Advice from a family psychologist: how to deal with your ex-husband and how to communicate after a divorce

It seems like just yesterday you were walking down the altar together happy. I can still hear the joyful cries of “Bitter!” in my head. And everything that happened seemed like a fairy tale that happened to you in reality. And then suddenly you wake up.

Flowers, champagne and tears of happiness dissolve in cruel reality. And instead of the status of a happy bride, you acquire a new one - a bitchy ex-wife. The question arises about what to do with your ex-husband. In this article we will try to consider all possible strategies of behavior in the current situation.

Habitual reactions of an ex-spouse

First, let's look at the typical reactions of a man to divorce:

Pretends that nothing happened. This type of male behavior is characteristic of those who perceive you as property and do not want to part with it. And not because he loves you madly. Now he himself has to cook dinner, wash his socks, iron his shirts and deal with paying utility bills. In this situation, a man is ready to do anything to return everything to the way it was. If you have begun to notice that your ex-husband has begun to show concern for you, this should make you wary. Drive away the thoughts that “maybe I still love my ex-husband.” Most often, this concern is feigned, just sit down and think about why you got divorced and whether it’s worth stepping on the same rake again.
Forced communication because of children. The situation with divorce becomes more complicated when there is a child in the family. As a rule, men do not want to communicate with their ex-wife, but are forced to do this for the sake of their beloved child. Often, a woman, looking at how her son/daughter rejoices at the arrival of her dad, experiences a huge feeling of guilt, because of which she may unconsciously turn the child against the father. This is absolutely impossible to do. In the future, this may result in the child hating his mother because she interfered with his relationship with his father. If it is really difficult for you to observe their warm relationship, then you will need a family psychologist. Perhaps he will be able to overcome your feelings of guilt and improve your relationship with your ex-husband.
Threatens, spreads rumors. Most often this happens if the divorce was initiated by a woman. Thus, resentment speaks in a man. Of course, there is little pleasure in the fact that your ex is spreading rumors and thereby discrediting you in the eyes of relatives and friends. But in this situation, it’s better to just feel sorry for him and not try to take revenge. Perhaps, when the offense passes, he himself will ask you for forgiveness. If there is a possibility that your ex-husband is capable of somehow physically harming you and carrying out his threats, then you need to immediately write a statement to the police!
Closes in on himself. It's not just women who tend to become depressed after divorce. Men are also subject to emotional torment and remorse. They can spend hours replaying in their heads all your quarrels, grievances and regret that they did not understand in time how to find an approach to their now ex-wife. In this situation, you may have rushed to divorce. If you still have feelings for your partner, you can try to restore your marriage. A family psychologist will help you learn to listen to each other, respect and appreciate each other.

Oleg, 50 years old, manager

I would really like to stop talking to my ex. We haven't lived together for 15 years. I have a different family. The child is growing. But my first wife is still sure that I owe her something. She calls me with or without reason. It seems to her that I simply have to take her to the dacha, solve the problems of our over-aged son, and carry out minor repairs to her apartment. She just can't understand that we broke up. She is sure that if I once married her, this means that I am now something like her property. But I'm tired of it! My current wife gets angry at these calls and we fight about it. But what can I do? I'm already trying not to pick up the phone. But my first wife calls me both at home and at work! She's just following me. Therefore, it seems to me that if you do not want to completely hate each other after a divorce, you need to reduce communication to a minimum. That's it, you broke up. Now each of you must build your own life. And why communicate with a person with whom you no longer have anything in common? It's better to forget all the bad things and start with a clean slate. How can you forget if your ex-wife reminds you of herself almost every day and demands something?

Woman's behavior

With women, in this regard, everything is simpler. They have only two typical behavior patterns:

Beautiful and happy. In this way, a woman tries to raise her self-esteem. Agree, after 5-10 years of marriage you rarely hear from your spouse: “You are so beautiful to me” or “How lucky I am to grab such a beauty!” This is why many women dive headfirst into a series of meaningless novels, just to prove to themselves that they are still capable of something. But this period does not last long, about a couple of months, then the woman becomes depressed.
Broken and desperate. The same mechanism as in the first paragraph, only in reverse. At first, the woman is moping and doesn’t know what to do with her ex-husband. Then she gradually begins to feel the taste of life. Changes hairstyle, style, maybe even job. Freed from daily hassle, the girl feels like a heavy burden has fallen from her fragile shoulders. But now, knowing what life in marriage is, she is in no hurry to walk down the aisle again.

