Divorce for a woman who dotes on her beloved husband becomes a disaster. Often, representatives of the fair sex cannot start life anew. And when divorcing her husband, in this case, a woman needs a psychologist or qualified psychological help.
As a rule, only the lady herself can overcome the consequences in such a situation. Your loved ones won't be much help here. But the psychologist’s advice on how to survive a divorce from your husband helps restore peace of mind. They are based on consistent actions that help you understand, accept the situation, and finally let it go. And this is exactly what is needed in the case of a severe psychological condition.
To accept, you must first understand. So why do people get divorced?
The essence of consulting a family psychologist
The purpose of family psychological counseling is to solve problems in family relationships.
In particular, family psychologists (having received higher professional education and sufficient qualifications) can teach you how to communicate effectively with your spouse without leading to conflicts, and how to strengthen your conflict resolution skills so that minor disagreements do not develop into catastrophic disputes. Ultimately, the main goal of family counseling is to help identify the cause of the problem that has arisen in the relationship, including (but not limited to): infidelity and jealousy, addiction, loss of intimacy, frequent quarrels and conflicts, problems in raising children.
In a situation where a family is on the verge of divorce, the help of a psychologist is based on clear pre- and post-divorce counseling strategies that can help you successfully navigate this process.
A woman's life after the end of a marriage
Psychologists advise not to despair if a breakup does occur. What to do and how to live further after a divorce? It is better to analyze the circumstances and then try to accept everything as a fact that happened. If you think about the past every hour, then who will live here and now? But there is still a bright future ahead!
In no case do you perceive children as a burden in your experiences after a divorce, otherwise you will become depressed and raise your children incorrectly. A child is someone worth waking up for every day. If problems arise, seek support from family, friends or qualified mental health professionals. Don’t avoid communicating with men, because relationships are part of life’s journey.
Why contact a divorce psychologist?
Marriage and divorce are two of the most important events in a person’s life. The main difference between the two is that divorce can be extremely painful for everyone involved and often negatively affects the health and subsequent lives of the ex-husband and wife and their children.
If we talk about statistical data, in Russia almost 50% of marriages end in divorce, and a third of all divorces occur during the first five years of marriage. Often, divorce, no matter how peaceful it may be, is a very stressful event that changes the subsequent lives of its participants. The volume of legal, emotional, financial and everyday problems that need to be resolved can be overwhelming and overwhelming. Additionally, the idea of creating a completely new life can seem daunting and paralyzing.
A divorce therapist can guide your ex-husband or wife or couple through this painful and uncertain time while giving you the tools you need to move forward in a positive and healthy way. In addition, he can teach you how to resume a fulfilling life after divorce and minimize the impact on your children. He can also help you understand why your relationship fell apart so that you don't repeat your mistakes in the future and can build a happy family. In other words, the help of a psychologist during a divorce consists of providing support, developing practical recommendations depending on the specific case, the desired goals and the person who asked for help.
Alimony for minor children
One of the basic rights of a child that must be respected after a divorce is financial support from a parent who does not live with him permanently. Therefore, such a parent is obliged to pay child support until the child reaches the age of 18.
Family law establishes that the procedure, form and amount of alimony payments to children are determined by the parents by drawing up an alimony agreement. At the same time, the parents themselves determine the moment when the collection of alimony for the maintenance of the child begins.
A child support agreement is equivalent to a document of execution; if one of the parents does not fulfill the obligations under the agreement, then the second parent has the right to apply to the judicial authorities for enforcement.
When concluding an alimony agreement, there is a payer (the parent who pays alimony) and a recipient (the parent who receives payments for the child) of alimony, as well as a child, if he is 14 years old at the time of divorce.
The law does not provide for a specific form of alimony agreement. It is necessary that the provisions of the agreement do not contradict the laws and do not violate the rights of the child.
The agreement should include the following:
- information about the payer, recipient of alimony and their minor children;
- the method, procedure and amount of money to be paid;
- term and frequency of payments;
- the amount of penalties in case of late payments;
- other conditions that are introduced by mutual agreement of the parties to the agreement.
The amount of alimony is not strictly limited for the entire period of payment. If circumstances arise that affect the financial situation of the payer, the amount may be reduced or increased.
In the absence of a child support agreement, the court independently determines the amount of payments for child support.
The size of the payment depends on the number of children for whose maintenance alimony is required.
The amount of alimony in accordance with the law is:
- 1/4 of all types of parent’s earnings, if there is one child;
- 1/3 of all types of parents’ earnings, if there are two children;
- 1/2 part of all types of parents’ earnings, if there are three or more children.
The alimony payer may petition the court to reduce the amount of alimony due to financial difficulties due to loss of work or for other valid reasons.
How does a psychologist help during divorce?
