Love is impossible without preserving and maintaining a strong connection with each other, so long-distance relationships can hardly be called a simple situation. Some people believe that being with a person, but not being able to see him often, is a completely useless activity, and these people may be right in their own way. However, not all relationships in which partners find themselves in different cities or countries are doomed to failure: in fact, separation can be survived if you really want it. We’ll figure out what long-distance relationships mean, what their pros and cons are, and we’ll tell you how to keep in touch if you do have to be separated for a long time.
What is LDR
The term long-distance relationship
, or
LDR
, which is commonly used in English to describe long-distance relationships, has a fairly vague definition. Literally everyone falls under it: from couples who live in the same city, but prefer to live their lives separately from each other, to people who met on the Internet and have not yet had the opportunity to meet. For example, in the US alone, about 14 million couples claim to be in LDR, of which 3.75% are those who are officially married, and 32.5% of those surveyed are university and college students.
Despite the very vague definition of long-distance relationships, they usually still imply that the partners are not able (or do not want) to meet regularly and usually do not see each other for a long period of time. The most popular case is, of course, when people live in different cities and cannot see each other all the time, or situations when one of the partners is forced to leave for work, study or any other reason for a long period of time.
Find the right time to end the relationship
It would be very rude of you to break up at a distance without waiting for the right moment. For example, you can ruin the holiday if you break up during Christmas week, or before another significant event. Wait a week or two if you don't think now is the time to break someone's heart with bad news. This is the least you can do out of respect for all the wonderful memories of your relationship.
Pros and cons of long distance relationships
Relationship expert Susan Winter says, “Human beings are designed to seek, strive, and find.”
, - and this is perhaps the key problem of absolutely any long-distance relationship. Willy-nilly, we adapt to the absence of a partner and move forward, live our own lives and develop independently of each other, and in some cases even find new connections. As a result, many couples break up much faster than if they maintained regular real communication. One study found that the average length of a long-distance relationship is 3 years versus 7.3 years for a “regular” relationship.
However, partners do not always look for someone on the side, and certainly not every relationship ends in separation. After all, despite the obvious disadvantages, there are also advantages in such relationships that you can take advantage of while you are separated from your partner.
The challenges of being in a long-distance relationship seem to outweigh any possible benefits, leading one to conclude that the relationship isn't worth it. But, of course, the final decision always lies with the partners, and in fact, you can survive even the most difficult separation if you sincerely want it and are ready to try for each other.
In addition, one study showed that couples who live far away from each other do not differ so much in their level of happiness from those who have the opportunity to regularly see their partners. On the contrary, they value their soulmate even more. “When something doesn’t seem new to us, we pay less attention to it.”
, says clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow. In his opinion, constantly being close to a partner is somewhat reminiscent of regularly eating your favorite food: after a while you even get tired of it, it ceases to seem so tasty and unique compared to all other dishes. The same thing happens with your significant other: you just get used to your partner and stop paying so much attention to why you love him.
“When we are separated from someone, all the qualities of a person, such as appearance, smell or conversation, gain their value again,
says Klapow.
“ So being able to separate for a while is essentially a reminder of why we love our partner.” And it’s difficult to understand without separation.”
Write a long emotional letter as a continuation of your call
The next step to breaking up long distance is to pour out your feelings and emotions after the conversation and explain why you took this step. Here are a few things you should keep in mind when writing your letter.
- Explain that you both have been unable to find answers to the problems in your relationship;
- Write what really bothered you;
- Explain that this was one of the most difficult decisions of your life;
- Tell your partner that you will always cherish the memories of your relationship;
- Be direct and choose your words carefully. Keep your sentences short so as not to leave room for misunderstandings. Conclude the letter by clearly stating that your decision to terminate is final.
What happens to the brain when we don't see our partner?
When you are together for a long time, or at least have the opportunity to see each other regularly, you quietly get used to what the relationship gives you. For example, during sex, dopamine and serotonin are released, which affect mood and the general condition of the body. A certain release of happiness hormones also occurs simply in the process of communicating with the person you love - for example, when you talk, watch a movie together, or do an activity that you both enjoy.
But when you are apart, the opportunities for obtaining the missing hormones become much smaller - after all, you must admit, communicating via video or correspondence is completely different from seeing your partner in person. Carla Marie Manley, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, says that not being able to spend time with your significant other deprives a person of the positive effects that a combination of the hormones phenylethylamine, oxytocin and dopamine have on the body. “This can lead to feelings of loneliness, depression and a desire to reconnect.”
, explains Manley.
Also, according to the psychologist, the hormone oxytocin plays an important role in relationships, which is responsible for a feeling of stability and confidence in your partner. It is he who reminds you of why you fell in love with this particular person. But here's the problem: the most effective way to feel the full rush of this hormone is through sex. In a long-distance relationship, renewing intimacy is not so easy, which increases the level of stress, and with it comes an unstable emotional state and even aggression, which, by the way, can be directed at the partner.
A study conducted by Adler University in Chicago found that long-distance couples felt more stress, both in relation to each other and in relation to the outside world. The authors suggested that this condition may be due to a lack of physical contact. They confirm that hugging, kissing, stroking or any other way of showing your love physically helps build trust, a sense of stability and calm.
If you understand how your body, or rather your brain, reacts to a long-term absence of a partner, it will be easier for you to control impulsive reactions and not behave aggressively towards your significant other. Because with a high probability, anger, anger or any other negative emotion is a manifestation of the fact that you are actually just sad, lonely and you rightfully miss a loved one.
How to move on to intimate conversations in correspondence
- Start with daring games:
— to undress with the camera on or with sending a photo;
- guess the body part;
- guess what I'm thinking about.
