Parents want to divorce - the child’s feelings and experiences

Unfortunately, almost half of marriages in the modern world break up at some stage in the family life cycle. And everything would be fine, although it is sad to realize that people cannot maintain their relationships. But the most suffering, the most serious hostages of this situation are children. They are the ones who experience the separation of their parents the most and think about what to do if they get a divorce or want to get a divorce, who to stay with (mom or dad)? After all, love is difficult to share. And it’s even more difficult for a child if he thinks about how to reconcile his parents if they get divorced.

The worst thing is that often children are not even notified about upcoming plans for divorce. And this becomes a blow for them. But it doesn't have to be that way. If a child is old enough, then he, of course, sees and understands the situation from the inside. Children are familiar with quarrels in the family and are familiar with the difficult atmosphere. But if this is a baby, then, as a rule, he does not understand anything. And then he is simply presented with a fact: dad and mom will live separately. You stay with mommy (most often).

Stories like this happen often. So first of all, know: you are not alone. This means it will be easier for you. Look around. Maybe there are peers around you who, like you, are going through their parents’ divorce? Then you will have something to talk about and share with each other. At the same time, don’t be shy. It is always easier for two or three to endure grief than for one.

Child's reaction to divorce

Children, of course, react differently. But their reactions have one thing in common: they suffer much more than their parents can imagine. Although a lot, of course, depends on age.

How will a child of preschool and primary school age react?

Here it is important to understand your feelings both for the child himself and for his loved ones who caused such a disaster for him. At the age of 4–5 years, the baby is not yet old enough to understand what a divorce is and who disappeared from home where, why dad doesn’t come home from work, etc. But at 5–7 years old, he is already getting used to the fact that that his parents are his family, which is always with him and will not go anywhere from him. Therefore, in such a period it is very difficult to explain to the baby why dad does not come. And the child experiences different feelings: fear, loneliness. Where did dad or mom go? Am I left alone? Why me?

At the age of 8–12 years, a child perceives the situation of parental separation even more difficult. At this time, he is already acutely aware of any quarrels in the family, any troubles. The main thing is that by this age the child, as a rule, no longer distinguishes the relationship between parents as between separate people. For him, they are an integral family, in which he himself is part of this whole. So here the feelings change a little. In addition to loneliness and fear, disappointment also appears (How could you? I thought I had a real family!), resentment (Which one of you is to blame? Did you think about me?), anger (I don’t want to see you anymore, now that you’re leaving !).

How will a teenager react?

A teenager is a person who, even without the divorce of his parents, is going through the most difficult psychological period in his life. He no longer feels like a child and is not physiologically one. But mentally he is still an immature person. And he wants to be independent, but for now he is entirely dependent on his parents. It was during this period that he had so many conflicts with his mom and dad. And if this is also associated with divorce, then it may be accompanied by other negative manifestations on the part of the child.

The usual world of a teenager seems to be collapsing. And then there’s trouble from where he least expects it – from his family. Even if he had problems with his parents before, the teenager still perceives this cell as a hotbed, as protection from all troubles. How will he react? He may become withdrawn, or cause a scandal, or leave home. It's very difficult for him. A child may act in a way that is not expected of him. For example, staying with your father, instead of traditionally with your mother; go to grandma or grandpa. The teenager reacts violently to such a situation, whether it is noticeable or not. Therefore, it is better to prepare children of this age for such life troubles in advance. You cannot hide anything from them, because they do not tolerate insincerity or falsehood. In addition, it is necessary to take into account exactly how the child relates to his father, especially if he is a boy. After all, as a rule, young men who remain in a family without a father have the hardest time dealing with their parents’ divorce.

“This news was not a tragedy for me”

Tatyana, 26 years old

“Oddly enough, my parents’ divorce did not take me by surprise. I was 6 years old when my mother said in a trembling voice that she and my father had to separate. The information itself was quite specific, I immediately understood what it meant. But my mother’s concerned tone did not have a very good effect on me. She spoke as if the world was ending.

