Parting with a partner is one of the most difficult emotions for the female psyche. Its influence on a person depends on the duration and nature of the development of the relationship, individual characteristics of perception, the circumstances of the experience with the chosen one, the reasons for separation or the complexity of the relationship itself.
This is an experience that not only gives a one-time effect, but can also affect a much longer period of personal life. It is not surprising that many people wonder not so much about how to survive a separation or divorce, but about how to start living again after a separation or divorce.
What does life look like after a breakup with a loved one, a divorce from your husband, what factors negatively affect its quality, and what opportunities does it open for people? Read about this and more below.
The main fears of women after a breakup
A woman's life changes dramatically after a breakup. Of course, it may have its advantages, but these are always internal barriers that prevent you from moving on.
Especially when a man leaves, various negative aspects come to the fore, making life unbearable:
A girl, if she broke up with her boyfriend, is overwhelmed with a feeling of suffering and hopelessness.
Every day begins and ends with memories of a previous relationship that causes great pain.Usually behind these thoughts there is melancholy, disappointment and helplessness, because there is no visible chance to improve the situation. In such a situation, it seems that this state will last forever, and nothing can be done about it.
- There is an idealization of the partner and the relationship.
Sometimes a woman overly demonizes the union: grief caused by a breakup or the departure of a loved one can occur in two ways. The first is an extreme idealization of a person and relationships with him: the denial of all vices and unpleasant events that occurred in tandem. Therefore, an image of an idealized relationship that actually did not exist appears in the mind. The second is focusing solely on the negative aspects of the relationship: focusing on the shortcomings and bad experiences (often exaggerated at this stage) is a defensive reaction to loneliness and disappointment from the relationship. - Loss of self-esteem: Rejection always deals a strong blow to a person’s self-image.
A person feels inferior, blames himself for the breakup, and sees no chance for a good life and happy love. Then it is easy to fall into a vicious circle in which a woman independently undermines her self-esteem. By focusing on her shortcomings and identifying with her negative feelings (“I am hopeless because I feel hopeless”), the lady paints herself into a corner. - Escape from negative emotions (“I’ll just sit within four walls”): this is one of the most dangerous paths after a breakup. Suppressing emotions is never beneficial and makes suffering worse. The woman is on the path of self-destruction, which even the most painful separation should never lead to.
- Neglect of yourself, your life and your loved ones, because you are “still alone”: avoiding social contacts, neglecting your family, relatives and friends. A woman disappoints others with her irritation or resentment, does not take care of herself and does not play sports, gives up hobbies, and becomes detached. She closes herself off to a happy life.
How much time should you give yourself to live through suffering?
Each representative of the fair sex experiences separation differently.
It only takes a few weeks for one woman to come to her senses . For another, even a year is not enough to start life from scratch.
The main thing is to understand that life after a breakup does not have to be wonderful and easy right away. At some point, you need to begin to realize the opportunities that a breakup can open up.
Even if it doesn't mean getting rid of a toxic or unhappy relationship, you may be able to uncover something in yourself that wasn't there before.
How to let go of grievances and stop suffering?
Parting definitely affects the perception of the world , because the woman additionally compares herself with a specific person - the one who destroyed the relationship. She wonders: what is someone better than her at, what can someone else give that I couldn’t, where a mistake was made, when vigilance was lost.
Although at this moment you mostly want to blame your ex-partner, who turned out to be unfaithful or unworthy, somewhere inside your head a feeling of guilt arises because you failed to make your loved one happy.
The question of how to let go of grievances and get out of suffering can be answered in different ways. It all depends on the situation you find yourself in, but there are a few key tips that should guide you toward getting your life back and not thinking of a breakup as a major setback:
- Work on negative emotions .
The first step to “healing” after a breakup is overcoming negative emotions. These feelings include suffering, disappointment, regret, low self-esteem, anger and sadness. It is also a feeling of loneliness and the meaninglessness of life. They are absolutely justified and normal, so you should not deny them, but accept, re- and live and, finally, elevate them so that they do not remain with you forever. - Enjoy the benefits of a free life . At the next stage, the task is to accept the changes and find yourself in a new role. This new role actually brings you back to who you are, to the core of your identity. By discovering and recognizing this, you have the opportunity to notice the positive aspects of loneliness.
Love solitude .
It is also worth starting to appreciate the moments when you are alone - the only full owner of your own life. This is an opportunity to think, plan something, take care of yourself and love your “I”.If you feel as comfortable in these moments as you do with other people, you will gain complete emotional independence, which will allow you to be more in control of how you feel and why.
