The article explains:
- 6 main reasons why a man doesn’t help solve problems
- Explanation of male passivity from a psychological point of view
- 8 recommendations on how to teach a man to help in difficult situations
- Or maybe women are to blame for everything?
Recently, representatives of the fairer sex are increasingly complaining that men close to them do not help solve problems. Moreover, problems in the mouths of women can mean anything: from banal help with housework to support in financial matters.
There is some truth in these complaints, and a very significant one. Men have become much less active in this regard than before. Therefore, their friends have only two options: to do everything themselves or to convince their partner to provide all possible assistance in resolving this or that issue. The second is, of course, preferable.
When a man has problems
Men and women experience stress and troubles differently.
When a man has problems, he needs to be alone and silent , and he “goes” into the so-called “cave”. Only silently can a man sort everything out in his head and make the right decision. In this state, he can remain silent for an hour or two, or even all day .
Reasons why a man does not support you in difficult times
Photo by Ron Lach: Pexels
It is very difficult to be disappointed in loved ones with whom you have been in a relationship for many years. Moreover, if they have experienced many sad and joyful moments. At this moment you experience a lot of negative emotions: disappointment, pain, resentment.
Let's look at why a man doesn't provide support at the right time.
- It is possible that this situation did not seem simple for the husband either. He was unable to cope with his emotions and did not know how to properly support you. This complicated the relationship between you.
- From childhood, boys realized that all girls are hysterical. They tend to exaggerate everything. As a man grows older, he also treats women differently. His skepticism remains even in those moments when you really need help. He still considers this a sign of weakness and a whim.
- The family structure is such that the man works in society. He comes home to rest and providing support is not part of his plans. He is busy making money. You run the house. Everything seems to be logical. Your husband is spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, but he expects calm and understanding from you.
- Infantility. If a man grew up in a family where his mother took all the responsibility, then he has no example that he should be the support. He is not able to understand that he needs to provide some kind of support; your difficulties do not touch him. Even if he takes the initiative, he will do everything carelessly, expressing dissatisfaction and irritation in every possible way.
- The man takes revenge. Perhaps there was a situation between you when your husband rightfully counted on support. Today your relationship is tense. He doesn't support you out of resentment. Moreover, he can do this both consciously and unconsciously. This is the behavior of an immature person. This is how children behave towards their parents.
- The man does not feel responsible in the relationship. Perhaps you are like a general in a skirt. She took everything upon herself, took power from her husband to herself. You don't give him the opportunity to make his own decision. You always have the last word. The partner with you has gained uncertainty, has stopped taking any actions, and is independently waiting for “instructions from above.”
- You live in a parental family, where the headship belongs to either the father-in-law or the father-in-law. You still have a parent-child relationship. Your husband has given you the right to support your parents.
My husband doesn't support me. What to do?
- Afraid of appearing inept. Perhaps the man thinks that it is better to do nothing than to show his incompetence. He will not be able to be the main thing for himself if he shows his lack of intelligence in the matter.
- Afraid of becoming henpecked. The idea was firmly ingrained in him that you would sit on his neck and lead him in this most convenient position for you.
- Perhaps the husband has modest income. He realizes that he is unable to provide you with the support you need. He simply does not have the ability to provide the necessary help.
Fears that consciously or unconsciously affect a man indicate his unwillingness to support you, in fact there are more. But they all stem from bad experiences.
Something is taking up his time
The most common reason he doesn't call you back is that he's just busy. Remember that if he likes you, he will make an effort to be with you. But don't think he's ready to give up after the first date. A guy has a job, family, friends and other interests just like you, and sometimes he really doesn't have enough time. If he has time for everything but you, this is not a good sign. But if you see him really struggling to get things done and eventually calling back or making some effort, you'll know he's just a busy guy!
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The main reasons for male stinginess
- The woman initially showed her independence. This happens if a lady likes to demonstrate her independence. Such people especially like to pay for themselves even on dates and do not accept any gifts from men, considering them handouts or a kind of bribery of feelings. Once a man agrees with such life principles, he is unlikely to continue to show his gentlemanly qualities.
- Male consumers do not see the point in excessive wastefulness. When his relationship with a woman has everything he needs: attention and care, as well as regular sex, he stops making material investments. However, men most likely do not see such ladies as future wives, unless, of course, they are very rich people.
- The unfortunate suitor simply does not understand that the material component is an obligatory element of love courtship. At the same time, he looks like a very romantic admirer, constantly talks about his feelings, wants to be nearby all the time, etc. Many women believe that the more a man values a relationship, the more generous he should be. Therefore, the stinginess of the gentleman against the backdrop of a relationship full of romance baffles them.
- Some women don’t know how to beautifully hint to a fan that they want to receive small gifts or even financial support. They believe that their gentleman himself should guess about this and literally read their thoughts. Ladies do not take into account that men do not have natural intuition and understand direct requests better than vague hints.
Devaluation of experiences
If an upset woman constantly receives in response the phrases: “don’t worry”, “this is nonsense” - this is a sure sign that in a difficult situation it is better for her not to count on her chosen one. To such a person, other people's experiences will never seem like something serious.
