Everything you need to know about silent people and reticence

Silence as a personality quality

Silent people are introverts, they do not take their experiences outside, they are immersed in their own thoughts and feelings. They are not comfortable in noisy companies, they concentrate on the situation, and experience anxiety when communicating with strangers. They are characterized by isolation, they rarely open up even to their loved ones and will think carefully before saying something.

Signs inherent in silent ones:

a small number of friends;
avoid mass events;
they are nervous before an event where they need to talk a lot;
prefer to relax alone or with loved ones.

If silence is a personality quality, then such behavior will accompany her throughout her life.

And there was silence

Silence torture can happen in romantic relationships or family relationships, between parents and children, friends and colleagues. It is an immediate reaction to a situation in which a person feels angry, frustrated or depressed. In such cases, as soon as the emotional intensity passes, the silence will pass.

But it may be part of a larger pattern of behavior or mental abuse. When this method is regularly used as a power play, the partner begins to feel rejected, which has an incredible impact on self-esteem.

Punishment of this format is a way to inflict pain without physical, literal bruises. A moment of being ignored or excluded from your life activates the same area of the brain that is responsible for physical pain. The main indicator, for example, of divorce is not quarrels - they are inevitable. On the contrary, when there is silence, then the most serious problems begin. Psychology professor and expert on punishment through ostracism, Capling Williams, believes that ignoring, cold-blooded and silent treatment are used as punishment or manipulation. People may not realize that the situation has caused emotional harm or trauma to others.

Silence is perceived by many as a way to teach a lesson to the person who caused pain. This “treatment,” even if it is short-term, activates the part of the brain that detects physical pain. Of course, the initial feeling is the same no matter who is causing the pain. But in the future, because of the understanding that it comes from a loved one, the feeling intensifies.

Silence occurs when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism, or complaints, and the other responds with nothing but silence and emotional distance. Paul Schrodt, PhD, analyzed 74 studies involving more than 14,000 people. The results showed that omissions are extremely damaging to relationships. They reduce satisfaction for both by reducing intimacy.

Read on topic: “I build walls: why personal boundaries are important”

Is silence always bad?

Silent people do not talk too much and know how to listen to their interlocutor. There is a lot of information noise in the world; people talk without hearing each other. Silent people treat every word with respect and are known as polite people.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

If grief happens, the introvert does not want to talk. In this case, he simply needs to remain silent. The psychology of a silent person allows you to experience the strongest feelings and experiences, protects you from unnecessary advice and moralizing.

In a conflict situation, the ability to shut up in time will save the relationship. Out of emotion, a person says unnecessary things without thinking about the consequences. In response to such a situation, it is best to show self-control and not participate in the conversation. Silent people do not respond to attacks, they speak only to the point - as a result, the conflict ends.

If it’s uncomfortable to say “No” and refuse a friend, then you can remain silent. This will save you from having to make excuses or tell lies, and the interlocutor himself will understand everything.

The “silence is golden” rule works great in situations where you need to hide your own stupidity. If you do not understand something, then it is better not to enter into a discussion.

Love quarrels: how to curb the “silent one”

One of the myths of love quarrels goes like this: “As soon as you feel that you are starting to quarrel, you should, as it were, “freeze” the quarrel: lovers immediately stop communicating and go home, spouses go to their rooms! This is the best option for both partners. Then you will act as if nothing happened. And you no longer need to put up: the next day you will act as if nothing happened to you...” Let's talk about this too.

If you look at “frozen” quarrels from above, as they say, from a bird’s eye view, you can see: indeed, some of the lovers and spouses, having started to quarrel, seem to stop in time, cut off the discussion, “freeze” the situation, hang the issue in the air , do not shout at each other, do not raise their voices, wind up their evening together and more or less peacefully go home or their rooms. And after some time they resume their relationship and communicate further.

The question arises: Maybe this is what all lovers or spouses should do? Maybe stopping a quarrel in the “without finishing an argument” format is the most correct behavior during a quarrel?

I'll answer right away. Alas, this is not so! My own experience in analyzing such “frozen”, unfinished conflicts shows the following:

Three circumstances of the course of “frozen” quarrels

Circumstance No. 1. Going home or to their rooms, without having finished arguing, but simply stopping communicating, the vast majority of partners or spouses actually did not even remember the above-described approach to quarrels. It just happened that way for them.

Circumstance No. 2. The concept “it just happened that way” almost always hides the fact that one of the couple flatly refused to talk or simply fell silent. And the second partner would be happy to continue communication, but the problem is: no one listens to him (her) anymore...

Circumstance No. 3. In ninety percent of those couples where, during a quarrel, one of the partners refuses to continue the conversation and simply says goodbye to their other half “see you tomorrow,” they still cannot do without a formal reconciliation procedure, during which the problematic issue is still “unfrozen” and the parties make one decision or another on it.

Only one out of ten couples manage to reconcile “just like that,” that is, without a special procedure for reconciliation and a final clarification of the relationship.

Based on my statistics, two out of every three readers should now say: “Yes, yes! In our couple, everything is about the same!” So if you think the same thing to yourself, then everything is fine.

But if you say: “Yes, nothing like that! What the outcome of the quarrel will be depends only on me! I want to - I quarrel! I want - I put up! In general, I really don’t like quarreling! Therefore, as soon as I begin to feel it arising, I immediately stop bickering and simply end the conversation. This is where it all ends!”, which means you belong to the very category of lovers and spouses for whom the popular nickname “silent people” has long been firmly established.