- Start looking for and taking advantage of opportunities . Once you have managed to dispel the cloud of negative emotions, distance yourself from your previous relationships and fully experience the benefits of being single, then you are ready to begin a new phase of your life. It is important that your disappointment in your old relationship does not become stronger, because love does not always lead to suffering.
- Be patient and watch others . Let people give you something that we may not have received before. Discover pleasures that give you positive emotions: get a dog or cat that your partner was allergic to, change your hairstyle to your taste, and not according to the man’s wishes, etc.
Why is it important to understand that both parties are always to blame in a divorce?
Let me give you a few examples.
- After the wedding, the young wife almost immediately quit her job and became a housewife, and her husband did not mind. But at home she quickly became bored and lazy. Social networks became the only entertainment and consolation. She lost interest in her husband, as well as in her household responsibilities. The husband tried to rectify the situation, but it didn’t work out: his wife left for a man she met online.
- Some time after marriage, the wife realized that her husband was a tyrant. Being an intelligent woman, she turned to a psychologist to work through her husband’s childhood traumas and correct him. I tried not to put pressure, not to throw hysterics. But everything worked exactly the opposite: the spouse, who was cherished and cherished, was even more affirmed in his own importance. He started drinking, then cheating, then raising his hand. The result is a natural divorce.
- Despite the protests of her parents, a girl from a wealthy family married a simple guy. She helped him get a higher education, got him a good job, and raised his self-esteem in every possible way. Well, she raised him so much that he left for another at the first opportunity.
All three examples have one thing in common: at first glance, it seems that only one party is to blame for the divorce, and the other did everything right. But if this were so, it would turn out that one is always a tyrant, and the second is simply a victim. In marriage, everything is much more complicated: it is not just a union of two hearts, but also a partnership of two personalities. If the union breaks up, it means the parties were unable to find some kind of balance, and this is the fault of both. It’s just that the so-called “injured party” came up with a game for themselves that they played alone. The “victim” was simply not being honest with himself. Everything he did was for him, not for his partner. But playing with one goal in marriage does not work.
In a divorce, both are always to blame, period
The position and role of the victim itself is very convenient : I do everything right, and he (she) is to blame, but here lies the trap. If you don’t admit your guilt in a divorce, the model is transferred to the next relationship, where you will also “do everything right,” but no one will need it. Only by admitting your guilt will you be able to draw conclusions and avoid repeating mistakes in the future. You can learn more about guilt and shame here.
What to do, how to behave next?
This is a case where it may take much longer to overcome the pain and disappointment. You need to put more work and energy into it. The key is to not allow yourself to become dependent on your ex and your feelings for him, but instead take care of yourself and your social life.
Forgiveness is also an integral element - not necessarily expressed in person, but primarily in your head. It should become a stimulus for emotional cleansing.
You should not follow the development of your ex's new relationship . The closure of such an important stage in life as marriage can be very traumatic in terms of consequences that can only be overcome after long and hard work.
Separation from your wife or husband can mean either divorce or temporary separation.
Both of these factors complicate your life not only for emotional, but also for formal reasons, which further emphasizes the drama of the situation.
This involves dividing assets, moving, sometimes selling a home, sharing parental responsibilities, and reconnecting with family and mutual friends.
In such a difficult period, it is worth taking the help of a therapist or psychologist , as well as surrounding yourself with loved ones who are ready to support you. The type of your future relationship with your ex-spouse depends on your will, as well as whether you have children.
If they are not completely violated for various reasons, you should try to keep your distance, but at the same time maintain the principle of mutual respect. Take the opportunity to end the conflict as quickly as possible, which will also give you a chance to return to normal faster.
Feelings of divorced men
- The law is unfair. Wives often use children for their own economic gain because they are motivated by a desire for revenge or anger towards their ex-spouse.
- Former marriage partners do not understand what it means to live away from children. It would be worth passing a law allowing children to spend more days with their father if he behaves adequately.
- Often the ex-wife throws an economic stranglehold on her husband precisely when he really has no money. Sometimes it happens that there are some problems with creditors or there is no work, and the ex-wife does not want to listen to your excuses, demanding money. In these extreme cases, men believe an agreement must be reached without continued friction or suspicion.
- Women believe that it is easier for ex-husbands to cope with divorce, because they do not have to constantly take care of children. This is not true. A man experiences the same sensations that a divorced woman experiences. For example:
- sadness
- depression
- anxiety
- stress
- low self-esteem
- guilt
- feeling that the loss will never be overcome
- fear of a new life, because he needs to learn to live alone.
This becomes the cause of serious male mistakes.
How to find something to do, a hobby, why is it important?
