The art of persuasion: 7 secrets of a negotiator and hostage rescue specialist

Imagine a professional negotiator in action: he carefully takes the initiative, communicates calmly, places emotional accents and convincingly conveys his thoughts. We don’t even notice how we take his side - it seems like we just thought in our own way, and now we completely agree with the interlocutor.

This is exactly how the ability to persuade works - that is, to convey your idea, achieve voluntary agreement with your position, and persuade a person to think the way you want. In this article, we have collected a selection of communication secrets that will help you become a master of persuasion.

Don't be honest

Straightforwardness and honesty are admirable qualities.
But if you engage them fully in an argument, your opponent may feel that you are too pushy and rude. If you don't listen, don't seek mutual understanding, and aren't willing to put yourself in the other person's shoes, an easily solvable problem can turn into a real battle. But you don't want to start a war. Therefore, be polite and careful in your expressions.

Chris Voss

author, former FBI hostage negotiation and rescue specialist

“I am a direct and honest person. I will speak openly and honestly because I want people to speak honestly and openly with me.” You shouldn't think like that. Another person may perceive your honesty as harshness and aggressiveness. If I feel that my direct and honest approach may be perceived as an attack, I will try to mislead the opponent and focus on solving the problem. This way the interlocutor will not feel that I am attacking him.

Negotiation books often advise getting straight to the point. But they don’t say that such tactics can be regarded as an attack. Better slow down. Smile. Speak in a friendly and calm manner.

Strategic Thinking

Have you ever thought about the great inventors and rich entrepreneurs in today's world, they are great thinkers. That's why they were able to have a huge impact on people. Warren Buffett is considered one of the most successful investors in the world, Mark Zuckerberg is the chairman, CEO and co-founder of Facebook. These people are great today because they thought strategically. With this skill, they can easily convince people to accept their ideas.

Don't try to get the answer "yes" every time.

You've probably heard of this trick: if you get the other person to answer "yes" to your questions several times, he will be more likely to agree with what you really want. This trick may have worked in the past, but today everyone knows about it.

Now imagine that someone is trying to pull this trick on you. And you understand perfectly well what they want from you. I wonder what you will feel? Exactly. That you are being disgustingly and primitively manipulated. Trust, like negotiations, is down the drain. People will be reluctant to say “yes” if they suspect that something is being sought from them. They immediately take a defensive position.

When a person says “no”, he feels protected. “No” is a defense. “Yes” is a commitment. A person begins to worry whether he made a mistake by agreeing to something. But by answering “no,” he does not oblige himself to anything. Only by feeling protected can he relax and become more open.

Chris Voss

Chris recommends constructing phrases so that a person can answer “no” to them. For example, you can ask: “Would it be a bad idea if...?”, then the interlocutor will not feel constrained and will more often agree with your proposals, answering something like: “No, not a problem.”

It's also a great way to resolve the situation if you're being ignored. How it works? Ask one simple question to get the other person to say no. For example: “Have you abandoned this project?” Most often, this is followed by a quick answer: “No, we’ve just been very busy lately. Sorry for delay".

Look for a personalized approach

Writer Travis Bradberry, in an article on Entrepreneur, reminds us that persuasion is a skill that can and should be developed. For example, before a conversation, try to get to know your interlocutors better, check how they react to different conversation styles:

• If the person is assertive and energetic, speak faster too.
• If you're shy, ease up and don't push.

Adapt to the character of the interlocutor, this will allow him to relax and feel comfortable, and you will convince him.

Check all accusations and agree with them

If you are arguing with a loved one or business partner with whom your relationship has suddenly deteriorated, sooner or later you will hear complaints addressed to you: “You are not listening to me” or “You acted unfairly.”

Most often, the answer to the accusation will begin like this: “I don’t...” By uttering this phrase, you reject the feelings of the interlocutor and will no longer be able to come to anything. Trust is lost.

What to do in this situation? Agree with every terrible accusation they can make of you.

The fastest and most effective way to restore the old relationship is to admit all complaints and smooth them out.

Chris Voss

Don't be afraid to appear weak, don't be afraid to apologize. Before you show all your cards, let your opponent know that you are on his side. In the future, he will also make concessions to you if he believes that you are interested and understand him. By denying the claims, you double the flow of accusations.

How to convince a person: key principles

There is a lot of literature on how to learn to persuade, but theory alone helps little. It is necessary to master practical methods of influence. This is useful from all sides: you will learn to persuade yourself and will be able to resist manipulation by recognizing the techniques of your opponents.

