
3. Pressure from society. For example: “You must have friends”, “Mother is always right, she must be respected and appreciated”, “At your age it is high time to get married.”
4. A person does not know how to be happy on his own; he seeks happiness from other people.
5. Repeating the mistakes of your parents, who also practiced toxic relationships.
6. Excessive sacrifice, selflessness.
7. Failures in personal and social life.

What absolutely should not be done

If a toxic person has been noticed around you, in his presence you absolutely must not:

Reveal your secrets, share personal information and experiences. All this will be used against you in the future.

Participate in gossip, discuss others.

Follow the lead of a toxic person, feel sorry for him, believe that he will change.

Show initiative, initiate a dialogue first, accept gifts and help from the toxic person.

Enter into an argument, try to zealously prove your point of view.

Pretend that this state of affairs is absolutely satisfactory.

Explanation of the saying “strike while the iron is hot”

Strike while the iron is hot

Strike while the iron is hot - if the necessary conditions or a favorable situation have arisen to implement your plans, act immediately. Luck comes to those who know how to use their chance

The English equivalent of the expression “strike while the iron is hot”: hoist your sail when the wind is fair—raise your sails when the wind blows fair

Synonyms of the proverb “strike while the iron is hot”

• We must blow while the wind blows
• Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today
• Mow, scythe, while there is dew
• Strike while the iron boils
• When the wood is burning, then the porridge is cooked
• When it boils, then cook!
• Catch flies, spider, as long as the legs are not plucked
• Nice until you catch a cold
• When it's hot in the oven, then it's cooked.
• Pull the veins while you're alive!
• If the reins are broken, you can't control the tail
• If you cut a healthy tree, a rotten one will fall down on its own.
• Soar the bone in time!

Application of the expression in literature

• - “Strike while the iron is hot, as they say, your lordship,” Dolgopolov non-stop poured words like peas” (V. Ya. Shishkov “Emelyan Pugachev”) - “A matter is a matter, it must be resolved. As they say, strike while the iron is hot. “I don’t know how to start,” Kuzma hesitated” (Valentin Rasputin “Money for Maria”) - “At the same time, my innate foresight, keeping in mind all the circumstances I heard and noticed, pulled me towards discoveries according to the proverb “strike iron until hot” (A. S. Green “The Golden Chain”) - “Taking advantage of the queen’s favor, Grigory Alexandrovich, remembering the Russian proverb: “Strike while the iron is hot,” first of all hastened to reward his ambition” (N. E. Heinze “Prince of Taurida” ) - “I was stunned, but soon recovered; she gave me a note from her guardian: “Strike while the iron is hot, I’m going to my mother to prepare her” (P. P. Vyazemsky “Letters and Notes of Ommer de Gell”)

How to stop being a toxic person

Toxicity does not decorate a person; it makes his relationships with people difficult. To stop being toxic, you need to, first of all, understand that those around you don’t owe anyone anything. Neither friends, nor colleagues, nor relatives are obliged to constantly help out, help, or provide support. If a person realizes this, he will cease to be dependent.

It's important to stop complaining. Typically, a complaint has no purpose. And if there is no goal, then it is better to spend energy on solving the problem rather than on empty whining.

You will have to work significantly on your worldview, learn to see the good in people. Also, some people show toxicity for a banal reason - they have nothing to do. Once you find an interesting hobby, you won’t have time or desire to discuss and judge others.

Thank you for reading the article. Toxic people can ruin a person’s life, but we have the power to resist them. Has it ever happened that you were bullied by a toxic person? How was the situation resolved? Tell us in the comments.

Repost the article and add it to your bookmarks so that you can recognize a toxic person, resist it, and not turn into such a person yourself.