My husband is an egoist: how to deal with it, advice from experienced psychologists

Every girl who is asked about her future husband will say, “He will be a real man!” He will love and carry me in his arms!” But when you ask already married ladies a question about the second half, you most often hear in response that “the husband is an egoist and a manipulator,” “the type who thinks only about himself and his pleasure!” I wonder where true men go after a wedding celebration? What is happening to them that women radically change their opinion about their betrothed over time? Let's try to find out the issue in as much detail as possible with the help of specialists in male and female psychology.

Loss of illusions

So the wedding troubles are over. In the refrigerator are the remains of a multi-tiered festive cake, pieces of fried chicken, and in vases everywhere there are little by little fading flowers. In the center of this entire composition are the sleeping newlyweds. They are so tired that they cannot open their eyes. But nothing, adults just take pity on the young and rejoice, dreaming that this marriage will be the happiest.

Days pass. The newly-made husband and wife address each other only as “cat”, “fish”, “my Johnny Depp”, “my beauty”, etc. And here is the first quarrel. Usually it passes quickly (we are talking about normal families), then out of the blue a second quarrel arises. Here, words like “stupid”, “stupid”, pig”, “cow”, etc. are gradually entering the newlyweds’ vocabulary.

The vocabulary of quarreling young people is simply limitless. And at a certain moment, the wife calls her husband “selfish.” Why would this former “true man” suddenly turn into someone who, as it turns out, was not one at all? In fact, a woman sees in front of her someone who lives only for himself. In any case, she is sure of it. Although, to be honest, she is lying.

Mistake 1. “You can’t spoil it with love”

It is a myth! Women in love, in addition to the hormonal shift, should be given a shovel - as a symbol that in this state they are digging a hole into which they themselves will collapse.

Remember where the novel begins? From gifts to your beloved. If there is money, on a man’s first birthday, a woman in love will strive to give a very expensive gift.

Here is a clear example: one young lady gave her boyfriend a cell phone for his birthday worth three times her salary. The relationship ended before the “gift” loan was repaid.

In this regard, let me remind you of the first taboo: do not give men anything material, unless, of course, your plans include a relationship with a gigolo. Moreover, it is generally better not to give expensive gifts to men. The best gift is impressions, emotions. The maximum is a ticket to a concert or attraction where you will go, of course, together.

Remember, the most valuable gift for any man is his beloved woman in a beautiful dress and stunning lingerie. In this case, the money spent on equipment is considered a gift to the man - I tried for him!

He was selfish or became one

During the candy-flower period, men, as a rule, try to make a pleasant, positive impression on women. However, just like the fair sex. Over time, he returns to his “true” type of behavior. But it cannot be said that the girl does not notice this, it is simply impossible not to notice. But she pretends that everything is fine. The woman is simply confident that after the wedding she will re-educate him. The main thing is to “throw on a collar”, to ring the guy, and then it’s a matter of technique. The reason for this is the catastrophic shortage of men.

The stronger sex is subjected to various kinds of tests and there are much fewer of them than women. So I don’t want to let go of the coveted “trophy” I won in the fight with other women. Well, of course, if you find fault with him before the wedding, he will run away to the one who does not make comments, but sees in him the light in the window. So you have to wait silently for a legal marriage, and then try to remake the person.

And what comes of this? Is it possible to correct an egoist and how to deal with this type of man?

Who are egoists and where do they come from?

A man is an egoist
As a rule, egoism begins to develop from childhood. To figure out where your husband got this from, you need to find out what kind of people he lived with, whether they loved him, whether he has complexes, and so on.

Mom and Dad's favorite

This situation often occurs in families when children are raised alone. Everyone pampers him, gives him gifts, does not scold him and fulfills any requests. In other words, as our beloved son said, this is how we should do it. Accordingly, he gets used to it, and now, as an adult, he does not understand that not everything in life revolves around him. He believes that everyone owes him, his wishes should be fulfilled in an instant, and disobedience threatens a big scandal and hysteria. It is almost impossible to re-educate such a person.

Sissy

This option is something like the first, but only the man grows up not to be selfish, but also demanding. Moreover, his mother will climb everywhere and give advice, which he will definitely listen to. If you get such a husband, then get ready for his whims. He will also tell his mother everything, and she will support him. Besides, you will always be bad for her.

