At some point after breaking up with your ex, you are going to move on, forget and let go of any thoughts about him. You may even start dating someone who is different from your ex. This relationship makes you happier and everything seems to be great. However, a chance meeting with your ex hurts you again when you see him with someone else.
Breakups are difficult for a number of reasons. Whether it was a mutual decision or not, you shared intimate moments and a part of your life with someone. Now you have to separate this person from yourself, which can be quite difficult. It's never easy. With social media, it's even harder to completely forget about your ex. So why is it so unpleasant for most people to see their exes in the company of new partners?
Your current partner is just an attempt to forget about your ex.
If you see your new partner as an opportunity to take your mind off the breakup, then you will find it extremely frustrating to see your ex happy with someone else.
Many people make new acquaintances immediately after a breakup in order to take their mind off the pain and move on as quickly as possible. However, moving into another relationship immediately after leaving one means you haven't had time to fully heal from your grief.
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Yours takes the hit
In some cases, the pain you feel may have nothing to do with lingering feelings for your ex. Perhaps it is because your ego is suffering. Some people like the idea of someone having feelings for them, even if they don't reciprocate. It makes them feel welcome.
It's nice to think that there is someone who is still obsessed with you. Seeing your ex with someone else can shatter the illusion you've created for yourself. One of the worst feelings for some people is watching their ex get better after a breakup.
How to overcome jealousy of the past
If you are aware of your problem, this is half the way to a healthy psyche and strong relationships. In some cases, this feeling goes away on its own, but if you realize that jealousy has become pathological and occupies a large part of your thoughts, preventing you from enjoying the present moment, you should take action.
Look at the situation more objectively. Yes, it’s difficult, no one can fully look at themselves from the outside and calmly assess what is happening.
But if there are no problems in the present and experiences are based only on the past of your loved one, it is important to realize a simple truth: if your partner is with you, and his behavior is not in doubt, he is satisfied with your relationship.
Previous romances have completely exhausted themselves, and ex-darlings turned out to be less suitable candidates if they are in the past, and you are here and now, with the one you are in love with.
Such thoughts will help you stop being jealous of the past, especially if the experiences have not turned into pathology or paranoia.
Talk to the object of your jealousy. Don't hide your feelings, even if your couple doesn't usually practice frank conversations. Admit what exactly is gnawing at you, what moments in the past seem dubious to you.
If you are jealous of certain people, find out more about previous relationships, this way you will get more objective information about someone else’s love story, find out what specifically did not suit your partner in your chosen ones.
If the interlocutor is inclined to empathy, ask him to reassure you, but be careful: some people perceive this as a demand for proof of love and get lost, while others may even evaluate the request as manipulation.
But it is important to remain sincere: if jealousy has reached the level of paranoia, describe your condition and evaluate the problem in a conversation.
For example, if you are sure that doubts arose from a lack of attention or frequent mention of exes, say so directly, without maneuvering or begging to confess your love.
Many women are jealous of the past of their husband, who was previously married for many years. If this is your case, try to realize that strong family relationships exhaust themselves in the same way as ordinary romances, and if your spouse once lost interest in his previous wife, and now has chosen you as a life partner, you are in the right place.
Most advice from psychologists boils down to working on self-confidence. And this is correct: groundless and time-drawn competition with your partner’s former lovers comes from the illusion of the superiority of others over you.
It seems to you that you are worse, less interesting, less loved, less worthy of respect, tenderness and other manifestations, but this is a subjective assessment. In some cases, it may be based on your partner's attitude towards you, but the root is always dislike for yourself.
Try to stop comparing yourself not only with your ex-spouse, but also with other people, whether it’s worth your worries. Focus on yourself, self-development and relationships if they are of value to you. Stop being jealous of the past, and your life together will sparkle with new colors for you.
Olga F.
You worry that past relationships didn't mean anything to them.
The opposite of love is not hatred, but indifference. We want to believe that if we run into our ex, there will be an awkward pause or an unpleasant feeling. A lack of jealousy or envy on the part of your ex can have a negative impact on some people.
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It doesn't matter if you're already in a happy relationship. When you see a photo of your ex smiling, you'll want to ask why he never looked this happy when he was with you. This may make you wonder if he ever loved you?
