For better or worse, self-doubt is part of most people's reality. While others' lives often seem easy and flawless, sometimes we become unsure whether we are in the right job or in the right partnership.
Is it possible to overcome self-doubt - at least if it becomes truly pathological? If so, how? Can uncertainty be positive or will it still lead to depression? Let's take a closer look at the answers to these questions.
What are the causes of self-doubt?
There are phases in our lives when everything works on its own and there is really no reason to doubt it. But sometimes we get confused by certain events or changes. And they don’t necessarily have to be negative. Take, for example, the birth of a child. A reason for happiness, but often also a reason for self-doubt: am I doing everything right? Am I a good mother or a good father?
Doubts can arise when we encounter new problems that we are not yet aware of. Can we cope with them and how can we deal with them?
In any case, we usually have certain requirements and ideas about what we should really be. But in new situations it is necessary to evaluate our reactions and abilities in order to then trust them - therefore doubts are inevitable.
External influences and stress factors
Also, the reasons may be unfavorable external circumstances that cause us excessive self-doubt: a job in which we are not successful because we do not like it, or a conflictual partnership in which the other half is no longer attractive.
Lack of self-confidence can also be accompanied by stress and excessive demands when we find that we can no longer do the things we used to cope with. The tendency towards perfectionism is also a negative factor.
Me and others
Another reason for self-doubt is other people - more precisely, what we attribute to them or what we take to heart. It could be a look, perhaps an insensitive comment or openly expressed criticism. We just can't stop thinking about what's "wrong" with us. The reason for this is that we want to please others, because in most cases we are unconsciously afraid that otherwise people may turn away and we will be left alone later in life. This fear of being alone is as old as humanity itself.
“I want, but I’m afraid”: 5 steps to cope with fear and take action
Financial thinking coach and mentor to entrepreneurs Ekaterina Vlasova tells how to stop fighting fears and start doing what you really want.
Step 1. Look into the eyes of what scares you
Fear is designed by nature as the most effective mechanism of self-preservation, and we - instead of using fear for its intended purpose - try to defeat it. Whatever we fear, fear is always directed at something specific. But until we realize what exactly it is, we cannot defend ourselves and enter into a meaningless shadow fight.
Therefore, first of all, it is important to write down your fears. For example:
It's scary to leave your job and start your own business. What if I can’t and have nothing to support my family?
It's scary to loosen control and delegate what you used to do yourself. What if everything stops working?
It's scary to speak in front of a large audience. What if I make a mistake and they laugh at me?
The more specific you are about your fear, the more effective a “cure” you can find to neutralize it.
Step 2: Understand why you benefit from being afraid.
The world is not divided into black and white - there are pros and cons in every situation. It’s the same with fears: in addition to the obvious inconveniences (for example, they interfere with the fulfillment of desires, they are unpleasant to experience), they also have benefits for us. Most often hidden.
Let me give two examples:
Fears give us the opportunity NOT to do.
Let's say, if I'm afraid to do live broadcasts, I don't do them. And since I don’t spend time, it means I don’t have to study oratory skills and don’t prepare for speeches - this way I have more free time for other tasks.
Fear gives us the opportunity to feel the “peppercorn” - good stress.
I can put off a work task until the last minute - not think about it all week, and then sit down the evening before the deadline and complete everything by the morning deadline. The fear of not being on time stimulates my brain activity, and I generate more cool ideas. The main thing here is to properly manage stress without driving yourself to panic.
To find the benefits of your fears, write down next to each thing that is pleasant, useful, and necessary happens in your life only because you are afraid of what you are afraid of (endure what you endure; have what you have, and so on). First, let's look at the fears and benefits from them.
Fear of leaving employment and starting your own business. What if I can’t and have nothing to support my family?
I don’t take risks and don’t take on the responsibility of an entrepreneur;
There is stability - I receive a salary every month;
I don’t have to learn new skills to run a business, so I have free time for relaxation and family.
