How to stop judging people - what is the fear of judgment and how to learn not to judge others

We are all afraid of being judged. But we ourselves judge all the time. What is the nature of condemnation, why is it so difficult to control and correct? Opinion of psychotherapist, researcher at the Federal Institute for Educational Development Marina Filonik.

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It is difficult to meet a person who would never worry about “what will they think of me?” The opinion of others about us is important to us, and sometimes we may be overcome by fear before meeting a significant, authoritative person - what will he say, how will he look, how will he evaluate... But what exactly are we afraid of? Usually it is condemnation.

It is very unpleasant to feel when you are being judged, you want to fall into the ground, or, conversely, begin to aggressively prove that I am not what you think of me (and in general - look at yourself first!), or start making excuses, trying to achieve understanding. Sometimes, in response to condemnation, a desperate cry may be born: I’m not just behaving this way, I have reasons, circumstances that you don’t know, I’m not what you think of me, I’m not like that! It’s an extremely uncomfortable state, which is why it’s so difficult to communicate with people about whom you know that they always judge everyone - including me, although maybe not to my face, but behind my eyes - and it’s still unknown which is worse.

And yet, we often ourselves judge others. This happens in different ways: someone is convinced that he is right, because he condemns “objective evil”, he is unshakable in his verdict and is pleased with his condemnation as a manifestation of the voice of truth in our terrible world. Someone does not want to condemn, he himself suffers from this, condemns his own condemnation, but time after time he finds himself already condemning and cannot help himself.

What is the nature of this phenomenon, why do we condemn, what does it give us, and what can we do to control our condemnation and even reduce it?

Convict, stand up!

The very word “conviction” refers to the metaphor of a court, when there is a defendant, a prosecutor, a lawyer and a judge who pronounces a sentence. After all, condemnation is born precisely from within the logic of legal thinking, when there is a law and its violation, there is “right” and “wrong.” And then the one who does not comply with the law is a transgressor and is judged. Legalism as a way of thinking, as an element of a worldview, as a way of treating ourselves and others is deeply rooted in our consciousness. From childhood, a child masters systems of norms and rules, learns what is good and what is bad. An adult, guided by principles, incl. moral, ethical, has one or another evaluation system on which it relies - this is the normal course of things.

But it is precisely the juridicalism of thinking that makes condemnation possible: I know what is right, I follow the “law”, but you don’t, therefore, I am good and you are bad. A striking example is the phenomenon of Pharisaism.

Condemnation is a way of self-affirmation at the expense of another

Juridical thinking is formed in us from childhood. A person who judges others usually has a very serious deficit in self-acceptance and self-worth. The roots of this deficit usually lie in childhood, when parents did not give the child enough feeling that he is valuable, important, needed, loved simply because he exists, and not because he now behaves well, gets straight A’s, etc. And then, to compensate for this deficit, he needs to “gain” his value in any way. One of them is condemnation of the other. After all, if the other person is “such a fool,” I, a priori, against this background, “will be smarter.”

The opposite is also true - one who accepts himself, who has a basic sense of his own worth, regardless of what he does or does not do, such a person turns out to be quite internally free, he does not need to seek confirmation of his own importance, goodness by judging others. That is, in principle, such a need does not arise; he does not need to exalt himself over someone, to assert himself.

As a rule, a basic sense of self-worth is established very early, but this does not mean that nothing can be changed later in life. It also happens the other way around, when stability, the ability to rely on oneself, along with the ability to accept oneself, can be shaken in an adult as a result of strong traumatic experiences.

So, condemnation provides a very important benefit - the feeling that I am better than others, that I am not like them, this is a kind of way of self-affirmation. But there are other ways to do this, so why do we so often resort to condemnation? Most often, this habit is formed in childhood and, oddly enough, not without the help of parents.

How to deal with the fear of criticism and ridicule from others

Enissophobia is not the most typical type of phobia. This is a very complex disorder, most often accompanied by other psychological problems. You can help yourself on your own in the initial stages, in not the most advanced cases, but it is very difficult, since we have already mentioned that the roots of the disorder are laid in early childhood, and by the time you grow up, enissophobia is already in full bloom. Therefore, it is better to contact a psychologist and get professional help.