Having uttered the cherished word “silent”, it’s time to say the following:

The fact that in some couples many quarrels become “frozen”, and the partners go home or go to their rooms, not only without resolving the problematic situation, but even stopping talking to each other, is not at all to blame for the presence of any conscious desire to do just that. The whole point is that one of the partners is a typical “silent man”, for whom such behavior is the only possible one.

I know hundreds of love and family couples, the main problem of which is a very simple and widespread thing: As soon as one of the partners believed (and often mistakenly) that he (she) was offended and, due to his (her) pride, “was dirty” boots,” this person immediately withdraws into himself and begins to remain silent. These are the so-called “silent people” - one of the most difficult types of our loved ones and spouses, the same category of people to whom (woe to those who are nearby!) We ourselves sometimes belong...

Psychology has known for a long time who the “silent people” are. These are people from the so-called category of intellectual “introverts”, people who are turned not around themselves (these are extroverts), but inside their own inner world. These are those who are inclined to blame only themselves for all troubles and diligently protect their inner world from any shocks. “Silent introverts” are very difficult to communicate with. Only one thing helps: as soon as you start communicating with such a person, after one or two quarrels, he/she can be easily identified by the following seven signs.

Seven signs of “silent people”

Sign No. 1. Their motto is: “If it’s all my fault, then I don’t have, and can’t have, any complaints against my partner! It was I who started the relationship with him (her), so it’s up to me to take the rap! There is no point in trying to argue with him/her and try to fix it. It is much more correct to either wait a little - in case he (s) changes, or simply change your partner. This is the most correct way to get out of the situation. Therefore, for today it is worth ending all these tedious debates. They are simply meaningless. It’s better that we quietly and peacefully go home. As they say, “as long as the wind is without stones...”. The famous phrase of Comrade Stalin “If there is a man, there is a problem, if there is no man, there is no problem,” is especially popular among them...

Sign No. 2. For quite a long time, outwardly they seem completely conflict-free.

Sign No. 3. They try to the last to avoid quarrels and therefore often agree to something that they really don’t like.

Sign No. 4. They are extremely irritated if quarrels become more or less frequent. They begin to gloomily predict: “It is quite obvious that if we don’t stop quarreling, we will soon separate and this is very sad...”.

Sign No. 5. Possessing a developed intellect, they almost always think up something very bad about themselves for their partner, but at the same time do not talk about it during the quarrel itself. What the “silent man” thought up for him/her, the partner will find out only after some time...

Sign No. 6. During a quarrel, some strange “doom” begins to appear in their eyes and behavior, which had not been manifested at all before. It’s as if the air is being let out of a person. Having come to their own decision, “What a pity that I was wrong again,” these people decide everything on principle. Without flinching a muscle, they quietly and peacefully suggest to their partner: “Let’s not quarrel anymore today. I did not expect such an answer (opinion) from you and therefore I am not ready to continue the conversation. I need to understand how you could say (or do) such a thing. In general, the evening is over for today, let’s go home...” After this phrase, and sometimes silently, they intelligently accompany their partner home and say goodbye to him, even if he (s) very much asks to stay together for some more time and still end the conversation.

Sign No. 7. During quarrels, such people almost never swear, do not swear, do not raise their voices and, of course, do not fight.

At the same time, there is no universal type of “silent person”. Silent people can be sweet and stern, cheerful optimists and gloomy pessimists, talkative and silent, nice and not very nice. Sometimes, several months or a whole year pass until you are suddenly surprised to recognize in your friend the “classic silent one.” This is sad and difficult (you already had contact with such a person and you really didn’t want a repeat!), but you already managed to love him/her...

The shades of silence among “silent people” are also extremely varied. Men tell their girlfriends or wives “Let's go,” leave the place where they were, get into the car and silently drive them home. At the same time, not a single word escapes sternly compressed lips. They look at the road all the time and all the woman’s attempts to speak or simply hug are ignored. At the entrance, people dryly kiss and disperse in different directions, internally shaking with rage. Women then cry into their pillows, men angrily drink beer, stare somewhere past the TV, or take a long walk around their own house.

There are those who “silently smile.” These people (usually with a more complex psyche and more educated) can pretend for quite a long time that nothing happened. They communicate by inertia, laugh and smile, outwardly nothing changes, but inside they carry out a huge amount of analytical work, which, at any moment, can end in issuing a result-recommendation “to the top”: “Here we are offended and not appreciated. This relationship needs to end!” This is the most dangerous option of silence. When people can break up without even explaining the reasons for the separation itself, this is the separation for the one from whom they are leaving...

Those who are married or live in a civil marriage perform an even more complex ritual dance of offended pride. As in that old fairy tale “Old woman close the door!”, people can literally remain silent for weeks and even months. (The personal record I know of was that the silence lasted three months!). Everything is done in silence, people look intently somewhere to the side, answers to each other (if they happen) are always monosyllabic, the “muttering under one’s breath” suppressed by disturbed pride is very difficult to make out. Psychological stress in such cases accumulates within a day, a maximum of three days. After which the parties begin to wait for the outcome.

