How to let a man go so that he comes back: advice from a psychologist

Hello, dear readers! Today we will discuss one of the fundamental, complex issues of relationships in a couple. We will talk about a painful breakup, when the feelings are too strong to simply forget and put an end to. Let's try to understand how to let a man go so that he comes back; the advice of a psychologist, by the way, will help better than the hackneyed Internet algorithm of throwing things away and crying for a week. Let's find advantages where it seemed they couldn't exist, let's finally learn to love ourselves, and not live for someone else.

What not to do

Traditionally, it’s worth starting with a clause about what you shouldn’t do immediately after a breakup, so that you don’t regret it for the rest of your life. The one whose partner was everything in his life is left alone with himself, with feelings, or rather with aching pain, which, it seems, cannot be overshadowed by anything. Constant thoughts about a partner, an expression of one’s own worthlessness, uselessness, make one weak, vulnerable, and uninteresting. In this state, not the best ideas usually come to mind:

suffering, begging for a return are obviously disastrous options - in the first days the ex feels a surge of freedom, independence, and cannot be overcome by pity;
running to a bar for adventure means cutting off the possibility of renewing communication;
locking yourself at home, burning photographs in order to survive the first stage of “liberation” - there is a danger that ordinary grief will develop into protracted depression;
building a new love - without dealing with the past, you will only be able to drag the burden of worries into the future and torment yourself and the new guy;
overeating and alcohol - you obviously cannot get happiness by destroying yourself.

When you can't hold your loved one

You don’t need to keep a person next to you who doesn’t love you or is an open egoist

If you love, it is very difficult to let go of your loved one. People begin to make any attempts to get their partner back. In some cases, this is indeed appropriate; attempts may be successful. But in some situations no. These include the following signs:

your partner does not trust you;
the other half has no reciprocal feelings;
partners are connected exclusively by intimate intimacy;
the beloved is an obvious egoist.

What does it mean to let go

It’s worth deciding, letting go does not mean forgetting. Letting go means giving freedom to your partner, and most importantly, freeing yourself from projecting your internal dependence onto him. One esoteric Talmud describes an interesting method of how to mentally let go of a person or visualize liberation:

“...You need to close your eyes and imagine how tight ropes stretch from the heart and lower abdomen to the departed partner. They pulsate, pumping out vital energy, giving him confidence that he is better than he is and deserves more. Then, mentally, large golden scissors are taken and the ropes are cut..."

Some may find the practice funny, but it has a completely scientific basis from the point of view of psychology. So, usually the one who is less dependent, the one who allowed love, announces separation in a couple. Exaggeratedly, such a partner believes that if such an attachment has developed, then He is really better than others and deserves more, but while there is no more, he can stay in this relationship. After a breakup, this confidence is fueled by pitiful messages and the unhappy appearance of the jilted party. Only by cutting off this supply can you stop feeding Him with the illusions of your own superiority, and force Him to plunge into a reality where no one needs Him.

Cleansing the subconscious with meditation

People are afraid to go through the pain of a breakup again, so they try to overcome any passions within themselves. Without feelings, fate will be boring. It is worth doing meditation, which will eliminate the fear of new love:

Sit comfortably in a quiet room.
Concentrate, close your eyes. Mentally they search for where the capacity for romantic feelings is located.
After finding this point, they fixate on it.
Imagine how light emanates from it. Direct it to your favorite animal or loved one.
There will be a desire to perform noble deeds and help loved ones.

By doing the exercise daily, you will notice that, instead of resentment, love for people grows in your soul.

Swap places

No wonder they say that as soon as you forget a man, he will immediately return. This is not just an old wives' saying. Anyone who wants to achieve love, the return of the past, must understand that partners must equally be dependent on each other. If one side is too overwhelmed with attention, then it will give back the same amount of care less. Therefore, as much as you want to be accepted, loved, appreciated, learn to appreciate, love, accept yourself. Stop trying to catch up, convince them of love, give them the opportunity to feel how things could be different.

