First of all, the very concept of “gaining from problems” leaves a strange aftertaste: how can one “gain” from something “bad”, for example, from an illness? However, this term is often found in psychological literature, and its authorship is attributed to Sigmund Freud.
In addition, the concept of secondary gain is often associated with illness. Particularly with “fashionable diagnoses” or diagnoses that have so far been scientifically controversial, such as “chronic fatigue syndrome”, “neurasthenia”, “burnout” or “fibromyalgia”.
In this article:
What is secondary gain?Is secondary gain reprehensible?Pitfalls of “secondary benefit” for others
What are secondary benefits?
Secondary benefits in psychology are factors that encourage a person to remain in a problematic state for as long as possible. We can say that this is a search for good where it should not be.
Also, secondary benefit is the benefits that the patient receives from his illness. They do not lead to the appearance of new symptoms, but perpetuate it and interfere with treatment.
In life, secondary benefit looks something like this. A person constantly talks about how much he wants something, dreams about something. Let's say he's tired of work. And all the talk boils down to the intention to change it. But time passes, and changes never occur. The person makes no attempt to find another job. He finds a bunch of excuses, saying that he doesn’t have time to compile and send out a resume, there is no suitable position, one of his relatives is sick, etc.
Why is this happening? Because the individual sees a certain benefit in his position. Sometimes he doesn't even realize it. And if you say your opinion about the situation, the person gets irritated.
A good example
What a secondary benefit is can be considered using the example of single people. What good do they find in their situation?
- Sympathy and pity from the people around you. Loneliness makes it possible to receive them to the fullest. People who do not have a family are always welcome guests with family friends and girlfriends. In addition, looking at them, family acquaintances will think with sympathy about how lucky they are.
- Availability of free time. This is perhaps a good advantage. There is an opportunity to do what you want without taking into account the opinions and interests of another person.
- The opportunity to be yourself. Not everything is so simple here. On the one hand, this is good. There is no need to adapt to anyone. On the other hand, this sounds like an excuse for why a person is in no hurry to change, engage in self-development, and realize his potential.
Another secondary benefit of loneliness is the absence of problems in everyday life. A lonely person does not think about the menu for breakfast, lunch and dinner, solving household problems, etc.
Karpman triangle
The triangle greatly slows down the solution to a specific problem. For example, walking in a circle is called a “swing”, that is, a man is eager to go this way and that, a wife is sometimes nervous, then regrets, a mistress is sometimes nervous, then regrets. That is, torment comes from all sides. The problem won't end. There will be problems and suffering in any case.
Each of the heroes must make the following decision for themselves: “Why am I in this relationship? What does this relationship give me? How great is the degree of suffering in these relationships? How much can I be with this person?
It will be very good if all three are conscious people, and all three ask themselves these questions. It often happens that one of these three people who is in this triangle makes a decision and the chain falls apart. And then, going beyond this triangle, three people can become happy. Perhaps through some kind of kick, perhaps through some difficult events.
If this comes into the life of a particular person, then perhaps he is stuck, does not want to open his eyes to some situations, does not want to work, bear responsibility or change at all, and wants to “get stuck in the swamp.” This is the choice of everyone. Nobody accuses anyone of anything. Each person creates his own destiny.
How are secondary benefits formed?
Secondary benefits appear and are consolidated in childhood. Let's look at examples.
Imagine a child suffering from bronchial asthma. The first serious attack happened at a time when his mom and dad were arguing a lot. Noticing that their beloved child was not feeling well, they instantly calmed down and rushed to his aid. A logical connection is formed in the child’s subconscious between his illness and good family relationships. This is called secondary benefit.
The second example also concerns children. Have you noticed how they love to get sick, invent illnesses, just to stay at home and get an extra dose of parental attention and love? During these periods, you will play with him, and allow him to watch his favorite cartoon, and buy the toy that he has been asking for so long. And everything is just so that the little patient recovers faster.
What if you behave this way when the child is healthy? What if you paid more attention to it every day, regardless of your health status? Secondary benefits fade into the background. There is no point in being sick if mom and dad are already ready to go for a walk, play or read before bed.
People feel sorry for you.
A related point to the previous one. Sometimes you just want people to feel sorry for you and comfort you. I would like your beliefs that you are good, and that circumstances or other people are bad, to be confirmed, assuring you that you are right.
After all, subconsciously, somewhere deep inside, you feel that you are engaged in self-deception, and that your offense is your fault, and that you are generally to blame for everything. And in order to muffle this deep-seated itching feeling, we need validation from loved ones, manifested in pity.
Now, if you get rid of MF, then you will no longer find any self-pity. True, you won't need it. Responsibility for your life and the desire to be pitied are incompatible. But at first, when you work on the MF, it will be a little tight.
Secondary gain and victim status
The state of the victim, according to psychologists, is the most “advantageous”. What benefits does it provide?
- No one will demand that the victim be responsible. What demands could there be on a person who is already in a terrible state?
- Usually the victim feels much better than others. She easily justifies all her failures by the absence of those negative qualities that others have. It looks something like this: “I’m not so unprincipled, that’s why I’m still lonely,” “I don’t have the same dexterity and craftiness as others, so I don’t always cope with the job.”
- The victim enjoys the approval of others. And this is not surprising, because she so courageously supports a man who causes her nothing but trouble. This could be a husband who abuses alcohol, a girlfriend who ruins her life with her behavior, etc.