Fear of losing control and delegating what you previously did yourself. What if everything falls apart?
I don’t depend on other people;
Protected from change and new ideas;
I can act according to the rules, without changing anything either in myself or in my work processes.
Fear of speaking in front of a large audience. What if I make a mistake and they laugh at me?
I don't risk my reputation;
I can remain at the same level without working on myself;
I don’t risk receiving negative reviews and condemnation.
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Step 3: Find the real cause of your fear
When working with fears, it is very important to clarify what exactly you are afraid of facing. For example, when we are afraid to speak in public, the basis is not the fear of the mistake itself, but the fear of other people’s assessments - condemnation, shame.
When do we fear this? When you have formed a certain image of yourself in your head: “I am a great specialist / an intelligent person / a professional with a capital P.” And the fear of losing this ideal image is so strong that it outweighs the desire to become an expert, share knowledge, and increase income.
The focus shifts from goal to fear, and instead of developing and moving forward, we spend energy only on maintaining our status - it’s better to remain silent than to disgrace ourselves.
It seems that this approach is associated with self-doubt, although in fact the reason is the opposite: inflated self-esteem. We are so confident in our superiority over others that we strive for something that a living person is, in principle, incapable of: never making mistakes.
But difficulties and mistakes on the way to achieving goals are a normal course of life. If they are not there, then we are setting ourselves subjectively easy tasks. And easy tasks will not lead to great results.
If you find yourself holding on to the perfect image, know that the price is too high. In this situation, the “one wallet” principle applies: we have a limited amount of resources (time/money/energy) at our disposal, and if we spend them on maintaining our image, then these resources will not be enough for something really important.
The sooner you part with the ideal image and allow yourself to make mistakes, the sooner you will get what you really dream about. To do this, next to each fear, write down what you are really afraid of.
Fear of leaving employment and starting your own business. What if I can’t and have nothing to support my family?
I'm afraid to make a mistake, to disgrace myself - to look weak, stupid;
I'm afraid to take responsibility for solving new problems;
I’m afraid to learn new things in case it turns out that no one needs my skills.
Fear of losing control and delegating what you previously did yourself. What if it doesn't work out?
I'm afraid of being disappointed in people and having negative experiences;
I'm afraid to leave my comfort zone and look for new solutions.
Fear of speaking in front of a large audience. What if I make a mistake and they laugh at me?
I'm afraid to make a mistake and disgrace myself;
I'm afraid that everyone will see my incompetence.
I'm afraid that the audience will have questions, and I won't be able to answer them;
Step 4. Think about a way out of the situation
How will you react and what to do if your fear comes true? Make a list of possible solutions to the fears, benefits and reasons already listed above.
Fear of leaving employment and starting your own business. What if I can’t and have nothing to support my family?
I will return to my previous job;
I will send my resume to other companies;
I’ll borrow money from my mother;
sell things/jewelry;
I'll take out a loan.
Fear of losing control and delegating what you previously did yourself. What if it doesn't work out?
I will ask for advice from managers who were able to assemble a strong team;
I will ask for advice from managers who were able to assemble a strong team;
I will undergo delegation training;
I'll draw conclusions from the mistakes and try again.
Fear of speaking in front of a large audience. What if I make a mistake and they laugh at me?
I’ll ask for support, joke and kindly laugh at myself - it doesn’t happen to anyone;
I will soberly evaluate my performance and understand what skills I need to develop;
I will carefully prepare for the speech with a speech coach.
The more solutions you generate, the less you will be afraid and will understand that control over the situation is in your hands.
Step 5: Create your own cure for fear.
Why do you think some wishes come true and others don’t? My observation: because there are different options for desire:
- some are from the category “I would like”, “I would like”, “It would be nice” and so on;
- others are from the category “I really want this”, “I will do everything so that I have this”. Do you feel the difference?
No fear can stop a truly strong desire. If fear wins, it means your desire was not so strong.
