- September 10, 2018
- Psychology of Personality
- Antonova Ksenia
What do you call people who think only about themselves? Selfish. For some reason, most people consider this character trait to be negative and need to be gotten rid of. But psychologists have a different opinion. They believe that moderate selfishness is good, so a person can “filter out” everything that is insignificant for him, while caring about the feelings of other people.
What it is
People who think only about themselves have always evoked not very pleasant feelings among others. What is egoism? Selfishness is when a person puts his own interests above the interests of the people around him. He believes that achieving his goals is most important. Psychologists call such egoism “primitive.” And more intelligent, well-mannered people understand perfectly well that sometimes you need to listen to the opinions of others.
Reasonable egoism is when a person, when achieving his goals, also takes into account the interests of others. A person understands that he can satisfy his ambitions only if he benefits society. Of course, a reasonable egoist also wants to achieve his goals, but the ways to achieve them differ in wisdom.
Reasonable egoists understand that they need to have a sense of proportion and that not all methods are suitable for satisfying their ambitions. Such a person is distinguished by an ethical attitude towards others, respect for their opinions, lack of aggression and a willingness to cooperate with other people.
Manifestations
People who think only about themselves can also treat others with respect. They try to find a balance between their interests and the interests of others. How does reasonable egoism manifest itself?
- A person constantly improves himself. He strives to become better, to improve the quality of his life, but at the same time he does not take into account the opinions of other people. Of course, this is a manifestation of selfishness, but reasonable. After all, if a person feels good and is full of strength, then he will be able to do much more good and useful deeds for society.
- Charity - yes, this is also a manifestation of reasonable egoism. Yes, a person helps unselfishly, but at the same time he receives satisfaction from his activities due to the understanding that he has helped other people become happier and they are grateful to him for this.
For a reasonable egoist, the emotional component is more important than material values. This is how a person gets to know himself better, learns to find balance and inner harmony.
The meaning of the word perfectionist
The word perfectionist comes from the English perfect, which means perfection. But since there are no perfect people, perfectionists simply strive for this.
Perfectionism can be either an adequate personality trait or a deviation from the norm; in this case, it is a neurosthenic form. In Tal Ben-Shahar's book “The Perfectionist Paradox,” these types are called adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism.
There are several types of perfectionism:
- self-directed: the desire to be ideal;
- directed towards others: high demands on others;
- peace-oriented: the belief that the world should conform to certain rules and laws.
Some people believe that perfectionist and idealist are synonyms, but these are concepts from different areas and there is not much in common between them.
Distinctive character traits of reasonable egoists
People who think only about themselves communicate with very few people. For them, their own comfort is above all, they are very selective in terms of communication. And those around you don’t really want to interact with people who don’t care about other people’s feelings.
But this is about primitive egoism, but reasonable egoists differ significantly from them. They do not tell people about their desires, they look for more delicate ways to fulfill them. This is due to the fact that they understand that they need to respect the opinions of others.
Such egoists are well versed in human psychology and understand that they will achieve their goals faster if they treat others with respect. Also, reasonable egoists understand that it is best to engage in self-development and do useful things for society - thanks to this, other people will be happy to communicate with them. After all, a reasonable egoist understands that interaction with others is important for achieving success.
I often feel “worse than others”
Hello. I am 25 years old. I often feel “worse than others.” Although I believe that I have adequate self-esteem. I am constantly jealous of others: that they travel, that they have a husband, or that they do things that I can’t do (like metalwork or good English). Moreover, I summarize all this envy and thus I compare myself with the collective image of a “superman” who can do everything that I cannot. I don’t like to brag (post photos to contacts, etc.), but I like to be praised. I try very hard to receive this praise, but for some reason, after my efforts, I may not receive it or I may even be scolded. I am afraid to give 100 percent (for example, in creativity - to do work for a competition or exhibition). Firstly, it is quite difficult when you also work and need to do things around the house. Secondly, I’m afraid that if I give it my all, to the max, and don’t take a place, I will be very upset because I think that I do it well (and this is my talent), but according to the jury, this is not So. I'm afraid of losing the remnants of self-confidence (that's why sometimes I prefer not to even participate). I want to be the best, then I will feel like everyone else. I want to do everything well, but all the time some problems arise (at work or somewhere else), for which I worry and think “it would be better this way” (I just sometimes torture myself with these thoughts that people look and notice the problem and think badly of me). And I want everyone to love me.