Almost all people sometimes sin like this. Sometimes you just can’t put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand why your interlocutor is crying because they were rude to him in public transport or were given the wrong change in a store. But when a husband systematically devalues his wife’s problems, there is little good.
What to do if a man is afraid to provide support
If a man does not support you, then you should not throw scandals, throw accusations, or humiliate him. This definitely won't change the situation for the better. Let's see how to behave if you want to get support from your husband.
- State your request directly. A man will not come to help if you have not voiced your request. This is not accepted in a man's world. If you want help, then say it simply, without veiled phrases. He won't be able to guess what your friend, mother or sister would do. If you don’t express your request out loud, then you can handle everything yourself. Analyze the situation, why it is difficult for you to ask. Perhaps you think this is a sign of weakness. Then you need to work on your self-esteem.
- Explain how his support is demonstrated. State clearly what you want to get as a result. No emotions needed. Men think with actions, not feelings. Learn to talk about your needs.
- Come up with the right motivation. Remove the word “should” from your vocabulary. Even if you have been married for several decades, it is not his responsibility to help you. Make him want to do it. Proper motivation is a useful skill in life. It’s better to learn it and apply it.
- Thank your husband. No one will rush to complete your task at the snap of a finger. Any action requires gratitude in return. This is fine. Even if your husband provided minor support, be sure to thank him for it. Subsequently, he will gladly fulfill one more of your requests, not because he “should”, but because he “wants”. This will make your life much easier.
- Show genuine interest in your husband's life. Be aware of everything that worries or pleases him. Strong relationships are built on this foundation. Every couple goes through difficult times, sincere feelings are an assistant in overcoming them.
- Don't be afraid to be affectionate. Moreover, affection is expressed not only in words, but also in the correct intonation. Even an affectionate phrase spoken in the wrong tone can sound like an insult and even mockery. Don't stay on that path. Be a fairy for your man, embodying affection and kindness.
- Don't be afraid of difficulties. Believe in your husband. It often happens that you are excessively frugal. Then the man feels your disbelief, doubt in him. This causes him to lose faith in himself. Start thinking of your partner as your support. Then he will perceive himself the same way. Tell me how much you believe in him. Voice your problems.
- Learn to relax. In a family, a woman is a storehouse of energy, which she gives to her husband at the right time. When performing actions, a man loses his energy. If you have learned to relax and are not at the peak of activity all the time, then you will be able to provide him with the necessary support.
If you have a friendly relationship, then the man will do everything to fulfill your request and support you. If he doesn't do this, then you need to analyze your actions.
He wants to work on himself
It's unlikely, but it happens. As we already said, everyone is different. He may be reluctant to call you back because although he is interested in you, he wants to work on himself before he continues dating. He may not be trying to conquer the world to prove that he's good enough for you, but he might wait until he gets a permanent job or solves some other problem he's working on, whether it's losing weight or solving another problem with health. Life isn't a romantic comedy starring Reese Witherspoon, so it's possible he's genuinely interested in you.
He's not sure what he wants
Just because a guy likes you doesn't mean he's ready for a relationship with you. Most of the time, guys aren't ready for a relationship until they meet and fall in love with a particular girl, and if that happens, it may take him a while to adjust to his new desires. He may have been planning to live in Southeast Asia for a month or leave to look for a job in another city, but now that he has met you, he is not sure about it.
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The need for unnecessary sacrifices
In a relationship, sometimes you have to sacrifice something, but these self-denials must be justified, and not carried out to please someone’s whim. A man who respects his chosen one will not demand that she stop communicating with her loved ones, give up her hobbies, give up her established life and follow him to the other side of the world for the sake of dubious prospects.
By giving up everything important, a woman focuses on her partner and her relationship with him. In a difficult situation, there will be no one to ask for help, and it is unknown how the spouse will behave.
He's afraid of rejection
Yes, guys have a natural tendency to go after what they want, and men are generally considered insensitive. The reality is that everyone has feelings, everyone is afraid of something, and it's entirely possible that he won't call you back because he's afraid of being rejected. He may be a very nervous person who does not want to spoil existing relationships. Additionally, you may have unknowingly given him the impression that you are not interested in him, and he wants to spare his ego by simply avoiding you completely. The guys are scared too! Don't be afraid to let him know you're interested if you think he's unsure.
You scared him
One of the reasons why he didn't call back after the first meeting may be that you scared him a little on the first date. Even if you like someone, a little attractiveness will not make you radically change your whole life, and every man thinks the same. If you openly talk about how you want to start a relationship with him, get married within a year and get pregnant within two years, and he hasn't even started to think about all of this yet, there is a good chance that he will run away from you, even if he he has feelings for you. This is a standard way that girls tend to scare guys off, but it can happen in other ways as well. You may get caught up in your plans to travel the world and run your own company, which may make him feel uneasy if his future goals look completely different.
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He loves psychological games
Playing so subtly is more feminine than masculine. Society tells us that women should be conquered and men should be hunted, but we know that this is not always the case. It's possible that he won't call you back because he's waiting for you to call him. He doesn't want to seem too interested in you. He wants you to think he has other doors open without frantically checking his cell phone every two minutes to see if you called. Dating may not be as interesting without mind games.
