Divorce when you have children together is often a confusing, difficult, and traumatic process. The documents are signed, the family disperses to different addresses, the ex-spouses begin to lead a new life, free from the participation and pressure of the other.
However, if you have children together, it is impossible to completely burn bridges with your ex-partner. Wisdom, prudence, and patience are required from co-parents. For the comfort of children, it is necessary to be able to put the interests of your daughter or son above your own needs, ambitions, and experiences.
Let's look at psychologists' recommendations on how to survive a divorce with a child with minimal losses.
How do ex-spouses feel?
When thinking about the ideal environment for raising children, the loving two-parent model comes to mind. But in reality, many marriages break up.
Co-parents are forced to build a new life, adjusted for the need to raise children, living in two houses. New rules arise that require different thinking and different actions.
After a divorce, the behavior of ex-spouses is influenced by emotions and feelings that naturally arise when a relationship breaks down.
How does the man feel?
A divorced guy rarely receives support from others, especially if he is the initiator of the breakup.
If it is customary to support and feel sorry for the abandoned woman, then the man is left alone with his thoughts and experiences . He probably assumed that life would change after the divorce. But envisioning and experiencing changes in practice are two different things.
In marriage, life is structured in a certain way. Household responsibilities are divided or were on women's shoulders. After a divorce, a man must manage the household himself. He is surprised to discover that the food does not cook itself, food items are not added to the refrigerator, and the pile of dishes does not decrease. Deprivation of familiar comfort unsettles a man, makes him irritable and less effective at work.
Often after a divorce, the ex-husband must move to another place. Moving creates hassle, deprives you of peace of mind, and causes stress. Therefore, the ex-spouse often feels “out of place” after the breakup of the family. He acts illogically, acts chaotically, and is irritated due to the need to organize his life.
If the initiator of the separation was a woman, then the man’s experiences are filled with drama . Disappointment, a feeling of loss, resentment, regret about one’s own mistakes, bitterness for wasted time, longing for children grip a person’s emotional world.
Without the opportunity to cry and speak out, a man pushes his experiences deep into the subconscious. Suppressed, unprocessed emotions result in psychosomatic illnesses, alcohol abuse, and gambling addiction.
Woman's feelings
The post-divorce stage is a period of emotional chaos. A divorced woman wants to find out why the family broke up , find those responsible, take revenge on the offender, or punish herself. She seeks to prove to her ex-husband that he was mistaken, to convince others of his depravity and inhumanity.
If there are common children, the relationship cannot be completed. They often create an irresistible certain mental background. A woman lives in the past, not in reality, and does not think about the future.
The ex-wife often takes a belligerent, hateful position. He does everything to poison and complicate the existence of his ex-partner.
Other women calmly endure the breakup, do not panic, and do not throw hysterics . They act adequately for the well-being of children. Still others fall into despair, obsessively thinking: “Who needs a divorcee, and even with a child?” Low self-esteem, self-doubt, fear of loneliness are typical characteristics of a woman after a divorce.
Divorce the female way: strength or weakness
How do women perceive divorce? Usually wives begin to suffer even before the breakup occurs. If they initiate it themselves, of course. After a breakup, women also suffer; they don’t really want to go out in public and are afraid to start a new relationship.
But after some time they pull themselves together and understand that life goes on, that they are self-sufficient and strong individuals. If there are children, then the worries and worries about them do not allow the mother to completely give up; she quickly pulls herself together and begins to live fully. Many girls find themselves in a new profession, open their own business, and start a hobby.
Women's attitudes towards divorce can be completely different. Someone experiences this event more easily if the relationship has long outlived its usefulness and separation was inevitable. Some are more difficult, for example, when the husband cheated and left. Then it’s a double pain and more difficult to cope with. But how people in general experience divorce also depends on the mental properties of a particular person, his life experience and fortitude.
How to cope with a breakup with a partner when you have small children?
The transition from a full-fledged family to two separate lives is often inconvenient, uncomfortable, and psychologically traumatic.
It is important that the breakup of the couple be smoother and painless for the members of the broken family. A typical obstacle to the successful upbringing and development of children after divorce is parents’ focus on conflict and defending personal interests.
For successful cooperation, ex-spouses should learn to develop and use conflict management strategies . Otherwise, the child will become the central figure in the adults' proceedings. This causes short-term disruption and long-term problems in the mental health of the child or teenager.