Sometimes all this ends in mutual laughter and reconciliation. Sometimes violent silent sex, after which someone still says: “It was great, honey! What fools we are, you and I!” (And this is a great option!). But, more often than not, someone’s nerves simply can’t stand it, the plate hits the floor, someone crying (or tiredly doomed) says: “Well, how much longer are you going to torment me? What are you up to? For me to leave (leave)? Then say so!!!” If the “silent one” is still silent, the second partner may indeed leave. But, more often than not, the “silent” ones still begin to speak. And most often they say that they love very much and in no case would like to lose someone with whom they themselves have not spoken...

All that I have just said was necessary in order to prepare some basis for the following conclusion:

No matter how long the offended silence lasts -

sooner or later, it still ends in conversation!

By the way, the very conversation that, it would seem, that same “silent man” wanted to avoid, who, like a snail, crawled into his shell of disturbed pride and began to remain silent. And if you, dear reader, usually play the role of the silent one, I suggest you now think: “Is it worth delaying the inevitable? Maybe it’s better to talk right away?”

Now, with your permission, a small author’s appeal to the “silent people”. And if the reader is not one of those, he (s) may well use the information provided for his own “processing” of that “silent man” with whom Fate and Cupid brought her (him).

So, let's get started... Dear “silent people”! By refusing to end a problematic conversation, “freezing” a quarrel and walking your partner home in an atmosphere of icy silence, in fact, you are making five global mistakes at once. Here they are.

Five global mistakes of “silent people”

Mistake #1. By withdrawing and becoming silent, a person essentially turns himself into a hostage of his own decision. And instead of gaining the respect of the other side, most often he simply puts himself in a ridiculous position.

According to the logic of another person: “You started it yourself, so you have to finish it yourself!” As a result, if a “silent person” or a “silent person” gives up on their own, and the silent person himself starts a conversation, a way out, he will fall not only in his own eyes, but also in the eyes of his partner, who will immediately form the following opinion: “He’s silent, Well, God be with him! There is no point in approaching him/her. If he gets tired of being silent, he will speak up himself...”

Having decided to do this, the partner can also begin to play “silence” and then the silent one becomes a hostage to his own vanity and pride. He/she is forced to remain silent literally until the last moment, praying in his/her soul that the other person will speak to him/her as quickly as possible, thus eliminating the problem and ensuring the “silent one” maintains his/her reputation. And it’s good if the partner of the “silent man” understands everything correctly, has a smaller ego and is able to give up first. But if two egos of equal size meet, or the partner of the “silent one” is already so tired of everything that one day he (she) wants to teach him (her) a lesson, then this is a tragedy...

Mistake #2. By starting to remain silent, a person loses the opportunity to find out the reasons for the initial unpleasant situation and the position of his partner. In addition, he keeps his partner in the dark about his own views on the problem. This is how the “deadlock of silence” arises.

All this is very bad, because in at least half of the situations that are offensive to pride and pride, everything is very simple - people simply did not understand each other! But they didn’t understand for one simple reason: THEY GAVE EACH OTHER VERY LITTLE INFORMATION FOR REFLECTING AND MAKING THE CORRECT DECISION. Someone left something unfinished, decided to remain silent about the true reasons for his behavior (often the reason for this is a past insult), while the other thought of it in his own way, drew not entirely correct conclusions and rashly slashed from the shoulder. And until a detailed and thoughtful “debriefing” takes place, the situation will not be resolved.

In love and family relationships, quite primitive

situations can turn into truly intractable ones

simply because no one even tries to resolve them!

If in the end everything is put on hold and after a period of silence people start communicating again as if nothing had happened, it will end up even worse! A smoldering fire, like a fire in a peat bog, will simply go deep, and then at the most inopportune moment it will blaze up to the sky! And the partners will be thrown so far away from each other that there may no longer be a chance to be together...

Regularly setting blocks for discussion of various issues, imposing taboos on what worries both partners at once, is fraught with the fact that the number of unresolved and unspoken problems will grow and grow. Having reached very large values, this whole heap of “frozen” problems may one day bury the relationship itself...

Mistake #3. By starting a one-sided silence, “silent people” can awaken the reciprocal pride and pride of their partner.

I dare to assure the beginning “silent people”:

The more often partners carry out “silent executions” to

their loved one - the worse it will be for the “silent ones” themselves!

If you naively hope that in this way you will mentally break your partner, keep in mind: you are wasting your time! My polls show:

In nine out of ten cases, someone's chronic silence

of partners during quarrels not only does not cause any

there's fear or extra respect,

but only leads to persistent irritation

Well, your loved one will try to behave more carefully for some time, thinking to himself: “What a difficult person I managed to get involved with.” And then he will get tired of enduring this moral bullying and will simply leave you, finding himself a more flexible person. And then your pride will receive a much more powerful kick. And going through it will be, oh, how difficult it will be... So, don’t tease someone else’s pride with silence, and you will only feel better!

Mistake #4. During the game of “silence”, precious time of love relationships is lost.

Remember: The time of your silence is the very time that is subtracted, minus from your love or family relationships. Taking into account the fact that in the very standard two to three years that the average love relationship now lasts, according to my calculations, people can spend at least two to three months (!) in silence after quarrels, think for yourself: how many times could you go to the cinema, the theater, go out into nature, finally have sex! And so you just remain silent...

Mistake #5. By periodically arranging “education by silence,” “silent people” create optimal conditions for their loved one to create a new love relationship.

