Lovely

"Let's remain friends?" - Almost everyone has heard such a phrase at least once in their life. And, unfortunately, it does not always mean the real desire of the ex-partner to be friends; most often this phrase is said in order not to seriously offend the former loved one and to smooth out the corners as much as possible when parting. But is friendship between exes really possible?

This question is asked by everyone whose relationship reaches a dead end and when the only chance not to lose a loved one is to agree to friendship. Do not forget that most breakups occur due to infidelity, betrayal, deception, or everyday problems that “cool” the ardor in the relationship. And after most cases, it is very difficult to imagine that a person can become a friend.

After a breakup, many people not only cannot remain friends, but they cannot even break up without a war, discussing behind their backs, telling everyone intimate secrets that will put the ex in a bad light. Often, former partners try to prick each other as much as possible. But still, how to avoid “military conflict in relationships”, maintain dignity and remain in warm friendly relations?

Why does a partner offer to remain friends after a relationship?

Psychologists are sure that the desire to maintain friendships after love is quite normal. But an offer to remain friends does not always imply the classic version of friendship. Often behind these words there is the usual desire to end a love story gently so as not to feel remorse. And, as a rule, such continuation of the relationship in a new capacity is chosen by the initiator of the breakup. This allows him to remove the burden of guilt and ease his soul.

When a jilted girl offers to remain friends after a relationship, this does not mean that she really expects to get a friend in the person of her beloved guy. She just wants to be closer, to keep the feeling that connected them longer, counting on the possibility of a reunion.

Sometimes you just want to have a close friend, and the man you love seems like an ideal candidate for this role. Therefore, it seems logical to provide support in difficult situations and seek help or advice. It happens that after a relationship a man wants to be friends because he connects too much with the past and it’s hard for him to break everything off at once.

If the separation was timely and honest, both retained respect for the common past and for each other, then continuation of communication and friendship is quite possible. The main condition: it must be a mutual and voluntary decision.

Basic Rules

After breaking up, it is better to take a break in communication for a certain time so that the emotions subside.
Reminders of relationships, joint photos, common things, places that connected you should be avoided. And first of all, you need to be honest with yourself, understand why everything happened this way and that everything is over, and not be under the illusion that everything will be the same.
If possible, you should try to immerse yourself in some activity or work, this will help distract you from obsessive thoughts.
And no matter how hard it is, there is no need to humiliate yourself and ask for everything to be returned, to be given a chance, to listen to you, etc.

In what cases is friendship possible after a relationship?

Often partners understand that things are heading towards a breakup, but continue to desperately hold on to each other. It’s better to put an end to it before the couple reaches the stage of rejection. If feelings have long cooled down and nothing resonates in the heart when they meet, then there is a chance of building good friendships after love.

Friendship between a man and a woman after a relationship occurs with old friends. For example, at first you were close and just communicated well, and only then became a couple. In this case, much in common that connected the two before the love relationship can preserve the previous union. Friendship, moral support in difficult times, the opportunity to get good advice from a person with whom you previously had a feeling - you can count on this if you part without mutual offense and with a light heart.

If former partners are connected by some common affairs or need to spend a lot of time together, for example at work, then they will have to build further communication in such a way as to cause less suffering to each other. If you are not friends, then you will have to maintain contact in a civilized manner when the couple has children.

When is the best time to stop communicating?

The partners have and never had anything in common

It happens that after a breakup, neither the man nor the woman understands how they managed to live together for several years - they are complete strangers to each other. Lovers separate and eventually forget the past.

This option is possible if people have nothing in common: neither children, nor business, nor common concerns.

Natalya Poletaeva.

When, in addition to the lack of common interests, goals or plans, there are no joint affairs that require the attention of each party, friendship or maintaining any relationship through force does not make sense.

One of the partners perceives friendship as an opportunity to return the relationship

One is sure that everything is in order: you can share intimate details of your new life, talk about everyday little things and praise your passion. The other, gritting his teeth, pretends that he is glad to listen to all this, but in fact he hopes that everything will return to normal. He lives in illusions and waits for the imaginary friendship to develop into a relationship. And this is a traumatic experience that will cause nothing but discomfort for one and pain and disappointment for another.

One partner has a destructive influence on the other

You should get out of a toxic relationship once and for all. They are unlikely to lead to anything good. And you shouldn’t expect that after a breakup, anything will change in the behavior of a toxic person, and that friendships will be very different from romantic ones.

Larisa Milova

family psychologist, procedural psychotherapist, genetic psychologist and trauma therapist.

Not all connections are worth keeping. For example, if a person is a psychopath and wants to harm you, it would be better to stop any interaction with him.

Sometimes after breaking up, one tries with all his might to get the other back: threatens, tries to cause physical or moral harm. If you follow the lead, you risk returning to an obviously doomed union.

The partners were not friends even when they were together

If the union was based on passion and other emotions that fade over time, and there was no sign of a friendly subtext, where would it come from after parting? You had a good time together, but you always turned to other people for support or advice, did not share your experiences with your ex-lover and did not trust him. Most likely, even after the breakup, he will be the last person you want to come to if you need friendship.

The breakup was too painful

For example, it happened on the initiative of one, and the second did not want to leave at all. Or it was all about treason and betrayal. It’s difficult to talk about friendship here, at least until the pain and negative emotions subside. And this may take months or even years.

The fact is that friendship is based on mutual affection and trust. And when people break up, this attachment is broken.

Oleg Ivanov.

Why is it impossible to remain friends?