The fundamental principle of persuasion is the combination of logical arguments with emotions and characteristics of human psychology. This was discovered by Aristotle, the creator of the classical laws of rhetoric. Persuasion is based on the use of three components:

• pathos - an emotional component that influences feelings, creating the desired mood in the interlocutor; logos - convincing arguments that are difficult to object to;
• ethos is a reference to generally accepted authorities, positions close to a person, people whom he respects.

Another important tool of influence is the ability to quickly understand which position is close to your counterpart and create the impression in the person that you share his opinion. At the same time, one must not stoop to manipulation.

Let your opponent feel like he's in control

Many books on negotiation use fighting metaphors and emphasize the importance of dominance. Bad idea. You should strive for a collaborative atmosphere. But if both sides fight for power, then you can forget about cooperation. Some people completely lose control when they feel they are not in control of a situation, especially in a tense situation. So let them think they have everything under control.

Invite your opponent to start the conversation first and determine the direction of the discussion. Ask open-ended “what?” questions. And How?". This will make your opponent feel like he is in control, because he is enlightening you. By doing so, you will create a more favorable atmosphere that will allow you to conclude a better deal.

Chris Voss

Skill of mutual understanding

Communication skills are critical to developing mutual trust and friendship with someone or a group of people. Once you have established a good interpersonal relationship with someone or a group of people, it gives you the opportunity to connect with them and share some ideas and values.

Important!

Jason Nazar says, “By mirroring and matching others' habitual behavior (body language, rhythm, language patterns, etc.), you can create a sense of rapport; when people feel more comfortable with you, they become more open to your suggestions.

Make your opponent say magic words

"Yes that's right". When your opponent says this phrase, you can be sure that he feels that you understand him. You have achieved harmony. Now emotions work for you. Now you are not warring savages, but two sides trying to solve a problem by cooperating with each other.

How to move the conversation to get the answer “Yes, that’s right”? Make generalizations. Rephrase what your opponent tells you. This way he will understand that you are listening and understanding him. You don't have to agree with everything you hear, just give a brief description.

But the words "You're right" should make you worry. Think about when you say this phrase yourself. Most often, when you want to politely hint to a person to shut up and get lost.

History of origin

According to the plot of one of the ancient Greek myths, the god Apollo was in love with the Trojan princess Cassandra. To win her heart, Apollo gave Cassandra the gift of a fortuneteller. Having received the ability, Cassandra changed her mind about marrying Apollo. Angry, he ordered that none of Cassandra's prophecies be taken seriously. Since then, the Trojan princess has predicted many important events: both about the unfortunate journey of Paris and about the trap of the Trojan horse. However, no one believed her.

Today, the Complex or Cassandra Syndrome refers to a person’s inability to convince others that he is right. Some researchers believe that the ancient Greek myth describes a situation in which matriarchy and the patriarchal system of society come into contact.

In business and politics, Cassandra Syndrome refers to a situation where managers lose sight of important information that could save a large number of people from loss. Psychologists often point out that the Cassandra Complex is most often found in people of the hysterical type. They are also often accused of emotional instability, hypersensitivity and receptivity. People who have Cassandra Syndrome often remain in the shadows because they do not know how to convince others of their point of view.

Identify leverage points

Sometimes it seems that you can't influence the situation in any way. But there are always levers of pressure, you just need to find them. And you can do this by listening and asking questions. This builds trust and makes the opponent feel like he is in control.

Negotiation is not a struggle, but a process of discovery. When you know the other person's real needs, the reasons why he is resisting, you can directly address him and try to solve the problems.

Your opponent has something to tell you. You should get valuable information from his words. For example, his boss told him that if the deal was not closed in two days, he would be fired. Or in his company it is necessary to close all transactions before going on vacation. There are actually two things you should know. What your opponent is hiding from you on purpose, and what he simply doesn’t think is important (although it is) and what he won’t mention if you don’t guide the conversation.

Chris Voss

A good example of this situation was a lecture on negotiation at MIT. Two groups of students must decide how to divide the oranges. Each group knows its task, but the task of the other group does not. Aggressive students simply take all the oranges for themselves (they get bad results and are likely to get divorced more often in the future). Students who are inclined to cooperate suggest dividing the oranges 50/50. Better, but far from an ideal solution.

What do smart students do? Ask the right questions. As a result, they may learn that the other group only wants orange peels. And their group only needs the fruit. Both sides can get exactly what they want. But they'll never know unless they ask.

Representatives of sophistry

Photo by George Milton: Pexels
Representatives of sophistry include such philosophers as:

• Protagoras of Abdera
• Hippias
• Gorgias of Leontius
• Prodicus of Keos

They taught people the skills of rhetoric and taught how to persuade with the power of words. But, unfortunately, almost all of their works were lost and they can only be judged based on the works of Plato. No, Samka will not tell you about the sophists and their works.