No matter how unpleasant it may be for you to read, this is the absolute truth! According to my surveys and observations, the following conclusion can be drawn:

In at least half of the cases of love affairs, they occur

just at the same time when one of the partners was temporarily

separated from another by his (her) long, offended silence.

Yes, yes, that's exactly the case! If the game of “silence” and the pause after a quarrel drags on for several days (and even more so weeks!), and the partners also didn’t have good sex for a whole week or two before the quarrel, sooner or later the hormones begin to demand their toll...

In this sense, you need to clearly understand:

Many casual street acquaintances, which then lead to the emergence of love triangles and destroy previous love or family relationships, were provoked precisely by the play of hormones during a protracted quarrel that grew out of the silence of one of the partners.

So, if you consider yourself a smart person, never play with fire! Don't be silent and don't lose your loved one!

In general, dear “silent people” of both sexes, all ages, colors and body types: Please DO NOT BE SILENT!!! After all, as you can see, you don’t gain anything by doing this. And not only do you not win, but, rather, you only lose on all counts. So, understand this, realize this, be imbued with this and no longer torment those who walk through life next to you, those whom you love!

To summarize, we can say the following:

“There is no special super-persistent character hidden behind the silence.” Silence is nothing more than the inability to cope with one’s emotions, the inability to conduct a dialogue on sensitive topics, the fear of accepting responsibility for one or another fundamental decision.

— A silent person is likened to a capricious child who, despite all the manifestations of his character, is still a hostage to other people’s (parental) decisions. Having started to play the silent game, in fact, he simply transfers the initiative into the wrong hands. He, as it were, decides: “If they spread out in front of me, then I will go to a meeting and, so be it, I will make peace... And if not, then there is nothing to value these relationships. I'm leaving…". Agree: Behind such a character, most often, lies ordinary indecisiveness, cowardice and uneradicated childish infantilism.

— Answering the fundamental question of the chapter about whether it is worth “freezing” quarrels, entering “silence” mode and sadly going home or rooms, we answer this way: NOT WORTH IT! It is much more correct and logical to continue the dialogue, communicate, argue and... ultimately, even quarrel and make peace in the usual format. Because harsh life practice shows:

Without playing the silent game, quarrels settle down much faster,

and the partners reconcile, no longer having in their souls the painful expectation that

that the unexploded shell of resentment is about to explode anyway

and will tear this relationship to pieces.

So, dear “silent people” (in fact, most often in life they are very temperamental people), remember:

The longer the pause lasts, the more difficult it is to fill it.

The deeper the ditch is dug, the more difficult it is to fill it up (and often there is nothing to do with it...).

Know the old Latin proverb: “Silence begets silence.” And I will complement it with the words: “Silence first gives birth to silence, and then to retaliatory offense, and then to rage...” Your pride, which you are trying to protect with your silence, will in fact suffer even more when one day no one will meet you halfway, and in the end you will have to put up with it yourself. But another of the laws of love conflicts that I have identified says: “People don’t get tired of quarreling! People are getting tired of putting up with it.”

Think about this too...

Now let’s move on to practical recommendations for those who love, are friends with or live with a “silent” or “silent” woman.

Practical recommendations

First. Don't play along with the silent ones!

Some partners of “silent people” sin in that when, after some quarrels, they refuse to talk to them, they do exactly the same and accept the rules of the game of silence imposed on them. At the same time, some of these people wait with open interest: “I wonder how much he/she will be enough in this situation? More than last time, or not? Others want to take revenge and show that they can and have the right to do the same: “And in general, if they want, they can remain silent and hold out longer than him (her)!” Still others simply float doomedly with the flow and patiently wait for their lordship to ask them something.

I’ll say this right away: all these options are wrong! By doing this, in fact, you are simply playing along with the “silent one”, creating comfortable conditions for him (her) - giving him the opportunity to remain silent. With your patience and waiting, “Well, how long will he/she hold out?” you're essentially making him/her inflate like a soap bubble, bigger and bigger each time. But, as you know, any bubbles burst sooner or later. And the larger the bubble, the more splashes and negative emotions. And splashes fly in all directions. And absolutely everyone becomes wet.

Those who support their partner’s “silence” with their response

silence - so to speak, “return fire”, in fact methodically

adding firewood to the already dying fire of a love quarrel.

Think for yourself: When you don’t touch them, the “silent ones” find themselves at ease, playing in their own field, holed up in their monastery. And even if you sometimes manage to please your pride and “outlast” them due to the length of the response silence, your victory will most likely turn out to be a Pyrrhic victory over yourself: you will simply contribute to the destruction of the relationship.

My surveys clearly show:

The more passive the “silent” partner behaves, the longer the

and the periods of playing “silent” become longer.

And sometimes they reach such magnitudes that one day quantity smoothly develops into quality and a minor quarrel becomes a catalyst for a crisis in relationships and even separation...

The question is legitimate: “In this situation, is it worth playing the “silent” response and playing along with the “silent ones”? Considering that this game leads to cooling of relationships and separations, isn’t it easier to part with the “silent one” as soon as you have identified him/her?”

We answer definitively: “It’s not worth it! You should neither play the silent game nor part with the silent one! You just have to study some of the features of the habits of the “silent ones” and know what to do with them.

More on this below.

Second. Come up with a business together!

In practice, the “silent ones” themselves take the initiative in reconciliation in three main cases:

- when they bring their partner to tears (they consider this a great achievement and are very proud of themselves);

- when they begin to feel guilty about their own behavior (this happens quite rarely);

- when those who have quarreled have a matter that requires joint discussion and a common decision.

