The breakdown of a marriage is, first of all, stress, so depression after divorce is by no means uncommon today. Women are more often susceptible to the described phenomenon. The severance of Hymen's bonds is always fraught with emotional distress, even if it occurred as a result of a mutual agreement. Depression after divorce is a reaction to loss - the loss of a close, familiar way of being, some contacts, communications, comfort, the collapse of expectations. The reason for its occurrence lies in the sudden transformation of life principles.
How to survive a divorce from your husband
Today we will talk about how to survive a divorce.
Divorce is the official termination (dissolution) of a valid marriage between living spouses.
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Divorce from her husband becomes a difficult ordeal in the life of any woman. Especially if it happened on the initiative of a man. But, if a divorce has already occurred, then you need to get over it somehow, because life doesn’t end after that.
Psychologists identify 5 stages that a woman will have to go through after a divorce. And each woman will need her own amount of time to overcome them. This largely depends on the duration of the marriage and the relationship within the marriage.
Shock
The first and most difficult stage is shock and complete denial of the current situation. The woman is in a state of shock and cannot control her emotions. In this state, everything can be aggravated to dire consequences.
After the shock passes, the woman calms down a little and begins a period of denial. It seems to her that everything that is happening is unreal, and she behaves inappropriately.
Resentment and anger
This stage is also serious, and you will also have to go through it. Bouts of anger develop into anger. I remember all the negative moments in my relationship with my husband. It’s as if the woman’s eyes are opened to his actions, to which she had not previously paid attention. She is tormented by a feeling of resentment, she blames herself for the lost time with this person. And all this can end in depression.
Blaming yourself
When the guilt and anger pass, the woman begins to blame herself for what happened. She has a desire to fix everything, meet her ex-husband, call and talk to him. And this, with a high probability, will end in another quarrel.
Depression
After everything we have experienced, we come to the realization that everything is over and the past cannot be returned. And the woman suffers even more from this. There are only memories left of the family. The husband lives his own life, in which there is no place for her. And it’s very painful, but you have to accept it.
Depression affects everyone differently. Some people cannot do without the help of specialists. For some, if the condition is not very serious, the attention of family and friends will help.
Accepting reality
After going through all the stages, the woman finally begins to perceive reality. Feelings and thoughts come into order. She begins to understand that everything really happened and she needs to continue living and think about the future. Everything remained in the past, and the doors to a new and happy life opened before her.
Tips on how to deal with strong emotions
1. Pay attention to your psychological state Did you know that on the stress scale, divorce comes in second place after the death of a spouse? Even superheroes have their weaknesses, and you're human, so it's completely normal to feel bad after a breakup.
Here are some symptoms of post-divorce depression:
- Gloomy mood for a long period;
- Lack of interest in any activities;
- Eating disorders (eating more or less food than usual);
- Sudden weight loss or weight gain;
- Insomnia or excessive sleeping;
- Lack of energy, fatigue;
- Problems with anxiety and poor concentration on daily tasks.
If you are seriously affected by the above symptoms, seek professional help immediately!
Please note that some symptoms of depression may be similar to those of PTSD, but there is no shame in that. It is better to contact a specialist who will prescribe treatment in your specific case.
2. Don’t skip grief The grief cycle is divided into the following phases:
- Negation
- Anger
- Bargain
- Depression
- Adoption
So, acknowledge your loss and take some time to grieve and deal with all your feelings that come with it. It is very important to allocate as much time as possible to this process. Remember that the death of something in one means new life in another. Although it may be difficult now to accept it or even imagine something new in your life, but you just believe that it will happen soon and you will definitely find your happiness after divorce.
3. Use techniques Try mindfulness meditation and other techniques to help you calm down. Even if the world around you seems unfriendly and you find it really difficult to control your emotions right now, it will be worth it.
Try mindful walking. This kind of physical activity is the best mindfulness technique to start with because it is relatively simple. Mindful walking involves paying attention to every little detail along your path. Carefully observing your surroundings will bring you into the present moment and make you feel significantly better, both physically and mentally.
4. Temporarily disconnect from social media During difficult times, it can be detrimental to disconnect from supportive friends and family, but this rule does not apply to social media. First of all, constantly checking your ex-wife's Facebook and Instagram is not good for you because you might see something that will break your heart even more, like seeing a photo of her with a new man.
So do yourself a favor - either unfollow her page for a while (this can be done without deleting her from your friends list) or don't check your social media accounts until you feel the desire and strength to face reality.
5. Reconnect with your favorite hobbies and people Going through divorce is a difficult time. It's like recovering from a serious illness, so treat yourself as such. Now you need to take a lot of self-care to improve your well-being.
