How long does it really take to get over a breakup with someone you previously loved? There is no consensus among relationship experts. For example, some people believe that it will take you half the time you spent with your loved one to return to a “normal” life. What do you think about it?
This kind of thinking means that if you've only been dating someone for six months, after three months you won't feel even a little upset. But if you've been with someone for, say, 10 years, you're going to experience five long years of pain and grief, multiple attempts to get back on your feet and move on with your life.
Alternative
There's another theory: According to research conducted by OnePoll, everyone will spend an average of 18 months of their lives dealing with the pain of separation from the people they love. Don't you think such a period is quite short? One of my friends shared that between the ages of 18 and 25 she experienced more than five breakups, and given that most often the initiator of the breakup was others, this was a shock to her. This is the psychology of our life.
Relevance
Relationship expert Susan Winter shares, “The time it takes to get over a breakup depends on several factors.” She continues: “What matters is how central your partner was in your life, whether you were serious about the relationship, whether any promises were made, and whether you needed him or her deeply.”
Winter continues, “If your partner touched your heart and you were the perfect match, it may take at least six months (or more) to grieve and regroup. It may take a whole year to forget this person.”
But one more detail cannot be ignored. Which one? If your relationship was official, now you need to file for divorce or child custody. What does this mean? You will have to endure the time it takes to go through this entire process, be in touch with your ex, and even sometimes on a regular basis. In such cases, separation can be even more difficult and lengthy. Winter points out, "Every time you need to see your ex all the time, it's like the clock resets, which makes the breakup even more painful."
Is it possible to quickly overcome attachment if you break up?
It is always difficult to erase from life someone who has become a full part of it . Parting is especially difficult after many years of living together, when people become attached to each other and actually become one. The impact can be so strong that the imprint will remain for life.
If you want to let go of love, the main difficulty will be the realization that now the relationship is no longer a source of happiness, carefree and joy. This is an act of maturity and a realistic approach to the situation.
It’s not uncommon to see relationships between friends, parents or acquaintances that make you wonder: how is it possible that they are still together? The answer is simple: in most cases, relationships are held and cemented not by love, but by habit and fear of change . This is why it is so difficult to overcome attachment after the end of a relationship.
It is always difficult to experience a breakup with a loved one also for material reasons, for example, if a man and woman were officially married. Only with time will the realization come that the situation is not critical at all. Dwelling on the breakup leads to deep self-reflection.
In trying to understand what is wrong, a person can completely withdraw into himself. In this case, you may need the help of a qualified specialist. The main thing to do is to accept the fact that life is a fleeting, constantly changing phenomenon. And to stay in good shape, you need to move with her.
Various parts
When it comes to how to cope with a breakup with someone you loved deeply, nothing can be said with absolute certainty. Especially if you have placed all your hopes, dreams and plans on this person. In this case, the pain may not go away even after a long period of time. This means that the recovery process will be long and difficult.
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Susan Winter continues: “If your ex was a dominant figure in your life, his absence can feel like you've been stripped of everything you wanted and that brought you joy. It cannot simply be deleted or erased like a file or folder on a computer. This is life, feelings, love. It's especially difficult if you were dependent on him financially, emotionally or socially."
Psychotherapist Leslie Wish sums it up: “It's more than normal to feel sad after the loss of a relationship. It’s impossible to immediately continue living your life as if nothing happened.” What do those who have experienced painful breakups say? Let's find out.
How to forget your ex QUICKLY? –Method 5
The desire to quickly get rid of thoughts about your ex speaks of a heavy burden for the psyche. If you want it quickly, it means you don’t want to suffer and experience this torment.
I said above that it is better to accept suffering as part of your life and then you will leave the relationship in an environmentally friendly way. It is in this case that you will be able to draw useful conclusions for the future. Which will not allow you to step on the same rake in the future.
But, if you still want to get out of the relationship quickly and forget as quickly as possible, and at the same time “as if nothing had happened.”
Jenn (25 years old)
“It took me years (!) to move on from breaking up with my first boyfriend. I think it took so long because our relationship lasted quite a long time. Moreover, this was the first truly serious experience.
Although we broke up after a dating period of approximately eight months, we continued to meet and call each other for approximately two more years. It was easy for me to cope with this realization when he was not around, but the moment I saw his name on the phone screen or met him in person, I seemed to return to similar feelings and experiences. I ended up having to start the “grieving” process all over again.
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It's been about seven years since we first broke up, and about five years since we officially ended all kinds of relationships. Now, when he calls and his name appears on the phone screen, or when his face appears on my social media news feed, I don't have the same reaction as I did before. It took me about five years to completely stop feeling anything towards him. At the moment I don’t even think he’s attractive: maybe my taste has changed.”
What to do if you like a guy but he doesn't like you?
It often happens that a girl really likes a guy, but later it turns out that the sympathy is unrequited.
To forget such a guy, you need to do the following:
- Think about why you like him. First you need to analyze the situation and understand why you liked this guy. Perhaps a person with the same character or appearance has been walking next to you all this time, and you simply don’t notice him.
- Understand that you like something about him that you don’t have. You need to start working on yourself. If your boyfriend is brave and cheerful, then you need to try to become the same. If he is romantic and gentle, then you need to start developing these very qualities in yourself. Over time, you will understand that you are better than him and you don’t need him.
- Stop imposing on him. There is no need to constantly write and call him - this will only push him away from you. The best way out is self-development. You need to start reading more, playing sports, or immersing yourself in work.