And finally, attention. The victim has more than enough of it. There are always those who will listen and sympathize.
WHAT'S THE POINT?
Psychologist and physician Stephanie and Carl Simonton name five main “meanings” of illness:
1. Allows you to “get away” from an uncomfortable situation and solve a complex problem.
2. Provides an opportunity to receive care, love, and attention from others.
3. Creates conditions for the reorientation of mental energy necessary to resolve the problem.
4. Provides an incentive to re-evaluate oneself as an individual and change habitual patterns of behavior.
5. Reduces or completely eliminates the need to meet the requirements set by yourself and the people around you.
How to discover secondary benefits
So, in every problem or difficult life situation you can find a secondary benefit. But we don’t always want to accept this information. But in reality it is so. Difficult, exhausting relationships, lack of money, lack of development and career growth - all these circumstances become convenient for us over time. We are beginning to take advantage of them, even though they are dubious.
Secondary benefits will exist until you see them. How to find them? There are several ways.
Descartes square
Gives you the opportunity to look at the situation from all sides. By filling it out, you will understand what is missing in order to get what you want.
So, divide a blank sheet of paper into 4 parts. Fill them out:
- What benefits do I get from this situation?
- What will happen if everything remains as it is?
- What benefits will I lose if I do achieve my goal?
- What will be bad if the goal remains the goal?
You need to answer questions as honestly as possible.
Conversation with the subconscious
Take a piece of paper or a notepad and a pen. Try to be alone. Calm down, don't think about anything. Focus on your breathing. Now think about why you can't get what you want? What's good about your position? Be as sincere as possible. Find at least 10 factors that are holding you back from moving forward.
Drawing
Here you also need to relax and calm down. You will need paper and colored pencils. The questions are the same. You just need to answer them with drawings. There is no need to try to give them any shape. Trust your subconscious.
When you finish drawing, use words to describe what you drew on another sheet of paper. And then connect the words into a logical chain.
Hide and seek
Suffering is the most fertile ground for escape from oneself and self-justification. A suffering person always finds meaning in living. Life acquires a special dimension, value, meaning and clarity. Pain and fears help create an additional wall from reality and oneself. This is why people so carefully protect the true causes of their problems from outsiders. Pain, fears and unimportant routine are all ways to avoid being face-to-face with yourself and your life. Time crammed full of things to do, constant overload, poor sleep and unhealthy diet guarantee nervous breakdowns or exhaustion.
The philosophy of secondary gain is simple - everything and everyone is more important than myself. I am not yet ready to solve the piles of my own problems.
What to do with the benefits
There are few options. First, you will have to make a conscious decision to give up secondary benefits. How to do it? Write them down on a piece of paper. Next to each item, indicate alternatives (at least 3) that will contribute to achieving your goal.
Let's return to the example of loneliness. Let's say personal time is important to you. But you think he will be missed in the relationship. Let's look for alternatives:
- Learn to negotiate. This way you can tell your partner why and why you need free time.
- Find someone with the same needs as you. Ask what they want from the relationship and tell them what you want.
- Set your priorities according to your desires. If your partner works in an office, find a remote job. This will give you time to be alone.
The second option is to temporarily move the goal away. This can be done if the advantages in your position are much greater than the disadvantages. Leave everything as is for about a year. During this time, perhaps you will reassess your values and look at the goal with different eyes.
"CODEPENDENT" RESCUERS
If the “benefit from illness” is tightly tied to the presence of a physical disease, then the abundance of secondary benefits from “social” diseases requires special attention.
So, let's start with perhaps the most common one - saving the lost and lost. Who do you think suffers first in the recovery of drug addicts and alcoholics? Of course, their closest relatives, especially those who fought for this very recovery for many years and found the meaning of life in it - what could be more meaningful and important than saving a person? Often it is the “codependent” rescuers who are most unconsciously opposed to changing the behavior of the person being rescued. If they recover, they will simply have nothing to do and will have to face themselves!
On the other hand, the status of a socially disadvantaged “element” brings many benefits to its owner. Of course, you don’t need to move anywhere (except from one garbage can to another!), you don’t need to learn and develop. And if it seems to you that someone’s life is bad, it’s not a fact that he will agree to improvements. My colleagues who work with street children state that after six months of a child being “on the street,” his return to a “normal” life can take from one to two years. If a child has lived on the street for more than two years, he practically does not respond to any pedagogical influences. It turns out that the absence of any kind of coercion, specific survival skills and the opportunity to live “as you want,” despite all the obvious disadvantages and risks, have their attractive side. It’s not for nothing that Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn, even in the most “prosperous” conditions, lived under the slogan “I’ll probably run away again.” And he ran away.
You don't get criticized as much.
If, by playing the victim, you have abdicated responsibility for your decisions that ultimately led to your current situation, then others will not criticize you as much.
Almost everyone plays the sacrifice, at least a little bit. So they won't criticize you too much. They play the same game. They will blame “their” circumstances, and you will blame “yours”. And no one will criticize anyone that much.
It's another matter if you take responsibility for yourself.
It’s another matter if you are to blame for being in this relationship.
It’s another matter if it’s your fault that you always have a problem with money.
It's another matter if it's your fault that you can't lose weight.
Since you are to blame, then you can be blamed, you can be criticized. In addition, you yourself will begin to blame and criticize yourself until you work through the feelings of guilt and self-hatred...
Stop playing the victim and be prepared for more criticism in your life. This is the price for freedom.
From the editor
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