Start your busy week with a boxing lesson, go fishing on the weekends, play a musical instrument, or join any community of interests.
Creating new friendships will help you move beyond your “past life” where everyone knew you as a married person. Now let's be clear - you don't have to ditch your old friends forever, but you do need new connections to avoid social isolation and help you move on in life.
6. Learn to Forgive The idea of forgiving your ex-spouse may be difficult to accept at first, but the time will come when you will want to do it consciously. A person who cannot or does not want to get rid of resentment may find himself very unhappy.
You shouldn’t force yourself to forgive, it’s simply impossible. However, you will notice a period when the wave of your anger and resentment begins to subside. Once you feel less resentful, it means you are ready for forgiveness, which is the final phase of recovery from divorce. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, including you and your ex-wife, so learn to forgive yourself and other people.
How to help your child cope with their parents' divorce
When parents divorce, children do not understand why mom and dad can no longer live together. It is difficult for parents in this situation, but the child should not choose who is more important to him - mom or dad. It is very important that the child feels that he is still loved, and that his parents' attitude towards him has not changed, despite the fact that they are getting a divorce.
It is necessary to convey to him that he will continue to see his dad, that his dad loves him as before. It is necessary to treat the child’s feelings with understanding, to support him in difficult times, so that he does not go into his own feelings and become isolated. He needs to know that he is not alone.
Relatives should under no circumstances speak negatively about the parents in front of the child and impose their opinion on him.
You need to try to maintain a good relationship with your ex-husband, no matter how difficult it may be. Then it will be easier for the child to survive the divorce of his parents.
Relationship status
Clearly, if you are getting a divorce, your relationship was less than ideal. However, the speed of recovery after divorce is influenced by the actual state of your relationship. That is, if between you and your ex-husband or wife there were not only negative moments, but also prosperous periods, or if you were truly happy in your marriage and do not know what exactly led to the divorce, it will be much more difficult to accept it. However, if your relationship was terrible and your husband or wife treated you badly, such as betraying you, you may find that you can easily get over the divorce and move on with your life.
How can a woman survive a divorce at 40?
If a divorce occurs in the life of a woman over 40 after many years of marriage, it seems that nothing good lies ahead. But this is not so, in fact, life is just beginning.
Of course, at first it will be unusual to sleep alone, eat, watch TV, cook for yourself, or come to an empty apartment. But, after some time, you can find a lot of advantages in this situation.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start a new life. Take care of yourself, change your hairstyle, change your life attitudes, update your wardrobe, change the furniture. Find something you like, do something you couldn’t afford during your family life. Look for the positives in the current situation - for example, now you can watch what you like on TV, and not adapt to other people’s interests. You don’t have to cook dinner and don’t have to see your ex-husband’s sour face.
Get rid of complexes, forget about your shortcomings. Consider that you don’t have them, there are only advantages, some of them just need to be adjusted a little.
Make it a rule not to discuss your personal life with anyone - it is no one’s business. Usually the many sympathizers are not sincere. They are simply tormented by curiosity and the desire to “rummage through someone else’s underwear.” It will become much easier for you when you stop answering their questions and kick them off.
You have time for self-development, to fulfill your dreams. Smile more often, surround yourself with positive people so that every day brings you joy.
If you want to speak out, but there is no one, start your own blog and tell your stories, but under fictitious names. You will have the opportunity to get rid of negativity and communicate with people through comments.
Don't forget that you are a woman. And know that sooner or later you will still meet the one who will appreciate you.
Psychological assistance during divorce
Going through a divorce can be extremely draining, especially if you are trying to deal with it on your own. Instead, you should seek professional help to cope with the trauma of divorce in healthy ways.
A psychologist or therapist can help you before, during, or after your divorce. If you do not have the time or opportunity to personally seek help, in our center you can get an online consultation with a qualified family psychologist .
Read more in the article “Help from a psychologist during divorce” (types of help, advice to former spouses, parents and children in a situation of divorce).
Ph.D., family psychologist Nadezhda Miroslavovna Baltsiy
How to survive divorce after 50
Why do people decide to divorce after many years of marriage, even after 50? Most often, the initiators are men, but it happens that women also file for divorce, and the main reasons are: the husband’s alcohol addiction or the husband has been a tyrant all his life, and the woman is tired of him.
Going through a divorce at this age is not easy. Women consider themselves no longer young and not very attractive, they are afraid that their children will not support them. But the children already have their own families, and they probably won’t mind their mother finally becoming happy.
A woman will have to realize that life does not end with a divorce. At this age, she is still quite attractive and active, and you shouldn’t give up on yourself.
