When betrayal happens, the world falls apart. Why? For what? Something went wrong? And what to do next - break off the relationship or try to mend it? Psychologist with 35 years of experience, Janice Spring, wrote the book “Betrayal,” where she tells how to survive the crisis after betrayal, sort out your feelings and decide whether to save the relationship.
We chose an excerpt from the book about how men and women react differently to betrayal.
Gender differences and reactions to infidelity
As a rule, men and women evaluate their partner’s betrayal differently, which, in turn, gives different emotional overtones to their reactions.
It's important not to generalize too much—what's true for some people isn't true for others, but there is evidence that most people's responses are at least partially consistent with typical behavior for their gender. Understanding these biological and cultural programs, while variable and imprecise, should shed some light on your response to infidelity so that you may not feel so alone or abnormal. This will help your partner understand your feelings better. In general, women are determined to restore and maintain relationships; men - finish and look for a new partner. Women are more likely to become depressed and blame themselves; men are more likely to get angry and attack others, including in the imagination. Women are more likely to attribute infidelity to their overall unworthiness; men - their sexual inadequacy. Women tend to exaggerate the significance of infidelity and spend more time healing; men are able to separate themselves from the pain and move on.
Difference #1: Women try to save relationships; the men turn around and leave
Women: “Perhaps we can overcome this.” Men: “Don’t even think about coming back.”
If the injured partner is a woman, she is likely to try to save the relationship, in part because she has been culturally taught to please others and not pay attention to her own needs.
A man tends to tear away his losses and look for a replacement - someone who will give him the love and attention that he believes he deserves. Women tend to suppress themselves or hide from their feelings when they are emotionally abused. Under pressure to “maintain at least the appearance of harmony in the family,” they often drown out the true self and the inner voice that screams: “I need something more.”
Society conveys to us that a woman’s task—and the measure of her self-esteem—is to maintain connections with others. One excellent study asked eight-year-old girls how they felt when boys bullied them. The girls were aware of their anger and expressed it openly; but already at the age of about twelve years old the same girls answered the same question: “I don’t know.” This study clearly shows that many women, as they get older, stop trusting their feelings when they are treated badly. If you, as a woman, can't admit the extent to which your partner's infidelity has hurt you, if you stop speaking directly and confidently about your negative feelings in order to stay together, if you're afraid of blowing the whistle, then you've been done well. .
Another reason why women tend to stay in broken relationships is because they believe in the daunting alternative of being alone. After the publication of the famous 1986 study of marriage by Harvard and Yale scientists Bennett, Bloom and Craig, women panicked over the identified shortage of bachelors. Although Susan Faludi pointed out the skewed data in 1991, the study was still a near death knell for spinsters, as women believed that after the age of forty their chances of getting married were close to zero.
Financially, women in divorce suffer more than men, partly because they are more concerned with raising young children and partly because ex-spouses are more likely to pay car bills than alimony. Although the gender wage gap is closing, women are still more likely to earn less in similar positions—77 cents on a man's dollar. For these practical reasons alone, many women seek to save their marriage.
Men are more confident that they will find a replacement, and therefore are less inclined to return a partner who has been on a spree. Because men are less likely to define themselves through successful relationships, they often believe that they have little to lose if they leave their partner. Women tend to suppress themselves and stay, men tend to run away. They deal with their trauma by eliminating the source of pain.
Mom manipulates me: typical situations and ways to resolve them
So, do you feel like you've unwittingly become a victim of your own mom? She constantly interferes in your life. And if the role of “honorary donor” is not to your liking, you can try to restore balance in your relationship. But first, let's try to figure out why mom behaves this way.
Provocative situations
Here are a few typical situations that changed my mother’s life and could provoke her to choose (unconsciously) the role of “victim-manipulator”. So, if mom:
● she raised you alone, but now you are physically or psychologically separated from her (got married, moved to another apartment, city, gave birth to a child, not necessarily your first child, etc.);
● left alone (due to divorce, death of a spouse, your move, etc.);
● retired, lost her job;
● got sick or lost someone close to her of the same age (and involuntarily began to classify herself as a “risk group”);
● understands that you have achieved objectively greater success than her (sometimes the success of children becomes not only a reason for pride for parents; they have the feeling that they have lived their lives in vain);
● changed her place of residence (even if she simply moved to another area, the established course of things was still disrupted, and at her age it is difficult to adapt quickly).
