Why does a man find fault with little things? How should we feel about this?

Again, the soup is too salty, the house is a mess (and it doesn’t matter that the cleaning was done yesterday), the shirt is not perfectly ironed, and the food is not heated to the optimal temperature. Unfortunately, unreasonable anger and aggression on the part of a partner is not a rare occurrence in couples, but the true reason for such behavior is not always clear. Why does a man find fault with little things and how to deal with it?

Problems at work

As the saying goes, “there is no smoke without fire,” it’s unlikely that a man will express his complaints just like that, there’s no getting around it. It is important to identify the reason for this behavior and then look for ways to solve this problem.

Unfortunately, not all men can share the concept of work/home. Most representatives of the stronger sex unknowingly bring work problems into the family. Of course, this is not right, the family should not suffer because the boss snaps at him, plans are on hold, a terrible deadline. But also try to understand your man. For whom does he try so hard and endure all this? For the sake of the family.

To have something to support her. If your husband comes home from work, don’t immediately start talking, don’t aggravate your already disturbed psychological state, let him be alone with himself, recover after a hard day at work. Having normalized his emotional state and calmed down, a man is unlikely to pay attention to the imperfections around him, be it dust that hasn’t been wiped off or dinner that hasn’t been warmed up.

About petty people, or How they become unbearable

There are two ways:

Bad character from early childhood. Long gone are the days when children were considered heavenly angels; after Z. Freud it is already difficult to think so. And it’s not just about sexual desire (sexuality), which awakens early, but is not realized by the child in its true quality until adolescence. In the context of the topic, something else is important: the foundation of personality is laid in childhood (up to 5 years). And sometimes it happens that by this age a person has already been spoiled by his parents or environment (mothers, nannies, grandmothers, grandfathers). In the future, the child will grow into a person who blames his parents for all his failures or finds fault with them over trifles, reproaching them for not writing the best life scenario for his fate. Life has turned a joyful man into a petty tyrant. The first path of transformation into someone who is dissatisfied with everything and everyone is difficult to prove in practice. Because it is impossible to say with great certainty whether a child is predisposed to petty grievances, or whether a person has become like this over the course of his life. But on earth there live millions of gloomy people who previously exuded inner light, and now sad existence has turned them into petty and harmful subjects. The entire human race is at risk. Life can ruin anyone's character. When a person hears about petty people, he usually grimaces and shakes his head, and in the future he joins the ranks of dissatisfied picky people. Life is not without a sense of humor.

Crisis of “need”2

As a rule, this condition occurs in men aged 30-40 years. When he should have settled down. Find your field of activity, be sure that what you do is useful and necessary. But it is at this age that a representative of the stronger sex begins to doubt whether this is really so.

And all because if this is still not the case, he still has the time and energy to change everything in his life. But how do you know if it is moving in the right direction? Against the background of this confusion, the psychological state is greatly aggravated. Sadness, apathy, increased irritability and, as a result, a tendency to conflict appear. A man needs to throw out his emotions somewhere, and, unfortunately, the first one who comes to hand is his woman.

Unreasonable nagging is an opportunity to lead to conflict in order to let off steam. In this case, in order to prevent such an outcome of events, the woman should initially support the man. Saying that what he does is useful and important. You need to try to find words so that your companion can believe in himself.

Characteristic manifestations

A picky person is characterized by: reproaches, reproaches, criticism, reproaches, discussions.

You can understand that a picky person is next to you by the presence of certain manifestations:

putting forward high demands on one’s person, increased self-criticism;
constant dissatisfaction with the partner, manifested in nit-picking about his behavior, words, appearance;
pedantry is a possible manifestation of pickiness (a pedant constantly monitors order, even the slightest inaccuracies and shortcomings catch his eye);
such a person often resorts to criticism, and does not notice his shortcomings at all;
a picky individual can discuss the behavior and actions of other people, moreover, he will not refuse to judge if someone behaves incorrectly (by his standards);
the appearance of irritability and sometimes aggressive behavior in a situation when something does not go as the person intended or imagined in his head.

Picky people are usually touchy and complex. Their nagging is a manifestation of their own weakness. The exception is people who have extensive life experience or serious knowledge in a certain field. Their nagging is necessary for students and the younger generation.

Pickiness in relationships

Examples of pickiness: a husband reproaching his wife for wasting money; a wife expressing her dissatisfaction with her husband about scattered socks or the toilet lid not being lowered.

Let's look at what signs may indicate that a person is being picky in a relationship.

