At the beginning of every relationship, a couple expects a stable and trusting relationship. But life is too complicated, and often makes adjustments to ideal plans. A girl learns about her lover’s betrayal and doesn’t know what to do if the guy cheated, but she begs for forgiveness and swears her love. They don’t teach this in school, so you’ll have to figure out the situation yourself. And we will help with this.
How to behave with a husband who cheated: 6 absolute no-nos
1. Ignore the problem
If the ostrich hides its head in the sand, the lion will still not disappear. Ignoring is not the best way to solve problems.
2. Blackmail a man
“I will forbid you to see your children if you...” Such statements are like an atomic bomb that will destroy all life, including your relationships.
3. Blame yourself
If you were cheated on, it doesn't mean you're bad. It’s just that the man’s moral compass and self-regulation skills are not good. What he did was his responsibility and choice. Family psychologist Gary Newman cites the following figures: 88% of husbands sleep with women who are no more attractive than their regular partners.
Data from dating site Ashley Madison showed that men aged 39 and 49 are the most likely to cheat. The upcoming anniversary brings sad thoughts, and men want to prove to themselves that they are still oh-so-ho
4. Communicate with your lover
This will not help, but will only irritate the mental wound. You can, of course, show up to a homewrecker with a chainsaw in one hand and a gun in the other, but the criminal code does not approve of such actions.
5. Revenge
The principle of “an eye for an eye” will not add peace of mind (except for five minutes), and it will not cure resentment.
6. Use what happened as an argument in disputes
It happens that ten years have passed, but a woman, at every convenient, and more often inconvenient, occasion, remembers betrayal - they take out a killer trump card to solve any problem. The goal is to make the husband feel guilty and break down resistance. There is zero constructiveness in this. Forgiving forever or leaving - there is no middle ground here.
Farewell letter to a loved one
If a woman decides to say goodbye to her lover, she does not have to organize a last meeting. You can express your intentions in a letter.
Important! If you have a smartphone, you can earn extra money at any time! How? Get 5 ways to earn extra money relevant for October 2019 Read →
If the reason for the breakup was a new attachment, you should frankly admit it. There is no need to blame yourself, because sometimes a person cannot cope with his feelings. The main thing is not to name names, so that the abandoned man does not start looking for his rival.
It is important to start writing text with a cool head. A letter should not be an outlet for emotions; it has a purpose. To write a good text, you should adhere to the following recommendations:
- 1. To begin with, it is better to write the letter in draft form. After this, you need to think about what points were missed and add the missing details to the main text. It is better to send the message after 1-2 days to make sure that it really contains all the thoughts that need to be conveyed to the man. Otherwise, a lengthy correspondence may begin, and this should not be allowed.
- 2. When writing a note, it is not advisable to use such cliche phrases as “you deserve more”, “we are too different people” and others. Also, there is no need to list all the grievances caused to each other in the past. You need to express your thoughts as clearly and succinctly as possible, without unnecessary emotions.
- 3. The text should not be pretentious. Most men adhere to a rational view of life and such epithets as “wonderful castle” or “lake of love” will not cause anything but bewilderment in a representative of the stronger sex.
- 4. It is worth considering the character of the addressee. If a man is irritated by diminutive words, they should not be used.
- 5. To show your best side, you should make sure that all words are written correctly and there are no typos. Handwriting should be as legible as possible.
A man cheated: how to behave and what is considered cheating
If, as in a bad joke, you return early from a business trip and find your husband with a guilty face and a naked woman in bed, the diagnosis is clear. There was sex - adultery in person. Although there are possible options here too.
For example, Bill Clinton, in his story with Monica Lewinsky, argued that oral sex is not really sex. There are heroes who do not consider a drunken night to be treason: they fell, woke up, and are not responsible. Or here’s another question: Is secretly watching porn infidelity or an innocent hobby?
A recent study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology found that most women are more upset by emotional infidelity, while men are more upset by sexual infidelity.
What if intimacy in the traditional sense didn’t happen at all? But there were meetings, intimate conversations or correspondence on social networks. Why are you upset, my dear? I was dressed! And, by the way, in the tie that you gave me. For such stories there is a term “emotional betrayal”, when a person shares his thoughts, feelings, interests not with his partner, but with someone else.
So what is real betrayal? There is no right answer. You have the right to your own author's definition of this concept. And it is important to voice it to your partner “on shore.” For example, let your loved one know that you will be uncomfortable if he starts flirting on Facebook with former classmates or regularly drinking at a bar with the same female colleague.
Do not miss
- Do not miss
They asked a psychologist: is it necessary to tell a friend that her husband is cheating on her?
Take symbolic actions
What do psychologists advise people who come to them with a desire to survive betrayal or betrayal? The main advice is to pay attention to symbolic actions. It is necessary to do what gave both partners joy when they started dating. For example, you can go for a walk in the park to feed the swans, go to a movie night, go on a picnic, or take a tent and go camping on the weekend. The most important thing is to refrain from making accusations at this time, not to talk about what happened, or better yet not to remember it at all. This will create a lot of positive memories for both partners. A strong emotional shock, which the girl and the guy will perceive as a kind of starting point from which the relationship begins with a clean slate, will not be superfluous. There are a lot of options: you can go on a trip around the world, move to another city or even country.
Is it worth admitting to cheating?
This choice is rarely up to us. You open your husband’s computer to google a mincemeat recipe, and there is a message: “I undressed, I’m waiting for you.” Or this same lady (who always undresses inappropriately) will call herself and tell everything. And yet women are divided into two opposing camps.
- Some say: “I don’t want to know anything. If he loves me, he will be able to hide everything.”
- Others, as a precaution, rummage through their loved one’s pockets, phone, and laptop.