Psychological training: how to get rid of guilt. Guilt has nothing to do with repentance. It prevents us from sensibly assessing the situation and enjoying life. Is it possible to somehow get rid of it? Let's figure it out.
Victim and Rescuer
Finding herself in a difficult situation, mom began to involuntarily “pull the blanket” in your relationship onto herself. Don't rush into accusations. After all, most likely, you yourself were drawn into the role of “rescuer” with pleasure. And probably at first you yourself liked the fact that you understood something better than your mother (how to call a plumber, choose wallpaper, etc.). This omnipotence pleased your vanity.
Try to look at yourself from the outside. Maybe when your mother was left alone (for example, after the death of her husband), you yourself tied your life and hers in a tight knot (you probably said: “I’m all she has left!”)? And thus “cut off” her from those people (friends) and opportunities (hobbies) that she could switch to.
Or maybe you all the time, as best friends, shared your most secret things, went on vacation together. And now you have pushed your mother to the “backyards of your life”: they say, “I have no time, I have children/I work/I’m married...”, etc.).
In this way, you seem to demonstrate to your mother her “second-class status” (“You don’t understand that others, unlike you, have plenty of worries”), uselessness. Your new environment (husband/friends/boss) “sets you up” against your own mother: “It’s time to be a big girl, separate yourself and call your mom less often,” “Your mother is not from our circle,” etc. Perhaps you are trying to win over , for example, your husband's family? And now you live under their dictation... But this is a relationship between only the two of you: you and your mother. And even if they are right in some way (indeed, it’s time to become a big girl), you should not take their words as the ultimate truth. You have only one mother and she will not last forever. Remember this.
Take it into service
To improve your relationship, you need to work on yourself, look at your relationship from the outside (keep in mind that the opinion of friends and your spouse is not always objective). And adopt a few simple effective techniques:
✓ Do not spare words of love
Say more often: “mummy”, “mommy”. Compliments, words of gratitude and the phrase “I love you” work wonders. Although at first the mother may even show aggression: “Why are you sucking up? What do you want from me?"
And then she will feel that you value her not in words, but that you love her with all your heart - sincerely. Just use your entire arsenal of kind words not immediately, but gradually.
✓ Take the initiative
If you wait a long time for something or persuade someone for a long time, then such a long-awaited result usually does not bring joy. Rather, what remains in your memory is the “torment” that you had to go through in order to finally beg for what you wanted. Now put mom in her place. Surely there are things that she has long wanted to ask you to do. Try to “predict” her desires. And make her dream come true.
✓ Convert quantity into quality
Let's say you can no longer devote as much time to your mother as before. Try to make your communication better and more emotionally rich. There is no need to call her pro forma to “report back.” It’s better to ask her about something that is meaningful to her - even if it’s her favorite TV series or planting roses in the country.
✓ Different people - different opinions
Your opinions may not coincide. Therefore, when your mother tells you what to do and how to do it, thank her for her advice.
Important! Don’t use phrases like “Yes, but...” and “I’ll do it differently/my way.” Otherwise, you will oppose yourself to your mother. And she, most likely, will actively insist that she is right, because it is important for her to feel her importance. It’s better to just say: “Mom, I understand your position and I’ll do it this way...” With these words you will balance your opinions and take responsibility for your decision.
✓ Right of refusal
You have every right not to fulfill your mother's requests. But if the matter is important to her, together with her come up with ways to solve it (postpone for a convenient time/find another assistant, etc.).
Break contact! If you feel that a conflict is brewing, try to physically get away from it (go to another room, end a telephone conversation, etc.). Typical situation: mom criticizes your husband. You defend him, argue with your mother. But you just need to say: “Mom, do you want to talk to me or about my husband? I don't want to discuss it. I want to talk to you. You want this too, don't you? Lets change theme!"
Give mom the opportunity to realize herself. Mom still has the strength and desire to take care of someone. This makes her life meaningful, brings satisfaction and joy. And it costs you nothing to give her a chance to realize her desires. How?
