To take care about SMB, help, provide, feed, listen, protect, hug... All of these actions require courage, generosity and a lot of effort.
Caring , despite its complexity, has many benefits. The thought of being rewarded by caring for people is disconcerting. It is not easy for those who are not used to showing concern for others to come to an understanding of the meaning of caring. Is it possible to only be concerned about your own interests?
Know yourself
In order not to worry about what other people think, it is important to learn to understand yourself. Think about what is truly important and valuable to you, what you will never agree with, what you really are.
In order to please other people and make them think well of us, we often pretend to be something other than who we are. But this is not always to our advantage - many of the people around us see this pretense. If we are convinced of what we think is right, worrying about what others will say is reduced to zero.
Blame, count and distract
The “peacemaker” acts in tandem with the “accuser ,” who blames others for everything and discovers that the “peacemaker” is always ready to take the blame upon himself. Neither position makes a person feel truly good, but both bring temporary relief: the “peacemaker” feels better when the other becomes a little happier, and the “accuser” feels strong when others submit to him and admit guilt.
Someone who has adopted the “reasoner” will appear impartial and logical. In reality, such people are emotionally detached and insist that everyone obey the rules (this type is also called a “computer”).
The fourth type, the “distractor ,” takes on the task of persuading others to think about anything other than what is actually happening. This person abruptly changes the topic of conversation and ridicules everything.
Satir suggests that the problem with these four positions is the imbalance between the self, the other person, and the context. “The Peacemaker” erases itself from the picture of what is happening; the “accuser” does not take the other person into account; the “reasoner” loses sight of both himself and the other and respects only the context; and the “distractor” treats himself and others lightly, while losing sight of the context.
Through the return of a lost part—the Self, the other, or the context—the true, authentic Self begins to feel safe and ready to emerge.
I think most of our emotional rules are meant to be broken. For example: “I should never be angry with the person I love...” Such rules need to be broken, because they are inhumane rules that are simply impossible to comply with. Virginia Satir
Find out your pain points
You need to be able to recognize moments when you are worried about what other people will think of you, and work with them. For example, you may sit in the office and worry every day about what your colleagues think of you. Or at a party you feel like everyone is looking at you just because there’s something wrong with you.
Instead of denying the problem, learn to “catch” such moments and calm yourself down. Accept your feelings and then let them go and turn your attention to something more important. It may seem really difficult at first, but the more you do this exercise, the easier it will be to deal with moments of anxiety. Over time, there will be fewer of them - the brain will “retrain” to perceive such moments as triggers, and it will be easier for you to cope with the desire to seek approval from other people.
The path to self-development is through compassion - is it really so?
Between social emotions and moral actions there is an intermediate link in the form of introspection, which involves an understanding of visceral sensations. The latter represent the body's reactions to various feelings or the influence of environmental factors (for example, the appearance of goosebumps from fear, frost or pleasure).
Neuroscientists were able to find out that these emotions lead to a surge of activity in areas of the cerebral cortex included in the network corresponding to a sense of self-importance. Increased activity of this network usually occurs at the moment when an individual makes a moral judgment.
In other words, visceral processes serve as a bridge between social emotions and personal incentives for moral actions.
Earning money for daily needs, providing necessities for your family, and taking care of your own children is important. But finding time and money for your own development is necessary in order to move forward.
Self-awareness through caring for someone
Caring for someone is necessary so that a sense of self-identification is formed and it is easier for a person to understand himself. Conversely, the maturity of one’s own self is the basis for empathy and concern for another. That is, the development of the ability to take care of oneself occurs in cases where a person takes care of someone.
The category of care is transformed, acquiring a transcendental character. In this sense, care already acquires a broad meaning, representing not just concern for the well-being of one’s own self, but a way of existence.
Admit that you don't really need other people's approval.
The feeling of approval we receive from other people lasts only a few hours. Then we are left alone with our thoughts and can worry whether we did the right thing.
The less we seek approval from other people, the less anxiety there is that something is wrong with us. We feel good regardless of the opinions of others. Remember that it is simply impossible to please everyone. Learn to be satisfied with your work, actions, hobbies and outlook on life, no matter how many people share your point of view with you. And also to enjoy even small victories - in this material we talked about why this is important.
Pessimists
Having experienced painful and even tragic events, such people do not let go of bad memories from their lives. They seem to revel in sad events, plunging themselves and those around them into negativity. There can be no bright future next to such a person. A pessimist tries in every possible way to instill a psychological atmosphere of decline, pain and disappointment without any hint of bright hope.
