Freedom is always valuable in a relationship. It is very bad when one of the partners does not respect the personal boundaries of the other. A common stereotype is that women are more prone to manipulation, but this is not always the case. Men can also cunningly impose their will, which does not contribute to happiness in the relationship. To be fair, many wives only contribute to this behavior of their husband. Being dependent is psychologically easier because you don’t have to make a choice and bear responsibility for it. Who is a manipulator in a relationship, what are his signs, and what is the secret of effective communication with him?
A man manipulates people
He/she crosses personal boundaries
Photo: pexels.com/ru-ru/@vera-arsic-304265
It is important to understand that no one has the right to violate your personal boundaries, even the closest people - parents, children, and including your lover. Of course, in a couple we build personal boundaries differently than with strangers: we can forgive a partner for what we would not forgive a colleague or friend. But if you feel that you are uncomfortable with some of the words and actions of your lover, it is definitely worth discussing it, and not enduring it because it is so accepted in couples.
How to deal with a manipulative man
© Getty Images Signature
It may take some time before you realize that a man is manipulating you. These signs may not be as obvious and often appear as the relationship progresses.
If you feel like you're being manipulated, trust your instincts.
Know your rights
The first thing you need to do when you are dealing with a manipulator is to know your rights and admit that they are being violated. Remember that you have the right to defend yourself.
- You have the right to be treated with respect
- You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and desires
- You have the right to set your priorities
- You have the right to refuse without feeling guilty.
- You have the right to get what you paid for
- You have the right to have a different opinion from others
- You have the right to take care of yourself and protect yourself from physical, psychological or emotional threats.
- You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
These basic human rights represent your boundaries.
Don't blame yourself
Because the manipulator tries to exploit your weaknesses, you may feel inadequate or even blame yourself for something.
In this situation, it is important to remember that you are not the problem, you are simply being manipulated into giving up your power and rights.
Turn your attention to him
When you hear an unreasonable offer, try focusing on the manipulator by asking a few leading questions.
For example:
- Does this seem reasonable to you?
- Do you feel like what you want is fair?
- Do I have the right to vote?
- Are you asking me or are you insisting on it?
- And what will I get from this?
- Do you really expect me to...(unreasonable suggestion)?
With such questions, you put the manipulator in front of an imaginary mirror so that he can see the true nature of his tricks. If he has even a modicum of self-awareness, he will refuse the demand and back down.
A pathological manipulator will ignore questions and insist on his own. In this case, it is best to listen to the above advice.
Postpone reply
In the case of an unreasonable request, the manipulator often immediately expects an answer in order to increase pressure and control the situation.
At such times, consider using time to your advantage and moving away from his or her immediate influence.
You can say , "I'll think about it."
Take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the situation, consider a fairer arrangement, or simply say no.
Say “No” diplomatically but firmly
A diplomatic but confident refusal will help you put your foot down while maintaining a healthy relationship. Remember that you have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty.
He/she constantly demands to prove love
Photo: East News
Manipulators are egoists, and it is important for them to constantly hear assurances that they are the best and irreplaceable. These people will do their best to use your love to force you to do things you don't want to do. “If you love me, you will leave this job,” “You love me, right? Then give up on buying a coat so we can buy me a console.” Such demands to make sacrifices for the sake of love are one of the most important signs that they are trying to control you.
Why do husbands manipulate women?
A man says he misses a woman - what does that mean?
There can be many reasons. Manipulation is carried out, as a rule, when what you want cannot be obtained directly. This option is much simpler, but if it is not customary in the family to listen to each other, you have to defend your interests with all possible methods.
Another reason for manipulation is developmental features in childhood. If a boy could only get what he wanted through roundabout ways, he begins to believe that this is the only way to achieve his goals.
Stereotypes and prejudices can also become reasons for manipulation in relationships with women. If a man previously had to deal only with cunning people, he may feel that all women need to be deceived in order to get what he wants.
Manipulator man with flowers is planning something
Stereotypes and prejudices are always formed on the basis of unpleasant experiences or incorrect upbringing. The wrong attitude is formed if a man had to communicate with a small number of women. To destroy the stereotype, you need to see at least a dozen representatives of the opposite sex who do not fall into the established pattern. This happens quite rarely, so stereotypes are usually tenacious. As a consequence, so are the behavioral patterns generated by them.
He/she belittles you
The manipulator strives to tie the victim to himself in every possible way, therefore he belittles the dignity of his partner in every possible way. “You couldn’t have done this without me,” “Well, who besides me needs you like that?” Over time, the victim begins to believe that only one person is needed, and will not even make attempts to end this toxic relationship.
What is benching: how to understand that you are a “backup option” and your partner is already looking for a replacement for you
More details
Who is a manipulator in a relationship?
A manipulator is a person who seeks to gain control or power over another person through dishonest and unhealthy means.
Unlike a healthy relationship where there is reciprocity and cooperation, the manipulator tries to use, control and harass his partner.
He uses psychological pressure and deception
to change a person's behavior or attitudes or provoke a strong emotional reaction, draining his energy and undermining his well-being.
Manipulators twist your thoughts, actions and desires
into something that better suits their vision of the world, turning you into a person who serves their own goals.
You can learn to recognize the signs of manipulation so you can stop the behavior and protect yourself, your self-esteem, and your sanity.
Which women are susceptible to manipulation?
- Without conscious goals, desires and aspirations.
- Infantile individuals who want to shift responsibility for their lives to someone else. Such girls often pretend to be a victim, even when this is not the case.
- Girls who are lazy to develop critical thinking.