Protracted quarrels and strong resentments between co-parents create a negative, uncomfortable atmosphere. They undermine attempts to establish a stable lifestyle for the little person. Ongoing conflicts make ex-partners poor role models in social and communication skills.
Hostility forces co-parents to act against each other rather than work together. Adults often use children as messengers of bad news.
Disagreements should be put aside and discussed what the new rules , boundaries, methods of reward and punishment will be. Mom and dad should work hard on themselves to adhere to a reasonable educational line. Maintain consistency so that children know that there is a daily routine, planned activities, scheduled appointments.
Adults need to stay in touch to know what is happening in the daily life of their daughter or son. However, calls should not be used for checks or spying on the ex-spouse.
The task of co-parents is to find a way to interact with each other in the context of a business relationship. This will allow you to rise above primitive emotions and focus on the interests of the child. The habit of thinking logically and acting consistently for the future heir will help ex-spouses rediscover their inner strengths and overcome destructive feelings. The path to peace and harmony with yourself is to try to become the best for yourself and your children.
Sometimes it is tempting to blame the other parent for troubles or changes in the child’s behavior. You cannot give in to impulse, react sharply to tiny obstacles, or draw hasty conclusions. It is necessary to study the situation from all sides and assess the importance of what is happening.
If there are suspicions that the ex-partner treats the child incorrectly, behaves unworthily, or does not pay the required attention, this topic should not be discussed with hostility. Express complaints calmly, without affecting the personality ; present complaints as concerns about the baby. Be specific about the questions you need to ask. Do not criticize the character, habits of another person, do not cite past mistakes as an example. Focus on the present and think about the future.
The perfect moment to break up
Before you put your planned separation into action, you need to mentally realize this. Try to take a break from your relationship, live separately from your loved one for a while. This will help you decide whether you are good without him or, on the contrary, bad.
Usually a woman who plans to break up with her current boyfriend believes that she will be better off without him, and somewhere out there a true betrothed is waiting for her, who will carry her in his arms. Often, after a breakup due to a similar reason, a woman meets a worn-out soul who was in the right place at the moment of her despair.
A woman who decides to run away from the simplest problems that could be solved with the person who loves her is faced with the same problems, only twice as many. And the source of these problems is no longer the person closest to her. From such an outcome of events, the girl risks her psyche.
How to accept the situation when left alone?
What to do to get over a breakup:
To a man
Breaking up a relationship causes painful, anxious feelings. A divorced man may grieve the end of the union, feel confused, isolated from the child, and fear the future. The ex-husband's job is to learn to cope with the pain of divorce in healthy ways, to remain calm, and to help the children feel comfortable and at ease.
Advice from psychologists on how a man can survive a divorce while minimizing mental anguish is listed below:
- Do physical exercise daily, preferably outdoors. Active exercise relieves accumulated stress and restores energy.
Exercise stimulates your brain, allowing you to make sound decisions.
- Eat a healthy diet. Although cooking at home without the help of your ex-spouse requires more effort than ordering ready-made meals from a restaurant or buying convenience foods, the habit of regularly eating fresh, healthy food prepared with your own hands will lift you out of the clutches of the blues and prevent illness.
- Visit friends often and expand your social circle. After a divorce, men are often tempted to remain unnoticed, isolate themselves, and avoid meeting friends and former family. But the reality is that meaningful social interaction is important for overcoming the stress of divorce and surviving the period of adaptation to loneliness. However, communication does not at all imply the need to “confess” to friends. You should ask your interlocutors to avoid the topic of separation.
- Rely on the help of wise friends. Talk to a psychologist or authority figure about unpleasant experiences and burdensome thoughts. Getting rid of bitterness, anger, and disappointment in a constructive way will prevent the outburst of negative emotions on children.
- Continue to enjoy life, be happy, have fun, laugh. Try to bring humor and play into your children's lives. Walking together, engaging in exciting leisure activities, and traveling will relieve stress, get rid of sadness and anger, and restore the meaning of life.
- Work with your ex-wife. Conflict between parents is destructive for children. You can't let your daughter or son think that you have to choose between your parents. Never argue in front of children, whether in person or over the phone. If you feel resentment coming from your ex-spouse, suggest rescheduling the conversation.
- Be tactful and polite. Do not discuss details of your ex-spouse's behavior with your child. Focus on the strengths of family members. Encourage your children to do the same. Make it a priority to improve your relationship with your ex-wife. A friendly attitude will calm kids down and teach them to solve problems in a constructive way.