Situations that require communication

Circumstances that require regular or at least occasional contact with your ex vary. In some cases, this need is contrived by the girl herself, in others, it is simply not possible to avoid meetings:

General work .
Often, romances begin between colleagues. After a separation, especially if the woman occupies a vacant position, former partners have to interact with each other in one way or another. The situation is aggravated in social environments; knowledgeable colleagues will probably begin to gossip or try to discuss the breakup with former partners.
This also includes a general educational institution, the same courses or interest clubs, and running a partnership business.
Property division . The divorce process requires a long time and the agreement of the spouses with set conditions that do not always satisfy the woman’s wishes. Endless appeals, court hearings and constant conflicts on this basis not only cause emotional discomfort, but also provoke repeated showdowns.
Common children . It would seem that this is the most hopeless situation from which there is no way out. A separation between adults should not in any way affect the child’s relationship with his parents. However, it is precisely these circumstances that provoke many conflicts and quarrels into which the child finds himself drawn.
One company . When a couple has been together long enough, it is natural that the circle of friends becomes common. Every person needs a company in which they can relax their souls, share the latest news, and go to their favorite establishment, but not every girl is ready to abandon loved ones just because a former lover regularly appears in this environment.

In some situations, it is enough to wait time and come to terms with the fact of forced communication, but in some cases it is more advisable to try to avoid contact.

When circumstances are not a reason to start contacting

Situations that require decisive action may be caused by inappropriate behavior of a partner or by the woman herself experiencing severe stress. If, at the mere sight of an ex-man, a girl feels extreme anxiety, begins to get nervous and loses control of herself, it is definitely better to stop communicating.

You should also not maintain contact with your partner if he:

insults and humiliates;
demonstratively provokes conflict;
tries to cause trouble;
gossips with others about former relationships.

This behavior speaks of the guy’s absolute unscrupulousness and his willingness to continue the pressure for a long time. Emotional discomfort, nervous tension and decreased self-esteem are the least a girl can face if she continues to try to ignore harsh treatment.

Rules of conduct for ex-spouses

But you should still follow some rules of living together:

This type of residence should be temporary. First of all, it's stressful for both of you. Secondly, you will not be able to build new relationships in such conditions. Thirdly, during such a stay it is impossible to avoid scandals, which will have an extremely negative impact on your children (if you have them). If you see that your husband is not going anywhere, move out yourself. Your nerves are worth more.
Answer honestly the question of whether you want to save the relationship. If you deliberately don’t want to leave, then remember one thing: you won’t be nice by force. And to the question of how to deal with your ex-husband, the only correct answer is: forget and let go.
Divide household responsibilities. Since there was a divorce, you are not obliged to cook breakfast for your ex-husband, even if you live in the same apartment. If necessary, you can even create a duty schedule. Payment for utilities and funds for maintaining the apartment should also be divided in half.
If your husband suffers from alcoholism, drug addiction, or is capable of raising his hand against you, run away from there as soon as possible!

Development scenarios “after”

The divorce has already happened, and if you do not intend to regret it, but firmly decide to move on, then sooner or later everything will be forgotten and will remain in your memory as a picture from the past. Even if it is decided to maintain adequate human communication, over time, interests, sympathies, and circle of friends will change. What if new love is still forgotten old love? After all, life is unpredictable, sometimes after being apart and getting into trouble, people understand how much they have lost by deciding to get a divorce. Then there is every chance to start over, but with an eye on the sad experience, already knowing and understanding what should NOT be done. Very often, couples reunite for the sake of children - after all, no one will love a child more than you. And what the baby sees in childhood, he then reproduces in his own family.

Another reason is laziness. After all, any relationship is work. Everything is being built anew - getting to know each other, recognizing character, tastes, getting used to it, putting up with the pros and cons. And it’s not a fact that it will be better with another partner.

A banal and common situation is when a man remembers destroyed love, having found himself in a difficult situation or being disappointed in his current partner. Sometimes such a deplorable experience is beneficial - the understanding awakens that you have lost a treasure, that the ideal is here, nearby and you urgently need to return it. In this case, in the past, the spouses will be able to build a strong family again , appreciating the advantages and ideal compatibility.