Since the author is a more or less merciful person and not inclined to expect mercy from Nature, I leave the first and second options for amateurs. The most practical and effective option to reconcile and end the “silence” in time is the third option of joint activity. So, there is no need to prostrate yourself in front of the “silent ones” and immediately start crying when they frown. There is no point in pampering them and stimulating the development of their already painfully increased pride. You just need to come up with common things to do. And the more there are, the better for both of you.

Remember:

Pouting at you and falling sternly into silence, he is actually “silent”

just waiting for a plausible excuse to make peace.

Your task is to, as if by chance, create the conditions for this, to give him a completely natural opportunity for this. By doing this, you will simply outplay your beloved “silent man”. And he (s), even if he understands that you are playing along with him, will treat such “giveaways”, which seem to be a common request, with gratitude. It may not be said out loud, but it will be for sure.

Technically, options for joint ventures can be divided into long-term and short-term ones. About them - below.

Third. Always have promising events in stock!

If you are friends or live with a person who is a classic “silent man” with a complex character and regularly gets on your nerves by playing “silence”, but nevertheless, you love this person and do not want to part with him (her), I advise you to always have there are promising events in stock, that is, planned activities that you agreed on long before the quarrel arose. First of all, these are trips to theaters, cinemas, various exhibitions, sports or recreational events.

If on average you quarrel once a week or two, having pre-purchased tickets for the event on the day of which the game of “silence” falls provides an excellent reason to make peace so that none of the partners’ pride suffers. Since tickets to theaters, exhibitions or museums can be purchased in advance and do not cost very much money, in the absence of quarrels, you may not attend these events. However, in the event of a quarrel, a ticket lying at home can often be a “lucky ticket” for your reconciliation. The best thing about this situation is that your “silent” partner will never think that this ticket was purchased solely for the possibility of reconciliation.

In doing so, do not forget to agree in advance that attending all events with tickets purchased in advance (a week or a month in advance) is mandatory in any mood.

This technology has been proposed many times by the author to those who suffer from the difficult character of their beloved “silent one” and has always given a good result. It significantly reduces the time of “silence” and simplifies the reconciliation procedure itself. It is quite possible that it will help you too.

Fourth. Create situations for momentary reconciliation with the “silent one.”

As soon as you see that your beloved “silent man” is offended by you, withdraws into himself, becomes silent and begins to get ready to go home, you should immediately offer to do something from the following list of things that help overcome the situation literally momentarily, according to the “here and now” scheme:

List of things to do to reconcile “here and now”

— You remembered that you need to go to the store and bring home several heavy packs of rice, buckwheat, pasta or sugar (etc.). And you absolutely cannot do without the help of your loved one.

— Having furtively called from your mobile phone to your own home phone (on the contrary, you can pass off any random text message from friends as an important message), you declare that you urgently need to stop by literally for a minute at someone’s house on the other side of the city. And again, this is best done together! (You can go to someone’s home or even just visit the entrance of a house completely unknown to you for a minute. The main thing is that there is a “silent man” next to you!).

- You ask the pouting “silent man” to help you rearrange things at home, clear the balcony of rubbish, stay next to you while you do general cleaning in the kitchen, help sort out the accumulated deposits of videotapes, DVDs or CDs, files of magazines, walk your dog and etc. and so on.

— You suddenly remember that today (allegedly!) the last day in one of the cinemas is the same film that some of your friends were talking about with such delight today.

- You can ask for help in preparing the dish that you read in one cookbook (keep this book in the kitchen and point your finger at absolutely any dish).

- You are simply asking for advice on a matter that your “silent man” is well versed in: for example, on some (perhaps completely mythical) test, diploma or coursework.

— You suggest we take a little walk around your house to calm down, and then come to your place for a cup of non-binding fruit tea (which you will buy together on the way)…

The essence of all these events is simple:

Since “silent people” are always extremely proud, they really like

when there is a feeling that without their help completely

impossible to get by. And this is the point of reconciliation!

So don't be afraid to go overboard! The more compassionate and dependent you seem at this moment, the faster you will melt the heart of your “silent man”. In fact, it's not that icy...

Fifth. Get ready for a monologue!

Conflicts with “silent people” are best resolved immediately. INSTANTLY. Another tool for this is your monologue. While the suddenly saddened “silent man” turns around halfway back and takes you home in a car, while you are just shaking together on the bus or subway, while you are walking home (sitting at home, etc.), you give a short author’s speech. In it, you must very correctly and peacefully present your vision of the situation, clarify your position on the conflict issue and call for reconciliation. The leitmotif of the speech should be the following: “Darling, this is not our first quarrel and obviously not our last. All this time we always made peace. We both know that we will make peace this time too. A reasonable question: So is it worth wasting time for a couple of days of a completely banal “silence”? If you can talk about a problematic topic, let's talk! If you don’t want to, let’s put up with it!!!”

Even if it seems to you that your words are flying somewhere into deep space, speak anyway! As practice shows, for many “silent people” a partner’s monologue is MANDATORY.

Despite the apparent indifference, in fact,

“silent people” always listen carefully.

Moreover: they are internally thrilled by such attention to themselves, gradually extinguish their irritation, and, in the end, may think something like this: “Why should I be offended by someone who has already realized that he made a mistake, who is so kind to me?” applies... I won’t! It’s worth hugging and forgiving each other...”

