After breaking up, many men continue to be friends with their ex-girlfriend. This topic causes a lot of controversy and mixed opinions. Not only do many people believe that there is no friendship at all between a guy and a girl, but here the question of friendly relations between former lovers arises. Why men take this step and what it entails is discussed below.
Should you be friends with your ex-girlfriend?
After breaking up, young people often remain friends. Regardless of who initiated the breakup, if it happened relatively peacefully, then former partners often consider the option of friendly communication. A guy can use friendship to leave a girl some comfort, or he really perceives her as a friend and advisor.
Sex facts
The first king of Saudi Arabia had sexual contact with 44,530 women in his lifetime.
Or the girl insists on friendship. Trying to maintain at least some connection with your loved one. But the question arises: what does such friendship give? It implies support and mutual assistance, trust. That is, the guy will know about the new relationship of his former passion and will have to fly to the other side of the city to console her.
It is unknown how his new girlfriend or wife will react to this friendship with his ex, because women are extremely jealous and do not tolerate competition even from their friends. On the other hand, by remaining a friend, the guy seems to leave hope for the girl, even if he himself does not plan anything else with her. Not the most honest thing to do, is it.
If neither the guy nor the girl finds a new mate (and even if they do find one), they often engage in sexual relations “as friends.” They differ from relationships “for love” in that you can sleep and not bear responsibility, “we are just friends.”
However, it happens that a guy is friends with his ex, and she really becomes his best friend, understands and supports him, and already knows his character and inner world well. Yes, there is such a friendship, sincere and not vulgar. But it is rare. Therefore, based on all that has been said, we can conclude that the guy makes the decision about friendship or ending all communication with his ex-girlfriend himself. It all depends on his personal moral qualities.
They separated like ships at sea...
In 90% of cases, when a love affair ends, one of the participants suffers more than the other. And even if outwardly both separated people look quite happy with life, perhaps this is just an attempt to “keep face.” Most psychologists advise their clients not to think about how to communicate with ex-lovers. On the contrary, such contacts should be excluded or minimized. It is especially important to adhere to this tactic immediately after a breakup. Even if the relationship ended on your initiative, stress cannot be avoided. After the end of the novel, the lifestyle changes, everything becomes different than it was. It is unlikely that you will be able to sort out your feelings quickly. This is the case when time really heals. It is best to wait at least two weeks immediately after breaking up and only then try to build a relationship with your past again.
Why does a man want to be friends with his ex-girlfriend?
In different situations, the reasons for men maintaining friendly relations with their exes vary.
- The first reason for maintaining a good relationship is the presence of children together. When communicating with children, a man will also see their mother, and, accordingly, communicate with her and resolve any issues regarding the upbringing of common children.
- Happy moments. Yes, yes, men perfectly remember all the most pleasant things associated with a particular girl. And even just communicating with her for a short time transports him to those happy moments, allowing him to refresh his memories and emotions.
- Adviсe. That girl already knows him well enough, so even if there is a new relationship, a man can turn to his ex for advice. Most likely, he really trusts her.
- Common interests, hobbies or work. If there are no people around him who are ready to share his hobby or his new lover is not at all interested in this side of a man’s life, then he will choose as an interlocutor the one with whom he broke up, but who is aware of his hobbies, work and is ready to discuss it.
- Sincere feelings. This is likely in the case when the girl insisted on breaking up, and the guy really loves her, so he is trying to maintain at least some kind of connecting thread. This communication is fraught with the fact that the girl, knowing about his feelings, can manipulate the man. Therefore, we recommend reading our next article about ways to get your ex-girlfriend back.
- Self-interest. If the girl the man broke up with is smart, rich, or well-connected, out of selfish motives he may maintain a good or neutral relationship in case he needs her help. Of course, such an act does not make a man look good, but it takes place in the modern world.
- Sex. Intimate relationships at any time “out of friendship” are something that almost no man will refuse. And even a new relationship will not save him if he wants to experience those sensations again and repeat those caresses. A man is not always looking for something “fresh”; sometimes he is drawn to the past.
Divorce of parents and children
Children should not suffer because of their parents' divorce. This simple truth of life sometimes seems quite complicated in practice. How to communicate with your ex-husband if you have children together? This situation is one of the most difficult. After a divorce, parents should explain what happened to their children as delicately as possible. For every child, this situation is frightening and stressful. But it is the parents who are able to smooth out what happened as much as possible. A parent living separately after a divorce must pay enough attention to the child and actively participate in his life. At the same time, the parent with whom the children live must do everything possible to maintain this contact. Even if the divorce occurred under negative circumstances, children should not know this.
Cons of being friends with your ex-girlfriend
The advantages are clear. In general, they are almost identical to the reasons given above and apply not only to men, but also partly to women. Women, however, are more emotional and perceive everything somewhat differently. There are a number of disadvantages in friendship between exes, which also affect both partners.
- If one of them still has feelings, then simply friendly communication will be constant torture for the lover, especially since he will see the cool attitude towards himself on the part of the other. Or she will bother him with her feelings. Such friendship will only bring suffering, and it is better to end it immediately.
- Such friendships can interfere with new feelings. No, feelings will arise, but hardly anyone will like (and this is especially true for girls) for their loved one to pay attention to their ex.
- Here there is a danger of awakening old feelings and destroying the new couple. Jealousy, mistrust, and misunderstanding arise between lovers, which does not go well in the situation between them.
- If the friendship is successful, another unpleasant situation may arise: it will be impossible to discuss your personal life, because this will provoke jealousy.
