“My man is a child. In fact, I have three children – two younger and one older – my husband is like a child.”
If this story is about you (or almost about you), read the article. Let's figure out why a man behaves like a child. Who are infantile men, what makes them stuck in childhood. What to do with such a husband, is it possible to re-educate him? How to make him responsible, how to make a man-child grow up?
First, let's look at what a psychologically mature person is. To have something to start from in understanding the psychology of a man-child.
Infantile partner - how to recognize in advance?
The main sign will be a man’s too close connection with his parents, especially with his mother. Moreover, this will not necessarily be a man who idolizes his mother. They can argue with her, even make a row, but it will be clear that the man is doing it like a teenager. This is an ordinary half-childish protest, and not the position of an adult who is ready to start his own family. Look closely and you will see all the signs of infantilism.
He depends too much on his parents; they are present in his life in all areas. If a man’s mother is also wealthy, then he is tied to her financially. Such a partner will always run to the parent’s wing in difficult times, even if it seems to you that the relationship between them is not ideal. Psychological immaturity here is so strong that there is no need to talk about independence.
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Consequences: what does infantilism lead to?
Infantile person:
- self-centered (only his opinion and his rightness exist, only his feelings, desires and interests are important, the world revolves only around him);
- does not know how to act independently (he lacks willpower, he follows the path of least resistance and avoids solving problems);
- behaves frivolously (shifts personal responsibility for his actions and life onto other people);
- insolvent (lives as he has to, does not think about the future, does not care about his health and financial well-being);
- deprived of the ability to evaluate himself and his actions (unable to draw conclusions, learn lessons, generalize experience);
- dependent on others (cannot or does not want to take care of himself).
These traits cause significant difficulties in everyday life, in communications with the outside world and other people.
Egocentrism is a clear sign of childishness
Boys, whom their mother convinced from childhood that they were better than everyone else, grow into narcissistic men. They remain children at heart, but capricious, wanting everything to be according to their requirements. Their opinion cannot be disputed; their knowledge is perfect, in all areas at once. Outwardly, this may initially look like the qualities of a leader, but it’s just the opposite.
Such a partner (sometimes they are women) will always be right in everything and will never take responsibility for his mistake. Their lack of independence is hidden under the guise of “I know everything, I can do everything,” but these half-children avoid responsibility in everything. For any difficulties in life, the main strategy for them is avoidance. During a conflict, it is common for them to simply slam the door screaming and leave. They try to look strong, but at heart they are small children, and this behavior persists for years.
Liberty
A boy will never become a man unless he has enough freedom. If he doesn’t have the opportunity to climb everywhere and touch everything. Sometimes at risk to life and health. This is the male nature of a discoverer, an explorer, a hero of an adventure novel. If he needs to sit straight on his butt, but the thirst for exploration is bubbling inside - what to do? Most often - to kill the traveler, discoverer, cowboy and all other “dangerous” subjects in yourself. So as not to worry my mother. So as not to upset her. And then my wife. What alpine skis? The wife is against it. What kind of parachutes? The wife won't stand it.
Let his life be an adventure quest. With great freedom inside. More active games, sports, risky ventures. By the way, you don’t need to go there yourself. Let them learn all this together with dad. Useful for both.
This, by the way, is the answer to the question: “what to do if dad himself is a domesticated man?” How can he teach his son anything? Just as you and I are healed through our daughters, so fathers can heal and grow and open up through communication with their sons. But their communication should be free - from women in the first place. Free, full of adventures, impressions, new experiences. Shared male experience. Not invented by you, but chosen by them (yes, sending dad and son together to the “Christmas tree” does not count).
Why is it dangerous to start a family with such an infantile person?
In a normal, mature relationship, both partners see the big picture of their future clearly. They support each other in making difficult decisions and do not let their emotions get the better of them and do regrettable things. But if the partner behaves like a child, lives for today, then there is no need to talk about any common future. There is no tomorrow for him; he is comfortable in the role he has chosen for himself.
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Constant parties, recklessness with money, mood swings, running to mom, hysterics in adulthood - these are just a small part of what awaits the companion of an infantile man. However, women may also differ in this behavior. This jeopardizes any long-term goals, without which starting a family makes no sense. Such immaturity is already a diagnosis. Are you sure you're ready to become a therapist for the rest of your life?
Types of infantilism
Infantilism is a broad concept. It is worth listing its main types in order to understand how it manifests itself in various areas of life.