In order to get rid of this fear, you need to work with self-esteem, fight your complexes and allow yourself to make mistakes. First of all, it is important to understand that constructive criticism is very important for personal development. It helps you correct mistakes, achieve your goals and improve. And in order to distinguish objective criticism from negative, you will have to take control of yourself and your self-esteem. The main work will be with these problems:

shyness, timidity in words, behavior, body movements, voice, emotions;
weakness of will and weak character;
fear of refusal, inability to say “No” and build personal boundaries;
indecision and lack of initiative;
desire to imitate other people;
the need to consult on every trifle.

These behavioral patterns need to be worked out and eradicated. But the main task will be to identify the causes of fear and the presence of psychological trauma. As you know, for any psychological deviation you must first find the root, the beginning. Understand its cause, determine its consequences, and only then treat it. A psychologist will help with this.

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A person is not equal to his actions

Firstly, voluntarily or involuntarily, a child copies the behavior of his parents and, if he sees condemnation of others in the family, hears from adults how they discuss and condemn their acquaintances, then he automatically adopts this as the norm, as a usual way of talking about someone who he doesn't like something.

Therefore, parents, first of all, must take care of themselves. After all, such things as family scenarios, parental behavior patterns, their relationships to other people, to the world around them are also inherited. The habit of condemning is one of the phenomena in this series.

Taking care of yourself is the right thing, but not easy. You can start by trying to monitor your speech (for starters, even if only in front of children), at least at the level of external manifestations, not to broadcast your condemnation, which lives in the heart.

Secondly, parents sometimes, often without knowing it themselves, instill in their child the very logic of jurisprudence. For example, when they compare their child with other children, thinking that this is a good educational technique. Moreover, they can compare both not in favor of their baby, which is especially traumatic for the child, and, on the contrary, praising him in comparison with other children. The mother of one of my clients told her as a child: “You are so ugly, fat, not at all like other girls, like, for example, Lenochka, your friend is such a beauty.” It is clear that such things cannot be said to a child in principle, because he learns that as he is, he is terrible and unloved, he must be different in order to be loved, but he has no idea how to do this.

There are easier versions: “You got a C again, are you stupid? Look how your friends are studying, and who are you like, stupid!” At this moment, the parent may have the best intentions: to use friends as an example in order to shame the child and thus stimulate him to study better. (By the way, shame is one of the worst motivations, but this is a topic for another discussion).

But, in addition to the fact that the child, again, feels that he is bad, he also learns the very way of thinking, in which the value of a person is measured by his deeds (school grades, for example), that is, a person and an action are equated. “Got a bad grade” equals “you’re stupid.” A similar thing happens when they want to praise, support, encourage a child and for this they compare him with others, for example, like this: “You are so smart, you brought an A again, not like your friend Vasya, such a stupid boy.”

This may be pleasant for the child and, quite possibly, such motivation will be effective. But what model of thinking about himself and about others does he adopt? A person’s value is equal to his achievements (I am good, he is bad, depending on grades at school). You have to be better than others. It's normal to compare yourself to others and thereby gain a pleasant feeling of importance.

Marina Filonik, psychotherapist, researcher at the Federal Institute for Educational Development
Photo from co-experiencing.org

Love me black (if you can’t, don’t judge me)

How to support your baby, how to praise him? And how to scold and punish? The separation of person and action is very important. Comparing different children is much worse than comparing their different manifestations. But it's even better to compare your child's achievements in the past with his achievements now. For example: “How great, look, before you couldn’t clean the bed so neatly, but now it comes out so beautifully, not a single wrinkle.” Here the action is evaluated, not the child, and the action is also praised, not the person, which becomes a prevention of the development of conceit and unhealthy pride in the child.

It’s also important to talk about your feelings instead of judging a person, for example, say: “I’m upset that you got a bad mark, let’s think about what we can do to make you do better,” and not: “how hopeless you are.” C student! Offering help is also important so that the child does not find himself alone with his problem, which he himself may not know how to fix.