Ex-husband wants to come back

However, there are many cases where exes start dating again after a divorce. And some are also walking down the aisle in the second round! “Will your ex-husband come back?” – the question is quite complicated. It all depends on the reason for the divorce. If he went to his mistress, then there is no need to wait for him. In any situation you need to maintain your own dignity. But all other cases give a small chance of resuscitating the relationship.

Life of spouses after divorce: is it worth communicating or not?

Try to talk and decide what really hurts and irritates you about your partner. Tell me how angry you are. Many partners try to keep their emotions inside and not splash them out.

Life of spouses after divorce, is it worth communicating or not:

This is wrong, since resentment will sit inside a person and gnaw at him, which in turn can cause the development of psychosomatic ailments. Among them are diseases of the intestines, endocrine and nervous systems.
Psychosomatics can even provoke the occurrence of cancerous tumors. To prevent this from happening, you need to talk, throw out all the negativity on your partner and say why you are angry with him.
Only after this can you begin to build new relationships. Remember, if old grievances are not completely forgotten, new relationships are difficult to build. This is why many women and men, after a divorce, were unable to find their soul mates.
This is not at all due to flaws in appearance, or any other reasons. Most often, the main reason for the impossibility of building new relationships is unfinished old ones. Inside each of the partners there is a resentment that they were unable to let go.

Former spouses

Signs

Signs that your ex-husband wants to return to you:

Interested in your life directly or through friends. An indifferent person does not care at all about how you are doing, what happened to your mother, or what problems you have at work. Consequently, you are remembered and perhaps missed.
Making up excuses to meet you. Has your ex-husband been unable to move his things for a month? It’s not a matter of forgetfulness; a man is a hunter who first lulls the vigilance of his prey and then attacks. But only the victim decides whether to surrender to the predator or run away.
He began to take care of himself. Remember how many times you asked your ex-husband to shave, but to no avail. If you notice that your man smells like new perfume, he is always clean-shaven and smartly dressed, then he is not trying for his own sake. In this way he is trying to attract attention to himself.

What if children?

A baby born in love and harmony is wonderful. And no matter what happens between you, the father has the right to take part in the upbringing , to see his son or daughter. Not even that - he has to do it. If the child is small, such meetings will take place in the presence of the mother, that is, it will not be possible to stop communication. The teenager will be able to meet with his father on neutral territory and spend time with him on his own.

Basic Rules:

do not sort things out in public, especially in a raised voice;
do not manipulate children by trying to make their father feel guilty or remorseful;
you cannot stop attempts to help, including financially - this is not for you, but for the benefit of the common child;
do not reproach in front of children - the law may work “the other way around” when the mother becomes bad and the father becomes good;
not showing your pride and resentment is much more difficult alone.

Adviсe

All of the above suggests that it is too early to give up on your marriage. Perhaps if you start on a new line, things will go differently. First of all, decide on your feelings; you shouldn’t fool a man because of your indecision.

When you see the first signs of attention, directly tell your ex-husband that you are not sure that you are ready to reciprocate his feelings. If nothing like this is observed, there is no need to wait until your beloved comes to his senses, walks up and returns. He doesn't deserve it. We put on our stiletto heels and go to conquer new heights.

How to divide property of spouses after divorce?

There are responsibilities that spouses must observe after a divorce. This concerns mainly raising children and dividing property.

How to divide property of spouses after divorce:

Spouses do not have the right to claim property that was acquired before marriage.
If the purchase and sale agreement for an apartment was drawn up before the man and woman became spouses, then the person who acquired it has the right to dispose of the property.
Everything purchased during marriage is divided in half. This does not apply to antiques and some other products.

Divorce

Children and ex-spouse

One more point that cannot be ignored. What to do with your ex-husband if you have children together? The woman's task in this situation is incredibly difficult. You can quietly hate your partner, but you absolutely cannot show this to your child!

Children are very vulnerable creatures, and sometimes you have to close your eyes to your feelings in order to help your child survive their parents’ divorce as comfortably as possible, even if the relationship with their ex-husband is not working out.

Relationships with children after divorce

The main difficulty is raising a child, as many women try to limit their ex-husband’s communication with their child. Guardianship authorities advise reaching an amicable agreement with your spouse, that is, concluding a settlement agreement that will indicate how often the former spouses can visit their children.