Killer method number once
Get out of her sight for a while. What effect will this have? At first she will not be interested, then she will be slightly bewildered: “Where did he go? Why doesn’t he run, don’t call, don’t ask me to come back?” and in the end there will be excitement. “Well, wow, I left him, and he doesn’t even deign to answer. The “poor thing” is probably suffering and can’t find a place for himself.” And here the search begins for at least some information about you, or attempts to meet in person, even from afar.
Believe me, women's logic works this way. It is better not to pick up the phone at this time, and not to respond to SMS. Well, not at all and not answer, but very rarely and carelessly, you can call back in a few hours, saying that you are very busy. But in order for her to know that you are not really grieving, there is a second method.
You feel like a failure
Seeing your ex with someone new can help you reminisce about the good times you had together. When you invest a lot of time and energy into trying to make a relationship work, it can make you feel like a failure. It's easy to forget the fact that your partner was emotionally unavailable and place all the blame on yourself.
Keep in mind that everyone seems happy in the first part of the relationship. In the end, relationships with a new partner will sooner or later be burdened by the same problems that he experienced with you.
Diagnosis
- You look through the pages of former passions, look for information from friends;
- express claims and suspicions about the fact of treason, maintaining feelings;
- feel irritable when mentioning the name of a friend from the past;
- asking questions, provoking mistrust;
- check mail and messengers without the knowledge of the owner;
- you try to be like your ex (dye your hair, improve specific skills, for example, also take up baking).
If you have diagnosed yourself with more than three “hits,” then a deviation from the norm is present in your sense of self. Jealous pathology develops rapidly, so I advise you to quickly understand the source of the problem, focusing on personal experiences.
Otherwise, you risk acquiring a nervous disorder, stress and strengthening your sense of self-doubt, ruining your relationship with your loved one. How to deal with past jealousy? Are there effective methods?
You are human and that's okay
If someone was truly important to you, it's normal to feel pain when you meet your ex. Attributing additional meaning to a normal reaction is a major factor in post-breakup pain.
It's okay to admit that you feel hurt, but then do your best to move on. Trying to figure out why you have these feelings and what it really means will only make things more confusing for you.
It's completely normal to feel hurt that your ex is moving on. This doesn't necessarily mean you're still in love. The best thing to do in this situation is to put the past behind you, focus on your relationship now, and move forward.
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Provocateurs of the problem
The reasons for jealousy are standard and based on the human sense of ownership. Accepting the very fact that a loved one lived “another life without you” drives some ladies to gray hair at their temples. Jealousy of past experiences becomes a stumbling block between people, tantamount to the fact of betrayal. After all, living with constant pressure and suspicion is quite a challenge!
Fear of loss
Jealousy is a claim against a person with whom we have managed to create a strong and lasting connection. But the past is nothing more than a safe marked “Strictly confidential!” or “Unauthorized entry is prohibited!”
We question, ask leading questions and accumulate dissatisfaction within ourselves. As a result of efforts, mistrust, checks and, most importantly, the fear that perhaps the previous partner was better are born?
Low self-esteem
Lack of self-confidence develops complexes and fears in a woman. The desire to conform and prove your superiority over your ex develops into a pathological race for an invented, improved image. At the same time, there is a risk of losing touch with your real self, getting lost in the next image of correspondence.
Provocation of a man
Does he still call his ex to wish him a happy birthday and just chat? Falling into the trap of such a man's behavior, the timer on the time bomb is turned on, which is sure to explode.
In this case, the only thing you can do is to speak out your emotions of indignation, focusing on the uncomfortable sensations. If your chosen one values your nervous system and feelings, then this should not happen again.
Possessive feelings or personal mistakes
“What’s mine must be mine!” Representatives of the fairer sex often do not recognize their husband's right to have his own life. This addiction is manifested by selfishness, the inability to accept a person with all the baggage of his knowledge and experience!
Sometimes the reason for a jealous attitude is the past experience of the woman herself. If she could not survive a painful breakup, this does not mean that her loved one has a delicate problem! What are the main signs of jealousy towards your ex? And how to deal with this?