With complexes

If a man was brought up in a dysfunctional family and had to endure poking and bullying from his peers, then in adult life he can achieve good success. Over time, he will understand that he can be loved and will even learn to demand this from others. Of course, having met a woman, he will demand love from her. In this case, all is not lost and such a person can be corrected.

What is selfishness

To defeat the enemy, you need to know who he is. Therefore, for those women who are trying to curb an egoistic husband, it is necessary to know what kind of character trait this is, what such a person is like. This will be especially instructive for girls who are just preparing to marry a man with a selfish type of character.

We would like to note right away that we are all born with a certain set of characteristic traits, among which selfishness is practically in the first row. Yes, this is an innate trait, and over time, it either becomes fixed or gradually turns into the opposite quality - altruism.

Selfishness, according to psychologists, is a kind of innate instinct, without which primitive man would have had a hard time, and the animal world more often shows selfish qualities. For example, if they think about not eating, but giving the prey to other brothers, they will simply remain hungry. The same is true for primitive homo sapiens.

Man obtained food and hid it, hiding from the cold in the best caves. If it weren’t for his egoism, which comes from the word “ego,” that is, “I” comes first, he would have died from cold and hunger.

Sofa attachment

Let’s make a reservation right away: we are not talking about pathological sloths. You definitely can’t cook porridge with this kind of food. It will not be possible to stir them up for a long time. However, for every product there is a merchant. After all, there are a lot of families where it would never even occur to the wife to expect her husband to participate in household chores. Often, if a spouse is successful at work, this is already enough for the wives. Spouses of creative men (writers, poets, film directors) also usually protect their geniuses from everyday life. And they happily take on household responsibilities or delegate them to specially trained people.

Our conversation is about ordinary husbands who, as grooms, blew away specks of dust from their brides. And after the wedding, they were replaced - they went to bed with their gadgets and lay there without getting up while the wife worked hard for both of them after work. And if they do anything, it is only under pressure, after numerous requests, persuasion, promises, sometimes turning into ultimatums and threats. Is it really possible to deal with them only in a bad way, but not in a good way? Psychologists say that everything is possible. And in general, female strength does not lie in aggression, but in cunning.

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Who is an egoist in the modern world?

Nowadays there is no need to hide food and take away a warm cave. Everything is given through ordinary labor. But why is the number of egoists growing, because there is no such need for this innate instinct. The reason for this is people’s loss of basic rules of decency, mercy, the ability to empathize and respect.

Personal success comes first - now there is a real cult of wealth and freedom from everything. So, only a selfish person who doesn’t care about someone else’s misfortune and problem can reach the pinnacle of success and prosperity. Such persons place their interests above the desires and interests of others. When planning his prospects, he thinks only about his own benefit, the maximum benefit only for himself.

Interesting fact. The term "egoist" originated in France around the second half of the 18th century. It was then that the concept of “reasonable egoism” arose, which became the basis for the modern cynical type of egoism. At the head of this morality are the own, personal interests of a particular person. There was even a theory that selfishness is inherited and has a genetic nature.

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The main signs of selfishness

We don’t know what about the hereditary predisposition to selfishness, but the fact that we cultivate this trait in a child with our own hands is a fact. Indulging in all the whims and desires of the baby, buying him everything that he points at with his finger and says only one word “give”. Turning a blind eye to bad behavior, indulging in his rudeness and rudeness - we become a participant in a bad process. We are raising a terrible person in a normal child, who will make more than one woman cry in the future. All this is the result of the same permissiveness that parents now pamper their beloved children with.

Someone will object, “Now is the time! Yes, you can't argue with that. These are truly difficult times. In pursuit of profits and a comfortable life, we communicate little with those who will receive the “baton” from us and will continue the human race.

Not receiving proper attention, not knowing from childhood what is “good” and what is “Bad”, not restraining themselves within the limits of what is permitted and decent, they turn into those who do not care at all about other people’s lives. Young ladies should study in advance the main signs of this type of man in order to understand whether they should connect their destiny with him or not.