A psychologist’s help during a divorce can be aimed at (in order of stages):
- preventing divorce if a couple wants to maintain family relationships, restore lost trust, return the husband or wife to the family, establish interaction and communication, or cope with the cause of divorce (infidelity, violence or manipulation, addiction, etc.);
- helping a man or woman understand whether a divorce is worth it in a particular situation, and make a conscious and reasonable decision;
- assistance from a psychologist during divorce, aimed at reducing the aggressiveness and conflict of (former) spouses for the most painless separation and resolution of issues related to it. Takes the form of psychological mediation/mediation;
- helping a man or woman survive a divorce, cope with grief or depression due to a separation that has already happened, and also establish a new life;
- helping the father or mother, who continue to be parents after a divorce, to fulfill parental responsibilities, including helping children survive the divorce (minimize its negative impact) and continue to live, which can often be an extremely difficult task in the absence of normal interaction between former spouses;
- psychological help for a man or woman after a divorce who could not cope with it correctly and faced depression or unsuccessful attempts to start a new relationship or alcoholism or prolonged grief or difficulties in raising children/teenagers, other consequences of divorce.
At each stage of divorce, consultation with a psychologist can be family or individual, depending on the goals of psychological assistance and existing opportunities.
Prohibition on divorce if there are minor children
The law prohibits divorce at the request of the husband during the wife's pregnancy or within one year after the birth of the child. This was done in order to protect the financial situation of a non-working wife and young child.
Please note : the prohibition on divorce in the above case also remains in a situation where the child was stillborn or died in the first year of life. In addition, the law does not allow a husband to divorce in a situation where he is not the father of the child or if the wife becomes pregnant during the divorce proceedings.
To confirm her position, the wife must submit to the court a certificate from a medical institution or other documents confirming the fact of pregnancy.
Divorce during the wife's pregnancy is possible only in two cases:
- mutual consent of the spouses to divorce. In this option, the spouses can file for divorce at the registry office (in the absence of minor children) or write a statement of claim to the court and dissolve the marriage in court;
- pregnant wife wants to divorce. If the spouse does not agree to divorce, then the divorce process will take place in court.
After the divorce, the husband’s obligation to help his former pregnant wife financially does not stop. For three years after divorce, a man must support his ex-pregnant wife or one who gave birth less than a year ago, and also pay child support. If the child’s parents were not married, the ex-spouse will only pay alimony.
The procedure and amount of payments are established by agreement between the spouses. If there is no such agreement, the amount of alimony collected from the ex-wife is determined by the court. When setting the amount of payment, the court takes into account the financial condition of the former spouses, their state of health, place of residence and other conditions.
At the court hearing, at the request of the former spouse, the issue of reducing alimony payments may be considered. For such a reduction, the ex-husband must provide the necessary evidence: loss of work, presence of minor children, serious illness.
Please note : if a child was born to a woman and a man who were not registered in marriage, then the law does not provide for a mandatory mark in the documents that the child was born from this particular man.
Help from a psychologist before divorce
A divorce psychologist can teach a husband and wife how to effectively communicate and behave as you try to sort out the emotional, domestic, or financial issues that often accompany divorce. A family therapist can also help you decide whether you really want to get a divorce and whether it is necessary. In other words, this professional can help you decide whether your marriage can actually be saved.
Keep in mind that if you have children, they may also need professional help from a psychologist to minimize the negative impact of divorce on their psyche, behavior, health and future life.
Psychological assistance to a divorced family with children comes down to resolving any problems with raising children related to divorce, including recommendations on how to tell children about the upcoming divorce in such a way as to cause them the least trauma and emotional pain; how to interact with your ex-spouse to keep your children’s psyches healthy; targeted assistance for increased aggressiveness and conflict, enuresis in children, nervous tics, neurodermatitis and other psychosomatic disorders against the background of parental divorce.
Pre-divorce counseling also helps to identify and resolve any conflicting and/or confusing feelings related to the divorce. This form of counseling also aims to teach “coping” strategies that you can use during difficult and stressful situations.
Help from a psychologist after divorce
Regardless of the reason, the end of a long-term relationship disrupts routine and often causes deep-seated negative emotions, including sadness, stress, grief, and even depression.
For many, “life after divorce” may seem even more difficult than before the separation: after all, although unhappy, such a familiar present often seems less frightening than an uncertain future.
Psychological counseling after divorce is aimed at helping you cope with the consequences of divorce. The specific nature of psychological assistance here is largely determined by what stage of the divorce experience you are at and what problems you have encountered. This can range from helping you overcome depression, deep grief, to increasing your self-esteem and self-confidence, as well as accepting reality so that you can restore your normal life and, if you want, build a new happy relationship.
Family psychologists also help you deal with any residual feelings you have for your ex-husband or ex-wife in a healthy and productive way so that you don't bottle them up and contribute to psychosomatic health problems.
Honestly, it's common for people (especially those who have been married for many years) to face a lack of understanding of who they really are outside of marriage and try to rebuild their lives from virtually their ashes, sometimes forcing themselves to move on. However, it is the most productive way to take care of yourself.