Consult her on various everyday issues. Ask for a recipe for a family dish, for example. Or have a heart-to-heart talk about something important to you: even if it’s just thoughts about changing jobs or caring for a child. Even if you solve all the problems yourself, such a conversation will give your mother a chance to take part in your life.
✓ Find a hobby
Let's say my mother retired or divorced her husband. Now she has a lot of free time. Try to come up with something interesting for her to do. In her youth, did she take photographs, hike in the mountains, paint, grow flowers in the garden? Offer her a new activity she likes, help her take the first step. For example, buy rose bushes for your dacha. Or sign her up for a computer literacy course. Create her a page on social networks. Support your mom in her new business. Celebrate all her achievements.
Do not doubt: if you follow our advice, you can save both your mother and yourself. And peace and harmony will return to your life again.
Typical situations and ways to solve them
1 Daughter, give me money!
Mom always demands money, but spends it thoughtlessly: not on food, housing and communal services, but distributes it to “the needy”, buys “unnecessary things”...
Do not give money to your mother and do all the shopping yourself.
It is best to divide the amount of money into two parts: give one to your mother (so that she can freely dispose of it), and the second pay the necessary minimum of her expenses (medicines, groceries, etc.).
2 Emotional blackmail
Mom emotionally blackmails you, playing on your feelings of guilt: “I raised you / quit my job for you / I didn’t get married for you / I worked three jobs to get you on your feet...”.
Tell her: “I didn’t ask to give birth,” “I didn’t need all this,” or “And others somehow managed too and nothing.”
If your mother expects signs of gratitude from you, then praise her. Set her up to the fact that she can “move mountains” even now. Feeling your support, mom will “spread her wings” and direct her energy in a peaceful direction.
3 Your advice is your fault
Mom constantly asks for your advice on what to do in a given situation. For example, which curtains to choose? Or what TV to buy? And if she is not satisfied with the result (and this is almost always!), she makes claims against you (“After all, you advised it”).
Give direct advice or refuse to answer because “I’ll blame you again.”
If your mother demands a ready-made decision from you, say: “I have no right to decide for you, let’s consider all the options.” Take the time and effort to discuss the situation with your mother from all sides. Talk through all the pros and cons. But give her the opportunity to make her choice.
Galina Smyslova, psychologist
Difference #2: Women get depressed, men get angry.
Women: “I failed the most important relationship in my life.” Men: “If I meet my wife’s lover, I will kill him.”
A common female reaction to infidelity is self-deprecation. Men tend to be angry and attack those who have hurt them, at least in their fantasies.
According to a recent Mayo Clinic study, women are twice as likely to develop clinical depression as men. One reason for this trend is women's tendency to turn criticism inward on themselves rather than outward on others.
The second reason is that women more often define themselves through relationships with other people and associate their worth with whether they are loved or not. When a relationship breaks down or fails, a woman is more likely to experience low self-esteem and depression because she doesn't just lose her partner, she loses herself.
A man, on the contrary, would rather direct his rage at his wife or her lover than at himself. Aggressive men are more likely to have to restrain their violence, but even passive, introspective men sometimes find themselves fantasizing about attacking the “enemy.” Either way, anger gives you back power and control by driving away anxious feelings like shame or self-doubt. Some of you will want to see your partner as a victim who has fallen under the influence of a tempting lover. This way, you avoid the painful possibility that your partner made the decision to have an affair because he was disappointed in you.
Why do older parents sometimes manipulate their children?
Human life for the most part consists of the obligations that society imposes on us and which we strive to fulfill because we want to be (or at least seem) correct, well-mannered, worthy. Remain good children for their already elderly parents, while coping well with the role of father and mother, and also perform professional duties efficiently and earn money to support the family. The pursuit of excellence is certainly a commendable quality. But how feasible is it in reality?
Debt pit of care “My 78-year-old father categorically refused to move from the village to a city apartment, although my husband and I had already found an option literally a ten-minute walk from our house,
” complains Minsk resident Raisa.
“I explained it this way: I was born here, grew up, got married, raised you, and I want to die here.”