If your relationship was toxic and caused one or both of them to suffer at the same time, then breaking up will be a release and should not continue. The main thing is to take into account the mistakes of unhealthy relationships and prevent them in the future.

It is unlikely that communication will continue when the two were connected by blind passion, and everything was built on physical attraction to each other. Passions have subsided, nothing binds you anymore, which means you can move on, each on your own path.

Fear of loneliness pushes the girl to offer to remain friends. For some time it will be possible to fill the spiritual emptiness, but this method makes it impossible to open up to new relationships. You shouldn’t cling to an outdated connection; it’s better to look around carefully.

If there has been a betrayal or the separation was too painful, resentment and anger remain, perhaps even hatred, then in such cases the continuation of friendly relations is absolutely impossible.

There is no point in being friends if one partner seems to be obliged by a sense of duty. In such matters there are no obligations and “you won’t be nice by force.” If you decide to leave, leave.

Sometimes an attempt to maintain a good relationship with a once close and well-known person is a simple manipulation: being nearby, you have the opportunity to monitor and influence the life of your ex-partner. It is better to stop such “friendly participation” immediately and end everything on a good note.

Leave past quarrels behind

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Of course, this is easier said than done: most relationships already have some kind of disagreement built into them, which can be difficult to get rid of soon after it ends. You and your ex won't soon forget the personal sacrifices you had to make or the minor troubles you went through.

You may also harbor resentment over the breakup itself. It's important to remember that if your goal is to remain polite and friendly, you need to act accordingly. This can be as simple as saying hello to each other when you meet, or offering your help when you know your ex needs it.

When you meet again, he will not be a different person to you. Triggers will inevitably pop up in your head that will make you remember past quarrels. Just remember: now that you've broken up, you no longer have to prove who's right and who's wrong. If the reason for the quarrels is no longer relevant, focus on the need to improve the relationship, and not on the desire to prove that you are right.

see also

15 tips for those who want to strengthen and prolong relationships

What to do if you are offered to remain friends after a relationship

Everyone has their own sad breakup story, but everyone, in the end, continues to live and look for new love. The worst solution would be to maintain contact out of pity - it will become even harder, and “pouring salt into the wound” is inhumane. When a man offers to remain friends after a relationship, first end your love story, leave it in the past, and then try to establish friendship together.

Think carefully if a guy offers to remain friends after the relationship. Maybe he still hopes to revive your feelings, and you, giving in, will consider him an “alternate airfield.” In general, friendship after love has too little chance of existing and it’s easier to immediately stop communicating.

Help from a psychologist

Whether or not to remain friends after the relationship ends is your choice. But if, after many attempts to understand the situation and recover after a breakup, you cannot achieve positive results, consider seeking help from a psychologist who is a specialist in this field and can provide you with qualified assistance.

Author: Lepinskaya Violetta Olegovna

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How to maintain friendships after a breakup

Agreeing to such a scenario, you need to prepare for a painful and difficult relationship for both. The easy way is impossible, because the couple will have to re-establish communication, but in a new capacity.

Take a break and let off some steam, cool down, forgive yourself and your ex-partner. This will take time, and it will be different for each couple. In each case of separation, one party will be the most affected. Let everything settle down and clarity and understanding appear - perhaps you will already regret that you agreed to continue and want to call it a day. Or maybe, on the contrary, there will be a need to sometimes meet as good friends.

The biggest misconception is to hope that everything will be the same as before. You will have to honestly admit to yourself that your communication has moved to another level of intimacy and it is necessary to define personal boundaries for everyone. Don't do anything that you wouldn't do with regular friends. Few people were able to deal with this calmly and wisely, maintaining respect and trust. The better you agree on everything, the easier it will be for you to keep in touch.

Don't have a "memory night" or try to continue communicating at the same pace, as this may have the opposite effect. If you are counting on friendship with your former partners, then do not bring your past problems to public discussion and refuse the help of mutual acquaintances to bring you together again. After a relationship, you can remain friends if your meetings do not hurt anyone, and you consider this way of relationship acceptable.

Respect each other's decision to move on

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Whether it's 2 weeks or 2 years, your ex's first relationship after your breakup can sting. Don't offer friendship until you are willing to respect any of his choices, including his choice of partner. Be honest with yourself about whether you can handle him and his new flame, and act accordingly. Dr. Nerdlove, blogger and dating coach says:

“In the early days of trying to rekindle a friendship, it's normal to not want to know anything about your ex's dating life. But as long as you acknowledge, rather than deny, that your ex-partner is seeing other people. Forcing him to pretend that this part of his life doesn't exist just to spare your feelings will demonstrate your immaturity and selfishness.
You can tell them that you'd rather not talk about a new partner (yet), but if you're going to end your relationship forever, you need to act like an adult and deal with this issue."

Over time, your ex's new relationship will no longer be a sore subject for you. Their new partners may not want to be your friend (you are their ex, after all), but your kindness will prevent any potential negativity and smooth over the awkwardness.

Is it possible to start all over again

Some are confident that by maintaining friendly communication, they will be able to return to a love relationship again after a while. Such confidence can lead to severe disappointment, because friendship implies a platonic relationship. If the couple moved to another level, then everyone received personal freedom and the opportunity to arrange their own lives. When an ex-girlfriend shares her impressions of a new guy like a friend, this can cause anger and jealousy. The best way to get your passion back is not to become friends, but to let her go.

The couple decides to separate in order to separate and not torment each other. When the relationship is over, there is nothing left to salvage and you should call it a day. Friendship between former lovers is possible, but it requires much more effort and time than love. It is better to spend life's resources on the opportunity to move on, rather than look back.

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