Of course, it is unlikely that you will be able to go through a divorce painlessly. How to reduce the depth of experiences and quickly adapt to a new life?
Don't keep negative emotions inside, throw them out. If you want to cry, cry. Break the dishes if it makes you feel better. After this you will feel devastated and calm. Take a shower, as if washing away all the negativity. This is an effective psychological technique in the fight against stress.
Take a walk in a quiet place - a park, a forest belt, near a river. Remember that in this case, alcohol will not help; on the contrary, it will only worsen the situation.
Don't look for reasons for the breakup, don't dwell on negative thoughts. You need to distance yourself from reality, experience the pain. Try not to be interested in your husband’s new life, don’t think “how is he doing,” “is he okay without me?” Accept your current situation with dignity, no matter how painful it may be.
When the pain of loss has dulled, try to find the positives in the new life situation. You are free, and this is a good reason to feel like a woman. Immerse yourself in your interests, take care of yourself, make new acquaintances. This way, you will not only be able to survive the divorce, but will also begin to enjoy your new life.
How to survive a divorce when you're still in love
Nature has arranged it so that people fall in love, create families, and have children. And she invested in people the ability to recover from severe shocks and experience emotions again. Of course, if they themselves want it.
After breaking up with your loved one, remember that the pain will pass over time. The wound will heal, just try not to disturb it, do not humiliate yourself and do not torment yourself with doubts. If your loved one still wants to return, he will return on his own, without your persuasion.
If you want to cry, cry, but not for long. Don't forget that you are a woman. Allow yourself to think that you can still love another man. You can recover from divorce, and this will definitely happen.
How long does depression last?
The answer to the question of how long depression lasts after divorce in women and men depends on various factors. The severity and duration of each of the above stages may vary depending on the reason for separation, the age of the spouses, the presence or absence of children, and financial security.
An important role in successfully overcoming the post-divorce period is played by the support of loved ones and friends. As a rule, the crisis period lasts no more than 2 years, although under favorable circumstances it can pass in just a few months.
How to survive depression after divorce
Just recently you were together, and now you are deciding to get a divorce. The question of how to get out of depression arises especially acutely for the spouse for whom this decision came as a surprise.
How to cope with depression if life has lost its meaning?
Do not limit yourself in communicating with loved ones, do not avoid people. Communication with friends will help you, at least for a while, take your mind off difficult thoughts and more adequately assess the situation. If you previously devoted a lot of time to arranging your family life, now you can devote it to friends with similar interests.
To distract yourself from negative emotions, exercise yourself. In addition, they will help you get in shape and maintain a good appearance.
During depression, people are depressed and have no desire to take care of themselves. But following basic hygiene rules will increase your self-esteem and help you recover faster.
For normal functioning of the body and strengthening the nervous system, it is necessary to eat well. The beneficial substances contained in the products will help improve your emotional state and quickly get rid of depression after a divorce.
Stages of the post-divorce period
You need to know that depression after divorce in men and women occurs in approximately the same way. Psychologists identify 5 stages that absolutely every person inevitably has to go through after a breakup. Understanding the processes occurring in the soul helps to survive the post-divorce period easier. If a person knows that the negative emotions he is currently experiencing are absolutely normal, then it will be easier for him to realize that this state will not last forever and will soon pass.
- Denial - occurs due to the fact that the body is trying to protect itself from severe mental shock. At this stage, a person seeks to devalue the broken relationship, complains to others about the shortcomings of his ex-spouse, and tries to give a rational explanation for the fact of divorce.
- Bitterness - following the stage of denial, an embittered state arises. Resentment towards a former partner manifests itself as aggression towards his personality. If former spouses have to communicate during this period, then any communication ends in quarrels and mutual accusations.
- An attempt at application - when strong emotions, aggression and resentment pass, a desire appears to restore the relationship. This period is considered one of the most difficult, since in most cases the desire for reconciliation arises only in one of the partners.
- Depression - at this stage there is a clear awareness of what happened. A person understands that a broken relationship cannot be restored. He is overcome by a feeling of despair, fear for his fate and the lives of his children. Depression after a divorce can be especially acute for a woman who is on maternity leave and cannot work to provide a decent life for herself and her baby. If the divorce was initiated by a wife who was tired of her husband’s constant drunken brawls, then depression in a man is manifested by an awareness of his own worthlessness, guilt and helplessness. The duration of depression can depend on various factors; this indicator is individual for each person. It is when depression drags on for too long that it is necessary to take measures to combat this dangerous condition for emotional health.
- Adaptation - after a period of depression, the understanding always comes that life goes on despite broken relationships, and you need to start adapting to new conditions.