On the one hand, I understand him: the older you get, the harder it is to tear yourself away from your small homeland forever. It was easier for me when I left to study in the capital: I was 18 years old, I broke out into the big world, I didn’t miss home and didn’t miss home, I came to visit my parents once a month, no more often. Then I grew closer to Minsk, got married here, gave birth to children, and here my husband and I built an apartment. When dad became a widower, I first started a conversation with him about how he now needed to be under my supervision, offering the option of living with us in the same apartment and coming to the village for the summer (by the way, once upon a time it was decided in this way problem with the inspection of my old grandmother, my father just moved her to his place). But he then said: it would be better to sell the house and buy a separate house next to my daughter, so as not to disturb me, my husband, or the children (even though we have a big one, we have a two-bedroom apartment). I got excited, looked at dozens of options in Minsk, saved up some money over a couple of years, and found out how much more I could take out of a bank loan. And here it is. At the same time, my father demands that we visit him as often as possible. From the city to the village - more than 200 kilometers. I physically cannot travel several times a week, because I also have a family and work. Sometimes I can’t get away even on weekends, but then I send my husband or eldest son to his father, give him food, medicine, money. True, on days like these, dad gets very offended at me, saying that she could have come herself, after all, she is her own daughter, and it is the duty of children to look after their parents. He doesn’t accept my arguments: “Wait a minute, I’ll die soon, then you’ll have time for your husband, your children, and your work!” By the way, my husband and I are increasingly conflicted about this: he doesn’t like the fact that every weekend someone from the family has to go to the village. What’s interesting is that five years ago his parents themselves decided to move to Minsk from the regional center, we also helped with money then, and now his father-in-law and mother-in-law live in the same house with us. The husband does not understand why his father-in-law is “such a selfish person” and does not want to make life easier for his loved ones. The main problem is that my father's health is deteriorating. I understand that he needs to be looked after, but I can’t leave my family and work and move to the village! I tried to negotiate with the village council so that dad would be assigned at least for the winter to a house where they look after elderly people living alone, and I, as always, would come to visit him on weekends. But he found out about my plans and started a scandal, and also complained to all his relatives and neighbors that they wanted to send him to a nursing home while his daughter was alive. And I am no longer physically enough to do everything: no one relieves me of the responsibilities of wife and mother, housewife, boss at work. On Saturday morning my biggest wish is to just get some sleep. But I get up at 7 so that I can be in the village by 10 - and there is also work there: weeding the weeds in the garden, hilling, watering, harvesting. Despite the fact that we are not poor and can afford to buy the necessary products in the store and at the market, but dad insists: this is our own, environmentally friendly. Although it increasingly seems to me that this garden is just another way for him to manipulate me.
— My old mother lives with me in the same city, in a neighboring area,
— Evgeniy shares his life story.
— Twice a week, either my wife or our daughter come to visit her, help around the house, bring food.
But this is not enough for mom. Sometimes it gets to the point of absurdity: she can call at 11 pm and demand to come urgently to give an injection or measure her blood pressure (at the same time, we taught her to use a tonometer). We break down and come running - it turns out that everything is fine with mom: “my heart just pounded, I was so scared, but now it’s all gone.” An ambulance was called a couple of times, but the doctors did not find any serious problems. One day, my wife and I went to visit, and my mother pestered me there too: come urgently, my feet are swollen, I can’t put on my boots, I need fresh air. When I arrived, she no longer wanted to go outside, she was waiting for me at a set table with tea and cheesecakes. I tried to reproach him - in response: “Who else will help me, an old woman, if not you?”, “I’m leaving you an apartment, am I too lazy to look after my mother?” Try on the “shirt of feelings”
“It is clear that it is our duty to take care of our elderly parents.” But why do they often behave like little capricious children? How to make sure that this care (in the case when it takes on hypertrophied features at the will of the elderly) does not take a person away from his family and children, so that it gives him the opportunity to get enough sleep and at least sometimes have free time?
— we address this question
to the senior lecturer at the Department of Psychology and Management of the Minsk Regional Institute for Educational Development, psychologist Irina Botyanovskaya. “Philosophers and psychotherapists Susan Forward and Donna Fraser write about the four dominant types of blackmailer-manipulators (which, by the way, can be not only elderly parents, but also a boss or colleague, adult children, friends), says the specialist.
