Quarrels in relationships: is it normal, how to avoid them and what to do if they are constant

Couple relationships are not the easiest thing

. Every couple sooner or later experiences conflicts, resentments, and misunderstandings. This can happen both early in the relationship and later. It all depends on how people open up to each other; some can show their shortcomings right away, while others can hide them for years and not show them, fearing that their loved one will leave.

If quarrels between a man and a woman occur constantly, they are quite intense, even insults and in some cases even physical violence - this is far from the norm

. This behavior exhausts a person in an incredible way; constant stress will affect not only the emotional level, but also the physical one. A person under constant stress gets sick more, is less joyful and thinks that the person with whom he is in a relationship is not really the one he needs.

If quarrels do not occur so often, you are able to resolve conflicts, talk, compromise - such relationships are quite normal

. We are all different people and everyone may not be satisfied with something, so he has the right to express what does not suit him.

Not everyone will remain silent and endure. And is it necessary to endure? Is it really normal for a person who tolerates what he cannot tolerate? Thus, he pushes all his complaints and grievances very deep. But how long will they stay there? Sooner or later, everything that a person has been accumulating for many months or even years will come out, only with a more destructive and powerful effect.

Important!
Strong quarrels can begin in a week, a month or a year. It all depends on your personal qualities and the cause of conflicts.

Are arguments in relationships normal?

First, you need to stop believing in the myths that are firmly entrenched in the minds of many people.

Myth 1. There are no relationships without quarrels.

There are many sayings on this topic like “A relationship without quarrels is like soup without salt.” This common myth is reassuring because it instills the idea that this is the norm, that your couple is not the only one like this and no matter who you start dating, clashes are inevitable.

In fact, about 18% of couples don't fight. On the one hand, this is an insignificant number. On the other hand, it destroys the myth that it is impossible to build relationships without scandals. However, here it is worth taking a closer look at the reasons for such peaceful coexistence:

10% of couples do not quarrel because they have been living together for more than 10 years;
3% do not see the point in this, because for some reason they both benefit from this relationship, and they turn a blind eye to the rest (arranged marriages);
5% are, rather, an exception: in these couples people of the same temperament with similar views on life came together, both calm, wise and not conflicting.

One more thing. It’s not always worth believing those who deliberately convince everyone that there are no quarrels with your significant other. Perhaps they simply do not want to bring these problems into public view and are trying to maintain the status of good and peaceful relations.

Case from practice. The young man tried in vain to build relationships with girls. Each time, frequent quarrels and irreconcilable conflicts became the cause of separation. He began to visit a psychologist and after some time reported that he had found the only one who did not throw him hysterics, was not jealous over trifles, and did not make impossible demands. The happiness did not last long: after a year and a half, he found out that all this time she had been cheating on him, and was living with him because of the apartment in which they lived together. And she didn’t make any complaints for one single reason: she didn’t love him, and she didn’t care where he was, with whom and why he didn’t compliment her.

Myth 2. Quarrels strengthen relationships.

Yes, there are arguments in psychology that support this:

after them, the soul becomes calmer, because grievances are expressed;
they show that both partners are imperfect;
this is a reason to think about the adequacy and reality of your desires and claims;
prevention of egocentrism: it is in quarrels that people understand that the other person also has the right to defend their interests;
both know what their other half thinks and feels.

Despite all the arguments, quarrels do not always strengthen the union of two hearts. If they occur once a month and their cause is not in over-salted borscht, but in serious situations, they can be beneficial. An adrenaline rush, expressing your point of view, listening to your partner, resolving a problem - all this is necessary for building good relationships. But, if violent scandals with shouts throughout the house occur almost every day, and the reason for them is a sidelong glance to the side or a five-minute delay at work, they do not bring anything good about themselves.

Understand for yourself that a quarrel is not a quarrel. If partners can restrain their emotions and are focused on maintaining the relationship, they will carry a rational and useful grain within them. If scandals are accompanied by screaming, hysteria, and fights, this often becomes the cause of breakups.

