A manipulative person: signs, typical phrases, ways to deal with him

In 1990, the totalitarian religious sect “White Brotherhood” was formed in Kyiv. Its founders are Yuri Krivonogov and Maria Tsvigun. They convinced their followers to take over their houses, rob and deceive loved ones, and even went as far as murders and suicides. Surprisingly, they were able to captivate thousands of people in just 2-3 years. Their activities were recognized as extremist, and they were sentenced to prison. Psychotherapists worked with those members of the sect who were declassified for more than 2 years to rid them of personality disorders acquired under pressure from manipulators.

Krivonogov and Tsvigun are one of the brightest manipulators of our time. At the same time, history is full of other examples. Grigory Potemkin (favorite of Catherine II), V.I. Lenin, Mahatma Gandhi, Fidel Castro masterfully knew how to influence the minds and opinions of others - most political leaders are able to force the crowd to unconditionally believe them and follow them.

But they are all public figures, their activities are visible, and in this they are vulnerable. Much more dangerous is a manipulator with evil intentions who may be hiding in your environment, and you will not even know about it. Their impact is extremely rarely positive (parents force a child to study well, a doctor convinces a patient to give up drugs, a wife pushes her husband to grow his career). Most often, manipulation leads to destruction from within the individual who is in the zone of their influence - the so-called victim.

Who is a manipulator

Psychology gives the following definition: a manipulator is a person who seeks to change the behavior and consciousness of others in his own interests, using hidden, sometimes violent tactics. They are also called emotional-energy vampires, psychopaths, perverted narcissists. Let's look at a couple of examples.

A positive manipulator is a mother who wants to succeed as a parent and boast about her son’s successes at school, forcing him to study. She can use threats for this (swearing, raising her voice), blackmail (you won’t sit at the computer until you do your homework) and even assault (a belt is still an acceptable punishment in some families). The methods she uses are condemned in pedagogy, but initially she is guided by good goals.

A negative manipulator is a shopaholic wife whose goal is to extract as much money as possible from her husband for a new purchase. Her methods: hysterics, blackmail (if there is no fur coat, there will be no sex / I will divorce / I will take the children), flattery. Such women ruin a man financially and exhaust him mentally.

But the most terrible manipulators, which are found all the time, pursue only one goal - to assert themselves at the expense of a loved one. They cling to him like parasites, drain him morally to the very bottom, and then disappear in order to find a new victim. Therefore, it is so important to recognize such people in your environment and be able to repel them.

Control system

The control system in machines of this type is usually represented by a set of levers, each of which is responsible for a specific action, be it raising the boom, extending outriggers, raising or lowering the cable, etc. Often the controls are located at the base of the boom on both sides of the base of the CMU .

However, it is not uncommon for manufacturers to place these arms at the top of the boom base where the operator's seat is located. Models of cranes produced today are often equipped with remote control panels that allow you to control the operation of the cranes from a distance.

Why do people become manipulators?

In psychology there is no consensus on this matter: researchers name different reasons, and they all have a place to be, because each individual case is unique.

Reason 1. Mistrust

This refers to distrust of yourself and everyone else. The manipulator is in constant conflict with himself, because he does not know what to expect from himself in the next minute. He transfers suspicions to others. As soon as a person important to him appears in his circle, his influence seems to tie him to himself, not giving him freedom. Full control provides him with at least some temporary peace of mind. This is Frederick Perls's point of view.

Reason 2. Power

The manipulator wants to gain unlimited power over others: it doesn’t matter whether it’s one person or a whole crowd. Through his actions, he forces them to do, feel and think only what HE wants and can control. This is Erich Fromm's point of view.

Reason 3. Powerlessness

A passive manipulator, admitting his own powerlessness, evokes pity for himself, and people, due to their gentle nature, fulfill his wishes. An active person, on the contrary, uses the helplessness of others in order to subjugate them to his will.

Reason 4. Approval of others

For this reason, a person with low self-esteem becomes a manipulator. His task is to gain the approval of everyone around him. Moreover, he often hates them, but he always smiles flatteringly, gives gifts, says compliments and by hook or by crook pretends to be the sweetest person. Ellis's point of view.

Reason 5. Fear of difficulties

There are people who are afraid to make responsible decisions and change their own lives. Their task is to avoid them, and this can be done through someone who is nearby and can provide them with the necessary comfort. Burn's point of view.

Among other reasons, psychologists identify:

market relations, when a person must manipulate others in order to save his business and remain competitive;
family relationships that the manipulator saw in childhood, for example, when the father forced the mother to fulfill his every whim;
the desire to play with the feelings of others, to make sure of one’s own worth.