At this moment the fun begins. When someone who is confident in his exclusivity does not find the usual support, his self-image begins to crumble. In this case, the crisis cannot be avoided; perhaps the man will come back with claims and conflicts. After all, if one side becomes independent and confident, the other feels discomfort. At this moment, you should not destroy your built-up understanding of yourself, or succumb to instilling feelings of guilt. He must experience an internal conflict, and then realize how wrong his assessment of what was happening was.

Sequencing

It is very difficult to immediately get your loved one out of your head. The process must be gradual

You need to realize that the advice of a psychologist is very useful now. You must understand that you are not the first to encounter such a situation. Your life does not end with a breakup. If you really want to cry, give it some time, for example, a week. Then pull yourself together and begin to act in accordance with these instructions.

Don't even try to look for meetings with your lover.
Get rid of anything that might remind you of your ex. The same applies to your joint things. If they are expensive, put them somewhere far away for a while.
Erase all contacts, delete his number from your phone, remove him from your list of friends on a social network.
Reassess your values. Write down on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your ex-lover, including actions that caused you indignation. Take another piece of paper and write a list of your advantages. Look at both pieces of paper and realize that you deserve more. Left without this person, your life will only get better.
The next step is planning your future. It is desirable that serious changes occur. Realize that you now have more time at your disposal and have the opportunity to fulfill your needs.
There is no need to rush into a new relationship to make it easier to forget. It's better to take a break for spiritual peace. Just don’t become a recluse and avoid any communication with people of the opposite sex. Flirting will be quite appropriate, but you don't need to go too far.

Motivation and first steps

I think the first part of the blog article has already made you move in the right direction, all that remains is to understand how to practically let go of the man you love, especially if he is not with you. According to media psychologist Labkovsky, this is an incorrectly posed question. It doesn't matter if you've been dumped or you, the action comes from the head. That is, the union physically ended, but the body was not prepared, so it breaks, it protests. Parting with a loved one is like depriving a drug addict of his dose. Therefore, you need to think not about how to forget Him, but how to overcome internal problems, sort out your head, and stop seeing a “dose” in another person.

At the same time, the psychologist notes that even the return of a loved one will not bring happiness, like a drug addict, and it will be both bad and good at the same time. As long as there is no self-love, there is no equal union, the partner will be a means of venting irritation with a hint of understanding that at any moment everything can end again. So you need not to cry over joint photographs, but to focus all your efforts on restoring your internal balance. Immediately after separation you must:

analyze mistakes, rethink, ideally learn to meditate;
prioritize yourself, your own feelings and emotions;
spend your free time working on yourself;
As a bonus, you can do something you’ve always only dreamed of.

How to do it?

Now do you understand how important it is to let a person go? If yes, then you are already halfway there. All that is required of you next is not to resist, to allow the inevitable to happen.

Let the person go, don't hold him. Try to forgive him and wish him happiness. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Which one of us is ideal? Everything happened as it should have.

Be able to say thank you. With the departure of a person, you did not lose, but gained. He gave you invaluable experience. Even if it is pain and suffering, do not complain about fate. Take painful sensations as a chance to grow above yourself, stop getting attached to people, and learn to build happy, harmonious relationships.

He came back and then he left

The so-called vicious circle, when a man, in principle, does not want a relationship, he then disappears, but again wants to return everything. Moreover, his return usually occurs on a grand scale, with promises of eternal love, apologies on his knees, and flowers. And leaving can be either enchanting with a scandal, or quiet, without explanation. There can be several manifestations of such “love”:

Abusive relationships. A man gets high by inflicting pain; he needs a surge of emotions, which he feeds on like a vampire. In such a union there will be no chubby babies, no lavish wedding, just a repetition of pain and momentary joy. You need to not just let such a person go, but hope that he never returns. And it will disappear only when it does not find a response and recharge.
"Spare." In addition to inveterate abusers, there are also practical guys who leave an alternate airfield after breaking up. He met a new passion, but at the same time he is in no hurry to leave with all his socks. He can periodically write, call, and maybe drop by for the night. It is necessary to realize that love does not happen temporarily or on weekends. There is no need to wait for him to make up his mind, this is humiliating, he needs to be let go and forgotten.
Owner. Another specimen who, even after a breakup, needs to know that there is no replacement for him. He does not love, does not care, but at the same time he is jealous, scandalous, literally strangling with total control. This kind of behavior should not be confused with love, it has nothing in common. Even if at first such treatment may be flattering, over time you will want to howl at night from the lack of personal space.