Try saying the above (and below) phrases to yourself and feel the difference - what it would be like for you to hear one or another of the lines described in this article.

Condemnation is only one form of compensation for the lack of a sense of value and self-acceptance. If a person has a hunger for love and acceptance, he can try to satisfy it with a variety of surrogates: promiscuous sexual relationships, boasting and vanity, an endless race for achievements (workaholism), etc. - and all this in order to feel their value and significance, which were not formed in childhood. What's the matter? - some parents will be indignant, - after all, we love our children so much! It is very important that the child feels that he is loved regardless of his actions and behavior.

There is a wonderful formula from the founder of humanistic psychotherapy, Carl Rogers: “I love you, but what you do upsets me.” It is important to tell your child more often: “we love you”, “how good it is that you are who you are”, “we were waiting for you and wanted you”, etc. That is, to give confirmation that he is valuable, important, loved simply because he exists, regardless of his deeds and achievements. And when you want to express criticism, do not forget about the beginning of Rogers’ formula - the prefix “I love you.” This is important in any relationship, not only with children, but also with spouses, friends, and loved ones. And this can also help to grow out of the habit of judging. Because if I know in my gut that I am loved, that I am good, then the achievements of others will not cause me to be inappropriately competitive, angry, or, conversely, depressed.

How fear of disapproval is ruining your life

The consequences of fear of other people's criticism can be terrible and even irreversible, because a person’s inner world is destroyed. He stops developing as a person and cannot experience joy and happiness in everyday life. Such people become shy, timid, even by body movements this can become noticeable. Weakness of character, inability to make decisions, lack of opinion, confidence and initiative.

A person does not live his own life, forgetting about his true desires and goals. He does not express his ideas and always remains in the shadow of his more daring colleagues, does not participate in competitions and contests. Just as such individuals rarely achieve success in their professional activities, failures often await them in the personal sphere.

We recommend an interesting article “Victim behavior”

Quote If you measure your success by the measure of others' praise and blame, your anxiety will be endless.

Lao Tzu

“You must, and therefore you can” is another reason for condemnation

The logic of jurisprudence gives rise to the myth of omnipotence and obligation, that is, the belief that others can and should behave differently. Moreover, the category of “behavior” includes not only behavioral manifestations, but sometimes even thoughts and feelings.

Why is the neighbor yelling at his wife and children again, how angry and aggressive he is! And his wife again froze and was silent, a gray mouse, unable to protect herself or the children. And this one got drunk again - he’s a disgusting drunkard, but he promised to quit! And this one is again fawning and currying favor with everyone, a slippery person, you can’t trust her. Etc. and so on. – everyone here can offer their own list.

But they are all born from the belief that the other could (think, feel, behave) differently, but does not. That's why he's guilty, that's why he's bad. At the same time, I decide what the other can and should do. And, of course, I again turn out to be better than him, who should, could, but did not. The trick is that the demands are usually extremely reasonable and even objectively good. And then it is very difficult to admit the incorrectness of your judgments, because they are based on seemingly objective truth.

For example, I believe that a husband should not yell at his wife and children, and therefore I condemn my neighbor. But at the same time, I don’t think about why he screams, what the situation is in the family, what kind of relationship the husband and wife have, what their characters are, what they both endured, etc. I apply a rule, no matter how beautiful, without regard to the individual and his individual circumstances. Or maybe this husband was very tired at work, came home hungry and angry, and at that moment his wife began to demand something... and at some point he was overcome by such anger that he could no longer restrain himself. If we ourselves have experienced strong anger or been overwhelmed by some other affect, then we can remember how unable (we cannot) control ourselves at such moments, how poorly we think, etc. – in a person’s affect “carries.” And then it is impossible to say that in this state he can behave differently - immediately calm down, pull himself together, order himself, for example, to get angry. It can’t - alas. Which means it shouldn't. Because a person should just do what he can. It is possible to discuss whether a person should do something or not only after there is confidence that he can do it.