In fact, psychological manipulation is a complex mechanism that most often cannot be explained by a single cause. They all go in one ball, sometimes turning a person into a real monster.

An example from life. One of the schools was reputed to be the best in the city: competent teachers, excellent education, high percentage of admission to universities. Everything was fine until the head teacher ended up in a psychiatric clinic. The conduct of her case revealed the reason for the school’s success: its director manipulated his deputy for 5 years. She was initially passive, driven and controlled (+ single mother), which he took advantage of: he put pressure on her through blackmail (I would fire her, deprive her of her salary and bonus, ruin her work record, expel her son). As it turned out, she did all the work at school both for him and for herself, and was convinced that everything she had achieved over the years was his merit.

The woman had to undergo a long rehabilitation course. Both psychologically, in order to get rid of the influence, and physically, since all these 5 years she worked without vacation and practically without days off, bringing herself to exhaustion and exhaustion.

The director also failed to avoid forced observation by psychologists. It was found that he did this for several reasons: comfort at the expense of another, submission of the powerless, a great desire to gain the approval of others. And most importantly, a serious personality disorder (hysterical along with passive-aggressive).

Characteristics of the CMU

Listed below are the most basic characteristics that characterize the crane and determine its cost:

maximum and minimum boom radius;
load capacity at maximum and minimum reach;
load moment of the boom, also set at the largest and smallest variants of the crane boom reach;
lifting heights and release of the load;
smaller radius of the crane installation;
implementation of suspension.

The design of the boom plays an important role:

parallel section shape. The more edges, the stronger it is. Therefore, it is necessary to choose it with a large number of edges;
image of a telescopic extension system. Such sections can be shifted either in a sequential order or in a random order;
load capacity is an important element;
the length and width of the platform, the outriggers used. The crane’s lifting capacity and the safety of the work will depend on them.

Please note that when selecting a manipulator, you must look at the load height diagram, which is an important element on which visibility depends.

Signs

In order to promptly recognize a manipulator in your environment, you need to know his psychological portrait, typical phrases, characteristic gestures and what he looks like (this even affects his appearance).

Signs of a manipulative person:

speeds up relationships: in a matter of days, instills trust and fills the entire space;
is satisfied with total control: he chooses films, dishes, hobbies, even his partner’s underwear;
isolates: narrows the victim’s social circle to 1 person - himself;
plays: attacks of total control and uncontrollable jealousy are replaced by periods of tenderness and care in order to lull the victim’s vigilance;
uses: voice, gaze, physical strength, gestures;
condemns: always makes evil jokes and ridicules;
cultivates a feeling of guilt, due to which the victim is constantly in a state of stress;
neglects the victim’s condition: he does not care what she feels and thinks;
punishes: physically, lack of attention or sex, boycott, silent insult, tears, hysterics;
keeps him in constant tension: a meaningless little thing can make him angry and provoke a scandal;
does not enter into open conflicts, preferring that the victim starts a quarrel (he deliberately infuriates her for this).

This is a brief psychological description of the manipulator, which can be supplemented with various details. External signs by which it can be recognized:

first impression: it seems perfect;
looks good, well-groomed;
knows how to speak beautifully, does not skimp on compliments;
always makes eye contact;
prefers a classic style of clothing;
does not stand out from the crowd;
tries to violate personal space, to conquer it: he touches, touches his shoulder, takes his hand, while he lets him in rather reluctantly.

Typical phrases:

You are the same as everyone else.
Don't beat yourself up.
You got it all wrong.
I am who I am. I won't change.
I thought you loved me / ... you trust me / ... we are friends.
I already apologized - what else do you want from me?
All problems are because of men (because of women).
Let's avoid hysterics and drama.
What will people think of you?
It's impossible to talk to you.

However, most often the presence of a manipulator in life can be recognized not by his appearance, phrases or psychological portrait, but by the state of the victim. Unfortunately, dictators most often become those close to them, who so capture the will of the other that he cannot see them as an enemy. This could be parents (mom constantly calls and presses for pity that you should definitely come to her and help), older children (they extract money from mom and dad), a friend (regularly asks to do something for him, although he himself does not give anything in return), a loved one (forces you to stay at home because he is jealous of every pillar).

Signs that you have become a victim of a manipulator:

constant feeling of guilt;
frequent quarrels;
fear of angering or offending him;
state of stress and constant tension;
break in relationships with once close people, lack of friends;
lack of initiative, passivity in decision making;
complete trust only in him;
lack of career and personal growth;
he becomes the center of the universe.

And, according to psychologists, victims of manipulators often wear wide dark glasses and walk with their heads down.

