When betrayal happens, the world falls apart. Why? For what? Something went wrong? And what to do next - break off the relationship or try to mend it? Psychologist with 35 years of experience, Janice Spring, wrote the book “Betrayal,” where she tells how to survive the crisis after betrayal, sort out your feelings and decide whether to save the relationship.
We chose an excerpt from the book about how men and women react differently to betrayal.
Gender differences and reactions to infidelity
As a rule, men and women evaluate their partner’s betrayal differently, which, in turn, gives different emotional overtones to their reactions.
It's important not to generalize too much—what's true for some people isn't true for others, but there is evidence that most people's responses are at least partially consistent with typical behavior for their gender. Understanding these biological and cultural programs, while variable and imprecise, should shed some light on your response to infidelity so that you may not feel so alone or abnormal. This will help your partner understand your feelings better. In general, women are determined to restore and maintain relationships; men - finish and look for a new partner. Women are more likely to become depressed and blame themselves; men are more likely to get angry and attack others, including in the imagination. Women are more likely to attribute infidelity to their overall unworthiness; men - their sexual inadequacy. Women tend to exaggerate the significance of infidelity and spend more time healing; men are able to separate themselves from the pain and move on.
Think with your head
Plan what and how you will tell your man. Think a hundred times whether what you are about to say is really important. Are your inner complexes and fears whispering nonsense to you?
Don’t be lazy, sketch out your thesis plan on paper. Some women may find this exercise confusing. Planning a conversation with a man? Prescribe a plan? This is some kind of nonsense. But believe me, dear, you can’t even imagine how much garbage you can weed out before even starting a conversation.
I am sure that this will help you structure your thoughts, understand yourself better and convey your thoughts to a man most effectively.
Difference #1: Women try to save relationships; the men turn around and leave
Women: “Perhaps we can overcome this.” Men: “Don’t even think about coming back.”
If the injured partner is a woman, she is likely to try to save the relationship, in part because she has been culturally taught to please others and not pay attention to her own needs.
A man tends to tear away his losses and look for a replacement - someone who will give him the love and attention that he believes he deserves. Women tend to suppress themselves or hide from their feelings when they are emotionally abused. Under pressure to “maintain at least the appearance of harmony in the family,” they often drown out the true self and the inner voice that screams: “I need something more.”
Society conveys to us that a woman’s task—and the measure of her self-esteem—is to maintain connections with others. One excellent study asked eight-year-old girls how they felt when boys bullied them. The girls were aware of their anger and expressed it openly; but already at the age of about twelve years old the same girls answered the same question: “I don’t know.” This study clearly shows that many women, as they get older, stop trusting their feelings when they are treated badly. If you, as a woman, can't admit the extent to which your partner's infidelity has hurt you, if you stop speaking directly and confidently about your negative feelings in order to stay together, if you're afraid of blowing the whistle, then you've been done well. .
Another reason why women tend to stay in broken relationships is because they believe in the daunting alternative of being alone. After the publication of the famous 1986 study of marriage by Harvard and Yale scientists Bennett, Bloom and Craig, women panicked over the identified shortage of bachelors. Although Susan Faludi pointed out the skewed data in 1991, the study was still a near death knell for spinsters, as women believed that after the age of forty their chances of getting married were close to zero.
Financially, women in divorce suffer more than men, partly because they are more concerned with raising young children and partly because ex-spouses are more likely to pay car bills than alimony. Although the gender wage gap is closing, women are still more likely to earn less in similar positions—77 cents on a man's dollar. For these practical reasons alone, many women seek to save their marriage.
Men are more confident that they will find a replacement, and therefore are less inclined to return a partner who has been on a spree. Because men are less likely to define themselves through successful relationships, they often believe that they have little to lose if they leave their partner. Women tend to suppress themselves and stay, men tend to run away. They deal with their trauma by eliminating the source of pain.
What to do if you can’t resolve the conflict
In an ideal world, parties to a conflict respect each other's needs, control their emotions, and find a joint solution to the problem. In reality, there is a possibility that the conversation will not work out, the conflict will not be resolved the first time or at all. Evgeny Ilyin in his book “Psychology of Communication and Interpersonal Relations” identifies three unfavorable outcomes of a conflict situation: avoidance of conflict, confrontation and coercion. Below we will look at what you can do for each of them.
When the other person leaves the conversation
Obviously, you should not start a dialogue if a person is sick, experiencing strong emotions (anger, resentment, sadness) or is busy. However, it should be remembered that the interlocutor may hide behind excuses to avoid discussing the problem.
Be persistent and agree on specific deadlines
— Oleg, I value our relationship very much. It upsets me that lately we often quarrel over cleaning. Can we discuss this problem now?
- I'm watching football, come on later.
Bad: “You don’t care about our relationship!”
