A lot has already been written about how women experience divorce. Almost every glossy magazine is ready to offer ladies a list of tips with which you can improve your life even after the most difficult breakup with your loved one. What do we know about how men feel after a divorce? How do they cope with their problems and depression? This article is intended for the stronger half of humanity and will answer the question: “Who is he, a divorced man of our time?”
Why are they getting divorced?
Unfortunately, in modern society, divorces happen almost every day. Moreover, very young families who have not been married for even three years, and well-established unions where the spouses have spent more than twenty years together are collapsing. According to divorce statistics, breakups are most often initiated by women, but men do not try to stop their other halves and boldly sign divorce papers. Why are they so easily ready to let go of their past life and not even remember it? Psychologists say it's simple.
Most men believe that marriage is some kind of limiter that prevents them from enjoying life. Scientists at the University of California conducted an interesting experiment by interviewing one hundred men who were injected with truth serum. When asked who they were jealous of and why, eighty-three participants pointed to their single colleagues. It seemed to them that a free and carefree life with a lot of sexual contacts was an ideal unattainable with a wife and children.
At an appointment with a psychoanalyst, many husbands admit that their family does not allow them to develop. In the minds of men, freedom looks like a tempting set of new victories and achievements. It seems that as soon as you get rid of family problems, life will present you with a lot of opportunities that will open up prospects for financial and career growth. But, despite these conclusions, most men do not feel strong enough to break off relations with their wives. They start affairs, suffer from disgusting responsibilities, but in 85% of cases they will never file for divorce first. However, they will be happy to support the wife’s initiative to divorce. Amazing, isn't it? But how a man’s life will change after a divorce will be a complete surprise for him. And not always pleasant.
Chance for recovery
The brighter and more scandalous the divorce, the greater the chances that it is not a deliberate and irrational decision. This means that after some time, partners may think about returning to a past life. Of course, if we are not talking about the fact of infidelity of one of the spouses (according to statistics, female infidelity is less often forgiven), domestic violence, addiction to drugs or gambling. A separate text can be written about abuse in the family, since tyrant partners often, after a divorce, stage a real performance begging for forgiveness, just to return the victim under their power. There are no options here, you can’t go back.
If the listed factors do not apply, and the discord occurred against the backdrop of emotions, then it remains to figure out how to understand that the ex-husband wants to return to the family. To do this, it is worth analyzing its behavior:
- keeps in touch - for the most insignificant reasons he calls, writes and tries to bump into people on the street;
- gets closer to those around him - he can go to his mother-in-law to help at the dacha, he can ask to visit his brother or sister;
- become an ideal father - participates in every possible way in raising a joint child, goes to meetings, does not forget to bring groceries or pick up from the garden;
- often mentions the past - with a joke or nostalgia, points out moments in the past when you were together, this is the most eloquent hint that makes it possible to understand that the ex-husband regrets the divorce;
- keeps silent about his personal life - does not burden him with his problems, does not flaunt his life after leaving;
- a sad and guilty look at every meeting;
- If you catch yourself thinking that “my ex is nervous in my presence,” then the feelings remain.
But reunification is only possible if both partners have realized the mistake and are ready to build a new future, and not live out the past. Before returning, there is still a lot of rehabilitation work that cannot be ignored. It is a proven fact that men always return, but only to someone they trust, love and believe. You shouldn't abuse this.
Psychology of men after divorce: behavioral model
Stereotypes about divorce have not been revised in our society for a long time, but recently the behavior of men who have experienced the loss of a family is of serious interest to psychologists. It is generally accepted that a woman, without financial support and a strong male shoulder, falls into a prolonged depression and cannot return to a normal rhythm of life for a long time. What did they say about men? Of course, what they receive is freedom from obligations, for which they have to pay with partial loss of property and money. Otherwise, a young man or an already established one can live as they please and even marry a new passion, whom in some cases they have been dating for years. But the truth turns out to be not so rosy.
A survey conducted by British sociologists showed that 23% of men feel empty, and only 37% feel free from worries, compared to 20 and 40%, respectively, for the women surveyed. This means that a divorced man, after leaving the courtroom, feels not free and happy, but depressed and confused. But why does almost no one notice this?
The fact is that it is not customary for representatives of the stronger sex to grieve over lost love, and the word “divorce” evokes not sympathy, but congratulations from colleagues and friends. Naturally, in this situation, the strong half of humanity seeks to disguise their true emotions behind promiscuity, noisy companies and senseless spending. Almost all ex-wives notice this. They say that their ex-husband, whom they know so well, is behaving absolutely inappropriately. This can manifest itself in different ways. Some men, who lived quietly and calmly, suddenly begin to drink and carouse from morning to evening. Careerists abandon all their affairs and go on a long journey, and once serious and responsible fathers forget about their children and spend all their money on expensive entertainment.
All this is just an attempt to prove to oneself that one is necessary and in demand, because, according to the scale of emotional stress, divorce is equated to the death of a person. And you can survive this difficult period only by going through all the stages of grief.
Dream one4
Hooray! Freedom! A man enjoys the opportunity to live as he sees fit, without obligations and unnecessary problems.