Pride, confidence in one’s irresistibility and infallibility, constant boasting.
He does not want to be held responsible for his actions or for the actions of his loved ones.
Considers himself exceptional and exceeds his own importance over other persons.
Categorically does not allow or forgive the slightest misdeeds and mistakes of others.
He constantly lectures someone and considers his opinion to be the ultimate truth.
Cynical, rude, reacts to everything with sarcasm.
Disregards morals and ethics.
He is touchy, does not know how to forgive, loves to attract attention to himself.

After reading the points, most readers will identify at least one of them that is inherent in his character. But if all this is collected in one person, then the only thing left is to feel sorry for him. After all, from childhood he grew up as such “thanks” to the efforts of compassionate parents.

True, there are also those who become “hardened” egoists, despite the real efforts of the parents to raise him to be a good person. Here you can really believe in the genetic nature of selfishness. Moreover, the quality could be passed on not necessarily by parents, but by grandparents and older generations.

Another way to immediately identify an egoist is to pay attention to characteristic features and peculiarities during a conversation. As a rule, and this is a proven fact, an egoist often repeats the pronoun “I”. That is, he will say “I chose a good vase,” instead of “my boyfriend, girlfriend, and girlfriend made a good choice,” etc. That is, it is immediately clear that in front of you is the very “navel of the Russian land”, putting his personality in the center of attention and adoration.

How to live with an egoist

So, the wedding has passed, you are married. This problem, considered an important issue for the fair half, has been resolved. Now you need to do something with your selfish spouse. We warn you right away - the task is not easy. It is almost impossible to change a person, especially against his will. But still, it’s worth working on a person who, literally a short time after marriage, forgot what gallantry, the ability to empathize, and the ability to help and support in everything are.

Now, on the contrary, he will not clear away his plate, will not ask if his wife is tired, will not share the last delicious candy, and will not invite her to go together to a meeting with friends. In short, all manifestations of selfishness are present. And here you no longer have to look for excuses in the “poor quality” selection of your future husband. The veil of passion and love gradually falls away and the true essence of the one with whom life is connected is revealed. Leaving such a person is not a solution to the problem.

Believe me, most people are selfish. Of course, if in front of you is a true tyrant, then you don’t need to think. Run away as quickly as possible, leaving him no chance of renewing the relationship. But if this is a banal type of egoist, try to figure out why he behaves this way. Perhaps the reason lies in your behavior.

Mistake 3. Loving a man “just because he is”

This phrase sounds impressive in a romance novel or film. In life, it’s better to forget her, because “just like that” you can and should only love girls. And boys are always loved for something: actions, grades, good behavior, sports victories. Dad implements this model in the family: “Achieve and grow, be the best!” If there is no dad, everything goes according to the female scenario - pamper, forgive, adore for the very fact of birth. You most likely know the result.

Of course, there is no need to squeeze relationships into the “first a feat, then a kiss” format. But smart women always remember about carrots and sticks.

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Causes of male egoism

We already know that an impartial character trait is cultivated during a child’s childhood. But that's not all. He may still grow up to be a tolerant person for society, but here a loving spouse comes into play, “compensating” for the lack of attention. She fulfills all his whims with great love and diligence. Before he even had time to open his mouth, a table immediately appeared in front of him, filled with incredible dishes - meat, fish, vegetables, etc.

It would seem like an ordinary day, but she is trying with all her might to show how much she loves him. What's wrong with that? No, there’s nothing terrible about it if you pamper your spouse from time to time, and not every day. You shouldn’t create an egoist in him, who will very quickly get used to special delicacies and the fact that he can throw things everywhere, get dirty, and you run after him with a dustpan.

Also, the wife, understanding that a man sometimes wants to spend time with friends, allows him to sit in bars, sports clubs and drink and smoke hookah with enviable regularity. The moment comes when his once-a-week get-togethers turn into a daily way to relieve stress after work.

By the way, about work. Quite often, modern newly-made husbands spend a long time “looking” for themselves and cannot find them.” So a young spouse can lie on the couch for months and dream of a good job. In any case, it seems so from the wife’s side, but in fact, in front of you is a banal lazy person and an egoist who has sat on your neck and drinks the juices from you.