I believe that you need to talk to your child about divorce more calmly. Like, it happens - adults fall in love and break up, that’s life. Therefore, if my mother had told me this news less emotionally, I would not have regarded my current situation as extremely disastrous.

And so, after our conversation, I went out into the yard and told the guys that from now on all the most beautiful and best things are mine. Because their mom and dad live together, but I don’t.”

Advice:

Try to tell your child the news of the divorce confidently and without unnecessary emotions. Don't glorify this event as something supernatural.

What to do if your parents divorce: useful tips for children

If your parents decide to divorce, do not under any circumstances perceive this as the end of your happy life. Know that this happens in adults. Maybe you will find yourself in a similar situation later. Probably, the parents had no other choice but to make such a decision. Therefore, try to follow our advice as much as possible so as not to get upset and cause additional stress for your mom and dad. After all, they probably suffer because they understand their responsibility to you.

Tip 1

Don't choose between your parents. Who is better? Who should I stay with? Which one is right? Who is to blame for the fact that circumstances have developed this way? Don't think about it, just accept their decision. Understand that both parents love you, this is how the circumstances turned out. There is no guilty or innocent in this situation. Don’t make one of your parents feel your hostility, your reproaches for what happened. Even if, in your opinion, he initiated the divorce. Remember that sooner or later everything will calm down. And your parents, of course, will forgive you for your behavior, but resentment may remain between you. Why do you need a relationship in which negativity smolders?

Tip 2

There is no need to try to manipulate. Divorce is difficult for everyone: both you and your mom and dad. If you start attracting attention to yourself, thinking that this way your parents will be forced to stay together (for example, you will pretend to be sick, you will start inventing troubles), then it is in vain. Anyway, sooner or later your father and mother will divorce, and you will only add nervousness to this situation.

In addition, if your manipulations interfere with adults, they will begin to look for a way out of the situation, because they have already decided to break up. And it may happen that they change their minds for a while. But in this case, do not expect that their life will improve and they will be happy. Most likely, you will only provoke new quarrels. And it will become unpleasant for you to endure this. So, before you manipulate, think: isn’t it a stupid thing to do when you try to delay the inevitable?

Tip 3

Know firmly that you are not to blame. When parents divorce, their children are never to blame. This is simply impossible! Your parents lived a different interpersonal life, most likely unknown to you. They had a relationship that is still unknown to you. There are many nuances that you don't know about. And they had the right not to tell you. Divorce is related to the relationship of the parents, and not to the bad behavior of the child.

Even if you have taken it into your head to go through your own misdeeds in your mind, because of which, in your opinion, their relationship could have deteriorated, come up and ask any of them directly. And they will tell you that you are talking nonsense. That nothing you do has anything to do with their divorce.

Tip 4

Remember that your parents will never stop loving you. As we already said, this is impossible. If your father leaves and you stay with your mother, you can always come to him or just meet him. He is still your dad. And he loves you. It often happens like this: a parent who leaves the family then feels guilty towards the children and tries to help them even more. Besides, you probably have grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters. And they stay with you forever because they love you too, regardless of whether your parents live together or not.

Support your mother if you are alone. She needs your attention and your care.

Tip 5

Don't be afraid to ask your loved ones for help. It’s normal to experience a divorce from your loved ones: mom and dad. It's normal to experience emotional difficulties. Don't be left alone with this problem. Tell your parents about your worries. They will definitely help you. They'll talk to you. Perhaps everything will be explained in an adult way. Parents understand better than anyone that they are causing such experiences to their child and therefore will do everything to make it easier for you. If all else fails, don’t be afraid, tell them you want to see a specialist. A psychologist can bring you back to normal in just a week.

Pay attention to your surroundings. If your friends have divorced parents, chances are they have gone through the same things you have. Talk to them. Together, you will find it easier to understand and cope with these difficult emotions.

Go to your beloved grandmother, brother, sister. Talk to them. You will feel better. You will see.

