Everyone approaches first love differently: some try to forget, while others go through memories like favorite vacation photos. Authors love to romanticize first love, to make it dramatic, where every quarrel is a disaster, every movement of feelings is like a hurricane. But if you look at first love from a scientific point of view, it cannot be called overrated. The first romantic experience, like the butterfly effect, influences our subsequent relationships, choice of partners and even the creation of a family. We tell you how this love makes us who we are, and how it affects our brain.
The first test of love hormones
First love begins with falling in love, like any subsequent relationship.
A person meets his chosen one, in a matter of seconds the pupils begin to dilate, as if signaling to the brain that the body, in general, does not mind falling in love with this particular person. Just at the start of falling in love, the couple gets to know each other, spends more time together, and the “candy-bouquet period” begins with courtship and the fear of scaring off the chosen one. But this is only the tip of the iceberg, what is visible to the naked eye. But under the skin of the lovers, a real Hurricane Katrina of cellular scale is unfolding. In the first romantic relationship, a person receives his first dose of a hormonal cocktail of oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine and endorphin, which will bombard his receptors for several months. In a 2005 study, biologist-anthropologist Helen Fisher studied MRI scans of couples and found that romantic love resides in the motivation and reward system of the human brain, and it is the parts responsible for reward (and addiction) that are stimulated during the first stages of falling in love.
First love is the first to give the brain and receptors a taste of the cocktail of “happiness hormones”, and the effect of this first test can be compared to the first parachute jump - when a person is faced with a large flow of new sensations. Subsequently, in other romantic relationships, the person will be more relaxed about the bombardment of oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and endorphin, but will know what it feels like to be in love.
Ideal image
First of all, you should be aware of one thing. You once communicated with this person, and then broke up. And there was some reason why this happened. Why did it happen so? Probably, circumstances got in the way - moving, different plans for the future. Maybe for some reason you yourself interrupted communication. Or perhaps the object of desire did not want to continue. But there is only one conclusion from this situation: if a person burns with love, he always takes a thousand steps towards being together and turns the world upside down. And this thought should sober up from the surging fantasies. The peculiarity of the psychology of a lover is such that there are and cannot be any barriers for the one who loves: people destroy entire families and change cities in order to achieve reunification with their soulmate. Therefore, you need to understand that since you didn’t do everything possible, maybe you didn’t want it that much? There was a reason that held me back from reuniting with this person; my intuition probably did not deceive me. If you resume communication now, these traits will appear again. If that side did not want communication, then does it make sense to focus on one thing in order to suffer forever? A person who once left will again discover the reason why he left. In this state it will be easier to make a decision.
"After so many years? - Always".
The human brain is designed to accumulate information, so first love becomes the basis for a large folder called “Love and Relationships”, stored in our memory. Hormones and strong emotions help to better record information, even that which at first glance is not directly related. So memories of first love can be awakened by a song playing on the radio, or a randomly popped-up photograph from “The Cloud.” Memories and feelings of longing are caused by hormonal imprinting, when we closely associate a certain combination of hormones with a person or circumstances. These hormonal interactions are imprinted in the sensory areas of the brain as the neurological processes we experience shape our personality.
Jefferson Singer, a psychologist who specializes in autobiographical memory, says that most people experience a "memory surge" between the ages of 15 and 26. This phenomenon occurs during a time when we experience all kinds of first impressions (driving a car, sex, falling in love, etc.). Later in life, these memories tend to be more powerful because they occurred when our memory was at its peak.
This idea is supported by cognitive scientists at MIT, who explain that overall brain performance and detailed memory peak for our brains around age 18.
First love also affects us psychologically. According to Dr. Neelu Dardashti, a marriage and family therapist in New York City, the feelings we experience with our first love become the blueprint for how we approach future relationships. In fact, just as our perceptions of platonic and familial love are shaped by our parents or caregivers in childhood, our perceptions of romantic love are influenced by how we experience it for the first time.