This is the basis of the golden rule: condemn the action, but do not condemn the person. Any example can be analyzed using this diagram. We judge and therefore demand that the other act differently. This means that he can do it differently - but this is not a fact. The belief that others can and should behave differently underlies the feeling of resentment, and a similar demand on oneself gives rise to an unhealthy feeling of guilt. After all, if I can and should, but I don’t, then I’m guilty. But can I?

Usually, the given logic of debunking the myth of omnipotence and obligation causes a lot of controversy and resistance among most people when they first meet them. I would like to think that a person (including myself) can do a lot of things. Otherwise, how can we live? Well, I can’t and don’t mean anything in this world? Am I just a cog, do emotions and circumstances control me? But a person can fly into space, invent cures for terrible diseases, write wonderful poems, and at the same time cannot stop drinking, shouting at loved ones and... stop judging.

The myth of omnipotence usually extends to both oneself and others. And here we come to a very important point. The point is that how we treat ourselves is how we treat others. The relationship model is the same. If it is legal, if there is no place for acceptance and love in it, but there are only demands to comply, observe, fulfill, etc., then it easily gives rise to condemnation - both of oneself and of others. If for me the value of a person is measured by his actions, then I apply this scheme not only to others, but also to myself.

Is it possible to change this scheme? It is interesting that if you try to change your attitude towards yourself, your attitude towards others will also change: movement towards the same goal - greater understanding that the other (or I) cannot do something, and, accordingly, greater acceptance and non-judgment.

Photo from pravmir.ru

By which court you judge, by which you will be condemned.

The logic of judgment and law can be contrasted with the logic of illness and healing. The doctor does not judge the patient for his illness (normally), he sympathizes with him and treats him. Illness is not a fault, but a misfortune, and this is a very important statement for our topic. It is usually clear that a person is not to blame for his physical illness, although there may be disputes here, they say, he should have led a healthy lifestyle, etc. But if we are talking not only about the body, but about the behavior, feelings, beliefs of other people, then we can easily attribute guilt and condemn the scoundrel. Again - the myth of omnipotence and obligation.

I personally am taught not to judge by many years of experience working with clients, when I am able to “look behind the scenes” of the soul, to see what are the reasons why a person behaves in one way or another. A client comes, rants and rants, hates everyone, everyone is an enemy, everyone is against him - it would seem to be horror, horror, how is this possible and what does he even allow himself to do! But then you find out how his parents beat him as a child, how he lived in constant fear that now his father would come home, and it was unknown what mood he would be in and what to expect from him. And the mother will not protect, but perhaps will encourage the father’s punishment.

And then you understand that this person grew up in an atmosphere of total insecurity, and now he expects tricks and attacks from everyone, because he simply does not know any other attitude, he has never met. And how can we condemn him after this? One can only feel sorry for him and be horrified with him at his past. And if one, two, three clients had special circumstances, then how do I know why a stranger on the street or a neighbor behaves this way or that? And gradually this attitude towards others began to be transferred to an attitude towards oneself, which was more understanding and accepting, which, in turn, affects relationships towards others, etc. - round.

Thus, legal thinking can be contrasted with medical thinking, which is much more humanistic.

Summary

Fear of judgment from others, a painful reaction to criticism is low self-esteem. Moreover, this fear has been genetically embedded in us since the time of the first people. We are social animals and it is important for us to be accepted by our group. But there is a big difference between a healthy desire to conform to the accepted norm and the fear that others will condemn any of your actions, especially a mistake. It is possible and necessary to overcome this fear. Stop connecting your value to the opinions of others. Criticism and condemnation have power over you only in one case, if you yourself believe in it. Value yourself much higher than public conversations.

If you do not fit into the “correct” parameters of ideal people, then this does not make you unworthy and bad. Each person is an individual and has every right to his own opinion and lifestyle, as long as it does not harm other people.

The information presented in this material is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional advice from a physician. If you suffer from fear of being judged, consult a specialist!

Author: Editorial staff of the Help-Point.net portal

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