The husband is lazy: in what cases is the wife to blame?

“My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have a son who recently turned 12 years old. And the further it goes, the worse it gets. I feel like a housekeeper, not a wife and mother.
There are two men in the house, but neither of them lifts a finger to do anything around the house. They live on everything ready-made - they don’t eat if I don’t set the table, they can walk around in dirty clothes if I don’t have time to wash and iron my clothes. The husband and son are lazy people to look for. And I won’t say that they are loaded outside the home. My husband works for a meager salary, without particularly straining himself. And my son is doing very poorly in his studies, spending his free time playing video games.
I understand that I myself spoiled them to the extreme. Calm conversations don't help. There is absolutely no initiative or gratitude from the household. Should I accept that my husband and son are lazy, or should I do something?”
— Irina, 40 years old

It's no wonder that men's laziness upsets women so much. But in a number of cases, they themselves aggravate the situation, cultivating in the chosen one complete lack of initiative and reluctance to make the slightest effort to achieve the goal. It is difficult to make a lazy person work when the family relationships are not the most “healthy”.

What models of female behavior in marriage influence the husband to become a “chronic” lazy person and parasite?

Self-sacrifice and obsessive concern

Many women set themselves the goal of providing their husband with the best “living environment.” It's wonderful to be a caring busybody. But sometimes this goes beyond what is permitted - a woman puts literally everything on her fragile shoulders. She makes money when her lazy husband “looks for his purpose in life” or simply spends time in front of TV. The woman herself teaches her husband to live “with everything ready.” The man understands that his wife can handle everything on her own. Why then help her? He gets used to doing nothing.

Marriage is a “work” in a duet. It is important that all responsibilities are distributed between husband and wife in equal proportions.

Groundless accusations of “doing nothing”

The husband comes home exhausted from work, and right from the doorway his angry wife attacks him with reproaches: “You’re not doing anything around the house.” Instead of a delicious dinner and warm hugs, the man receives accusations of laziness and a loud scandal. This completely defeats all good intentions to help. This model of behavior is usually characteristic of women who are on maternity leave with a small child.

Indeed, maternity leave is not the easiest period in a woman’s life. But it is important to look at the situation objectively. If a husband works all day long so that his family does not need anything, he also gets tired. The fact that he does not wash the floors when he comes home in the evening is not laziness or selfishness. And groundless accusations certainly don’t motivate him to help you in any way with housekeeping.

Constant criticism of inadequacy

“You earn little”, “you have achieved nothing in life”, “you are not a husband, but a whiner and a lazy person” - such criticism humiliates a man. Constantly nagging your husband and blaming him for his inability to earn money is, to say the least, unwise. He takes such criticism very seriously. And sooner or later he will definitely start to be truly lazy. Why try when your wife always finds something to complain about?

If a husband is trying his best to succeed in his career, a woman should understand that constant criticism is not the best support for him. This undermines a man's self-confidence.

There are different types of egoists

Let's first figure out what type of egoist your beloved hubby can be classified as. After all, there are several varieties of this kind of navel of the earth.

Smart - this type is not capricious, does not get into the bottle, does not stick out itself. But he always comes first in everything.
Inveterate - with his egocentrism, he gives no rest to anyone - neither relatives nor friends.
Aggressive - you are unlikely to be able to cope with such a person. Not only does he consider himself the center of the universe, but there are no others around at all. And if you object to him even with a word, expect a violent, negative, one might even say, angry reaction. You absolutely cannot contradict him - you will be humiliated and insulted in return. You cannot connect your life with such a person. And if you happen to be his wife, run away before he completely ruins your life.

My husband is selfish - how to deal with it

To change the behavior of their spouse, some wives try to change themselves, try to adapt to this type. If this is not an “advanced” case of selfishness, no matter what, you can adapt and live normally. But for this you need to have wisdom, patience and even cunning. Not many women have such qualities.

As for cases of unbearable selfishness, here, of course, it is worth fighting. Let's study the psychologist's advice on curbing an egoist and manipulative husband.

Often, insensitivity or indifference can be a consequence of a person’s banal lack of information or awareness. It makes sense to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, to reveal to him the moments that bring you offense and discomfort. You cannot accumulate negativity, otherwise you risk “exploding” and a serious scandal will occur. Perhaps your conversation will open his “eyes” to certain points that were the norm for him.