Ways to turn a scandal into a constructive dialogue

A quarrel between a man and a woman causes a storm of emotions - anger, resentment, disappointment. In the wake of these feelings, hasty conclusions are made. You shouldn't break up right away. Any conflict can be turned into a peaceful dialogue, turned into a joke and saved relationships:

The first step is to identify the source of the conflict. If the reason is purely emotional (stress at work, conflicts with family), it will not be difficult to make peace.
The next stage is dialogue. It is worth sharing your experiences with your partner during a quarrel and after it, and listening to him. Hatred, fear, disappointment - feelings frankly called by their proper names will help the couple identify problems and come to a joint solution.
After the conversation, trust is established. Excessive control and suspicion should be left in the past. Adequate personal space and respect for each other's interests are important aspects of a healthy marriage.
Responsibility. The ability to be responsible for your words and admit mistakes is useful not only in love, but also in other types of relationships between people.

No matter whose fault the partners quarreled, the first step towards reconciliation is always taken by one person. You should not expect initiative from a man. You need to act on your own if this relationship has value.

Stumbling blocks

If your goal is to get rid of quarrels in your relationship, you need to sit down and discuss with your partner what most often causes them. According to psychologists, they are the same in every couple:

jealousy, lack of attention, cheating, flirting, lack of romance;
different characters, temperaments, lifestyles, views, political beliefs, social statuses, interests;
issues of raising children, relationships with parents;
household, financial, housing problems;
addictions: alcohol, drugs, gaming;
dissatisfaction in bed.

Once the main stumbling blocks have been identified, try to figure out their size.

There are major ones on which the future fate of the couple depends. For example, whether to forgive a partner after cheating. In this case, you need to sit down for a serious and constructive dialogue, during which three questions are calmly discussed:

What does the partner want?
What do you want?
How to combine these desires?

If you cannot reach a consensus on your own, psychologists will help you resolve the conflict peacefully and stop quarrels.

There are smaller stones that are just as exhausting as the larger ones. These are trifles like who doesn’t turn off the light in the toilet in the evening or why he said hello to some girl on the street. If such clashes occur frequently and result in major scandals, you need to sit down and outline the rights and responsibilities in the relationship. It’s even funny: before going to bed, I check that the lights are turned off everywhere, and you, in turn, don’t look at other girls. Believe me, this seems absurd only from the outside. In fact, when everything is written down, there will be fewer conflicts.

8 common causes of family quarrels and detailed instructions on what to do. About this - follow the link.

“Where will we go for the holidays: yours or mine?”

None of the partners wants to break the traditions of their family, but sooner or later they will have to make a choice.

“Couples often feel guilty and pressured by their families to lobby them for New Years or vacations,” says Becky Whetstone. “But remember: you created your own family, and its interests are now much more important than what your relatives want.” If neither you nor your partner want to miss a family event, you can alternate trips to see loved ones or flip a coin each time. Or you can stay at home and create your own family traditions.”

Behavior during a quarrel

It is impossible to predict everything. Even if you have resolved the main causes of quarrels, no one is immune from unforeseen circumstances. If a scandal does break out, try to behave correctly:

do not Cry;
don't let go of your hands;
do not insult your partner, do not remember the past;
do not ignore his words, do not interrupt;
do not throw things, do not break dishes;
do not involve a third party in the conflict;
Don’t blackmail with phrases like “I’m leaving,” “I’m filing for divorce.”

If the situation gets out of control, you need to calmly but firmly say that you do not intend to tolerate it any longer and resume the conversation only after the storm has subsided. The second scenario is to approach your loved one, hug and ask for forgiveness.

It also happens that it is incredibly difficult to restrain yourself. Especially when an endless stream of insults and reproaches are thrown at you. In order not to sink to the same level and not to break down when your nerves are already at the limit, it is better to break the plate.

Some more tips from psychologists on how to behave during a quarrel with a loved one:

look into his eyes, do not lose eye contact;
say “we” instead of “I” or “you”;
ask questions about what he/she feels, wants;
listen to the end;
try to catch the rhythm of his breathing and breathe in unison with him - this way you can calm him down, subordinating him to your more measured rhythm.