End of friendship

Friendships are sometimes more stable than romantic relationships. Having become friends in childhood, friends can meet old age together, having managed to change more than one husband or wife throughout their lives.

Despite such strong bonds, even friendship cannot withstand loud quarrels and the force of distance. Conflicts give rise to resentment, and distance deprives people of common topics of conversation and the opportunity to diversify communication.

Understanding

If your friendship is threatened by events beyond your control, then you can simply talk about it with your friend. He is not a fool, and therefore he will understand that, for example, if you move to another place, you will no longer be able to see each other every day, watch movies together and go to parties.

Don't end your communication too abruptly. Text and sometimes call each other, tell them the news. Over time, you will find new friends, new hobbies. Because of this, your communication with your old friend will be significantly reduced.

But don’t worry, this is quite normal, because everything happens exactly the same for him. The best part is that your friendship cannot be called completely finished.

Even if you meet this person even after a few decades, you will not pass by, but hug, laugh and remember the old times with warmth.

Changes

All people change and develop, you and your friend are no exception. It may happen that at some point you begin to look at a variety of issues completely differently - from politics to raising children.

Strong disagreements can lead to quarrels and conflicts, which will call into question future friendships. It will be possible only with the great desire of two people to meet each other halfway. It's a pity, but this happens too rarely.

Remember: you don't have to think and act like your friend. You can remain in conflict endlessly, or you can simply call your ex-friend for a conversation and end everything once and for all.

Explain to him that you have become too different people and that is normal. Your differences keep you from relaxing and having as much fun as you did before. You don't need conflicts and enemies, you are two strong personalities who respect each other.

It is respect that can save your situation. No, it cannot make you friends, but it will protect you from insults and coldness from your former friend.

Advice from men

All words are good in theory, so it’s more objective to take advice from real men. If the desire to renew the union is too great and there is no doubt that without it life will not be bright, then you should resort to behavioral rules and start your game upon the return of your loved one. So, what does the stronger sex advise:

Look after yourself. A person of any gender longs to see a beautiful and neat appearance in front of him. If, after spending time together, manicure and gym were forgotten, it’s time to catch up. Even if he meets by chance, he sees the one he fell in love with at the first meeting.
Confidence. Let's return to the discussion. If a woman loves herself, those around her love her. The gait, the look, the tone of voice, everything should scream that this is a self-sufficient and self-confident person.
Common interests. Does he like chess? Go ahead to the game courses. Snowboard? It's time to go to the ski slopes. World of Tanks? It's probably enough to just stop hating this game.
Self-development. At a general party, he must again understand that this is a developed personality, and not an armchair critic of TV series. Start reading, learning a new language, or learning the intricacies of cooking. The main thing is interest.
No contact or surveillance. No calls or browsing social networks. No control. Also, don’t fill your feed with staged photos of a happy life. It’s better, on the contrary, to go online less often, let him get bored and perplexed.
Patience. The wait could take months; don't rush his decision to return.

How to forget your ex-husband and start a new life: advice from a psychologist

The following practical tips will help you forget, let go of your lover, your departed husband, and start again.

Admit it internally: the relationship is over

Do you think you can stop loving? Well-wishers repeat: “forget the bastard, such a scoundrel, move on.” Ignore stupid unrealistic tips. You can't stop loving. But you can internally admit: the relationship has come to an end.

When you remember your lost love, mentally imagine: a station, a platform. You stand, see off your loved one, wave your hand to your companion along the path of life, and wish all the best. You break up.

Stop following your lost love

Are you surfing your lover’s Facebook, asking mutual friends about your departed spouse? Understand: it’s difficult to start breathing freely again when living someone else’s destiny. Stop following your lost love and annoying him with questions. It will just take longer to recover, to heal a broken heart.

It's no use trying to figure out lost love.