There is an opinion that difficulties in our lives are intended for spiritual self-development, strengthening morality, and self-improvement. If you are a supporter of this theory, then accept your selfish spouse as a test that gives you the opportunity to grow above yourself.

No, we are not saying that you need to silently tolerate his behavior. On the contrary, show this “navel of the earth” that you can love yourself “for two.” What to do in such situations:

Pay attention to yourself, look in the reflection and remember that you are worth much more. Go to a spa, hairdresser, massage parlor and take care of your appearance, health, and beauty.

Stop doing everything yourself. Remember that this person is also required to do housework. Let him learn to pick up his socks, put shirts in the laundry basket, put away his plate, rinse out his cup, etc.

One of my friends, a mother of two sons and a loving, caring wife, kept collecting their socks in the corners of a large apartment. And every time she asked: “Guys, is it really so difficult to put them in a special basket.” But no one listened.

And one day, when she once again reached under the sofa for a dirty sock, her back “grabbed.” Straightening up with difficulty, she decided once and for all not to collect them, but to throw them even further, into the farthest corner. A week passed, the men were shocked that among the washed clothes there was not a single pair of socks. She took great pleasure in telling the men where to look for them. And from then on, they, like diligent “students,” began to listen to her and did not create problems with dirty laundry.

If you don’t help around the house, stop cleaning. Believe me, no one has ever died from a mess. And he, accustomed to living in cleanliness and comfort, will quickly begin to act. And if not, good riddance to such an egoist and lazy person.

Encourage the lazy person. It happens that a person by nature does not like to perform unnecessary actions. There is even a humorous term “BPD syndrome,” that is, fear of unnecessary movement. It is for this reason that most men throw away dirty laundry, don’t clean up after themselves, don’t want to go to the store, take a walk with their child, etc.

To encourage him to take action, start the morning with a delicious breakfast and praise for the things he has done. It may be a trifle, nonsense, but still he did it. And under no circumstances call him lazy. It’s better to tell how talented he is, how things work out in his hands, especially repeat these words in front of his family and friends. Men are infantile in life and are ready to listen to pleasant words addressed to them for an indefinitely long time.

You cannot punish your spouse for something he did not do, but only for real actions. If there is a person next to you who really deserves encouragement, praise him in the presence of your selfish spouse, but without offense or insults towards him. An intelligent person will understand that he did something wrong or, on the contrary, did nothing and will think about it.

He lies on the couch all day and does not want to look for a job, bring a salary into the house, or support his family. Here you cannot remain silent and tolerate at all. If you miss time, you will have to live with someone who will spend his whole life looking for reasons and reasons for his laziness. Stop dragging your family on yourself, tell about your friend, relative or someone from his circle who has achieved good results by starting small.

What to do if you fall in love with a selfish man - is it worth marrying him?

Is it worth marrying an egoist?
Often girls realize the seriousness of the situation when it is already too late. Yes, she loves this man, he has already proposed and things are heading towards the wedding. But is it worth marrying him?

To answer this question, you just need to think about what kind of life awaits you with such a person. After all, it is impossible to re-educate him, because a selfish man will definitely not become henpecked.

So, if you agree to marry an egoist, you will have to endure everything and admire him. If a woman has an easy-going character, and she is also madly afraid of losing him, then she will have to put a crown on him and a servant’s uniform on herself. This is real moral masochism, but underneath its glory it is so warm.
Undoubtedly, one can tolerate it, but one must take into account:
You shouldn't expect any special tenderness. But you yourself must give it fully, and also constantly praise him.
He will decide who you are allowed to communicate with and who you are not allowed to communicate with. His parents will always come first, and yours will always come first if he likes you.
He may disappear and not explain anything. Even if he has a mistress, he will never admit his guilt. He will convince you that he is doing everything right.
All finances in the family are under his control. At the same time, his generosity will extend only to himself. He can buy a fashionable down jacket and he won’t mind 15 thousand rubles, but you, in his opinion, can get by with a simple jacket for 3 thousand.
Learn to be silent and do everything unquestioningly. This way you will avoid His Majesty's wrath. Yes, you must run your household perfectly.
Yes, of course, it is difficult to live with such a man, especially if he cannot be re-educated.
Although, selfish men also have advantages:
It's never a shame to appear in public with him. He will never allow himself to look bad and will always smell good.
He is a natural leader and will stop at nothing to achieve his goals. His career is going uphill, and this is good for the family.
Once in a high position, he will convince people that he is right. Often egoists are choleric and excellent speakers, so it’s hard to argue with them.
Even if the egoist’s greed is off the charts, he will bring money for his comfort. And the children will be prosperous, because they are his, and what is connected with him should be the best.