The wiser you behave during conflicts, the smoother they will flow and the faster they will end. This will help maintain a healthy relationship and avoid separation.

Case from practice. She is a doctor. He is a person who has suffered from high blood pressure since childhood. They quarreled often. Since during the experience of strong negative emotions, stress hormones are released in the body, his blood pressure jumped, he began to feel dizzy, and he felt ill. She, seeing him in this state, tried to stop the scandals, but he did not let up. In the end, she found a way to cool him down at such moments, literally and figuratively: she soaked a towel in cold water and made compresses on his forehead and wrists. The quarrel ended within 5 minutes.

Listen and accept your partner

Strong relationships are built on reciprocity. If you want a man to accept you, your desires and take into account your opinion, it is important to be able to listen to his position.

Each person has his own life experience, he was brought up with certain attitudes. And a man has his own expectations about the relationship and his beloved.

To learn to understand each other, you need to be able to listen to your partner. When he is dissatisfied with something, when he wants something, you should not defend yourself, make excuses or blame, but try to put yourself in his place and understand why he does this.

This is quite possible thanks to mirror neurons, which allow a person to feel what is happening to another. The main thing is to momentarily shift the focus of attention from yourself to your loved one.

Reconciliation

If a scandal has already occurred, the question always arises of how to return to the previous relationship after a quarrel. The truce will depend on how much each partner needs it. If both want it, it will be quick and non-traumatic. If only one person makes contact, he will eventually get tired of it - separation is inevitable. If both are too proud to ask for forgiveness, a breakup will occur soon.

What can you do to restart your relationship after a fight:

ask for forgiveness (if you are to blame);
calmly discuss the painful problem, find a solution and not return to it;
arrange a reconciliation dinner;
stun your partner with good news so that he forgets about the quarrel: “I’m pregnant,” “Marry me,” “I bought a chinchilla,” “I love you” (if this is the first declaration of love);
make a gift (from simple but romantic daisies to the latest iPhone model);
write an SMS or a note, record a video.

In fact, there are a huge number of ways of reconciliation. Many factors matter when choosing:

The partner’s character: some will only be reconciled after a gorgeous bouquet, while for others a compliment is enough.
Age of relationship: young people need romance with dinner on the roof, and older people can make peace over a cup of tea and bagels.
Degree of guilt: you can simply ask for forgiveness for a broken vase, but for the dented bumper of your husband’s favorite “swallow” this will clearly not be enough.
The scope of the quarrel: if it was just a heated argument, making peace can be easier and faster, and after a scandal that all the neighbors heard, it takes some time to calm down.

If you want to renew your relationship, take all these points into account. Remember that every couple is unique. What worked for Vicky and Vasya may turn out to be absolutely useless in your case. Look for the best ways, but never delay the truce. A day is the maximum for a person to come to his senses, calm down and be ready to build bridges.

Prevention

To avoid scandals, psychologists give advice on how to avoid quarrels in relationships:

communicate: talk to each other daily so that there are no unexplored spots on the map of your relationship;
spend your leisure time together: go out of town, go to the cinema, visit exhibitions, make a common circle of acquaintances - there will be no energy or time left for quarrels;
study each other, ask questions about what someone likes and vice versa - you need to do this throughout your life;
do not hesitate to show love to each other, give gifts and compliments more often;
be honest, even if the truth is unpleasant;
If a serious problem is brewing, it is better to seek help from a third party (the best option is a psychologist).

Following these recommendations requires effort and constant work on yourself. But the result will be warm, trusting relationships without disagreements and scandals. It's possible, you just have to try.

When do the first difficulties arise?

The very first crisis in a relationship, when the partners have not yet started living together, occurs 3 months after the start of meetings. Of course, this is a conditional date; a difficult period may begin earlier or later.

The main thing you need to understand is that the first difficulties are always associated with going through the candy-bouquet period . It is at this moment that both partners or one of them goes through all the stages of falling in love. The euphoria ends, and the second half seems to be a more real, less ideal person. A loved one reveals shortcomings and personality traits that do not delight you.

It is at this moment that lovers have to make a decision: are they satisfied with the person with their views on life, are they ready to move on hand in hand no matter what?