Psychological infantilism
The most common type. Psychological infantilism is usually diagnosed in adults who, despite the fact that they are many years old, behave like children: they are characterized by irresponsibility and problems with decision making.
People with signs of psychological infantilism perceive criticism negatively, strive to be the center of attention all the time, and sometimes say something without thinking.
They may have great difficulty establishing interpersonal relationships.
Mental infantilism
This type of mental disorder is distinguished by delayed mental development at a certain stage, which may be, for example, preschool age. This usually has something in common with mental retardation, cerebral palsy, and Down syndrome.
A child with fetal alcohol syndrome may also suffer from this type of infantilism. These are children from pregnancies during which the expectant mothers drank alcohol. Such people, as a rule, are very naive, emotionally unstable, have difficulty coping with their own emotions and may exhibit behavior that is inappropriate to the situation.
Emotional (children's) infantilism
Emotional infantilism is a disorder that occurs in children and adolescents. The symptom may be caused by a negative situation at home or at school and may occur, for example, due to a parent's divorce.
The child feels unloved, unwanted, unaccepted.
Lack of parental love, peer acceptance and low self-esteem can delay intellectual development.
This type of infantilism usually does not require the help of a psychologist and goes away on its own with age.
Pituitary infantilism
Pituitary infantilism is an endocrine disease caused by insufficient activity of the pituitary gland, which secretes growth hormone in humans. A deficiency of this hormone can lead to growth retardation. People with this type of infantilism are distinguished by dwarfism and an almost complete absence of puberty. However, this disorder is not usually accompanied by mental retardation.
Paraphilic (sexual) infantilism
This is a fairly rare type of infantilism. It presupposes certain sexual preferences: the victim does not want to be a mature lover, in intimate relationships he strives to take the role of a child. Such a person cares about everything related to babies: he wants to be dressed in typical children's clothes, for example, in pajamas with Mickey Mouse or Winnie the Pooh. He likes it when there are a lot of soft toys in bed, he gets excited when his partner talks to him like a child.
Talk to your partner, open his eyes to the situation
As obvious as it may sound, ask your partner to stop acting like a child. Many people are hesitant to “rock the boat” and cannot openly express the problem to themselves in front of their partner. This is usually because they are more afraid of being alone than being in a relationship with someone who acts like a child.
But if you don’t open a person’s eyes, he will continue to think that everything is fine, that everything suits you. A man-child will never understand on his own that the problem is in him. Tell him about this directly, clearly indicate which aspects of his behavior cause you negativity. And then together think “like an adult” what to do with all this.
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Jealousy of “teenagers”
Have you ever encountered the jealousy of “teenagers”? Remember what fireworks these are? Their fear of loneliness and attachment to people make them hold on to their partner with a death grip and be very jealous of everything that they have even put the mythical “mine” stamp on. Here they use 100% all their natural abilities: talkativeness, good intelligence, rich vocabulary and vivid expression of emotions. All this makes the “teenager’s” jealousy a real performance – a drama in several acts.
Stop being a "mommy" to your man
This suggestion is often difficult for partners who are determined to take on too much responsibility in the relationship. But childish behavior is often fueled by the other party in the couple. The stronger partner “pulls” the weaker one on himself, thinking that without him he will be lost. Many women say: “How can I leave him? He can’t do anything without me!”
Child Partners have the ability to shirk responsibility without the fears that everyone else fears: homelessness, loneliness, and the constant effort required in daily life. They know that they have a strong rear behind them, so why bother? But the point is that with such behavior you only make things worse for such an adult child.
Content:
- Infantilism as a concept What behavior indicates infantilism?
- Causes of infantile behavior
- Infantility in men
Value yourself
If you value yourself, you will not allow someone to sit on your neck. It is much easier to build a life with someone who works with you, rather than against you. The last thing you want is to have an adult child weigh on you. Unable to answer for anything. Of course, everyone can have periods of weakness sometimes. If, for example, your partner loses his job, support him with the understanding that he will bounce back and look for something else. If your partner is struggling with addiction, be encouraging and supportive, but not for the rest of your life.
If you feel like you are in a relationship with someone who constantly acts like a child, consider seeing a qualified therapist. Your partner will likely agree to therapy because most children know what will happen if they disobey their parents. But if that doesn't work, it's best for you to walk away as a responsible adult who sees all realistic future options and is fair to yourself.
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Personal maturity - what is it?
Personal maturity is a psychological concept that includes several factors
1.Responsibility
A lot is said and written about her. And yet for many it is not clear.