As you can see, life with an egoist can be good, but only on condition that you please him in everything. So, whether you should marry him - decide for yourself.

Sexual egoist

In general, a selfish person is selfish in everything! There are no exceptional moments for him. He will behave this way both in the kitchen, in the office, and in close contacts in the bedroom. It is important that he receives pleasure from sexual intimacy first of all, and then how it turns out. Although we are so gentle - as soon as the moment of pleasure comes, he will immediately forget about his partner and calmly retire to the shower. What to do in such cases? After all, “love is evil, you can run into an egoist.”

Talk to your lover frankly. Tell us what suits you and what doesn’t suit you at the moment of intimacy. Most often, “thick-skinned” men do not understand that they actually behave selfishly in bed.
Be proactive, attract, interest your bed partner, men love variety.
You should not treat sex as something physiological. Be active, show tenderness, sincerity, show how much you value intimacy with this man.
In bed, think about bed! You shouldn’t notice stains on the bedroom ceiling, cracks that need to be repaired urgently, remember where you put your wallet, etc.

Quite often, a man’s selfishness in bed is the result of a woman’s behavior. If she treats this process as a familiar routine, he will not think about delivering maximum pleasure. And yet, you should never refuse intimacy because of an imaginary headache or fatigue.

Intimacy is an important issue not only for men, but also for women. But the stronger sex is inherently more passionate and they require more sex. And life will be brighter, more varied, more interesting if you regularly give each other affection and tenderness.

Relationship with such a person

Many girls are mistaken when they believe that they can easily overcome male egoism, for example, with the help of a frank conversation. In fact, they will face great difficulties; they will need to make considerable efforts to somehow influence their partner.

Let's look at how to behave with an egoist with whom you are building a relationship.

Discuss your partner's behavior. Perhaps he has no idea what feelings he evokes in those around him.
Don't forget to praise him often. It is important for a man to feel indispensable.
Never allow yourself to be exploited. A man should treat you as an equal person. There is no need to take on too much, showing your independence and self-reliance. And even more so, don’t take men’s responsibilities on your shoulders. Thus, you only cultivate male egoism.
Try to ask him for some help more often. Let him feel that you need his support. Don't forget to thank for the help provided.
Don't be afraid to say out loud what you dream about, what you want to have. Let the man know that you also need something, let him strive to satisfy your needs.

What to do with a selfish husband

Many women, faced with a husband who thinks only of himself, immediately think about divorce. There is no need to rush, we have already said that such men are in the majority. You only need to leave a despot, a tyrant, and believe me, you can still cope with such a person. To do this, you need to apply some useful tips from experienced psychologists and see how useful they are.

Family relationships are hard and monotonous work. And every day you need to work diligently to save your family and, overcoming obstacles, live happily ever after. And this is possible if people truly love each other. It is enough to be patient, and over time, wisdom, understanding, and compliance will be added to all qualities. If a woman approaches the issue of re-educating her beloved husband wisely and calmly, she will succeed. Moreover, she will make sure that her husband becomes a model of altruism, decency and responsibility.

Take action

When you feel that you have the strength to stand up for yourself, make a decision and communicate it. After breaking up, try to spend more time in nature, make it a habit to take an evening walk, sign up for a gym, or start learning a new language or profession.

Increasing activity will relieve sad thoughts and allow you to quickly start a new life.

If there is the slightest opportunity to change the situation and your partner, use it, only in critical cases take drastic measures. After all, your own well-being, well-being and happiness are no less important.

Dependent relationship with a man psychology