You are trying to figure out why you were left alone, what went wrong. Empty attempts! It’s difficult to understand your own thoughts; someone else’s soul is completely dark. It is useless to try to unravel the motives of your lover. The paths diverged. Go your own way.

The past is gone

Throw out (temporarily) from your living space things that awaken painful memories: photos, gifts given, musical compositions “for making love.” Change your surroundings as much as possible, transform yourself: change the blinds, laptop desktop screensavers, hairstyle, clothing style, favorite cafe. Have you ever dreamed of sculpting clay masterpieces or cross-stitching? It's time. Fill your own reality with fresh things, impressions, interests. You will forget the past faster. The day will come when you realize: you managed to let your ex go from your thoughts. The psychologist's advice worked.

Communicate more with your loved ones

The beloved took center stage. However, family and friends remain. Communicate more (talking less about a past lover, a lost relationship, separation). Quickly remember: the world is filled with beautiful things. Chat, share joyful moments.

Write “history”, put an end to it

Does the past refuse to let go, preventing you from living in the present? Take a piece of paper, a diary. Describe the relationship – yours, your past husband’s. Write in detail. Especially savor unpleasant details, scandals, conflicts, showdowns. You will understand clearly: I had to take a sip of bad things, it’s hard to call my husband a gift, it’s not for nothing that I decided to let him go. Put a period (no ellipses). Write in bold letters: THE END. No sequels. The relationship is over. Burn the diary and scatter the ashes to the wind. Imagine: you finally let go of your husband, burn the past, the next page begins, full of interesting unexpected things, pleasant moments, joys.

Imagine your future self, future partner

Now you should act more carefully. You see: you’re left with nothing, and you’re crying. Make a list of qualities that attract a potential partner, qualities that you yourself lack. Then mentally imagine every day: you meet a new lover, you begin to live together. Imagine vividly, in detail, try to literally live the future. Remember: one day the future will become the present.

Results

In conclusion of everything written, it is important to understand one thing, even when in a couple and even more so after a breakup, you need to learn to let go of your loved one so that he feels dependent on emotional nourishment and returns in search of it. You cannot achieve a person through pity or threats. He may be nearby, but only physically and only until he finds an opportunity to escape. Respect yourself, accept without reserve, love, and then you won’t have to return anyone, since unnecessary people will leave, and you will be surrounded by those who deserve to be around.

Let's support in the comments those who are just learning to love themselves and not depend on others. Tell your story of love and the return of your loved one.

End of life

No one can be prepared for the passing of a loved one. When this happens, the world seems to lose its bright colors, and time moves infinitely slowly. The period of grieving for a deceased loved one is called mourning, and its duration varies depending on culture.

In Ancient Greece, after the death of her husband, a woman wore black for the rest of her life unless she met a new man. In Ancient Rome, mourning lasted up to 10 months.

In our culture, strict mourning goes up to 40 days. But are some numbers really capable of erasing the memories and pain of thinking about the deceased?

Personal mourning

The purpose of ritually dressing in black and remembering the deceased is to pay tribute to him. You nobly affirm the bright memory of your loved one, accepting the idea of the reality of what is happening. But is it so easy to come to terms with his death psychologically?

If 40 days were not enough for you to come to your senses and even after many months you are still in a broken state, you need to conduct your own personal mourning.

There is no need to wear black and put a picture of a candle on your screensaver. Do something special in the name of the deceased - make a pilgrimage, go on a trip, build a house or extension, paint a portrait or compose a song.

As you create such things, they absorb your feelings and therefore become special and lighten your emotional burden.

Help from others

Sometimes people connect the meaning of their life so much with another person that after his death they feel superfluous and unnecessary in this world. This is typical for mothers who have lost their children and childless women who have lost their husbands.

If this description is similar to your condition, you will not be able to cope with it on your own. You have moved too far from this world, because your thoughts are there: with your departed children or husband. You need real people who will bring joy back into your life.

How to forget a person and stop thinking about him every second? Go on a family trip, do charity work in orphanages or nursing homes, devote yourself to those around you, help them. Perhaps you will find yourself in religion or pedagogy.

Now you need to give as much of yourself as possible to the people around you. In return, they will give vital energy that will warm you and return you to this world.