I don’t particularly like to share my experiences and thoughts; I keep everything to myself (unlike my sister and mother). I can trust those closest to me, but only my family (I don’t tell my friends personal information, they can use it to sting more painfully during a quarrel; and I will be ashamed of my “weakness,” because I want to seem strong and carefree to them). I used to tell my grandmother everything (when I was at school), but later my mother and father divorced and my mother, sister and I moved to another city. I had no one to share with. At first I endured, but then life forced me to share with my sister and mother. But they don’t understand me, and sometimes they don’t even listen. Mom overly controls me and my sister (she has taken on the role of the man in the house... and a tyrant). And this control is not the kind when they ask you to return home at 23.00 (“standard” control has never been unnecessary, I am responsible and they trusted me). But they controlled thoughts, feelings and statements: mom is always right, we must do as she needs, etc. If you want to live peacefully and without scandals, you need to fulfill the following requirements:
do what mom says (if we prepared food, mom came home from work, but she wants something else, she needs to cook it;
Dad is always to blame for everything;
if she doesn’t like it, then she needs to redo it, serve it, bring it (even if she goes closer);
you must be humble about everything, and if your mother says to do it today, then do it today (even if you have other plans).
I always proved something to someone: that I’m not boring, that you can be friends with me, that I can. Then I realized that no one needs my achievements except me, and someone does it better, or someone is just bolder and he gets it, but I don’t even try, because I’m afraid. And if only this, but all this happens in a complex: few friends and rare meetings (and sometimes I’m even afraid to invite someone somewhere, because they might refuse...after all, it often happened that they refused (business and other everyday reasons); absence a young man (I can’t even imagine where to get one and why others have one and I don’t... I’m very good); financial problems, loans, etc.; a job that I don’t really like (and I want to do something else, but it so happens that because of the previous point I depend on this one, well, I’m just afraid); a family in which not everything is so smooth; well, the only thing that still somehow fluctuates is my favorite thing, creativity, something I’m sure of (but periodically this confidence goes away).
I don’t like lying and pretending, but I have to do it all the time. Mom is kind and sympathetic with other people, but with us it’s the opposite (she, of course, helps us with my sister, but not like that... sometimes it seems that she will give away her last,... sometimes this happened... a large amount of debt (which is then not repaid) and etc…..my sister also has this feature, everything is different, and then the family.
Sometimes it seems to me that my sister is given more concessions (she is the youngest): I am asked to do something more, she is scolded less; when I have to apologize (after a quarrel with my mother...I always apologize...always...because my mother is always right), and in the same situation she doesn’t care, she’ll just leave, lock herself in the room...and the next day, how not There have been quarrels (and they can sulk at me for several days, even if it’s not my fault at all, but my sister’s (I just fell under the hot hand... and the funny thing is that in this situation I also apologize).
If you can advise me on what to do, I will be very glad. Thank you very much.
I often feel like my body is not mine (1 answer)
The meaning of reasonable egoism
Selfishness is a kind of filter that helps a person discard everything insignificant and focus on achieving his goals. It is also a good motivation for self-improvement. It’s just important that a person then takes into account not only his own interests, but also helps other people.
But he must not only take into account the interests of others, but also help them. Reasonable egoism can be considered a manifestation of a strong personality. A strong person will be able to take care not only of himself, but also of other people. At the same time, he can unselfishly help not so that he will no longer be considered an egoist, but simply because he can do a good deed.
But weak individuals who help everyone, although they themselves need help, do this precisely in order to be supported in return. And this is not a manifestation of reasonable egoism. That’s why it’s so important for a person to engage in self-development and become stronger.
Selfishness in relationships
Selfishness in relationships is a problem for most couples, because most often it manifests itself in a primitive form. A selfish man is an owner who does not even try to control his jealousy, but rather treats his beloved as a beautiful decoration.
But women can also be owners, especially if they have always been treated like a princess. Growing up, they believe that everyone should treat them as a treasure, and they only choose who to honor with their attention. But this does not mean that there cannot be reasonable selfishness in a relationship.
This, on the contrary, can help their development. Especially if someone in the couple is familiar with human psychology. For example, if one of the lovers wants his half to engage in self-development, he will begin to do this himself, so that the other person will have an incentive for self-improvement. But it is important that even reasonable egoism be in moderation.
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