Psychologically, it is defined as shifting the focus of one’s attention in difficult situations from the question “who is to blame” to the question “what CAN I MYSELF do in this situation in order for it to improve?”
The following consequence follows from this shift in the focus of one’s attention to one’s responsibility:
- The ability to “say and do.”
- Also, a responsible person is punctual and accurate.
- In family relationships, this manifests itself as male concern for the well-being and safety of the family and children. And he does everything to ensure that you are secure and calm.
2.The ability to empathize, empathize, sympathize
This is the opposite of the childish trait Egocentrism. Which is normal, typical for children under 5-6-7 years old.
Egocentrism is when a child looks at everything only from his own point of view, completely ignoring the point of view of the interlocutor, and not understanding that others have a different vision.
Growing up, a psychologically mature person becomes able to understand what other people see FROM ANOTHER position. And may accept their position as having a right to exist. Even if he himself thinks differently.
Empathy (feeling for another), empathy - are characteristic of a psychologically mature person.
3. Own self-esteem
Evaluating yourself the way you see fit is very cool.
We can look any way we want, dress as our heart dictates. Work as what you yourself dreamed of. Also, get involved in what we ourselves consider necessary.
And at the same time, DO NOT rely on the opinions of others, on the assessment of others. And, first of all, parents, relatives, loved ones and friends.
Few can do that. But those who achieve this state can boast of absolute self-confidence, calmness and relaxation in any team.
In addition, your own adequate self-esteem allows you to hear yourself well and understand yourself. Things like: What do I want? Who I want to be?
This understanding of oneself is like a beacon that guides a mature person through life. At the same time, helping you navigate and get what you want and what you need.
4.Own assessment of what is happening
The same as in the previous paragraph - think only with your own head, relying on your feelings and experience.
This ability gives us resistance to manipulation. Both from close people and from manipulation by the media.
5.The ability to self-organize, organize your life, activities and money
personality maturity
A developed sense of responsibility and adequate self-esteem lead to the fact that a person learns to competently distribute his time and financial resources.
So that you can feel calm in our rapidly changing world.
6. Understanding your boundaries and those of others
Respect for your own and others' boundaries. This means don’t bother with advice that you weren’t asked for.
Also, respect the other person's personal space. And, his right to be what he wants and to live as he sees fit. At the same time, not allowing him to violate your boundaries. Accordingly, being able to beautifully but firmly defend them.
7. The ability to rely on yourself rather than others in most situations
This means that sometimes it is important to be able to ask for help. But, at the same time, not always and not for every reason.
The ability to rely on oneself in a difficult situation follows from point No. 1, where a person asks himself “what can I do myself, what is the first step?”
Women's department
Girls make their first attempts to separate from their mother during the so-called oedipal period. It occurs at the age of 5-7 and manifests itself in increased attraction to one’s father.
The daughter idealizes and falls in love with the main man in her life. He sees him as an all-powerful protector and provider, with whom no one, not even his mother, can compete.
It is curious that the mother becomes a competitor in the eyes of her daughter, causing attacks of jealousy and anger, which gives reasons for separation.
What does mom do during this oedipal period? Based on her own psychological childhood traumas, she begins to be jealous in response and interferes with the emotional contact between her husband and daughter.
In the event of an increasing conflict, fathers either take a neutral position or begin to feel embarrassed and ashamed of the increased attention from their daughter. This in no way helps solve problems with family relationships.
The right decision on the part of the father would be to accept the love of the little girl and approve her movement towards communication with other boys.
The main man should not scare his daughter away from other male representatives. He must show an example of a man’s decent attitude towards a woman using the example of him and his mother.
Wardrobe with skeletons
Only a few achieve complete mutual understanding in a relationship or marriage. The rest prefer to remain silent, afraid of hearing ridicule or misunderstanding.
Resentments are accumulated, collected in a “closet”, which over time ceases to accommodate new negativity. The process of endless accumulation of negativity ends with an explosion, which manifests not only grievances against the partner, but also long-forgotten grievances of childhood.
When we were little, parents didn't always know or understand what their child needed. Thanks to the inexperience or inattention of mom and dad, the child did not receive enough attention, care, love, tenderness or any other factor that requires parental time.
Having retained in the subconscious the thirst for what was missing in childhood, we project everything onto unsuspecting partners.
Hence whims, immaturity, selfishness and many other signs of an unhealthy relationship.