Tip 6

Take your mind off family problems. You probably have a personal life besides your relationship with your parents. To avoid thinking about divorce, do something interesting: clubs and sections, reading, etc. New things are the best distractions. That is, start doing something useful and amazing that you have never done before. For example, learn to skate and ski. Come up with something interesting (a new game). Create something beautiful (use a new technique to frame your photographs, etc.). The main thing here is to take your mind off sad thoughts and at the same time do something useful. Help your relatives (for example, grandparents). And you yourself will be distracted, and you will please them.

“They didn’t want to discuss this topic with me”

Egor, 42 years old

“I was 10 when I learned that adults sometimes get divorced. In my class there were children whose parents had already run away. But as a child, I never thought that I myself would find myself in a similar situation. One day dad just packed his things and left. Nobody bothered to explain anything to me. Mom remained silent, grandmother calmed everyone down.

Then my father visited me on Saturdays, and we went somewhere together. He was always interested in studying and asked about friends. While I wanted to hear what happened between him and my mother? It's a pity that my parents didn't talk to me about the divorce. They probably thought that he was still small. But I already understood everything. Now I often avoid frank conversations, just like my parents did.”

Advice:

Talk to your children, comment on everything that is happening in the family. Otherwise, the child will become secretive and in the future will avoid serious conversations in the same way, but with his loved ones.

Is it possible to reconcile parents?

Children often ask the question: “Is it possible to reconcile parents?” In fact, there is only one answer - no. Your parents are adults. They made an informed decision that, in all likelihood, satisfies both of them. Therefore, no matter how hard and painful it may be for you, try to accept the situation as it is.

In any case, you cannot even contribute to the reconciliation of your parents. Even if they decide to get back together, it will happen without your participation. Don't try to manipulate. Just accept it all. And try to love and respect them further the same way they love you. After all, loving means accepting a person for who he is.

“I felt superfluous”

Christina, 28 years old

“I don’t remember how my parents told me about the divorce. But I definitely remember that feeling when you bother everyone. I was 8 years old. After the separation, mom and dad’s personal life began to improve. Every now and then they “threw” me to each other with the words: “Today is your turn to sit with her.

I felt that no one needed me. When I saw my dad, he constantly shouted at me - just like he once did at my mother. And she always looked at me somehow distantly and coldly. Is there any resentment left towards your parents? Maybe yes.

Now I am raising my son alone, I recently divorced my husband. Remembering my childhood, I do everything possible so that my child does not feel deprived of love and affection.”

Advice:

Be close to your child, no matter what the challenges. After your divorce, he needs care and attention even more. Arrange joint trips to the cinema, parks, tell him more often how much you love him.

Some statistics

In Russia, more than 60% of marriages end in divorce. These are scary numbers. But, if adults often accept separation as salvation and a chance to start a new life, then for the little man the world collapses. He needs time to come to terms with such an event. For some children this takes years.

Of course, divorce is easier to prevent than to heal mental wounds later. That’s why Pavel Rakov gives you clear instructions: how to protect your marriage, how to inspire a man. Whether it’s the book “ Actually, I’m smart, but I live like a fool.”

” or the training “
Mom won’t teach you this
.”

Girls who have experienced divorce, share your experience in the comments. How did you tell your children about your decision with your husband?

Conflict

The boundaries of the conflict zone may expand, and the number of people involved in the conflict, especially in the acute stage of experiencing a divorce, may increase.

Conflict is a clash, and with every clash damage is caused. Close people involved in a conflict try to inflict as much damage as possible on the enemy, or, conversely, take the blow in order to protect the offended person. Being involved in a conflict is dangerous:

trusting relationships and family ties are destroyed;
the protected party turns from a parent into a child, demands guardianship, understanding, pity, shows helplessness and is ready to share his responsibility for what is happening with others;
participation in the conflict, even the most active, will not solve the problem;
After going through the acute stage of divorce, which has affected the entire family and intergenerational connections, emotional devastation may occur, resentment and feelings of guilt may intensify.