So you are free. Suddenly, you have a unique opportunity to regain your independence and redefine yourself: to better know your own personality, true needs and expectations and, finally, begin to satisfy them with your own hands, and not with the help of another person.
Remember how often you lost yourself, dissolving in your partner , how painfully quickly the day passed - and you realized that you again did not have enough of that 25th hour for yourself?
Now you have much more time for relationships that you previously neglected, as well as for new acquaintances, hobbies, interesting meetings with friends and like-minded people, career development or travel.
The end of something old is always the beginning of something new. During periods of negative emotional states, it is very important to act - and then depression will have no chance. You will be enriched with new experiences that can help you avoid mistakes and suffering in the future.
Residual phase
The duration of this phase depends on how social the woman’s lifestyle is. The majority of divorced women, about 83% of those randomly surveyed, said that for them this period lasted about a year.
The phase of residual effects is characterized by the following factors:
- flashes of sadness and bad mood when remembering your ex-husband
For your information: In most cases, such memories arise on memorable and holiday dates - the day of the meeting, the day of the first kiss, the first spring without him, the first New Year in company without a husband.
— thoughts about a new relationship arise, but the woman does not let anyone get close.
The main advice from psychologists is to try to have a positive attitude towards your ex-husband and at the same time lead an active social life. Paying more attention to children is the key to successfully exiting the phase of residual effects.
I felt the first aftershock during my daughter’s birthday. I was cooking in the kitchen and automatically called my husband to help open the jar. His daughter came instead and said that he was gone and we had been divorced for a long time. I started getting hysterical. It was just as painful as three months ago when he said that he stopped loving me and was filing for divorce. Irina K.
Is it always worth starting a new relationship?
If a bad experience has become too painful for you due to a very close attachment to your partner, you definitely shouldn’t go “all out” and “knock it out.” But it will be useful to draw the right conclusions so that the breakup becomes a motivation to take stock of your current relationship and life at the moment.
Ask yourself questions:
- Did you feel satisfied and happy?
- Have you achieved everything you dreamed of?
- Has your happiness depended on another person?
Over time, when you can thoroughly analyze the situation, do not miss the chance for new meetings. Perhaps the new person in your life has also experienced disappointment in the past, and now wants to try to start a new life with someone who will allow him to see the world in a completely different way.
Although initially it will not be easy for you to convince yourself of the next relationship, do not close yourself off from the world, give your heart the opportunity to feel ready for new discoveries . This will help you realize that the suffering caused by previous relationships has already been overcome.
The main thing is to approach your relationship consciously, keeping in mind what you were thinking after your last breakup. To be able to successfully enter into a new union, you need to understand what you were missing in your previous relationship.
Main mistakes
The main mistakes of women going through a breakup:
- New relationships too fast. There is no need to force yourself into a new romantic relationship that may fail in a short period of time. It is more advisable to find a place where you will feel good: among friends, family and acquaintances. Show yourself to others not as half, but as a whole person who also feels complete without a relationship.
- Revenge for an insult. If the breakup was due to the fault of a man, many women are influenced by negative emotions and go to extremes. Be above your pride, because by realizing the desire to “annoy” your ex, you will only deserve disdain in return.
- Continued communication with the man. This gives extremely unnecessary emotions. It is much better to keep conversations to a minimum, and if possible, limit them altogether.
- Closure “in grief” and four walls. This is pure masochism. Neither friends nor relatives are to blame for what happened.
Shock phase
The time limits of the shock phase can stretch from several minutes to several months. Here's what the girls write about this period:
I realized that my marriage had collapsed when I found my husband in bed with another girl. These were the most terrible moments of my life. I stood and could not move, my heart was beating at a breakneck speed, it was very painful. Anastasia B.
Our feelings grew colder every day. It seemed that marriage existed only because of inertia. I decided that I would stir up my husband by threatening him with divorce. I was very surprised when he immediately agreed to destroy our marriage. Do not believe. The registry office gave 30 days to make a final decision. All this time it was very painful and I couldn’t believe it was all over. We continued to live as if nothing had happened, but a month later our marriage collapsed. After that, for a couple of months I didn’t believe that this had happened, I cried and couldn’t come to terms with it. The outside world did not exist for me. There was just emptiness. Ksenia S.
Judging by anonymous surveys of women whose marriages broke up, the duration of the shock period lasts 10-12 days , for which 72% of respondents voted.
Psychologists recommend that during this period women relieve stress in all available safe ways:
- cry;
- break dishes;
- workout;
- perform any other action associated with the release of a large amount of adrenaline.
The main thing you should not do during this period:
- take your anger out on children and parents;
- take revenge on your ex-husband;
- abuse alcohol;
- lead an uncontrolled lifestyle.