Remember: It is very important for a “silent person” to always feel right and the smartest. It is the “silent ones” who really like to get to the bottom of something, turn everything inside out, distort the original meaning, and draw conclusions for you that could never have occurred to you. Therefore, never leave him (her) such an opportunity! During your monologue, make any situation as simple as possible and leave no room for various meaningful interpretations. Let the “silent man” pretend that he is not listening to you. Don't be embarrassed! Talk, talk and talk again! And when he (s) begins to grunt and snort, and also venomously comment on your version of what happened, rejoice: this is a sure sign of the beginning of reconciliation. Yours took it!

And if you also say that you love the “silent man” for who he is, even despite the current silence, the heart of the “silent man” will begin to thaw twice as fast as usual.

In general, do not fight the “silent one” with his own weapon – silence. This is completely hopeless. Talk to him/her. This is the key to success.

Sixth. Take into account the suspicion of the “silent ones”.

If you quarrel with your “silent” boyfriend or girlfriend, never ask him (her) to take you to your girlfriends or friends (to a club, to a billiard room, to the cinema, to friends, etc.). Because of their painful pride and tendency to “overthink”, “silent people” are almost always very suspicious creatures with a vulnerable psyche. Therefore, it is best to sit out a quarrel with a “silent man” in your apartment or at your parents’ house, so that he can always call there and make sure that you did not provoke a quarrel in order to take advantage of the break in communication and sneak away somewhere...

During a quarrel, “silent people” almost always call you at home

telephone or they really love it when you call them from your home!

In general, during a quarrel with a “silent” person, you simply have to be a “good boy” or a “good girl”. If you don’t want this at all, it’s best to solve this problem radically: under no circumstances start a serious relationship with “silent people”. If you don’t change either of you, an emotional explosion and loss of relationships will be guaranteed!

Seventh. Periodically discharge your “silent man”!

If you consciously decide to connect your life with a “silent person”, conflicting with him (her), always leave some kind of loophole for him (her). Remember: escape routes are very important for him/her. It is very important for the “silent person” that he/she feels like the master of the situation. And if everything is in order with your pride and this does not bother you, assent to the “silent man” more often and admit that he is right in small things. By making peace in small things (even feignedly and even where there was no quarrel), you promptly release dangerous emotional steam from the “silent one” and do not give him (her) time to accumulate dangerous energy of conflict. As a result, when you lose on little things (and, in fact, just playing giveaways), in fact, you win big! So what if you admitted that you made a mistake in the weather forecast or bought yesterday’s bread! But your “silent man” smiles contentedly and today he will definitely not be silent or will not stuff you with boring instructive monologues on the topic of how to live correctly.

The “silent” needs to be periodically “discharged”, because the true

“silent” is just waiting for someone to be offended by

and thus realize oneself.

So, let's not give this a chance. And believe me, the “silent people” will not be offended by us for this.

Eighth. Don't put up with the silent ones about sex!

Despite the fact that in this book I will many times call for reconciliation through sex, I absolutely do not recommend using this technology of reconciliation in the case of “silent people”. As practice shows, they really don’t like this... (That is, they, of course, still love sex! But they don’t like it when it is imposed on them, when a person is “bought” for sex. And here is the storm of indignation will be provided for you! Isn’t it so, dear “silent people”?).

“Silent people”, as a rule, are supporters of fundamental decisions according to the “either-or” scheme. Therefore, making a global decision about who is right and who is wrong in the current situation is much more important for them than carnal pleasures. But when you settle with them the issue of leadership and which of you is smarter, then, perhaps, you can go to bed and even to the chandelier... Everything will depend only on your erotic fantasy...

Remarque

Silence is a very unpleasant thing. And if you are “silent”, be aware of this and at least somehow try to alleviate the fate of the one whom life has tied with you into one tight love knot. Do not turn away from the hand extended to you, do not push away the one who pressed his whole body against you after a quarrel and gently sniffled his nose into your ear! Always answer friendly calls and SMS, make peace on time and don’t bring your loved one to tears!

Well, those who love someone from the great tribe of “Silents” - please DO NOT LEARN SILENCE FROM THEM. And then everything will be fine with you...

Excessive silence

Mental pain and emotional discomfort become the reasons for excessive silence. If a stranger violates your boundaries, then there is a desire not to respond and to protect your personal space silently.

Excessive silence occurs in a stressful situation. Then a person plunges into the inner world, suffers and endures. In this case, silent agreement with what is happening aggravates the situation. A silent person, by his behavior, gives the impression that he is satisfied with everything, even if this is not at all the case. The interlocutor who causes unpleasant feelings may not be aware of this.

If a person is too silent, he cannot start a conversation and respond to his interlocutor. His phrases are monosyllabic, any information has to be pulled out. This behavior occurs at any age and is caused by psychological trauma. Introverts most often suffer; the more pronounced this character trait is, the greater the risk of this condition.

Why text a guy who ignores you?