"Broken Record"

This technique is suitable for those who feel weak and can succumb to manipulation. The good thing about this method is that for some time it allows you to play the role of an invulnerable robot who firmly stands his ground and with whom no tricks will work. Great for when you need to say no.

Everything is very simple. The manipulator needs to respond with one single phrase. Its design cannot be changed in any way. It should be pronounced with a friendly intonation and a calm facial expression - this is very important. If you give up and demonstrate a feeling of guilt, then the method will be useless.

For example, constantly manipulating parents ask to go to the dacha to work in the garden. You can answer something like: “Sorry, I can’t, I have important things to do.” Parents will definitely ask what their child will be so busy with. To which you need to respond again with the same phrase: “Sorry, I can’t, I have important things to do.” After this, parents can begin to press for pity. But you need to stand your ground to the end, uttering the same phrase. Over time, the conversation will fade away.

Manipulation methods

Manipulative people use different methods to control others.

According to Breaker:

According to Simon:

aggressive anger;
declassing;
selective inattention;
false guilt, scare tactics;
lying or deception by omission;
minimization (denial of one’s own guilt + excuses);
victim blaming;
distraction (going away from the topic);
excuses;
negation;
shaming;
projection of guilt (blaming others);
rationalization (justification);
the roles of victim or servant;
feigning innocence or confusion;
hidden intimidation, threats;
seduction

Outriggers

Outriggers are retractable supports that are installed on the ground during loading and unloading operations, thereby ensuring the necessary stability of the base machine. Loader cranes use outriggers that differ in the method of extension, which can be mechanical or hydraulic.

In the first case, the outriggers are extended manually. After installation on the ground, the outriggers are fixed in the desired position.

The hydraulic method of extending outriggers involves the use of compact hydraulic cylinders driven by a hydraulic motor of a manipulator crane. Outriggers of this type are equipped with cranes with high lifting capacity.

Types

Everett Shostrom (American psychologist and psychotherapist) in his book “Anti-Carnegie, or the Manipulative Man” in 1992 presented a capacious description of this type of personality. Since then, the classification he proposed has been actively used in psychology.

Dictator/abbot/boss/superior

Dominants of behavior - controls, orders, subordinates. Does not recognize authorities other than himself. Makes you unquestioningly bow to him. He tends to exaggerate his own importance and strength. These are people with high self-esteem. Examples from history: Benito Mussolini, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler.

Wimp / weakling / chameleon / fool / conformist

The opposite of a Dictator. His main weapon is excessive sensitivity, pleasing, flattery, passive silence. But all this is only external. Those around him underestimate him, pity him and fall for the bait, fulfilling all his desires, because they consider him weak and are trying to protect him. In fact, he simply knows how to use situations to his advantage.

Calculator / swindler / blackmailer / gambler / businessman

His methods are deception, lies, cunning. He scams people out of money, robs people like nothing, and disappears. Likes to keep the entire manipulation process under control, calculates everything in advance. Without benefit, he does not make contacts. Independent, lone wolf, does not have a permanent place of residence. Often he has problems with the Law. Examples from history: Victor Lustig (sold the Eiffel Tower), Frank Abagnale (robber and swindler), Mary Baker (impostor princess).

Clingy / parasite / dependent / whiner / hypochondriac / eternal child

The opposite of Calculator. He shows off his addiction too much. A driven personality who forces the victim to do everything for him, explaining that he is supposedly incapable of independence.

Bully / saw / hater / insulter

Manipulates with aggression and cruelty. He often uses physical force, since he does not know other methods of self-affirmation. He sees only the bad in those around him.

Nice guy/moralist/well-wisher

The opposite of a Bully. His task is to first disarm everyone with his kindness, care and love, and then they will not refuse him anything, because he is so nice. However, his goals are always selfish and he rarely thinks about others.

Judge / accuser / appraiser / avenger

His weapons are criticism, distrust, doubt. He is constantly dissatisfied, indignant, angry, because those around him break the rules (not necessarily public ones, he often sets them himself). It is he who will rummage through the victim’s pockets and phone, trying to prove that he was deceived. He clings to every little thing and doesn’t listen to excuses at all. He forgives rarely and with great difficulty.

Protector/comforter/student/helper/mother hen

The opposite of Judge. At first meeting, he seems to be an extremely positive person: supportive, comforting, protective. However, all this is nothing more than a weapon of psychological manipulation. In these ways, he convinces the victim that everyone around is unfair and offends her, only he understands and feels sorry. Sympathy beyond measure deprives one of independence, and this gives complete control over a person.