Remember a situation when you really wanted something or even felt a vital need for it. Were you afraid to take action towards that “I want”? You may have been apprehensive, worried, worried - and that's normal. But I'm sure you acted anyway. After all, when desires are strong, fear is just reasonable caution. In all other cases, he controls our life and becomes its master.
Think about what desire your fear is preventing you from realizing? What do you really want? When you think about what do you immediately feel a surge of strength and inspiration? Write answers for each fear.
Fear of leaving employment and starting your own business. What if I can’t and have nothing to support my family?
Do what you love, get pleasure, recognition
Earn “no ceiling” on income;
Work with those I want and shape my own environment.
Fear of losing control and delegating what you previously did yourself. What if it doesn't work out?
Dedicate more time to yourself and family;
Increase income
Get tired less, do only important and favorite things
Fear of speaking in front of a large audience. What if I make a mistake and they laugh at me?
Become a sought-after expert;
Get recognition and promotion;
Confidently speak in front of an audience of thousands.
The expression “I really want this, but I’m afraid” from Russian into Russian is simply translated as “I don’t want this enough.”
And here there are two options:
- reduce fear - write down possible solutions, break a big plan into small steps, find ways to protect yourself;
- strengthen your “I want” - find a desire that outweighs fear.
Remember - fear has power over us only until there is a strong enough “I want” for the sake of which this fear can be overcome.
Do you have positive self-doubts?
Imagine losing your ability to doubt yourself. You believe that everything you do is correct, you completely trust your knowledge and abilities, and what other people think and say does not affect you.
What will be the consequences?
Your personal development probably won't move forward because you don't see the need to learn anything at this level. You may also be less understanding of other people if they tell you about their doubts. In addition, the positive experience will disappear when only confidence exists, and you will notice: I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t!
The desire to get rid of all self-doubt is an understandable desire initially, but is not a recommended solution when considering the problem further.
Because healthy self-esteem gives us the opportunity to develop, learn about ourselves, increase our confidence and communicate with other people.
How to get rid of fear and uncertainty using hypnosis?
In the unconscious of a person, not only the causes of his problems are hidden, but also the solutions to his problems. Hypnosis will help you activate your internal resources to develop confidence. Hypnotherapy allows you to:
- eliminate negative experiences from childhood;
- change negative attitudes to positive ones;
- form a positive reflex to situations that cause fear;
- model a more optimistic perception of the future.
Try listening to an audio recording with hypnotic suggestions:
There are no pills to give you confidence. Therefore, get ready for serious and interesting work on yourself under the guidance of a psychologist or hypnologist.
How to overcome fear of others?
Almost always: it is the dose that determines the poison. When a cluster of problems and doubts grows, this is no longer a positive experience. And we simply cannot get rid of the fear of others, and everything becomes bad for us. Then self-doubt can turn into a real reproach, which is often accompanied by constant negative thoughts. So what can we do when our self-doubts become too strong? The following 2 methods are suggested for you.
Method 1: Unmasking thoughts of self-doubt
When we are stuck in self-doubt, we are consumed by thoughts only about possible negative experiences - we constantly think. Nothing more. People in our thoughts, what they say in our imagination or think, memories, possible future scenarios, our ideas and demands - all this exists only in our head. It's like we're watching a movie that captivates us and excites us emotionally, even though it's not real.
Learn to be brave
Shyness is the exact opposite of confidence. So, if you strive to be a confident person, then you must have the determination to do what you are afraid of. For example, giving a speech in front of a large audience. However, before you do this, you need to set yourself up properly, encourage yourself, tell yourself: “I will do it.” This will help you be more courageous and confident. The more often you try to deal with your shortcomings, the closer you become to your goal - to stop being a shy person.
Imagine yourself overcoming an obstacle
Positive thinking and visualizing obstacles help to cope with the fear of failure. Think about a situation in which you are afraid of not succeeding. Imagine how you are faced with problems, experience the emotions that they can cause in you.