Ideally, a girl should not be intrusive and write to a man first, especially if he ignores her. Unfortunately, the era of knights has passed, and representatives of the fairer sex sometimes have to dot the i’s. What reasons can cause women to be so assertive:

The girl is so bored that ignoring her doesn’t stop her. She thinks that she will take the guy by force and hear the sound of the long-awaited reply SMS. Most women live by emotions, which pushes them to take such a rash step.
She was madly in love with a man and continues to experience this deep feeling. It's not so easy to just pick up and forget a guy you're crazy about. Therefore, even his aloofness does not serve as an obstacle to attempts to receive a response message.
Simple curiosity makes you call a young man for a conversation. Why did he disappear into nothingness if everything was in order? What did the man not like and what does he see as the meaning of ignoring?
A woman wants to try to rebuild a relationship after a painful breakup. The couple broke up, but the girl’s heart never found peace. The girl decides that this is fate and tries to glue the fragments of the broken vase of love.
She feels guilty towards the guy she offended. Finally, seeing the beam in her eye, the lady writes words of repentance, but hits a tightly closed gate.
The girl seeks revenge. Maybe she wants to re-start an affair with the guy and, having gained trust, brutally break the man. Or wants to share details of a happy personal life without him.
She wants to express everything that is boiling over. It is not always possible to silently swallow the insult and leave gracefully. Many girls dream of throwing out negativity and therefore seek an answer from the ignoring guy.

Be that as it may, it is better to think ten times before this bold act. Don’t create illusions for yourself, don’t justify a partner who acts like this. Ignoring is behavior that does not characterize a real man.

Reasons for excessive silence

Excessive silence depends on the current emotional state and character of the individual. Reasons for reticence:

Personal experiences. If a person cannot let go of thoughts about troubles, then he cannot carry on a conversation.
Fatigue, physical malaise.
Lack of communication skills - most common in adolescents.
Shyness, fear of communication. Occurs after psychological trauma or negative experience.
Vulnerability, lack of self-confidence, dependence on other people's opinions.
Complexes, fear of focusing on shortcomings during a conversation.
Difficult relationships with parents in childhood.

If a person is usually sociable, but is silent in the same company, then perhaps the team is unpleasant to him.

What do texting and gambling have in common?

Messaging is an environment in which our minds begin to operate in specific ways. Before everyone had cell phones, people always waited a while (hours or days) before calling back without the other person being bothered. Correspondence has taught us to receive faster answers. According to surveys, this indicator varies from person to person in the range from 10 minutes to one hour.

Natasha Schüll, an anthropologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (USA), studies gambling addiction, specifically what happens to the minds and bodies of people who become addicted to slot machines. Unlike cards, horse racing or the weekly lottery, which force players to wait (for their turn, when the horses finish, for the start of the weekly drawing), slot machines allow gambling without delay, since the player receives information quickly.

Natasha Shul

Anthropologist at MIT

You are accustomed to expecting instant results, so you begin to lose patience at any slightest delay. When you're texting someone you like but don't know well enough yet, it's a lot like a slot machine. There is also a lot of uncertainty, anticipation, and anxiety here. You are set to receive a message. You want it, you need it right now. But if you don't get a quick response, it throws you off track.

Text messages are different from the messages people left on answering machines before the advent of smartphones. A message on an answering machine can be compared to buying a lottery ticket. You know in advance that you will have to wait until you find out the winning numbers. You don't expect a call back right away. You may even enjoy this feeling of uncertainty because you know in advance that you will have to wait a few days. But with texting, if you don't get a response after 15 minutes, you start to freak out.

Women's silence

It is not common for women to be silent, but sometimes they become silent for no apparent reason.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

The fair half does not say a word if there is nothing else to say. Then glances and gestures come into play. Thus, the emotions and feelings of a woman are conveyed.

Another reason for silence is resentment. If feelings are offended, then the girl continues the dialogue within herself. Reluctance to communicate may arise from not knowing what to talk about next.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

If a woman falls silent during a conversation with a man, then she wants to remind you that she is not just an opponent, but a representative of the fair sex. The girl understands that words cannot win, and resorts to body language.

What to do if your partner is silent

Here are some approaches:

Literally voice what is happening. Try, without including emotions, to find out what is happening. “You talk to other people, but you don't talk to me. What do you feel? What happened? How do you see this and what are you trying to achieve?
Establish contact non-verbally. Perhaps the silent person has already “cooled down” and is ready to communicate, but it is difficult for him to take the first step or say something out loud. You can try to discuss it in the messenger or touch it and see the reaction.
Mind your own business. If silence is not used as passive aggression, then over time the person will calm down and make contact himself. If this is manipulation, then it will lose its meaning when the victim stops reacting to it (begging, deserving forgiveness, etc.). Thus, the manipulator himself will be responsible for his decision: he wanted to interrupt contact, his right, let him remain silent. When he wants to hear his interlocutor again, he will contact him. At this time you will take a break from negative influences from the outside.

Male silence

Men tend to be silent. A secretive, taciturn gentleman causes a feeling of misunderstanding in women. Reasons why men are silent:

upbringing;
fear of being ridiculed or misunderstood;
fear of appearing in a different role, losing face;
reluctance to communicate with women because of sad experiences;
low self-esteem;
excessive modesty, shyness, indecisiveness;
rejection of the interlocutor.

Silent men find it difficult to speak in public, meet girls, and go on dates with them. Such personalities do not like telephone calls, but can open up in correspondence.

Alexander Baluev likes to relax in silence. In the acting community, he was known as a silent man who would not say too much. “In a team, sometimes I stop feeling like an individual,” says Alexander.

How to remind yourself on social networks?