Moreover, such people are guided not by logical assumptions, but by far-fetched conjectures and fantasies with shades of pessimism. They build a picture of the world that they themselves want to see in their lives and in the destinies of those around them.
Ask yourself if this will matter in a year.
You dropped a glass of coffee on the street, and a passerby looked at you askance. You joked among your friends, but they didn’t laugh and continued the conversation. Or your friend remained thoughtfully silent when you showed off your new dress.
Think about whether this will be important to you in a year. Friends won’t even remember about the bad joke, a passerby will forget about you and your embarrassment in half an hour. You don't have to take your friend's opinion into account if you like the dress.
Ask yourself often whether what happened will be important in the long run, and if you get a negative answer, force yourself to let go of negative thoughts.
People who hate life
These are toxic people who do not so much strive to cultivate anger and aggression as they hate all the joyful aspects of life. They resist all positive turns in their own destiny, and at the same time prevent those around them from feeling happy. If someone next to such a person begins to talk about good events in their life, the reaction of the toxic interlocutor will be to point out negative factors. He will certainly find something to complain about and speak out about it, ruining the mood of those around him.
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Remember there are more important things
Think about how much important and useful you could do instead of thinking about what thoughts others have in their heads. For example, think about the plot of a story that you have long wanted to write. Or call your mom to chat about holiday dinner recipes. Or read a book and immerse yourself in it.
Learn to make the truly important things a priority, just like your own life. In our desire to please others, we can spend too much time and energy on this. But this is not always justified. We talked in detail about ways to start living for yourself in this material.
Gossipers
The main motive of such a person is the desire to belittle other people. His words are always saturated with poison and bile, and addressed to mutual acquaintances. They constantly gossip, share other people's secrets, discuss the personal lives of mutual friends, criticize and condemn them. The desire to break off relations with such a person arises naturally, but there are also more subtle representatives of this category who behave in a veiled manner. They feel by the reaction of their interlocutor when they cross the line, and stop in time. The only thing that truly scares a toxic gossip is the risk of experiencing their own pain.
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Stop thinking that others always have it better
We worry about what another person thinks of us because we believe that they are somehow better or more important than us. He may have a successful career, a big house, or a great relationship. We may feel embarrassed that we don't have something similar.
But if we always believe that someone is necessarily better than us, we develop a negative outlook and anxiety. In fact, we will never know the “pitfalls” from other people’s lives and how things are really going for them. Therefore, you should not perceive someone else’s success or status in society as a personal defeat.
Instead of worrying about what the “perfect” person will think of you, accept the fact that we are all imperfect. And that's quite normal.
When you have to adapt
The satir wondered what it would be like to be a member of a dysfunctional family where communication is either minimal or what is said is hurtful, confusing, or just plain false.
Rigid rules are established as if by magic, because no one has explicitly introduced them, but somehow all family members know about their existence. There's a lot to figure out, especially for children who need to find a way to fit safely into the family system. In functional families, where parents are focused on the needs of the children and do not feel obliged to “represent the law,” the child will never think about whether he is loved—the question does not even arise.
In less functional families, by contrast, the child learns to recognize which actions produce a negative effect (the parent gets angry or ignores the child, for example), and which ones produce a better response (the parent smiles or rewards him in some way). In the interests of survival, the child begins to repeat these actions and reactions to people around him, which provoke a good response - this is an adaptive strategy.
This is how children adapt to their families, becoming people who maintain the balance of the family system, allowing it to stay afloat. Satir identified four main adaptive strategies that children use: “peacemaker”, “accuser”, “reasoner” and “distractor”.
These are not personality types, but communication styles that determine how we react to other people. While inherently protective, they do not reflect the child’s true feelings, which are hidden behind the playing out of the scenarios.
Stop thinking that everyone is judging you
We may worry about what other people will think because we are afraid of being judged. This often occurs in people who grew up in families with strict parents. The desire to please others is ingrained in them from childhood, like other habits that we have already talked about here.
So, you need to learn to cope with the fear of condemnation if you want to worry less. Accept the fact that people have different opinions, as well as views on things. And that the people who judge you feel the same way about themselves.
Remember that everyone has the right to their opinion, but this does not mean that they are necessarily right.
Features of toxic relationships
The main characteristic of relationships with such people is expressed in constant negativity and emotional suppression. This does not always happen clearly, but over time the negative psychological background of the relationship becomes more and more obvious. What is very important is that “victims” are not always aware of whose fault it is that their quality of life is deteriorating. Even when they identify a toxic person in their environment, banal psychological manipulation prevents them from breaking out of his network. The ability to manage people in one’s own interests is another negative factor that aggravates the situation of others.