- Avoid bad habits. Don't be stuck on the couch eating chips and drinking beer. Do not try to eliminate internal discomfort with alcohol, drugs, promiscuous sexual relationships, or gambling.
- Don't try to repair your relationship or start a new family instantly. Psychologists recommend devoting a year after a divorce to recovery. Give yourself time to feel confident, calm, active.
- Don't make accusations. Don't blame yourself for the breakup of your family, because both partners are to blame for a bad relationship. Not only the ex-husband is the culprit of the problems, but also the ex-wife. Don't let your own belittling thoughts lower your self-esteem.
- Stay open to reality. Don't expect global changes. If your ex-spouse is a rude, domineering woman, she will not change for the better after the divorce. Focus on objective assessment: consider both positive memories and negative experiences.
To a woman
If a divorced lady finds herself in a battle with her ex-partners, she should stop and realize the true purpose of life. Remind yourself that the best thing for children in the long run is to have a good relationship with both parents.
Steps on how to accept and survive a divorce are described below:
Think ahead to stay calm in the present.
By focusing on long-term goals and making your children's physical and mental health a priority, you can avoid disagreements with your ex-husband over everyday details.- Clear your personal space. In any home there are things that remind you of your ex-husband. You should get rid of unpleasant reminders. Take time to look through your wardrobe and decide which outfits will complement your new look. Throw away or give away other things that remind you of the past.
- Spend time with your children. A single woman is often overwhelmed with everyday worries, so she loses sight of the bigger picture of life. Allow yourself to relax, play a computer game with your son, give your daughter a manicure. Children value fun, enjoyable moments more than a delicious breakfast or an ironed shirt.
- Organize your finances. After a divorce, a woman is personally responsible for the budget. Regardless of the financial role during the marriage, a divorced lady needs to manage accounts, plan income and expenses, and distribute funds for various purposes. Take the time to learn the ins and outs of budgeting.
- Make forgiveness a priority. If a woman is unable to forgive her ex-spouse or blames herself, she will not be able to move on. Resentment, anger, frustration in the heart are an obstacle to happiness. Find a way to sincerely forgive, then a full, rich life will return faster.
- Focus on personal well-being. The time after divorce is time to take care of your body. Go through a full medical examination, visit a dentist, and take the necessary preventive and therapeutic measures. Daily exercise and a balanced diet are important. With excellent health, problems seem less.
- Look inside yourself. After separating from your husband, take time to try to understand your true self. The freedom that has opened up is frightening, but the time of forced solitude can be spent on developing and transforming one’s own personality. After a divorce, you have time and purpose to give up bad habits and engage in activities that bring you joy. Don't look for a new boyfriend to fill the empty space in your heart. The empty space in your soul needs to be filled with self-care.
- Welcome a positive relationship between your ex-husband and children. The guys are not to blame for the separation, they did not ask for a divorce. Unwanted change is difficult for a child's psyche. It is important to work to ensure that interactions between members of a broken family remain loving, warm, and civil.
- Discover true personal preferences. When a woman is part of a couple, many decisions are made by the husband. Remember your hobbies before marriage, try new things, discover a world where you are happy.
Steps to overcome
I understand myself
The initial stages are working through fear and guilt. Very hard and painstaking work. It took no less than 2 years. After all, before you get rid of these conditions, you need to find them and understand them. For example, why am I afraid of a knock on the door, phone calls, the future, etc. As for the guilt complex, it was even worse here, I felt guilty about everything and always, no matter what happened. It was like a black blanket that I pulled over myself, and it, as if by magic, attracted trouble. Over the course of 2.5 years, I managed to pull out a significant portion of my problems, realize them and work through them.
Editorial opinion Elena Kalita Magazine editor
Loneliness comes in different forms. Empty or fruitful. If there is emptiness inside, it means you have not reached yourself yet. And if there is peace and harmony, then you know the happiness of meeting yourself.
Search for talent
Now I had to find my strengths and move on. I needed a change of profession, as well as deep work on myself through meditation and spiritual practices.
As it turned out, I have talents, but they lie in a completely different area, and not where I worked. At that time it was accounting. Routine work that promises nothing. Therefore, the situation had to change radically.
What did I find in myself?