You obsess over little things. And many of these things don't matter when it comes to long-term compatibility and relationship success. Whether they are superficial preferences such as hair color or the types of movies someone likes, you become focused on small differences or things you would like to change in a potential partner. Although you understand in your head that these things do not create or destroy relationships, you still struggle unsuccessfully to overcome them. Your mind is constantly on alert for new cons or reasons not to date this person.
You can easily determine that something is wrong with your partner. Your mind has the ability to focus on details and find flaws, big and small, in anyone. You have the ability to make a mountain out of a mountain by clinging to small flaws, concentrating and obsessing over them.
You rarely feel a strong connection. You're bored on dates. It's almost impossible to feel the spark because your standards are too high for others to meet. After a date, you tend to overanalyze and often feel neutral or uninterested.
You have strict requirements and you do not want to compromise them. There is an image of an ideal person in your head. You may think you know what you want, but often the ideals we create don't match the people who actually come into our lives.

Now you know who picky people are. Remember that this character trait, as a rule, has a certain background; there are certainly some predisposing factors hidden behind it. If you notice that you have become picky or someone has started pointing out to you the presence of such an unpleasant trait, be sure to determine what in your particular case led to the development of pickiness and correct the situation. If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a psychologist. The specialist will identify the cause and select the most suitable option for getting rid of pickiness.

Consumer attitude towards women3

This is the most difficult situation, because if a man initially treats a woman as a thing, it is already difficult to change. This is the type of male representatives who are used to “taking” without giving anything in return.

They are selfish and believe that everyone owes them. Without receiving from a woman what he expected, you can be sure that completely unfounded and illogical nagging, aggression, and insults will be thrown at her. Therefore, in this situation, the only advice is to avoid such men. They can no longer be changed, and your nerves are more valuable.

How to react and defend yourself, what to answer to the boss?

Continuous showdowns have a negative impact on the work of the entire team as a whole: you must admit, it’s not very pleasant to fulfill your duties when everyone around you is just waiting for the next scandal. Therefore, the first thing to do is to isolate yourself from what is happening as much as possible. Solve problems as they arise: when the boss starts arguing with you, then get involved in the process.
Remind yourself what responsibilities are stated in your employment contract. Try to do what is required, and then your conscience will be calm. Don't jump over your head in hopes of pleasing your boss. If your boss is always criticizing you for the wrong reasons, he will continue to do so.
Don't overreact: this will please the director and some members of your team too. Think of nagging as an annoying fly - yes, it interferes, but it does not poison your life at all.
ATTENTION ! If your boss calls you into his office for a separate conversation, act confidently and naturally. Don't shout, don't start noisy quarrels.
Talk as usual and always give reasons if you argue with your boss. Never do this in public - why put on a show and distract your colleagues from work?
There are times when aggression really helps (if used in doses). It is enough to clearly explain to the manager once that you do not intend to tolerate his arbitrariness, and the attitude will change before your eyes. The main thing is not to overdo it - you don’t want to get a reputation as a scandalous person.

Wrong attitude of a woman4

And finally, the main reason for male aggression is the wrong behavior of a woman. If a man has no problems with work, there is no midlife crisis, and he is not a “consumer,” then it is the woman’s attitude that will be the cause of his negative emotions.

Perhaps the woman is trying to crush the male ego with her behavior. And everything that threatens and does not allow the masculine nature to manifest itself will be rejected by the stronger sex on a subconscious level. Hence the aggression, and, by the way, very justified.

Also, one of the reasons for aggressive behavior on the part of a man is the increased obsession of a woman. Of course, excessive talkativeness is inherent in female nature, but everything needs to be done in moderation. Think, if you start telling a man all sorts of uninteresting stories from the lives of his girlfriends or about an unrealistically profitable sale of boots, he will calm down and become cheerful? Hardly.

Most likely, on the contrary, this will anger him even more, and as a result, aggression will turn into unconcealed anger, and then expect trouble. You can't just get away with nitpicking here. This could develop into a huge scandal, the result of which could be very disastrous.

Therefore, when asking the question why a man finds fault with little things, first analyze the situation. Perhaps a woman’s behavior is the main reason for aggression on the part of her partner. If you are sure that this is not the case, but the source of such an attitude is still not clear, choose a moment when the man is emotionally calm and discuss this topic with him.

Having found out the reason for this behavior, do not blame your companion, but think together about how you can resolve the current situation in order to avoid negative consequences for both parties.

Possible reasons

Picky behavior can be observed in a person who has a wealth of knowledge or extensive life experience.
Pickiness is a negative character trait, which is manifested by presenting excessive demands to someone for any reason, sometimes insignificant, elevating the mistakes of other people to the level of a general personal quality, giving them unnecessarily great importance .

Pickiness can be determined by the presence of certain factors, life experiences, and psychological problems in a person’s life. We will look at the main reasons.