- Ask frank questions to the girl casually or in an appropriate setting in the evening.
- Send a dirty article or interesting news and discuss your impressions, find out her opinion.
- Watch movies with 18+ scenes. And since you watch them while talking, you can add comments or after the film tell how you would do the same with her.
- Find out how she likes to be caressed. Rough? Gently? Where? In the dark or in the light?
- Send exciting SMS to the girl.
- Ask if she would like to try sex on Skype (webcam), over the phone, sexting?
I'll probably stop there for now. Finally, I’ll give you one more important piece of advice:
What to do if you find yourself at a distance
Don't give up on relationships
The first time of separation will feel especially painful, since you have already become accustomed to your partner, and everything around will remind you of his absence. During this period, it is especially important not to make emotional decisions: as long as your world is painted in black tones, the future will seem unrealistic and meaningless. However, after a few weeks, you will be able to adapt to the new conditions and the separation will not seem so difficult.
Find common goals
Long-distance relationships are much easier to survive if you know why you are doing it. For example, if you are forced to separate due to school or a long business trip, agree on the timing in advance. Study and work do not last forever, and it is certainly possible to indicate in advance the approximate time of a future meeting. If your partner has left, for example, to another country or city forever, then think about whether you are ready to move in with him. If so, make it a goal to do it as soon as the opportunity arises: then the anticipation of the reunion will help you get through the difficult period.
Come up with a joint activity
Agree that you will spend time together, not just calling each other, but also involving each other in various activities. Watch movies together, play games, read books and then discuss them, cook via video call - there are many options for how to spend time together at a distance. It is important here to proceed from your desires and hobbies, otherwise this arrangement will cease to be desirable and turn into a boring routine.
Be honest with each other
When you can’t see your partner, it’s not always possible to guess what mood he’s in and what’s troubling him. Therefore, if you are concerned about something, discuss any concerns openly. Accumulated emotions that have not found their expression will eventually result in an unpleasant conflict, and at a distance a quarrel is even more difficult to resolve than in real life.
Maintain physical intimacy
Modern technologies provide many opportunities to satisfy each other's physical needs while at a distance: from sexting and sharing erotic videos and photos to remote toys that can be controlled from anywhere. Even if you were previously skeptical about this activity and stuck exclusively to traditional sex, it would be a good idea to reconsider your views: this way you will have a better chance of maintaining passion and intimacy even in a long-distance relationship.
Voice your problems and try to find a solution
It is unfair of you if you break up with your partner without expressing your concerns about your relationship. Let your girlfriend or boyfriend know what's bothering you. In addition, think together if there is a solution to these problems. Perhaps things can still be fixed and you can feel love again and be together.
For example, if you think your boyfriend doesn't love you anymore, then say how you feel. Wait a few days or even weeks to give him a chance to express himself. For the sake of your relationship, you owe it to your partner to make amends.
Long distance love stories of famous people
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov met Olga Knipper in 1898, shortly before the premiere of the play “Tsar Fyodor Ioannovich,” in which the actress received the main role. However, due to actively developing tuberculosis, Chekhov was forced to leave for Yalta, where he remained forever. They got married in 1901, but continued to live in different cities, since Chekhov did not want to return to Moscow, and Knipper refused to give up her theatrical career. Some say that sometimes she still wanted to move, but Anton Pavlovich insisted that she continue to do what she loved. As a result, their relationship lasted six years until Chekhov's death, consisting of more than 400 letters and only a few real meetings.
Denis Diderot, the French educator and philosopher, and his lover Sophie Volant were in a long-distance relationship for 13 years. Their love flared up at one of the dinner parties, and a harmless exchange of notes grew into deep love. Throughout this time, Diderot wrote more than 500 letters to his lady love, 187 of which have survived to this day.
For two years before the wedding, Otto Bismarck and his wife Johanna von Puttkamer conducted a long correspondence, in which Bismarck confessed his feelings and spoke extremely affectionately about his beloved. Since his military career was just beginning to gain momentum, he could not give up everything for Johanna, but in 1847 they finally got married. Later in their life together, meetings and long separations alternated, but even after 40 years, the German chancellor addressed his wife in letters only as “beloved.”
Honore de Balzac and his only wife Evelina Ganskaya corresponded for 18 years before they finally got married. In 1832, Evelina, without revealing her name, entered into correspondence with the writer while she was married. In 1842, her husband Vaclav Gansky died, but the widowed wife still did not seek to marry Balzac, because she wanted to pass on her husband’s inheritance to her only daughter. The couple managed to get married only in 1850 - however, their happiness was short-lived, since Balzac died five months later, but his wife remained by his side until the very last day.
Don't communicate on the Internet
Breaking up this relationship doesn't end with just stopping the phone calls, text messages, and emails. You should also take care to stop communicating with your ex on Facebook, VKontakte and other social networks. Remove him/her from your friends list and clean up your photos together. Even a small mistake can send mixed signals to your ex. For example, you see a cute love quote on your Facebook feed and you immediately click “Like” without even noticing that it was actually your ex-partner who posted it. This could be a catastrophic mistake. Because it will make him/her think that you have changed your mind. Therefore, be sure to cut off all contacts. Including on social networks.
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about the author
Julia
Want to know how to achieve your life goal? This blog will help you learn how to apply psychology to your relationships, health and well-being. My goal is to teach my readers how to maximize their effectiveness in life.
We gave each other personal space, even when we were thousands of kilometers away.
In any relationship, you are always working to be closer, but that doesn't mean you have to control each other's every move. Your partner will have friends you don't know, and that's okay. He will go to bars, watch movies and do much more without you. And this is also normal, you need to do the same, so as not to turn your personal time into flour, but to start enjoying it.