Relationships with children after divorce:

The former spouse has every right to participate in raising the child, know information, constantly communicate, and attend educational and medical institutions. In addition, the father decides to give or not give permission for the child to travel abroad and receive an inheritance.
A mother has exactly the same rights as a father. The law does not establish greater rights and opportunities for either spouse. However, in most cases, during court hearings that relate to child custody, the court gives preference to the mother.
However, this does not mean that if a child lives with his mother, this somehow infringes on the rights of the father. A man can come and communicate with the child at any time. If the former spouses cannot agree and determine exactly when each spouse will see the child, then a document is drawn up regulating this.

A break up

Advice for ex-wife

Try following these guidelines:

Talk to your child. It is advisable that the child learns that his parents are separating before the divorce process. It's unpleasant when you are simply presented with a fact. Give your child the opportunity to express his opinion on this matter. It is possible that the first conversation will cause an attack of aggression in the child, especially if he is in adolescence. Don’t push or impose, let him comprehend the new information a little and he will contact you himself.
Provide equal opportunity for the child to communicate with both mother and father. The law in 90% of cases takes the mother’s side when determining the child’s place of residence. And only a negligible percentage of women have the wisdom not to interfere with his relationship with his father. No matter how difficult it may be for you, you cannot forbid your child to communicate with his dad. In this way, you inflict colossal psychological trauma on the child, which may not turn out well in his adult life.
Avoid scandals in the presence of a child. If you and your ex-husband have a hostile relationship, then adhere to some boundaries in communication. Even an exchange of short phrases is better than a series of reproaches at the first opportunity.

Irina, 38 years old, dispatcher

In my opinion, communicating with ex-spouses is some kind of masochism. Are you glad to see who he traded you for? Or is it nice to know that your ex-husband is doing well without you? After such meetings, you will worry and feel inferior. After all, no one wants to see that he is not needed. And if your ex’s life didn’t work out, then meeting him is also unlikely to lead to anything good. Of course, it's nice to know that you are much more successful than your spouse. But listening to whining about various reasons is not the greatest pleasure. So, in my opinion, if you’ve already separated, then forget your first husband like a bad dream. Why reopen old wounds? Let him live as best he can, and you will live your life. For the first time after the divorce, my ex-husband tried to be “friends” with me. All his communication boiled down to the fact that he was trying to borrow money from me for another drinking session. It got to the point that our child began to be afraid of dad coming. I barely got him away from the house. Now I have a new man. He loves my daughter and me, gives us gifts, brings money into the house, and doesn’t drink. The daughter has already stopped remembering her dad. So why should I date him?

Don't ask for confirmation of love

Another favorite way for ex-wives to manipulate their ex-husband is to demand confirmation of his love for the child, such as expensive gifts, purchasing something not particularly necessary but urgently needed, spending time together, regardless of work or poor health. “You promised to take him to the zoo, but now you refuse. Temperature - take an antipyretic and go." “If dad loves you, he will buy a new smartphone, let him at least compensate for his absence.” By doing this, the mother herself alienates the father from the children and turns him against herself. The victim in this case is the child, because he again becomes “an ace in the hole,” whose true feelings do not concern any of the warring parties.

Don't turn your child into a spy

If the ex-husband left for another woman, initiating the divorce, then communicating with him afterwards turns out to be incredibly difficult, even for the sake of the child’s happiness. But you need to build a normal “post-divorce” relationship, how to do this? Psychologists advise:

Take a break. Eliminate communication for a month or two to get used to what happened and “seal the cracks” in your own inner core. Tell your children the truth that it is still difficult to communicate calmly with dad, and you don’t want scandals, so you need time to come to your senses.
Don’t make a spy out of your son by sending him to the ex-husband’s house and then asking him for details of his new wife’s appearance and their relationship.
Don’t turn the other one against her, don’t force her to do nasty things, don’t drag your child into adult games.
Don't expect her to love your child. It is better if she treats him with respect, but keeps her distance.

Allow yourself to cry, cry out your grief and come to terms with it. Explain this to your children like this: “I’m sad and hard right now, but it will pass, I’m fine and able to take care of us.” Do not change roles with children, do not force them to grow up ahead of time. Due to their fragile psyche, they are not yet able to do this.