It largely depends on us how, after first love, our views on relationships and preferences in choosing partners will change. One thing is for sure: your first love will stay with you forever, one way or another.
How to recognize love at first sight?
Love at first sight can occur in a fifth of a second, and this speed of inspiring feeling is due to hormonal release and is not a rare occurrence. There are several reasons for the existence of such a mechanism, and the first of them is genetic, based on the fact that for the appearance of healthy offspring a certain genetic compatibility is needed, which is calculated in these few moments, and accordingly, the stronger the sympathy, the better the genetic match for the continuation of a strong and enduring life. sort of possible. Analysis of physical and intellectual capabilities is useless here; everything happens at the level of smell and pheromones. Another reason for the emergence of quick love is the similarity of the faces of the lovers (the person seems familiar in advance, which inspires trust) and the goodwill of the mood, the interest of the object of love in the other. By approximately the same principle, it is likely to quickly fall in love with someone similar to your parents, even if only in a few features.
So it’s worth taking a closer look at your chosen one with a cool head and looking to see if you have anything in common besides a successful combination of chromosomes. Assess the degree of similarity between your level of education, life, and cultural preferences, because it may turn out that you will have nothing but great sex to share due to an insurmountable cultural gap. Decide what kind of relationship you expect, and if it is something light and short-lived, then physical attraction will be enough; if you are looking for a serious romance, then you will have to take a closer look.
Love at first sight has its own advantages, such as the absence of searching for a partner, comparisons, disappointments and long grinding. This is where negative aspects can lie in wait, because if you rush and don’t get to know the person better, the likelihood of divorce increases. Such little things as everyday life and habits, religious and political views seem unimportant only in the wake of an emotional upsurge, which will certainly subside and it would be good at this moment to be in the same apartment with a person who shares your goals and principles.
Love at first sight requires endurance and the ability to keep your emotions under control. You shouldn’t rush and overwhelm the object of your feelings with confessions, even absolutely sincerely; such behavior is alarming and makes you think about frivolity.
It happens that love at first sight and its rapid occurrence is due to prolonged loneliness or being among those who are not interesting or from a different circle. This state is insidious because the image of a person is invented and hung on a new acquaintance, while the real state of affairs is not possible to notice. Take a break, clarify things that are obvious to you, check whether this is the person he is or whether you just invented him that way.
"All this time"
Mickey Daughtry, Rachel Lippincott
Eksmo Publishing House, 2020
A Young Adult bestseller, in which the experience of first love is closely intertwined with the difficult, sometimes even painful experience of growing up. The main characters are full of hope for the future - Kyle's sixth anniversary of his relationship with Kim, but suddenly death comes between them. Kyle blames himself for everything until he meets Marley, who also lost a loved one. And in mutual despair, the heroes hope to find solace and love.
Express
Sometimes those who want to meet their first love are those who feel that their “gestalt was not closed.” That is, questions remained unanswered, there was no sense of completion from those episodes.
This is often felt most acutely when the relationship ended due to the influence of an external force with which the couple did not begin to fight. This could be due to parental pressure in youth, relocation, or public opinion.
On a deep subconscious level, a person identifies this story with the relationship of Romeo and Juliet, forbidden feelings. They are actively cultivated everywhere.
Lived together all our lives3
A little statistics wouldn't hurt us. It seems that the first relationship is doomed to failure in almost any case. World statistics tell us the opposite. Even if a couple separates to gain new experiences and be saturated with unexpected emotions, in two out of five situations men choose their first love as their wife.
Another question is that the number of divorces here is no less than in couples who got together at a conscious age. More often than not, guys cannot overcome enormous stress together. They move, go to universities, change. The partner is not in every case able to accept the reincarnation of the chosen one. In an instant, she can become completely different from what she was in her school years.
But there are quite a lot of examples of families that were created immediately after graduating from school or college, and then lived together throughout their entire lives. Of course, it is impossible to compare their number with the statistics of divorces and separations. But the fact remains that eternal love and friendship are very real.