See also: Diagnostics of personal effectiveness
Then mentally move forward. Take a few minutes to plan your actions: what will you do to overcome the difficulties? Play it out and relive the whole situation in your imagination. Such exercises help dispel anxiety. Listen to yourself - you will probably find that the fear of failure is no longer felt so sharply.
Practical exercises
Confidence doesn't make up for a lack of skill or hard work, but it does help enhance those qualities to get you further than you could have achieved without it.
The numbers don't lie. Confident employees have, on average, 22% more sales than their less confident colleagues. And confident people are 24% more likely to overcome challenges at work. That's like telling a zebra to "be purple," right?
It turns out that you can learn to be more confident if you follow these simple tips every day:
What's causing concern
The main factors that provoke increased anxiety in us: loneliness, problems at work, problems in relationships, health, environment and various kinds of conflicts.
Our lifestyle also has a big influence. For example, we are more likely to experience anxiety if we are constantly on the phone or watching the news on TV. Digital progress has certainly made our lives faster and better, but for this comfort we pay with an additional level of stress, new fears and complexes due to the large flow of news.
Try to minimize the number of hours spent on the Internet. Walk outdoors, read, do yoga, cook, cross-knit, build LEGOs - there are many more options than you might think.
Make sure you're really afraid
Sometimes fear is simply misunderstood arousal, since these physiological reactions are very similar. Fear can not only restrain, but also motivate. Rate what
you feel now. For example, you may be afraid, but at the same time feel a desire to act - most likely this is motivating excitement. Conversely, when you are afraid and want to give up because of it, you are probably faced with a fear of failure. If the second option turns out to be closer to you, try to consciously reformat it, turn fear into a positive reaction.
Other people don't think about you at all
I'm also a shy girl and I've always wanted to change that. Every time I have to say even a couple of sentences in front of a large group of people, I say to myself:
They are strangers to you, they know absolutely nothing about you. It is unlikely that they will remember your name or recognize you after a couple of days on the street. Even if you do something wrong, they will just laugh and forget about it in a minute.
This may seem too simple and naive, but it really works, at least for me. For example, I don’t speak English very well, but I can focus on the main goal - to convey my idea to people and try not to pay attention to my mistakes.
Stages of Anxiety
- Anticipation anxiety.
People suffer who foresee the most unfavorable of all possible situations. Such anxiety can appear at isolated moments or haunt a person constantly.
— Anxiety in the form of phobias is associated with certain situations and objects. For example, fear of loneliness, spiders or the dark. It may be a clinical case if it manifests itself in the form of panic attacks.
- Neurotic anxiety. This form of anxiety is the most serious and is found in many psychological diseases: hysterical, schizoid. There is a pathological level of fear here that destroys a person’s mental health.
Right now the entire planet is in fear of anticipation due to the incessant flow of news and uncertainty. “Fear of waiting” or “free fear” is formed due to the information flow in which we are constantly immersed. Below we will describe tools that help cope with situational anxiety that has no connection with clinical cases.
Know how to relax in any situation.
If you feel that at important moments in life (at an interview, speaking in front of an audience) you cannot control yourself and worry until your knees tremble, learn to manage your emotions. To master this skill, you need to practice. There are a number of special psychological techniques for this. And which one to choose for yourself is up to you. One of the simple options is to abstract yourself, imagine yourself in a different, most comfortable situation for yourself.
4.You are definitely capable of more
Maria's parents always had pessimistic views on life. They never allowed their daughter to even dream of a prosperous and successful life. On the contrary, they instilled in her that “every cricket should know its nest,” “one should enjoy little things and not demand more from life.” As an adult, Maria never dared to go to college or quit her unfulfilling job.
Our internal ideas force us to change, grow and look for ways to develop. But to build these ideas, we need parents who will encourage us to listen to our desires.
Parents have their own path in life. Perhaps when they were young, changing jobs really was too much of a shock. But you don't have to inherit their fears and insecurities. You have your own life, in which there are many opportunities to become happier.