In psychotherapy, advanced cases of manipulators are serious diagnoses that require long-term work. The most commonly diagnosed personality disorders are:

narcissistic;
borderline;
anxious;
dependent;
hysterical;
passive-aggressive;
dissocial.

As well as Machiavellianism, nervousness and psychological addiction.

Sarcasm and teasing

Passive-aggressive manipulation is based on sarcastic grins, teasing and caustic remarks towards the partner. This is difficult to discern right away for the simple reason that close people will allow each other to make fun of themselves. But one day, friendly banter can take things to the next level.

Sarcasm is used by the manipulator as a weapon that slowly kills the victim. With each new time, the injections will be more caustic and deeper. A gradual increase in the amount of sprayed poison ensures addiction. And if you get angry at one of the comments, the aggressor can always write it off as a joke. At the end of the conversation, he will add the catchphrase: “You have become too sensitive.”

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How to resist

To fight a manipulator, you need to at least see him in your environment, and at most, determine the type. Then you can develop the right strategy of behavior and get out of control. However, be prepared for the inevitable separation: as soon as he realizes that you have declassified him, he will go in search of another victim.

In terms of work, there is a risk of dismissal, but most often the boss-dictator simply switches to one of the other subordinates. But in personal life and family, everything is much more complicated: in 90% of cases, the war ends in separation, traveling to different apartments, if we are talking about parents and grown-up children, or divorce of spouses.

Here are some tips from psychologists on how to resist a manipulator, depending on its type:

The dictator needs to show that you are a full-fledged person who can fight back: argue with him, defend your point of view and do not show dependence on him.
The rag needs to be forced to act on his own, stop patronizing him, and ignore his touchiness and flattery.
It is better not to contact the Calculator at all, and if his actions indicate a violation of the Law, hand him over to the police.
Prilipal needs to be deprived of his help and support, forced to study on his own, live separately, and earn money on his own.
You need to leave the Bully if you cannot counter his strength with your own. Aggression can only break under the pressure of other aggression.
The nice guy cannot be trusted; his selfish goals must be exposed.
In response to claims against him, a judge can be accused of all mortal sins. This is the most effective tactic for dealing with him.
It is better to free yourself from the tutelage of the Protector as early as possible, so as not to become a lack of initiative plant, incapable of independence.

To resist a manipulator, you need to find the strength within yourself to do so. If a person has been in the role of a victim for more than one year, this becomes impossible due to psychological dependence and lack of independence of judgment. After all, they all obey only him alone.

Analysis of specific situations

A Rag colleague complains that today she will have to sit with documents until night again. How to react correctly: sympathize and advise drinking coffee to recharge your energy. What not to do: stay and help.

Note. In this case, we are talking specifically about a manipulative colleague. Because a normal person will openly ask for help.

The Nice Guy Friend has already repeatedly helped you in some (most often insignificant) matters: he gave you a ride home, bought you a pack of salt on the way to your place, gave advice in a difficult situation. And then one fine day he demanded to return the “favor” - to write a project at work or a diploma at the institute instead. After all, he helped you so often. How to react correctly: say that you have no time and are incompetent in these matters, and treat him with ice cream as payment of the “debt”. What not to do: put his problems on your shoulders.

Chassis

The type of chassis is determined by the scope of application of the crane and the tasks being solved. According to the type of running device used, manipulators are divided into:

automotive manipulators;
pneumatic;
tracked;
on a special automobile-type chassis;
short wheelbase;
on the chassis of a wheeled or crawler tractor;
rail - on a support platform moved along rails on wheels;
railway - on railway platforms;
adjustable;
trailed, incl. on a sled chassis;
self-aligning;
installed permanently on the foundation (for example, on technological sites);
installed on floating platforms, boats, etc.

The information provided will help you navigate the market and make the right choice if you decide to buy a crane or a ready-made crane.

Suggestion

Passive aggressors love to inspire their victims with something that doesn’t really exist. They lie without a twinge of conscience, they commit inappropriate acts, and then foam at the mouth and deny everything. Their main goal is to make the victim believe that she made it all up.

Not long ago I came across the detective drama “The Girl on the Train” with Emily Blunt in the title role. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The main character's husband is a typical passive aggressor, programming his victim to develop a scenario convenient for himself.

Obstacle to achieving goals

The manipulator constantly comes up with ways to slow down the personal and professional development of the victim. For example, he will blame his wife, who is on maternity leave, for reducing the quality of life of the family, but at the same time he will not want to let her go to work (he will prevent her from moving to a higher-paying position).

This, at first glance, paradoxical picture allows you to keep your other half financially dependent. At the same time, the emotional aggressor will be extremely reluctant to part with his money, and in the end he will completely “cut off the oxygen.”