Why do we feel bad after a breakup, from a scientific point of view?
Difficult experiences after separation or divorce are caused by hormonal changes. To understand what happens to the body after a breakup, you need to understand how physiology changes during falling in love. Each stage of falling in love is accompanied by certain physiological processes:
- Attraction.
The amount of testosterone increases. This is a sex hormone that is synthesized in the testes (in men), ovaries (in women), and the adrenal cortex (in both sexes). It increases libido (desire) and is responsible for the feeling of "butterflies in the stomach." Getting over a breakup at this stage is relatively easy. - Love.
The concentration of dopamine in the blood increases. This is the hormone of joy and pleasure. It is produced by the adrenal glands and the brain. It triggers a “reward system” - being near the desired object, a person experiences a lot of pleasure.The production of cortisol (stress hormone produced by the adrenal cortex) increases - under normal circumstances it regulates the expression of aggression and promotes awakening from sleep. However, if a person is in love, it provokes a frantic release of energy and the body goes into a stressful state. This explains the rapid pulse, a storm of emotions and the desire to dance after the first meetings with the object of desire.
An increase in norepinephrine (produced by the adrenal medulla) ensures the reinforcement of the “reward system,” as if “imprinting” the image of a loved one into the subconscious. In addition, norepinephrine is a hormone of happiness and relief. Helps fight stress and provides emotional release. Therefore, admiring a photo of the object of passion, your mood rises, internal strength appears, and problems fade into the background.
Simultaneously with these processes, the level of serotonin decreases - also a hormone of happiness, produced in the brain. Because of this, a person in love loses sleep, may become depressed, and suffer from obsessive thoughts. At this stage, it seems to a person that it is easier to die than to survive a breakup.
- Attachment.
If the feelings are mutual and the relationship is built, the level of the stress hormone (cortisol) decreases, and the amount of serotonin increases. The production of the hormone oxytocin also increases, especially during physical contact. Oxytocin is a “love hormone” that is produced in the hypothalamus (a part of the brain) and is responsible for tenderness, trust, and the desire to protect or care for a loved one (maternal instinct). A feeling of security, calm, and unity appears on an emotional level. Experiences due to separation or divorce at this stage are the strongest; psychological help is almost always required.When a relationship breaks down, a severe hormonal imbalance occurs in the body. The “reward system” stops working, and strong anxiety and a feeling of dissatisfaction arises. At first, the concentration of dopamine remains at a high level, which supports the strongest motivation to return the object of love, to improve relationships by any means. But when concentration drops, depression and apathy set in. A large amount of stress hormones are released into the blood.
Dopamine “withdrawal” begins and the person tries to weaken it with the help of alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex. Which ultimately only increases the imbalance.
How to understand whether you need the help of a psychologist in connection with a divorce
While many people cope with divorce on their own, some people experience such significant harm from divorce that coping with the loss can feel overwhelming. And like any major life change, divorce can affect every aspect of your life, from your emotional well-being to your physical health.
Seeking advice from a divorce counselor is an important step in self-help when you are unable to cope with the pain of divorce. Although grief can vary in severity, there are some general signs that you need professional help:
- Problems falling asleep and staying asleep
- Self-hatred or feelings of disappointment
- Feeling that you are not worthy of love or happiness
- Sudden weight loss or weight gain (from 1 kg per month)
- Social avoidance or social isolation
- Loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed
- Uncontrollable anger and rage
- Chronic or long-term depression
- Suicidal thoughts or attempts
- Worry or anxiety that interferes with your daily activities.
More serious health problems, disorders before, during or after divorce require the help of a psychotherapist or family therapist .
The severity of depressive and anxiety symptoms can be assessed using a self-diagnosis test .
They often say that things will get better with time. It’s not time that heals, but the right actions and necessary changes.
How to survive a breakup with a loved one - what not to do
Don't blame yourself
A relationship is an interaction between two people. Therefore, both partners are to blame for the separation. You cannot be absolutely sinless or guilty in everything. Just as you shouldn’t blame yourself for wanting to be happy.
Don't try to get your partner back
Memories of good moments push you to try to win your partner back. But this is a lie. It won't be like before. If a person decides to break off a relationship, then he no longer feels the need to make his partner happy. And self-deception will certainly result in new pain and disappointment.
Don't fill your inner emptiness with a series of new partners
The principle of “knocking out fire with fire” in relationships does not work. Destructive ways of dealing with stress only cause harm. You need to truly let go of the past in order to be able to experience happiness again.
Don't try to drown out the melancholy with food, stimulants and alcohol
Bad habits will not help you survive grief. But they will provoke the development of addiction, which will only worsen the situation and increase the number of problems.
Don't be interested in your ex-lover's life
To get over a breakup faster, you don't need to live in the past. This stage has been passed, it’s time to turn the page. You cannot give in to temptation and follow the life of your ex-partner. It is necessary to concentrate all efforts on building your future.