But the realities turn out to be less rosy than he expected. All household little things for caring for himself fall on his own shoulders (when his wife was busy with this, he did not notice them). Along with everyday disorder comes a feeling of abandonment and uselessness.
Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: five stages of grief
The famous psychologist Ross created her theory of grief based on the emotions of terminally ill people. But, as it turned out, the psychology of men after a divorce is no different from the state of people who are seriously ill. In order to return to normal life, you need to go through five rather difficult stages:
1. Denial
The young man cannot believe that divorce is a reality. He subconsciously denies all changes and does not want to enter a new stage of life.
2. Anger
Without this stage, it is difficult to return to a normal lifestyle and “let go” of the situation. Attacks of anger come suddenly, discontent pours out on everyone around. In cases where a man lives alone after a divorce, he can simply throw away old things that remind him of his past life.
3. Bargaining
This stage is the shortest and is expressed in the desire to return to the previous way of life. During the time that has passed after a divorce, a man can look at his ex-wife with completely different eyes. And, to his own surprise, he was inflamed with the same feelings for her, even if he himself initiated the breakup. He feels homesick for his family, tries to see his children as often as possible, and may even begin to persuade his ex-wife to renew their marriage.
4. Depression
Unfortunately, this stage is sluggish and protracted in men. In some cases it lasts up to five years. The California Institute recently published statistics on male suicide after divorce, and it simply shocked psychologists. After all, men are twice as likely to decide to commit suicide two to three years after breaking up with their wife. This period is the most dangerous - the novelty of social status disappears, and fatigue and a feeling of loneliness, on the contrary, increase.
5. Acceptance
At the last stage of grief, a man subconsciously accepts the divorce as a fait accompli. The past life remains just a memory and does not cause negative emotions. After acceptance, a person freely enters a new stage of his life journey and can successfully build a relationship with a suitable partner.
How can a girl understand what her ex-boyfriend is going through?
The main thing to understand is not to think that the guy doesn’t feel offended because your relationship ended, even if he proves otherwise through his actions.
Yes, men are different from women, but in general, each of us, regardless of gender, expresses our feelings differently.
Signs in favor of men's suffering after breakups include deletion from friends on social networks, reluctance to meet, and, during a spontaneous meeting, refusal to make eye contact . Indifference can also be recognized by the reverse reaction - provoking people into meetings, too frequent messages and calls, imposing one’s persona and discussing with mutual friends the circumstances of the broken union.
Prolonged post-divorce depression in men
Divorce is not only a formal break in a relationship. In almost all cases, this is a loss of energetic support and connection that the spouses have formed. It is this connection that is the basis of marriage; it does not break after leaving the court and signing the documents. Each spouse must adapt to the changed situation, but men cope with this much worse than women.
The psychology of men after divorce is characterized by great interest in the life of their ex-wife. This is very easy to explain: the energy connection has not yet been broken, and the spouse cannot tune in to life outside of it. Surprisingly, even the appearance of a new boyfriend for a woman cannot stop her ex from visiting and talking about her past life. Often, women who begin relationships with recently divorced men do not notice that they are depressed and are consumed by jealousy towards their ex-spouses. But in reality, a man simply cannot improve his life in the absence of the usual process of receiving energy and exchanging it.
The decision to get a divorce
Despite the fact that the desire to legitimize relationships most often arises among women, they also have primacy in the decision to divorce. It is common for a man to carefully think through the situation, and only then “burn all bridges.” Therefore, they often know where and with whom they will live next. If the reason for the divorce was male infidelity, then they often go to their new passion. A woman can experience a real shock, even if she herself is the initiator of the divorce. The most difficult time for her is surviving the first month. Then it gradually becomes easier. But the specifics of male psychology are somewhat different.
Causes of male depression
After a divorce, most representatives of the stronger sex feel overwhelmed and cannot cope with negative emotions. In a difficult situation, they find themselves in a kind of vacuum when no one can share the current situation with them. All this happens against the backdrop of close observation of the life of the ex-wife, for whom everything can turn out quite successfully. As a result, depressive and suicidal thoughts arise. The most common causes of depression:
- disappointment in freedom and new women;
- psychophysical burnout from the endless search for a new sexual partner;
- obvious disadvantages of single life - lack of care, comfort and coziness;
- feeling guilty for a broken relationship.
In some cases, divorced men experience a combination of all of the above factors.
Learn to say goodbye
Even if the fault of the breakup lies with the ex-wife, you should not take revenge on her. To start a new life with another woman from scratch, it is important to say goodbye to your ex-wife correctly. But this does not mean stopping loving her. It is not at all necessary to move into a state of hatred or indifference towards the one with whom you previously had a lot in common. You can try to remain on friendly terms. Then it is much easier to let new love into your life.