This excursion into history was made with one purpose - to demonstrate to you that the ability to persuade has always been relevant. It is this that allows you not only to defend your point of view, but also to convince others of its correctness, thereby at least increasing your own importance in the eyes of your opponent.

Ask stupid questions

Turn on the fool. It works. Ask: “How can I do this?” - and your opponent will begin to solve your problem for you.

The time-tested question “how?” - a sure-fire option for negotiations. This way you put pressure on your opponent. He has to come up with a solution and imagine the problems you might face in fulfilling his demand. The question “how?” is a graceful and affectionate way of saying no. Your opponent will have to come up with a better solution—your solution.

Chris Voss

Keep asking questions. During negotiations to free the hostages, Chris had to ask again and again: “How will we know that the hostages are safe?” “We don’t have that kind of money. How can we get them?”, “How will we deliver the ransom to you?” At some point they will simply tell you: “It’s your problem. Figure it out for yourself." There's nothing wrong with that. This means that the negotiations have come to an end and you must make a decision.

Research Skill

A person who wants to have the ability to persuade must be a good researcher in order to communicate accurately and authoritatively on a given issue. With a research skill, you can learn an unlimited amount about the ideas and views you want to convey.

Important!

Your level of extensive knowledge gives you the added advantage of convincing others to believe in your ideas.

Results

Let's remember once again all the tips that will help you convince other people:

1. Don't be honest. Honesty can be perceived as toughness and stubbornness, regardless of your intentions. Be polite and slow down.
2. Don't try to ensure that the answer is always "yes". This ploy puts people on the defensive. Make sure the answer is no.
3. Agree with all accusations. Acknowledge all complaints against you and try to smooth them out.
4. Let them feel like they are in control. People want independence. Ask questions and help them feel in control.
5. Get the answer “Yes, that’s right.” This way you can start collaborating.
6. Identify leverage points. Listen, listen, listen.
7. Ask stupid questions. Let your opponents solve your problems.

Experience of persuasion - logical arguments and reliance on facts

To convince people of something, you must be very well educated in this matter. My many years of experience in sales and promotion of goods have proven that only personal interest in one’s business and deep knowledge of the subject help in this matter.

While promoting such a medicine as DONA, a structure-modifying drug for the treatment of osteoarthritis, enormous experience was gained:

• Ongoing training in the field of ethics, behavioral psychology and promotion of the drug itself
• Knowledge in the field of pharmacokinetics and pharmacodynamics of the drug Dona
• Knowledge of all important competitors
• Reviews of world research in the field of osteoarthritis
• Practical application of knowledge among doctors

Etc. All this knowledge helped in convincing people that it’s worth learning.

All this still helps in life; I have developed friendly relations with many whom I have encountered in my work. And very often I hear in response that “Dona has come.” I always remember with gratitude all my colleagues and the management of the company, although many years have passed since I worked there.

The ability to convince people will help you develop an important skill - the ability to sell

Sociability

Communication is very important when you want to convince someone or a group of people. It should be a two-way communication where feedback is welcomed. The art of persuasion is about interaction and encouragement to discover the state of mind, motives and views of the people you want to persuade.

Human Relations Skill

Human relations skills are critical to persuasion. Classical management theorists failed in part because they neglected the human approach to employee management. To be strong in persuasion, you must be able to understand a person's pain and problems.

Important!

Persuasive people are likeable and influential because they put the needs of others before themselves. When you make a sincere attempt to understand the other person's background and motivation, you can be more effective in persuasion.

Language skills

As a result of globalization, we tend to meet people from different countries with different languages, value systems, norms and cultures. One of the ways to establish interpersonal relationships with them is to understand their languages. Constant communication with them will give you the opportunity to share your ideas and influence their opinions

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Critical Skill

Reasoning is a product of critical thinking. You can't convince people when you don't know anything about them. Critical thinking makes a person an active learner rather than a passive recipient of information.

Important!

Critical thinkers use observation, analysis, interpretation, reflection, evaluation, inference, and explanation to get people to believe them.

A selection of books on the art of persuasion

Books always have a powerful effect on our brain; they also improve us professionally. Try to constantly read literature that interests you, listen to audiobooks, and also take special courses. Courses and trainings.

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Decision Making Skills

Our daily life is full of decision making. Most of the above skills depend on decision making. For example, when choosing a group of people you want to persuade, choosing the type of communication and choosing strategies and methods to persuade them are functions of decision making. Without this skill, it is impossible to achieve much when trying to persuade people.