Again, there is no “right” approach. It is important to understand which position is closer to you and announce it to the man. It is not necessary to directly say: “If you go left, do everything so that I am not aware.”
According to a survey conducted by Rutgers University, 56% of unfaithful husbands say they are quite happy with their marriage and have no intention of getting a divorce.
The reason for the conversation could be a movie or a story from the lives of friends. A remark along the lines of: “Why did he confess if he had no intention of leaving the family?” or the phrase: “If I were the heroine, I would prefer not to know” will easily convey your opinion to the addressee.
Breakup SMS
It is not advisable to write farewell letters through short messages. With the help of short messages it is difficult to explain the reason for the breakup and talk about your feelings. However, in some cases it is worth using SMS. If your ex-partner lives with relatives, a letter written on paper may fall into the hands of strangers. Message options:
- Our union did not bring happiness to any of us. We should break up.
- I don't want to date a married man anymore. I suggest we break up.
- I know about your betrayal. We shouldn't be dating.
- I met the woman of my dreams. I hope you understand and won't be angry.
Is it necessary to forgive betrayal?
This is the most important question that a woman needs to deal with when she finds out about her lover’s infidelity. People often come to a psychologist with the request: “My husband is cheating, what should I do, how should I behave?” and are waiting for ready-made advice. Not every woman will have her own answer, and it will not come quickly.
A decision may take weeks or even months, and you must be prepared for it to change ten times a day. Only you yourself can understand how much this betrayal hurt you, whether you want to continue to be with this person and whether you can trust him again.
Do not miss
- Do not miss
Not only betrayals: 5 types of betrayals in family life
Many take the position “I must save the family at any cost for the sake of the children” and remain with the cheater, never forgiving him. But experts believe that no one can say with one hundred percent certainty that such a choice will actually be correct for the children themselves. We still cannot think for another person, even a small one.
It is much safer to focus on your feelings. It would be better for mom and dad to be happy alone than to be unhappy together. Often, as adults, children remember their parents’ divorce with relief: “The scandals have finally stopped.” Therefore, it is worth saving the family only for its own sake.
Work most often becomes a place of temptation for men. A University of Washington study found that 62% of husbands cheated on their wives with coworkers they met in the office.
Straight Talk
Talk. Talk to him about how you feel. Talk about what you want. Talk about what he wants. Talk to him about everything! If the discussion is open and honest, there will never be any unpleasant surprises. You should both understand that a trusting relationship is important for the peace of mind of both partners, for raising children and for the prosperity of the family. Mutual trust is the basis of any relationship. Husband and wife are no exception.
If you decide to let your loved one go, try to forgive and not blame, but accept him as he is.
How to regain trust: 4 steps to happiness
It collapses once or twice, and restoration work takes a lot of time. How can we speed up this long-term construction?
You need to understand that betrayal is a common problem and will have to be solved together. The position “now you will crawl on your knees in front of me, beg for forgiveness and do everything I say” is unlikely to help restore the relationship.
It's important to hear each other
Openly, trying not to attack your husband, tell him how his infidelity hurt you. Speak in such a way that he does not go on the defensive. Don't ask him for details. If you hear a report about where, when and in what position, it definitely won’t get any easier!
Ask questions
It may be worth asking “why?”, but be prepared for the fact that they won’t tell you anything intelligible. “I fight because I fight!” - that's the whole explanation. But if your husband is trying to analyze what exactly he was missing, think together about how to fill in the gaps.
Do not miss
- Do not miss
It's over: how long will you suffer after divorce?
Ask to be more open
A man who seriously intends to maintain a relationship must understand that now he will have to become more “transparent”. This means calling if he’s delayed, spending more time at home (and less time on the Internet), telling him where he’s going and with whom.
If he is not ready for such steps, then he is unlikely to understand the seriousness of the situation. It would be strange if a week after the betrayal came to light, the husband went fishing with his friends for the whole weekend. But a woman shouldn’t go too far. You cannot deprive a person of the right to personal space, prohibit him from meeting with friends, or require passwords for email and social network accounts.
Get closer to each other
To restore former intimacy, psychologists advise staying alone more often and finding something to do together. It’s good if it’s body-oriented, like dancing or pair yoga. But this is optional. Remember what you did at the beginning of the relationship: how you had fun, what you talked about, who you talked to.
Try, like in the old days, to pay more attention to each other. It may turn out that you have nothing to talk about, and there are no common interests left. In this case, it will be easier for you to decide to break up. And, whatever one may say, a negative result is also a result. And also important.
Photo: ShutterStock/Fotodom.ru
What absolutely should not be done when you find out that your husband is cheating
© tommaso79/Getty Images
Suffer
You should not pretend to be a victim and constantly keep silent about the fact that you are aware of the betrayal. Having, for example, a weak psyche, you can torment yourself to such an extent that health problems may even begin, including prolonged depression.
Complain
If you start complaining to everyone, then your relatives, friends and other “well-wishers” may advise you of various nonsense, for example, to cut off from the shoulder and file for divorce without finding out all the circumstances and reasons. After all, you need to take into account that the people to whom you complain will definitely be on your side, which means they will not be able to assess this situation objectively.
Tips for girls
If you feel some kind of discord, some wrong feelings for the other guy, or have stopped receiving proper attention from your significant other, talk to him. The only thing that will 100% protect both parties from betrayal, disagreements, and troubles is conversations. It’s not necessary to sit down in the evening like in a movie and discuss who is dissatisfied with what. If you can’t say, write. The most important thing is to convey the idea, but how is completely unimportant.
Learn to say “forgive me.” This applies to people of any gender. If a quarrel occurs, do not bring it to an end. It’s better to stop in time and say “I love you.” It is conflicts and cooled relationships that lead to betrayal.