Consequences of suppressed emotions. A person who suppresses anger, fear, shame or sadness is bound to become picky.
The presence of unsatisfied feelings, and sometimes even basic needs.
Cheating on your partner will also lead to pickiness. For example, a man who has a mistress will definitely find fault with his wife’s every move, pointing out to her that she doesn’t know how to cook or doesn’t clean well.
Narcissism. Narcissists have very large egos and with their pickiness they try to show superiority over others. Based on the desire to maintain this superior identity, narcissists always seek partners who are perfect, at least according to their own perception. This is why narcissists become extremely picky when they enter into a relationship or purchase anything.
Availability of many options. When a person has not one, but several options, he automatically becomes more selective. It's part of human nature. For example, when a woman has many fans who like her, she becomes very picky in choosing a life partner, clinging to the shortcomings of gentlemen who are unworthy of her.
High level of knowledge. An ideal example is a situation where you have a picky mentor. There is a person nearby who has a certain amount of knowledge and experience. As a student, you will often listen to criticism about the work you do. Your mistakes or shortcomings will seem ridiculous and unacceptable to your mentor, so he will find fault.
Stubbornness and perseverance. The more stubborn and persistent a person is, the more likely it is that he will continue to look for the chosen item and will not settle for analogues. Here we can give an example: a woman wants to buy a red coat, always with oval buttons, and only the right length.
Concept of high self-awareness. People who have high self-awareness or high self-esteem may become overly picky due to the belief that they deserve an ideal partner.

Expectations about family life did not come true

Remember in fairy tales, “and they lived happily ever after and died on the same day.” We each have our own expectations of how family life will turn out. What kind of relationships will there be, how many children will there be, what kind of house or apartment will there be, will there be animals, etc., etc. And so, those same family everyday life came when the initial intoxication caused by the work of love hormones passed and eyes opened to all the shortcomings of your other half.

The job is done, and nothing can be changed, and you clearly understand that your dream of that same magical family life will never come true, and disappointment sets in!

This reason occurs in both men and women; it is not worth blaming men for being dreamers. Think for yourself, what expectations did you have about the relationship?

What to do in such a situation?

First things first, talk. Frankly, honestly. The most important thing is without conflicts and claims. Difficult? No more trust? This means we need to restore and conquer. In a good way, when you know what did not come true for your husband with you, then you can slightly change your behavior or attitude towards him. I won’t reveal a secret if I say that add a little affection, tenderness and attention, and he will become a little happier, and the dissatisfied expression on his face will appear less often.

And if you don’t know what he’s dissatisfied with, then you can’t change anything, maybe he doesn’t like your borscht, and if you cook it differently, everything will work out. (joke)

Want to improve your relationship? Do you want to receive support, attention, love from your man? In fact, it is not so difficult, you just need to learn to say the right words at the right moment! I suggest you download the checklist “22 phrases that will save your relationship”!

Watch the video “How to Talk to Your Husband”

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Copy behavior

Another effective method of dealing with a grumbler is copying. Start behaving similarly. If complaints arise about housekeeping, counter it with a small salary and inability to fix anything in the house. There are plenty of reasons. Moreover, an even greater effect is obtained if you enjoy your behavior.

And to show how unpleasant constant grumbling is all day, try to exactly copy his words and even intonation. This will give the husband the opportunity to look at himself from the outside. This method is effective. Women note that after such behavior, many husbands change their attitude, restrain their grumbling, and nagging becomes much less frequent.

It is not recommended to throw hysterics, showdowns, trying to prove that you are right. This may shock him for a while, but the nagging won't stop for long. After some time, complaints will appear again, and hysteria will no longer be effective.

If insults and humiliation are of a mocking nature, the man takes pleasure in his own behavior; unfortunately, not a single method will help somehow change the situation. In this case, it is better for him to visit a psychologist.

And for a woman, one piece of advice - think about whether your relationship is worth constant humiliation and insults, whether you can endure your entire life, suppressing your own thoughts and desires, internal protest. Or I deserve better treatment. Usually in such a union there is no love, it is replaced by habit. After all, a lover will not insult or tolerate such treatment all his life.

What kind of petty person is this? Someone who needs sympathy

The world is not without evil people. Can't argue with that. But in most cases, a neighbor’s grumbling is based on psychological problems. The task of those who care: to help a person free himself from internal bile and let in the light. How to do it?

Straight Talk. People don't trust words. There is too much noise around. But sincere communication between people is a luxury that is still available to everyone. If people could talk to each other without hiding behind masks, then many problems in the family or at work would not arise. But they are afraid. Fear remains the main human emotion. Attentive attitude towards the “petty person”. If a parent or spouse is rapidly “harmful”, then you can pull them back and point out to them an undesirable transformation.

How effective the mentioned methods will be depends, not least of all, on the will of the potential “grump”, whether he will choose light or darkness.

People often wonder what a petty person is? According to the dictionary, this is someone who finds fault over trifles. But in addition to linguistic reality, this phrase also hides psychological problems. Perhaps “pettiness” is a sign of a serious internal personality conflict that a person is experiencing; it is an SOS signal for loved ones.