- Become more patient. The best cure for everything is time. If you suddenly feel completely alone, then throw out all the negative energy on a piece of paper or tell a friend about your problems. Don't forget about your parents - they will always be able to listen to you and help solve existing problems.
- Start enjoying life. There is no need to sit at home and burden yourself with thoughts about unrequited love. On the contrary, you should try to take walks more often, go to cinemas or clubs. If you suddenly meet a young man you like, then there is no need to push him away. Perhaps he will become your couple in the future.
Forgetting a guy you really like is not easy, but even this can have its advantages. After all, after you can forget him, you will become stronger, more self-developed and narcissistic.
Victor (37 years old)
“I want to share my experience of overcoming bitter feelings. I was married to my high school sweetheart who once said something that really upset me. I cried for months, every day and almost all day. Yes, men also take breakups painfully. They also have feelings. But after we decided to get a divorce, within three days I stopped feeling any grief. It was as if I pulled myself together and said: “This is life, you can’t turn back time, and you can’t force a person to love you.” I'm 37 now and have been enjoying a wonderful relationship with another person for almost five years."
Psychologist's advice
Not everyone is able to cope with this problem on their own. Not everyone can benefit from the advice of family and friends, so you need the help of a specialist. Below are tips from a psychologist on how to stop loving someone you love very much:
- You shouldn’t complain to everyone around you about your relationship - not everyone can give good advice.
- Instilling in yourself positive attitudes that a woman will succeed and she will be able to stop loving a man.
- It is worth making new acquaintances so as not to perpetuate the fear of letting a new person approach you.
- It’s better to try to leave first, then the feeling of abandonment will not be added to your emotions.
- Getting out of your comfort zone – you don’t have to start with global changes to avoid additional stress.
Woman at a psychologist's appointment
In psychology, solutions are selected based on the situation of a particular person. Most methods effectively help a woman cope with unrequited love and break off toxic relationships. By getting rid of negative emotions, a person makes room for new experiences that will bring joy and a desire for self-improvement, which is the basis for creating strong and harmonious relationships.
Amanda (31 years old)
“My longest relationship was five years. We lived together, and later he bought a house (which we chose together). We took care of him together and decorated him properly, but he deceived me and abandoned me. Moreover, he never wanted to get married.
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Six months later I found out that he had found someone else, married her, and they had a child. It took me probably two years to completely end the relationship and stop thinking about him. Especially the first year was incredibly difficult: I was full of emotions, I didn’t know what to do with myself, and I also felt a lack of intimate relationships. All this was difficult to overcome.
Perhaps you've felt something like this: you've met someone else, but you're still thinking about that person. Until you are finally happy in the new relationship you are in, you will not be able to move on and forget about the grief and unpleasant consequences of cheating and cheating. I'm so sorry that I wasted five years of my life on him. But in the end it led me to meeting my current partner!”
Results
Usually on the Internet they look for a magical way, an unusual method to quickly forget a loved one, find out the exact time frame for calming down, a formula for calculating the time of suffering that is needed to get rid of love addiction. In the end, either it all comes down to oblivion with antidepressants or with the help of endless alcoholic parties, or to changing partners. The pressure of unexperienced resentment then lasts for years, burdens new novels, and prevents you from being happy. And if you manage to meet the object of adoration, once again stir up old emotions, you only end up being rejected again.
Don’t deceive yourself, love addiction can and should be overcome. Share your stories in the comments, speak up and allow yourself to be happy.
Victoria (22 years old)
“I went through a shocking breakup on New Year's Eve two years ago. We dated for three years and I really thought we would get married. I dreamed about our wedding and children until one day my boyfriend turned into shit.
I was deeply depressed for a year. I didn't want to go out, and out of sheer desperation I started drinking too much. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I even stopped texting my friends.
I even used the services of a psychotherapist and began going to therapy: I took our breakup so painfully. The first year was incredibly difficult, but I got through the second much easier. I began to devote time to sports training and resumed my communication with friends. Moreover, I was no longer obsessed with my ex's account. I stopped thinking about who he was talking to, whether he was thinking about me, whether he was seeing someone else. This was something I had to go through on my own.
Now I don't feel the need to check his account every second and don't want to see him at all. I can look back on our relationship as a learning experience. I'm no longer upset about what happened. I am sure that even if you experience the same feelings that I had before, you will cope and feel complete peace of mind.”
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Mistakes you shouldn't make
- Trying to get your ex-partner back. In the vast majority of cases, this does not lead to anything good. Moreover, with a high degree of probability the situation will only worsen – and it will be even more difficult to get out of it. Therefore, the most correct solution is a final break with no chance of recovery.
This way, psychologically, it will be easier to forget the once loved one and in the future treat the separation as nothing more than a certain stage of life, the accumulation of life experience. The main thing is not to isolate yourself and constantly keep yourself busy with various activities. Close people will also be able to provide some support - just learn to ask.
Heart-to-heart conversations will help you throw out all the negativity and analyze the situation so as not to make similar mistakes in the future, which occur in any relationship.
- Self-flagellation . Even if what happened is your fault, nothing can be taken back. The only thing you can do to calm your conscience is to ask for forgiveness for wrong behavior. That's it, then you have every right to turn the page.
- Personal life tracking . This is a fundamentally wrong approach, which will not allow you to remove the fixation on your failed soul mate.
- Organizing casual meetings . Here everything works by analogy with the previous situation. There is no need to live in vain illusions.
- Comparing yourself with the new other half of your ex-partner . This is the worst thing you can do after a breakup. All people are different: one cannot say that one is worse than another.