- New betrayal. We talked and talked, and then - ignored. Again it hurts and hurts. The friendship also ended. Is it worth it?
What psychologists say
Well, first of all, the thought that he is with you now should warm your soul. So you are better! This is exactly what many family psychologists say. But, unfortunately, the advice is completely useless, because only 15% of women can feel completely self-sufficient and do not need every minute confirmation that she is the only one for her husband. And the rest will have to work with their self-esteem and increase it hourly. And many people do not have enough strength or energy for such work. But only this will bring results.
If a man chose you, it means you are better than his previous woman. In you he found what he was looking for. Think about it, their relationship was less than ideal and that's why they broke up. Maybe she humiliated him, or paid little attention to him and did not give him affection, maybe she decided everything herself, or, or, or...
When should you be wary of your lover's friendship with his ex?
If your friendship with your ex does not go beyond the bounds of decency, there is no need to worry. In fact, it would be nice to get to know her herself, to get to know her a little, but not to get close.
However, there are times when such communication goes beyond what is permitted. Girls need to start worrying in several cases:
- The young man began to hide (or initially hid, and then the truth was revealed) his communication with the girl with whom he broke up. Some constant calls, SMS, meetings. He doesn’t want to talk about this topic and remains silent.
- And he does not want to explain anything or he is deceiving - in this case the matter is unclean. And either there really is help in solving problems, or it’s time to leave this man.
- Another situation. A man has no secrets from his beloved, he does not hide his communication with ex-girlfriends (girlfriend), perhaps two women even know each other. However, a man makes a choice in favor of his girlfriend, abandons his affairs in order to meet or fulfill her requests, puts his beloved in the background, and can sacrifice a lot for the sake of friendship without sacrificing the same for the sake of love.
- Comparisons. Comparisons are possible even without friendship with your ex. A man constantly compares his lover and his ex, praises the latter’s virtues, and constantly sets her up as an example. Or, on the contrary, he constantly scolds his ex and praises his current girlfriend. Neither option is acceptable in principle.
- He considers his past ideal and constantly remembers it.
Idealizes the past and constantly talks about it. It would seem that there is nothing wrong with harmless memories. However, it is not. First, he will idealize his past life, then remember the pleasant moments of past “ideal” relationships, then he will want to return to that happy time, and, perhaps, to that girl... Especially if he already communicates with her.
They may have common memories of the time they spent together, and simply communicate into frank conversations. All feelings may return. And in this case, it’s not far from treason.
In essence, the past is the past, no matter how good it was. However, it can destroy any relationship and even a family. It is imperative to immediately clarify the situation and talk with your loved one so that there are no omissions.
- Constantly nervous, withdrawn, or aggressive. And any sudden changes in a man’s mental state. When observing such an unusual state, it is better to immediately talk to your boyfriend and find out the reason.
- And if the reason lies in his ex, here you need to make a decision: either return to her, if the feelings remain, then the girl should let him go, because she won’t be happy with him anyway. Or forget the past and build a new life and new relationships, take care of your woman. And this choice will be up to the man. Hysterics and scandals will not solve anything.
Ignore if possible
The easiest way is to completely ignore him or her. Ignoring your ex will eliminate all potential for confrontation and awkwardness.
Of course, it will be difficult to do this if you have mutual friends. If you find yourself in a position where you met your ex through mutual friends, you will have to make a decision:
- Try to maintain communication.
- It is better to end friendships with mutual acquaintances.
The second option will allow you to avoid collisions, albeit at a cost.
Try to calm down
Meeting an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend is an awkward moment that tests your nerves. Remind yourself that your last partner is just as nervous as you are. If you can calm down, you have already won half the battle.
If you think there is no way to avoid confronting your ex, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly will help calm your nervousness. When you are in a normal state, you will be able to control your emotions and allow yourself to think rationally.
Regardless of the reasons for the breakup, get all the memories out of your head.
A chance meeting: a test of emotional stability
Here, if, again, after this chance meeting, she writes you a message and pings you, that’s great. If there is nothing, that’s also normal, and you feel comfortable again. Continue to live, follow the path you are on, take care of yourself, and I am sure that everything will be fine for you.
If it so happened that you felt normal, but met your ex and “floated”, you had emotions, feelings, experiences - this, of course, is bad. This means that your self-confidence and calmness were still very unstable, shaky. The mere appearance of your ex in your life ruined everything.
Take care of yourself and work more deeply on your condition in order to really feel as comfortable, stable as possible, and no longer depend on the appearance of your ex in your life.
First reaction: act natural
The first piece of advice that I want to give everyone is this: it is very important to be as natural as possible and in no case bother with the topic “how to look in such a way as to make some kind of impression on your ex.” Especially if the ex is not alone. There is no need to curry favor with her in any way; in general, behavior should be as natural as possible.
In general, there are a number of basic tips, however, among them there are some that are generally inappropriate, for example, getting back into a relationship. I hope you already understand why.
And here I will also focus on some advice from various would-be psychologists, experts on YouTube, who say that you need to be super confident, persistent, and unemotional. In a word, to be in the “on top” position and make some very cool impression on your ex with your unrivaledness.
Give up conflict
Avoid trying too hard to make your ex feel bad. You will face confrontation if you tend to make your ex feel bad or retaliate by showing how easy you feel without him.
Always remind yourself that confrontation is not the way to show that you have moved on.
You will only appear more serious if you can remain calm. Show maturity and control your anger if you want to overcome this awkward situation.