- The first quality is a talent for psychology; I have an excellent ability to help people. I was wonderfully able to increase people’s self-esteem, motivation, and gain faith in themselves. In other words, help them do what I do. It really worked.
- The second quality is a passion for writing. At first, I did rewrites and wrote reviews for films and games. This brought additional income, satisfaction, and increased self-confidence. Next came popular science, review and selling texts. So I reached a new level, quit accounting and began working for myself and on myself.
Finding further help
But there were some incidents. I won’t go into details, I’ll just say one thing: a person in trouble is a target for scammers and manipulators.
How to avoid falling for the bait of “unclean” specialists?
- First of all, don’t be afraid, otherwise you simply won’t get off the ground. Such “specialists” are excellent at playing on fears.
- Secondly, turn on critical thinking, observe and analyze. Take off your rose-colored glasses, assess the situation, ask yourself questions. “Why do I need this? Who benefits from this? Do I need this? – these and other questions will help you maintain a sober view of things.
- Thirdly, look at how events are developing. When meeting any new person, observe the events taking place in your life. If everything is fine, don't worry. If chaos, conflicts, problems begin, break off relations with this person without regret.
Attention! Many psychotherapists have hypnotic and extrasensory abilities and know how to work with the subconscious. But not all of them are honest and not all act in the interests of the client.
Be careful!
Filling the void
This was the hardest part. After all, emptiness cannot be replaced by either work or friends. This is something inexplicable, but very real. This is where the psychotherapist (a real and very good specialist) came to the rescue.
Several sessions of hypnosis and working with the subconscious put a lot of things in place, as they say, “straightened my brain.” It didn't come cheap. But the results were worth it.
The most significant achievements:
- Efficiency has increased, a minimum of actions brings maximum results. The work began to bear fruit, new clients, orders, and projects appeared.
- An interest in life appeared, it acquired colors. There is a feeling that you have a future, and it is wonderful.
- Relationships with people have improved significantly for no apparent reason. I met new people, and these acquaintances later brought benefits.
- Life has acquired a certain “fullness”, that same emptiness has gone away.
All this was great, but there was one serious problem - fatigue. Such changes in a short time require an incredible amount of effort. After all, the familiar “swamp” is very comfortable, cozy, it pulls you back and you want to return there from time to time. This happens to almost everyone.
How to recover and move on with your life?
Co-parents and children must clearly understand the rules and features of the new life after the couple’s divorce. The reaction to innovations varies depending on the age, temperament, and character traits of each member of the broken family.
Teenagers often resist sudden changes in the family situation to which they are accustomed. Preschool children are too young to analyze and evaluate current events, so their attitude towards family breakdown reflects the opinion and behavior of adults.
The main rule for building the right communication strategy after a breakup is to take into account the child’s characteristics, be able to anticipate his reaction, and act according to a clear plan.
Kindness, calmness, wisdom are allies for quick recovery after divorce. Following simple tips will help prevent nervous exhaustion, apathy , depression, and other mental health problems:
In order to painlessly survive a separation, ex-spouses need to be guided by the principle: their mutual claims, grievances, and discontent should not become an obstacle to living a full life in the present and building the future.
It is important that every adult and small family member knows that loved ones are always available and will provide assistance in emergency situations.Understanding that an ex-partner, parent or child is not an enemy, but a friend, increases the chances of meaningful communication, prevents the likelihood of nervous breakdowns, and minimizes the risk of mistakes.
- The interests of children should come first, so parents should listen to their daughter or son. Pay attention to what children say and how they act. If your child is acting restless, ask about feelings in a polite and gentle manner. Show empathy and try to see the situation from the other person's perspective before making decisions or judgments.
- To get through a divorce smoothly, children should be encouraged to develop strong relationships with each family member. Sometimes a child prefers the company of the other parent. Don't rush to conclusions. Remember that children go through different stages of development and get along better with mom or dad at certain ages.
- An important condition is consistency in education. An ex-spouse may be tolerant of certain activities when the other is against such activities. As soon as both parents take a united position and say a firm “no,” the child will stop blackmailing and threatening “Dad allows this, I will listen to him, not you.”
A common understanding of what is prohibited and what is permissible will save co-parents from unpleasant moments and unnecessary worries. Remember that children perceive verbal messages and body language differently than adults. They literally interpret what they see and hear.