Develop thick skin without feeling guilty about it
Many people feel guilty when they put themselves first in life. Or they do things without receiving the approval of others.
Making your own decisions and reducing your anxiety can feel really uncomfortable at first. For example, when we say “no” to a friend’s request to once again borrow money for some small thing. And he never repays his debts. We feel guilty for not helping him and we wonder what thoughts are spinning in his head: whether he considers us a “traitor” or a greedy person.
Dispel such thoughts with affirmations that you did the right thing. In this situation, for example, you are absolutely not obligated to share the finances you have earned for free. In addition, you really may not have free funds to lend them. And the very concept of “debt” implies returning the money, but your friend does not do this.
Should you take care of yourself first?
Caring for people is equivalent to the expression: “Love yourself, and then you will love those around you.” You must first take care of yourself in order to then be able to take care of a person.
Let's look at an example that clearly demonstrates the principle. According to aviation rules, if turbulence occurs and oxygen masks fall out, you must first put the mask on yourself, and then on the child. To take care of your child, you need to ensure your own safety.
Showing care for your neighbor who is broken by illness is impossible if you can’t sleep at night. It is extremely important to take into account your own needs, and not at all for selfish reasons, but quite the opposite. This way you will help your loved one in a rational, not frantic way.
*It is important not to confuse self-love and self-respect with egocentrism. Drive away the feeling of guilt. Egocentric people provide help to others solely to inflate their sense of self-importance to incredible proportions. Individuals who love themselves realize that if they have learned to take care of themselves, then it will be much easier for them to take care of someone else.
The relationship between caring for others and worrying about oneself
When a person takes care of people , his ability to take care of himself begins to develop. According to neuroscientists, these two skills are closely related. When an individual admires others and shows compassion, neural structures in his brain are activated that help form self-awareness.
Caring for others forces a person to reflect on his own self, influences his moral choices, and also encourages him to take part in charitable activities.
In matters concerning self-care, the individual does not protect the boundaries of his self, but, on the contrary, strives to overcome them, that is, he steps over his pride. This is how humanity develops, a sincere desire to care.
In such a desirable, but difficult to implement coordinate system, it is possible to return selflessness, selflessness, restore lost connections, and show genuine concern for people. It is likely that life in society will no longer evoke strong associations with the battlefield for personal gain.
Shredding and individualization of morality
No one cares about others anymore . Currently, there is a moral crisis in society, which is directly related to the cult of egocentrism. Narcissists and hedonists have “abolished” moral regulation, considering it just a kind of entertainment.
As a result of this, a change in moral attitudes occurs. Communities are destroyed, as a result of which personal responsibility to others is weakened. All contacts in one way or another come down to functional dependence, while morality is understood exclusively as the individual’s responsibility to his own person.
It would seem that such morality helps prevent wrong actions, but the range of its action is very limited. In this case, we are talking about a very narrow meaning of this concept - the instinct of self-preservation, for example. In essence, this kind of self-care is more like concern or even a kind of apprehension.
Raising egocentrism to the absolute level is, according to neuroscientists, a vulnerable position.
Surround yourself with like-minded people
If you have a friend who, despite the opinions of others, does what she likes, try to communicate with her more often. You can honestly ask how she does it.
Also surround yourself with confident people who express their own feelings and are not shy about sharing opinions that differ from others. You can attend debates, a literary evening where books are discussed, forums where people actively, but calmly and respectfully express their point of view.
And if you often communicate with people who also depend on the opinions of others, it will be quite difficult to get rid of such thinking. We're not saying to give up on them entirely - you need to learn to recognize when their conversations are negatively impacting you.
Each person is individual
Photo by Ivan Samkov: Pexels
In fact, this topic is as old as the world, and people have discussed it hundreds of thousands of times and will never be able to come to one correct decision. Why the betrayal of a man and a woman is not equal, why there is more demand from a woman than from a man, all these questions are relevant today.
Despite the fact that many institutes of family, sociology and psychology are working to study this “problem” and sometimes present very interesting assumptions and hypotheses to society, it is worth remembering one thing: each person is individual and it is simply impossible to equate everyone to one template.
How to stop pleasing everyone
It is difficult to change your behavior on your own, but try to do it if you want not just to exist, but to live a full life. Try learning to say “no” first.
When asked, take some time to think. You will have the opportunity to reflect. If necessary, you can enlist the support of a loved one and then refuse help to the person who asked.
Remember that you don't owe anyone anything. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. In addition, try to always speak confidently, clearly, without hesitation. Do not show other people your shortcomings and weaknesses.
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