There are examples even among world celebrities. We will not say that the love of actor Adriano Celentano and his beautiful wife Claudia Mori was the first, but they have been living together for more than fifty years. The family's close circle notes that family relationships are excellent. Adriano still looks lovingly at his beautiful wife.
The brilliant director Federico Fellini lived a long life with the beautiful actress, Giulietta Masina. She was always next to him during filming, and he called her his main muse. Their love can also hardly be called the first. But the fact that feelings flared up instantly is obvious - the director and actress got married just two weeks after they met.
Second chance
Sometimes, having come a long way in his life, having changed a lot during personal crises, a person wants to find some support in the past. If he wants to meet his first love, the advice of psychologists will be clear: he needs to understand why he is drawn to safe territory, where everything has already been studied instead of new unexplored distances.
Finding those feelings again regenerates a person; it may seem that a recipe for eternal youth has been found. Even those who have everything in their life already arranged can go in search of them. It would seem that everything is there: why look for first love? For the fountain of youth!
Try to make concessions
How can you best characterize adolescence? That's right, with a worldview, as if you know everything in the world better than anyone else. However, every adult understands that sometimes you need to make concessions. Even if your partner is wrong, it is important to do this. Such actions strengthen trust between people and also help to find compromise in the future.
But what happens if both young men defend their position to the end? As a rule, mutual distrust will arise first: “If he goes against me in an argument, then soon I will have to learn what betrayal is.” However, simply taking the side of your lover is enough for the relationship between people to noticeably strengthen.
Female aspiration
Often, female representatives strive to meet that guy from the past, experiencing a craving to get away from the daily routine, where, within the framework of the traditional roles of wife and mother, they become too bored and cramped.
They go into dreams of those relationships where there were no burdensome obligations, and everything was light and airy, like porous chocolate.
Any person likes to feel that there is that support in life to which he can always return. But if he is always mentally in the past, living in memories, then this is direct evidence that he is afraid of the present and the future. He is trying to escape reality into his illusions.
Don't make your partner jealous
One of the main mistakes that most first-time couples make is that they try to “test” their partner's feelings by starting to communicate with another member of the opposite sex. Perhaps making your lover jealous is a good idea to rekindle the fire of feelings. However, this approach only works for adult couples.
How do such games usually end in adolescence? As a rule, the “experimental” begins to suspect his passion for a dissolute life, as a result of which he leaves her. And such a decision is difficult to challenge, because there is every reason to doubt the partner’s fidelity. Therefore, we strongly discourage our young readers from playing with the feelings of their loved ones.
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Show more feelings
Well, one last piece of advice that can be given to people who want to build relationships in their teenage years. As a rule, most teenagers try to find a life partner just to feel loved. However, if a person does not show enough feelings, then this may lead to the idea that they simply do not exist. Therefore, even if it’s unusual for you to talk about love or walk holding hands, it’s worth overcoming your complexes in order to avoid parting with your soulmate.
We hope you now better understand why first love is the strongest. Moreover, we also wholeheartedly believe that these tips will help you build a strong relationship with your significant other and live happily for many years to come. If you feel that this person is destined for you, be sure to hold on to him. Otherwise, you will have to “sort through” partners for a long time in search of someone who is at least a little like your first love.
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Apologize often
This advice may seem rather trivial, but it really works (especially in relationships between teenagers). And we’re not just talking about apologizing for betrayal or losing your temper with your significant other. We also strongly encourage our readers to ask for forgiveness from their partner even for minor infractions (stepping on someone's foot, forgetting to write "good morning" or saying "bless you" after your significant other sneezed).
Why is an apology for such little things necessary? The thing is that if the partner does not ask for forgiveness, then his significant other may begin to think that his feelings for her are beginning to gradually fade away. These are adults who can understand each other well without words. However, in their youth, teenagers often quarrel on the following topic: “I didn’t even apologize, which means I don’t mean anything to you.” Therefore, the best option would be to simply develop the habit of apologizing.