Good: “When does the match end? Can we talk after this?”
Ask why the other person is avoiding conversation
Ask or guess. Perhaps he is uncomfortable discussing certain topics due to his upbringing (for example, sex) or due to past negative experiences. It is important to maintain a safe atmosphere: do not put pressure, do not blame, do not criticize.
- Oleg, I noticed that you are uncomfortable discussing cleaning. You may think that I will criticize you, but I just want to calmly discuss the problem and find a joint solution.
Explain that it is important to discuss the problem now
Otherwise, in the future, negative emotions will accumulate like a snowball.
— Oleg, lately we often quarrel over cleaning. The longer the problem exists, the more the quality of our relationships suffers: irritation and mutual grievances accumulate. Let's talk.
Repeatedly avoiding dialogue without good reason may demonstrate the other person's indifference to your needs. Consider whether you are willing to continue a relationship in which the other party is not interested.
When you can't reach an agreement
You and your interlocutor are unable to find a common solution: everyone insists on their own point of view. When all reasonable arguments are used, grievances, insults, claims are used - the dialogue develops into a scandal.
Set the rules
They will help you stay within the bounds of a constructive conversation. For example, use only “I statements”: instead of reproaches and accusations, talk about your own thoughts and emotions that arose in response to the current situation.
Bad: “Oleg, you are lazy. Instead of helping me with cleaning, you watch TV for hours. You treat me like an unpaid servant."
Good: “Oleg, I think it’s unfair the way household responsibilities are now distributed. It upsets me that I do a lot of things alone: I cook, wash dishes, clean the apartment on weekends. Because of this, I have little time for rest and favorite activities. I want to redistribute responsibilities."
Invite a moderator
An impartial third party will help guide the dialogue in a peaceful direction and find a joint solution. The moderator can be a family psychologist, a colleague from a neighboring department, or a mutual friend - the main thing is that the person is not interested in the conflict.
When an opponent imposes his terms
Sometimes the interlocutor tries to impose his point of view at any cost, even if this threatens to worsen or break the relationship. He puts forward the conditions “be patient or leave”, “obey or wait for the consequences”: “Irina, I believe that a woman should do the cleaning, so on principle I will not help. If you are not satisfied with this situation, live with your mother,” “Oleg, if you don’t help me around the house, I will divorce you.”
Coercion is the least favorable outcome of a conflict: the participant demonstrates disrespect for your needs and intolerance of other people's views.
Explain to your interlocutor that such categoricalness is inappropriate: with joint efforts, you can find a solution that will suit everyone. If the interlocutor continues to insist on an outcome that is convenient only for him, think about whether you need an unequal relationship, where you constantly have to endure and give in.
Difference #2: Women get depressed, men get angry.
Women: “I failed the most important relationship in my life.” Men: “If I meet my wife’s lover, I will kill him.”
A common female reaction to infidelity is self-deprecation. Men tend to be angry and attack those who have hurt them, at least in their fantasies.
According to a recent Mayo Clinic study, women are twice as likely to develop clinical depression as men. One reason for this trend is women's tendency to turn criticism inward on themselves rather than outward on others.
The second reason is that women more often define themselves through relationships with other people and associate their worth with whether they are loved or not. When a relationship breaks down or fails, a woman is more likely to experience low self-esteem and depression because she doesn't just lose her partner, she loses herself.
A man, on the contrary, would rather direct his rage at his wife or her lover than at himself. Aggressive men are more likely to have to restrain their violence, but even passive, introspective men sometimes find themselves fantasizing about attacking the “enemy.” Either way, anger gives you back power and control by driving away anxious feelings like shame or self-doubt. Some of you will want to see your partner as a victim who has fallen under the influence of a tempting lover. This way, you avoid the painful possibility that your partner made the decision to have an affair because he was disappointed in you.
Be careful with the future
I'll be completely honest with you. Go back to point three and never ask a man stupid questions. Especially about your future together. “When will we get married?”, “When will I come to you?”, “How many children do you want?”... No joke - they are stressful and generally confuse a man.
Keep your finger on the pulse and observe a man's behavior, his attitude towards you, his actions. They always speak for themselves.
If he refuses to have a serious relationship or conversation on this topic because he is confused, he is going through a difficult period in his life, etc., there is only one option. He's a beggar. You need to run away from him.
A decent man may also have problems and difficulties, but he will always let you know that he wants to be there and cares about your couple as a whole.
Clear boundaries
Showdowns should not turn into a real battlefield. You need to learn to indicate your position as specifically as possible in order to avoid any ambiguity. Otherwise, you will definitely remain guilty of something. You need to try not to deviate from the main topic and avoid getting too personal. Clearly setting boundaries will help reduce the severity of the conflict and ultimately resolve it faster.