- Make decisions like a mom or dad, not like a divorced husband and wife. Regardless of your feelings of anger, resentment, or depression due to divorce, avoid increasing tension between members of the broken family. A typical problem is that parents become so immersed in their own feelings that they forget about the child. They are carried away by resentment that another person is seen as an enemy or a flawed being. Such a verdict puts the child at a dead end.
Will finding a new husband/wife help?
Finding a new life partner will only help if all the relationships in the previous marriage are clarified, all the i’s are dotted, when a person is guided not by random emotional outbursts, feelings of revenge or jealousy, but by common sense and the need for a reliable person nearby.
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How to maintain common sense?
Parents often lose sight of the fact that they are ending a marriage, not separating from their children. To avoid mistakes during a divorce, you need to remember: they will be joint organizers, advisers, mentors, educators for daughters and sons.
When adults understand that in the long term they need to be involved in the child's school life, organizing birthdays and graduations, they are motivated to cooperate normally.
Good interaction between ex-spouses and children involves the transfer of important information, interest, and attention to the problems of others. The consequences of words and actions , whether intentional or accidental, must be taken into account. You need to make sure that the desires and needs of other people are taken into account.
The way to make sure there is no sabotage is to ask yourself: “What result do I want to achieve from communication?” If the answer does not involve the idea of “burning bridges completely,” the ex-spouse will refrain from rudeness, criticism, and accusations.
To prevent irreparable mistakes, it is necessary to act from the consideration that the well-being of children is a top priority . Wisdom implies that one is aware of the likely long-term effects of words and actions on the mental health of a small individual.
Help from a psychologist after a divorce from her husband
It is very important after a divorce to finally understand what you really want. Often we don’t know the answer to this question and therefore we find people next to us with whom we are not on the same path, and we live with a feeling of dissatisfaction.
Now, left alone with yourself, you should decide once and for all what you want. The answer: “I don’t know” is not accepted. Get rid of the female choir of voices in your head: mothers, friends, teachers and neighbors and listen to yourself. If it doesn’t work out, a psychologist can help.
Almost every person needs psychological help after a breakup, and to understand oneself, decide on desires and goals - this is where advice from a psychologist after a divorce from a husband is irreplaceable.
Adult mistakes and their psychological consequences for children
After a divorce, ex-spouses often build an incorrect model of interaction between themselves and their children. Typical mistakes of former partners and their consequences are described below.
Problem : Adults do not listen or hear children. While sorting things out, they forget about the worries, problems, difficulties, and experiences of children and teenagers. They do not encourage children to talk openly about their thoughts, desires, and moods. They are confident that everything is fine with the offspring, despite the lack of attempts to obtain evidence.
Consequence : Feeling of one’s own “uselessness”, low self-esteem. The desire to gain the attention of parents in a non-functional way (for example, using symptoms of illness). An attempt to find attention to one’s own personality among peers, joining antisocial youth groups.
Problem : A divorced parent is trying to erase the past. He is focused on building the future, while neglecting the feelings of the heir. He is not interested in the child maintaining a strong relationship with his ex-partner.
Consequence : The child feels superfluous to the parent with whom he lives. The teenager begins to argue, refuses to fulfill the adult’s fair demands, and acts out of spite, contrary to the voice of reason. A boy or girl loses interest in studies, sports, and hobbies. The boy makes attempts to get closer to his other parents, behaves demonstratively, feignedly.
Problem : Throwing mud at your ex-spouse. Trying to get kids to take their side. Blaming, ridiculing, criticizing another person within earshot of the guys. Using toddlers and teenagers to make your ex angry.
Consequence : Acceptance of either the prosecution or the accused. Depending on the choice of the “authoritative person,” the child shows disrespect and contempt for the other parent. The personal portrait of a teenager changes. He becomes rude, hostile, and confrontational. Problems arise in children's groups. Brought up in an environment of baseless accusations and humiliation of other people, the child becomes the instigator of bullying and initiates bullying of weak classmates.
Problem : Overt messages or hints with context that the child is to blame for the parents' divorce.
Consequence : Development of depressive disorders. In adolescence, ideas of guilt are the cause of suicidal behavior. The self-esteem of a boy or girl suffers significantly. A person who is convinced of his own guilt does not succeed in life, because he is confident that he lacks the ability to implement a worthwhile project.
Problem : Withholding information. Hiding significant events or important issues from children.
Consequence : The child withdraws into himself and refuses to communicate with peers. His efforts are aimed at searching for traits in his own personality that can explain mistrust on the part of his parents.