— The first and brightest, according to the authors, representative of this species is the “punisher.” He can be aggressive or silent, accuse you directly or only hint, but at the same time he points out the consequences for you of failure to comply with his demands: “As soon as you leave, I will change the lock”, “If you go to work, then I will take my grandchildren and I’ll go to the dacha” and more. “Self-sacrifice,” on the contrary, talks about what will happen to him if you do not fulfill his request: “I’ll die...”
The “martyr” feels unhappy, sick, offended. Without threatening to harm you or himself, he, as the name implies, suffers and suffers. And what’s most unpleasant is that they may not tell you about it. You yourself must guess that he feels bad, sad, lonely because of your incorrect behavior: “Because of you, my heart hurts. Look what you've brought your father to. My sick heart is your fault.” The last part of the phrase “your fault” quite often may not be said out loud, but simply implied. But the “martyr” does not necessarily suffer in silence. He can openly call you the cause of his suffering: “I constantly have a headache because I think what kind of child will grow up with such a good-for-nothing mother!”
The “tempter” encourages, promises love (money, fame) and at the same time sets one seemingly insignificant condition: you will receive everything promised if... And this “if” can constantly change. “If you break up with this man, we will live happily ever after!”, “We can become closer if you lend me money.”
— What does it mean in the modern world to be a “good daughter” or a “good son” of elderly parents? Who should dictate the terms of how to live, and who should adapt?
— Very often there is a substitution of concepts. Instead of “a good child” we mean “a child that is convenient for us.” But these are far from synonymous.
PHOTO BY REUTERS.
Why do fathers and mothers resort to blackmailing their “good sons” and “good daughters”? Because in other ways they cannot be heard by you. This happens for at least two reasons: the first is the inability and sometimes unwillingness of the parents themselves to negotiate with their children. Let me give you an example. Feeling lonely at times, the mother (let's call her Larisa Ivanovna) wants her daughter to be with her all the time. But if you look into the reasons for the elderly woman’s loneliness, it becomes clear that Larisa Ivanovna herself does not know how and does not want to communicate with people. She finds it difficult, uninteresting or boring with them. She can be arrogant and arrogant. Or maybe too correct and “decent” to the point of setting one’s teeth on edge. Or too anxious and indecisive. That is, she herself is largely the reason for her loneliness. “I eliminated all my friends. “I destroyed them,” says the heroine of “Office Romance.” And it is very difficult for Larisa Ivanovna to admit that her daughter cannot replace all her friends.
It is almost impossible for an elderly parent to restructure their communication with a child on their own. But it is possible to bully a daughter or son.
The second reason lies, as you already understand, in you. After all, if you remember, then perhaps the phrase “I’ll die now in this garden!”, which alarmed and angered you so much, was preceded by calls from your parent asking you to come and help. And most likely, this request was not heard by you.
Your communication is broken somewhere. And both sides suffer as a result of this. Can Broken Communication Be Fixed? Can. Will it be easy to do? No. But with some patience and effort, you can. And for this you need the following:
Understand.
They are not manipulating you out of malice. Sometimes from the inability to reach you in other ways, sometimes from the fact that they are so used to it, sometimes from the fact that they may have been manipulated in the same way. But almost never with the intention of harming you. They simply cannot express their desire to see you otherwise, they do not know how, they are embarrassed.
To clarify.
Feel free to ask again. What exactly does your parent want from you when they say, for example, “You don’t pay enough attention to me”? Ask a clarifying question: “Dad, do you want me to spend more time with you? For me to come? So I can bring the kids? So that you and I can go somewhere? Did you go to the theater? To the cinema? To the store? Or something else? How?"
Feel.
Try to try on your parents’ “shirt of feelings.” For example, if you were alone, how would you feel? Sadness? Annoyance? Offense? Anger? Irritation?
Change.
Imagine what you can do to avoid these feelings? Perhaps these same actions will appeal to your parents? Ask them. That is, enter into dialogue. And dialogue (communication) is what your parents expect from you.
For the most part, older mothers and fathers call you not only and not so much so that you can help them. First of all, they lack communication with you. But, unfortunately, in our society it is not customary to talk directly about your feelings. We are frankly afraid. What? To be misunderstood? Unaccepted? Laughed at? Convicted? And in the end, instead of saying that they miss you, your parents are forced to use tricks and come up with reasons to see you. So don't force them to make it up! Just come! Come hang out, hug, talk and just have a good time.