The more prudence shown in these moments, the better. You should not throw out your irritation just because you have accumulated it. Show tolerance, respect, try to understand your interlocutor, find some significant points of contact.
Always appreciate your man
And, of course, in order to be able to get out of any conflict with a man correctly, you must, first of all, be able to appreciate and love your man. No matter how much you quarrel, remember how much good and important he did for you and your family. Try to remember the positive moments of your family life, this will help smooth out all the rough edges and misunderstandings during a conflict.
Married couples who have been married for several decades often cite respect for each other, the ability to listen, and compromise among the characteristics of their relationships. By learning to sort things out with a man correctly, you will preserve peace and love in the family, and possibly the family itself.
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Who is offering to sit down at the negotiating table?
The fact of who exactly is proposing to sort things out can say a lot about relationships in a married couple.
Option 1:
The initiator of negotiations is not a brawler, not a bore, but the most concerned about the happiness and well-being of the family member. It is he (she) who is more interested in her fate.
Option 2:
Behind the attempt to sort out the relationship sometimes lies the internal desire of the initiator of negotiations to quickly free himself from a connection that does not satisfy him. Disassembly is a means to bring the moment of rupture closer. Perhaps provoke him and even look abandoned and offended.
It is quite simple to determine the true motives: if the initiator of negotiations tries to conduct them constructively, it means that he is determined to maintain the relationship, and if he stubbornly reduces everything to a scandal and indiscriminately blames only his partner for everything, perhaps he feels that he does not need the relationship.
Learn to admit your own mistakes
If during the argument you realized that you were really wrong, then you will finally learn to admit your mistakes. There is no need to stand your ground to the end, to be stubborn, so as not to simply lose your self-esteem. Say that you realized your mistake, and your loved one was really right in this matter. By expressing yourself in this way, you let your significant other know that you know how to accept yourself as you are. The ability to honestly admit your mistakes makes men respect and want to trust their beloved.
How to talk correctly to strengthen relationships
Remember when you first met your beloved man, you couldn’t talk to him? But time passes, and you begin to communicate mainly only about everyday topics - who will pick up the child from kindergarten, who will pay utility bills, where the family will spend the weekend. Interest in your partner gradually disappears. The longer a couple is together, the less they talk. together.
Communication makes it possible to feel connected to your loved one and recharge with positive energy.
How to start having heart-to-heart conversations on different topics and with the same interest as at the very beginning of a relationship?
- Make time to talk. If, after returning from work and having dinner, the first thing you do is turn on the TV or computer or immerse yourself in your smartphone, then the likelihood that you will switch to your loved one is very small. Set aside just 20–30 minutes for communication. Talk about how your day went, how things are going at work, how he is feeling
- Get your partner interested. Start the conversation with a topic that interests him. This may be the key to trusting communication.
- Listen carefully to your partner. During a call, to save time, you can wash dishes or wipe dust. Yes, you can multitask, but for your significant other this means a lack of interest in what he is talking about and he will stop talking.
More specifics
Specifics and clear argumentation are important conditions in a dialogue with a man if you really want to convey your idea to him. Less water, more meaning.
Men don't take hints. I want to voice this again. Write it down anywhere:
Men. Do not understand. Hints. Not in any way.
Maintain balance. Be specific in your desires, but soft in the tone of the conversation. Keep in mind the points that you would like to talk about with a man and ask for advice. At the same time, look for an approach to him.
First of all, you need this, and the relationship will only benefit from such a well-constructed dialogue.
Sense of tact
Respect for your interlocutor is not at all a sign of weakness, as many may think. A timely sense of tact will help to “resolve” even the most hopeless situation. You should not consider your opponent incapable of understanding anything. If you pay careful attention to what they tell you, you will help yourself. Any conflict, if it drags on for one reason or another, harms mental health, aggravates chronic illnesses, and reveals the negative sides of the personality. At least for a short moment, try to get out of the argument and relieve the accumulated irritation. Listen to what they are trying to convey to you, and you will understand a lot.
Striving for Understanding
This is perhaps the most important and valuable recommendation. Unfortunately, many people neglect it because they do not know how to curb their own difficult character. Striving for understanding can help save any relationship, even if it is on the brink of disaster. Believe that your interlocutor also wants to be heard and hopes that his personal interests will be taken into account. This is why you should not try to think only about yourself. At the moment of clarification of relations, it is quite difficult to distinguish between claims.
After all, you want to express everything that has accumulated at once, and at the same time not think about the consequences at all. But if you want to come to the truth as painlessly as possible, you need to act much more carefully. In fact, delicacy in such a matter will not hurt at all. Before expressing accumulated complaints, try to understand your interlocutor. What worries him, what problems haunt him, what does this person strive for? Perhaps, thanks to your delicacy, you will be able to help him, and there will be no need to bring in the “heavy artillery.”