Sources:
https://www.b17.ru/article/portret-mujchiny-posle-razvoda/ https://www.cluber.com.ua/lifestyle/lichnaya-zhizn/2016/03/muzhchina-posle-razvoda-ili- sindrom-semnadtsatogo-mesyatsa/ https://orazvode.com/psihologiya/kak-muzhchina-vedet-sebya-posle-razvoda.html
Manifestations of depression in men after divorce
Women, left alone, try to actively express their emotions, which allows them to come to their senses faster. Men do not have the right to lose their status as a strong and confident male, so they carefully hide their grief and gradually withdraw from life. They withdraw into themselves and in many cases behave completely atypically. Most often, depressive syndrome is expressed as follows:
- absent-mindedness, lack of attention and loss of decision-making ability;
- a destructive passion for alcohol, drugs and other ways to forget;
- aggression and sudden attacks of anger, which can be expressed in self-examination;
- complete loss of interest in all areas of life;
- chronic fatigue, frequent headaches;
- decreased potency.
Most often, depression occurs in men a few months after a divorce. During this period, the energy that once fueled the spouses dries up, and the novelty of a free life ceases to please. In addition, men during periods of depression find it difficult to see halftones; they completely lose the ability to enjoy life.
Treatment for male depression
What should a man do after a divorce so as not to fall into prolonged depression and quickly return to normal life? Psychologists unanimously say that you should not hide your emotions from others. A man has the right to grief, suffering and disappointment. He should not, while experiencing mental pain, put on a mask of indifference. Such behavior is a direct path to depression.
In this case, you should not hesitate, but you should immediately contact a psychotherapist. Modern medicine offers various methods of drug-free treatment of depressive syndrome in men, which give fairly good results in 80% of cases.
Looking for the other half
A divorced man is looking for a woman literally as soon as he leaves the courthouse with a stamp in his passport. Moreover, this is not a myth, but a reality that almost everyone faces. The fact is that, being married, a representative of the stronger half of humanity fantasizes about numerous sexual partners and non-binding relationships. Men begin to embody all this with great enthusiasm, but soon such a lifestyle becomes boring.
In reality, it takes a lot of effort to lead the desired lifestyle, but the result does not always exceed expectations. Psychologists say that spouses become aroused from each other quite quickly, even without foreplay, and physical release occurs after five to eight minutes. But with a new partner, a man does not always have the same good time - his body is not tuned to the next woman, sexual hunting is physically and emotionally expensive. In addition, apart from a physical connection, nothing else arises between the partners, and over time this begins to burden the sons of Adam.
A man is looking for a woman who could satisfy all his needs, but all he gets is a short-term affair. Often divorced representatives of the stronger sex also encounter another type of woman who simply dreams of marriage. These ladies are not at all familiar with such a term as “male psychology.” After a divorce, a rare free person will be ready to get married within three years, which is why conflicts arise in new couples.
We can say that after a divorce, a man falls into a kind of trap - he receives freedom, but does not feel the desire to use it after several disappointments.
Psychotypes of men
When considering the problem of divorce, we should not forget that every man experiences the loss of his family also based on his psychological type. This factor has a serious impact on the perception of the situation and its overcoming. Psychologists have divided the psychotypes of men into four groups:
1. Hunter
This man is always ready to achieve whatever he wants. He is charming, handsome and confident. The hunter is not ready to give in to his partner in anything, and perceives divorce as a struggle for leadership. He tries to find a new partner as quickly as possible and show her off to his ex-wife.
2. Deer
This man is very soft in character, he cannot stand up for himself and has a big kind heart. After a divorce, the Deer man becomes depressed, worries for a long time and has difficulty finding a new partner.
3. Parent
This type of man is ready to take care of a woman and give her true love. Relationships are always built on trust and mutual understanding, so in the event of a divorce, the male Parent is sincerely worried. He tries to fill the emptiness in his soul with numerous activities, but he never rushes headlong into a new relationship.
4. Child
A man of this psychotype is absolutely not adapted to living alone. He is vulnerable, often talented and kind, but does not know how to make decisions or care about anyone. In case of divorce, he is capable of blackmail, persuasion and hysterics. Such men have difficulty getting out of depression and often attempt to commit suicide.
How to deal with an aggressor
Excessive irritability, moral bullying, or even assault could begin both during the marriage and flare up after the divorce. Often it is a man’s desire to assert himself through belittling his wife that becomes the cause of a breakup. Be that as it may, psychologists see only 3 options for how to respond to an ex-husband’s insults:
- Mirror projection. “The best defense is an attack” is not an option in this case. Psychologists call this option destructive, capable of leading to unpredictable consequences. You should think three times before warming up your ex with caustic phrases.
- Indifference. Another road to nowhere. Especially if you have a child together who will absorb this behavior and later carry it into adulthood.
- A worthy rebuff. If the ex-husband insults and does not skimp on expressions, psychologists advise neutralizing his ardor with calm, goodwill and conversation on neutral territory. The voice should be soft, without mockery or smirk. The fewer reasons for provocation, the faster the heated man will come to his senses.
The last method is quite simple, but only in theory. In fact, it is extremely difficult to calmly hold the defense when the opponent uses knowledge and intimate details, not to skimp on expressions, knowing what hurts the most. In order not to succumb to your own desire to sink to the level of a village obscene squabble, you can try to abstract yourself from the aggressor, imagining in front of you a completely unfamiliar insolent person. When the memory of the wonderful days of the shared past stops hovering behind your shoulders, it will be easier to focus on solving the affairs of the future.