- Women who have insufficiently developed willpower. Even if they understand that they are being manipulated, they will not have the courage to resist the tricks on the part of the man. They will not do anything to get rid of manipulation or deal with their shortcomings. Even after repeated attempts to resist negative influences, they will be vulnerable to them.
- Girls raised in a patriarchal society. They tend to obey their husband or boyfriend by default. No matter how much a womanizer a man is, no matter how long he disappears, no matter how strong a tyrant and selfish he is, such girls will remain silent and not try to defeat him or leave.
Advice from psychologists
- There is no need to be afraid of manipulation. If a girl can understand the motives behind her husband’s words and actions, she automatically receives immunity. No matter how psychopathic or manipulative a man is, it is necessary to keep a cool head and make wise decisions.
- It is not recommended to respond to manipulation with manipulation. This clearly does not contribute to the development of trusting relationships - this is the main vector towards which all the efforts of family members should be directed.
- It is impossible to change another person, you can only change yourself. Therefore, it is highly recommended to adapt your behavior by not allowing someone to invade someone else's personal space. You need to properly build a defense without attacking. You should not try to punish your husband for manipulation, or resort to various tricks to change his behavior. All people are adults. If the relationship is not satisfactory, you need to break up or replay it by mutual consent. You can take a break, then come back after a week or two and change your behavior pattern with a fresh mind.
- Manipulation cannot be completely ignored. If you do not pay attention to them for a long time, a man will simply rebel due to unfulfilled needs. You can let him manipulate in a situation that is safe for the girl.
- Breaking off the relationship is also one of the options for solving the problem. Sometimes so many mistakes have already been made with a man (or lover) that parting is a matter of time. It is better not to delay this process and try to make another man fall in love with you, with whom these mistakes will not be made.
As unpleasant as it may be, manipulation in relationships is commonplace. There is no need to make a tragedy out of this. You just have to learn to react to manipulation in the right way so that everyone can be at peace with each other.
It is advisable to do everything possible to maintain an ongoing relationship with one person. This idea is used not only in religion, but official psychology also says so. This is the only way to recognize all the strengths and weaknesses of each other and learn to interact in a relationship. The main idea of this article is that you need to learn to adapt to manipulation so as not to lose yourself.
Bottom line
You can understand that you are being manipulated intuitively. To do this, pay attention to your feelings when communicating with a person. If he is not sincere, an unpleasant aftertaste will remain. So there must be some ulterior motives involved here.
The most effective weapon against a hidden manipulator is openness . He tries to manipulate people unnoticed, you expose him, the game is over. This is difficult, but you need to set strict boundaries in communication and not turn a blind eye to his actions.
There are people who are simply accustomed to manipulation and do it unconsciously . It can be difficult to deal with them; it is often easier to come to terms with their behavior. But it won't lead to anything. You can only communicate normally when you are on the same wavelength with them. When a controversial issue arises, you will be confronted with their entire arsenal of dirty tricks. And what? Should you continue to endure and wait until you are on the same page again? That's your business. But if you value communication with such a person, it is better to say: “Why are you trying to manipulate me? I see this and it makes me uncomfortable. Stop it." Openness.
Maybe you know an easier way to identify a manipulator? Share in the comments, let's upgrade your personal protection together.
And in order not to miss the next articles, subscribe to updates by email or join on social networks. I will be glad to see everyone!
See you again! Yours Alexander Gorokhov
Important signs
Each manipulator is very resourceful and cunning. They are all different, but there are certain patterns of behavior that unite them. Signs of manipulation are as follows:
- Constantly blames everyone around.
- Does not take responsibility for his own actions.
- Doesn't speak directly about his demands.
- Often answers vaguely.
- The manipulator’s opinion depends on the situation around him or his opponent.
- Hides his needs, trying to justify them logically.
- Often criticizes and condemns.
- Requires others to have knowledge and skills in everything.
- Sends messages with the help of other people.
- Follows the principle of “Divide and Conquer”.
- Often takes the form of a victim.
- Ignores and does not fulfill requests.
- Constantly lies.
- Openly blackmails
- Very jealous.
- Can't stand criticism.
- Flatters and gives gifts to please.
- Achieves his goals at the expense of others.
- Tries to seem better than he really is.
- Does not take into account the problems of others.
How to recognize a manipulator? If at least 14 points fit the description of your friend, relative or lover, then most likely you are already under his control.
Energetic vampire
Often, manipulators not only receive the desired services from their victims, but also feed off their energy. When a person realizes that he is under the influence and cannot get out, he begins to try to fight. There is a sharp release of energy, which is what the “vampire” needs. And situations like this happen much more often than you might think. How to recognize a manipulative vampire?
Firstly, this person often causes irritation. At certain moments he is so infuriating that you want to kill him. After a while, he is loved and dear again. A manipulative vampire often plays on the feelings of his victim. For example, a husband says to his wife: “Look at you, who needs you like that.” These words cut to the core. On the one hand, the girl feels worthless and is unlikely to try to leave her husband, because she believes his words. On the other hand, her husband struck a chord with her, which means that energy has already begun to flow out.
More ways to recognize a manipulative vampire:
- You feel confused.
- After talking with a person, you have no strength.
- You can't prove anything to him.
- You feel inner emptiness after communicating with him.
Who am I
People often worry that they themselves may be manipulators. And this is quite understandable. Probably every person at least once in his life tried to control another. But in reality, only a certain percentage do this intentionally and often enough. You should not define yourself in terms of just one action. Study all kinds of situations and draw a conclusion. For example, if you have ever eaten the last candy in the house without thinking about the wishes of others, it does not mean that you are selfish. But if this manifests itself in a variety of situations, and the wishes of your loved ones don’t bother you much – in general, yes. You think only about yourself and are selfish.