Before writing to the first man with whom there has been no correspondence for a long time, you should remind yourself. You can do this in several ways:

See also...

✅ Online fortune telling “Will he write or not”

✅ Online fortune telling: “Why did he change and grow cold towards me”

✅ Fortune telling “The whole truth about my man”

✅ Fortune telling “Does he regret breaking up the relationship?”

We publish a new photo to your profile or story. It is advisable to choose a mysterious photo and accompany it with a quotation with a hint;
We go to the page of the person with whom we plan to resume communication and give him a few likes. Here it is important to follow the instructions: scroll through the feed and select not the most recent pictures. We take our time and pause between likes. This will show seriousness and interest.
We like one of the comments on his page, where it is said that he looks good, or another compliment.

After that we write. We don’t wait for a long pause. It is important not to miss the moment, because he will soon see your activity and become interested in such attention. And here comes the message he may have been waiting for.

But what should you write to a man after a long silence? Choose one of the options to be sure to resume communication and hear the right words, and maybe get an invitation to a date or a walk in the park.

How to stop being silent

You cannot remain silent during an interview, at a speech, or when taking an exam, but shy people cannot cope with themselves. There are several ways to help get rid of this problem:

do not pay attention to the opinions of others;
develop self-confidence;
believe in success;
don't be afraid of mistakes;
set goals and achieve them;
smile;
talk about yourself;
become friendly;
find people with whom you can be yourself.

Silent people should relax and not get hung up on the peculiarities of their character.

Read more about how to stop being silent →

What is the benefit of silence to the one who initiated it?

A person who manipulates silence wants to gain control over their partner. When the victim of passive aggression gets tired of being ignored and wants to get rid of the feeling of rejection and lack of love, she will agree to the conditions presented. The habitual “Love must be earned” setting, which is familiar to many, will be activated.

Having a working tool of manipulation at hand, a silent person will be able to remake his partner to suit himself, force him to act against his principles. In the short term this may have an effect. But any changes obtained this way will not last long. The partner will sooner or later stop responding to manipulation or completely break off the connection.

Interesting facts about silent people

Some people speak little because those around them already say a lot of words. Silent people are smart and prefer not to waste their time explaining obvious things. They are observant when talking, analyze, think before continuing the conversation.

Observation

Taciturn people spend little time on words; they can observe the interlocutor and identify interesting nuances. Such individuals are ready to perceive non-verbal information, react to the mood of others, they see what is hidden from the eyes of others. Thanks to this, silent people correctly assess the situation and draw conclusions.

Outstanding analytical skills

Low-communication people have outstanding analytical skills. They evaluate circumstances, reason, break down the situation into its components and choose a solution.

Increased intuition

Silent people focus on themselves and listen to their own feelings. They have highly developed intuition. They are aware of emotions, feel the mood of the interlocutor, and observe the situation.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

Such individuals intuitively understand when it is possible to speak and when it is better to remain silent. They accept both sides of an argument, have an optimistic view of the world, but react sharply to criticism.

Vulnerability

Silent people react sharply to criticism addressed to them; they are hurt by everything that they do not want to hear. This quality is present in men and women. They criticize themselves, worry deeply about what happened, and can lead themselves to depression.

They like to be at home

Silent people are introverts and prefer to spend time alone. The best place to relax is at home, where you don’t have to strain, put on a mask and fight indecision.

Sometimes communication is too hard

Speaking in front of an audience is a challenge for people of few words. Silent people do not know how to come up with topics for communication on the fly; they answer questions in monosyllables. Communication with an unfamiliar person becomes a burden.

How long should you wait before replying to a message?

This question caused the most controversy and disagreement among respondents. And these are the tactics people usually follow.

Tactics for doubling response time: they answer you in five minutes, you wait ten. This way, you will always be in a better position because you will appear busier and less approachable than your interlocutor.
Some wait a few minutes to show that there is something more important in their life than a phone.
Some respondents believe that it is better to double the response time, but sometimes you can answer quickly, there is nothing wrong with that (as, indeed, with a response that takes too long).
Some people claim that they expect exactly 1.25 times the response time.
Others say that waiting three minutes is enough.
There were also those who were already fed up with such games, so they responded immediately as soon as they saw the message. They believe that their answers without feigned anticipation seem more lively and confident.

But do these tactics really work? And why do so many people adhere to them? Let's see if these strategies compare with actual psychological research.

If you haven't seen each other for a long time

Separation is a difficult time for lovers and those who simply like each other. Warm words and gentle messages significantly shorten the distance and help brighten up a difficult time:

“Surprisingly, time passes very quickly when you are around, and it drags on very painfully in your absence.”

“The breakup made me realize how strong my feelings for you are.”

“I never thought I’d miss those dirty mugs you regularly leave in the sink.”

“Today on my way to work I met several couples in love. I sincerely envy them."

If you want to ask for forgiveness

There are situations when you should ask for forgiveness from someone you offended.

Example phrases:

“Don’t be angry, life is too short to waste it on grudges. I'm sorry".

“I’m very sorry that this happened. Our relationship is important to me. Right now, more than anything else, I want to make peace with you.”

“The reason for our quarrel is insignificant compared to my feelings for you. “I will try to improve and not allow such situations to happen again.”

“Let’s forget the ridiculous grievances and leave our quarrel in the past.”

“I had a lot of time to understand my mistake and admit my guilt. I'm very worried about what happened. Please forgive me".