Why do I depend on others?
How do you know if you've crossed the line of influence of other people's opinions on your life?
Wake up in the morning, go to the mirror and ask yourself: “Am I happy? Am I in harmony with myself?
If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to worry about. This means that you live in harmony with yourself and find a satisfying balance between your interests and the interests of the people around you.
But if you are ready to admit to yourself that things are not so rosy, then it is worth thinking about this: is the approval of your mother, friend, neighbor, boss worth living your life the way you don’t want?
Martyr Syndrome
Its essence is that perception and way of thinking are distorted. A person constantly lives to work for his reputation, and to earn it where it is not particularly important (not at work to build a career, but in order to please his neighbor Aunt Sonya). Since it is impossible to be perfect, and for this you need to make every effort, it turns out that energy is wasted. A person tries to please everyone, but does not see any results. The martyr complex is complemented by acquired helplessness syndrome, when a person cannot cope with a task, make a decision, or simply voice his personal opinion. He constantly needs confirmation that he is right from others.
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Origins of the problem
Very often, the problem of dependence on social approval is faced by people who studied well at school or university, and then were unable to achieve equally great results.
From childhood they get used to being praised for everything, but life is not all about success. And if, for example, your parents constantly push you to achieve high results, but this does not make you happy, then perhaps you should not strive to jump over a bar that is beyond your reach.
Think about what exactly you want, and go towards your chosen goal in a way that is acceptable to you, and not because it is fashionable, prestigious or well paid.
Fear of “what will people think?”: impact on life and ways out
There are millions of fears in the world. In this article I will describe one of the basic ones – fear of other people’s opinions. It seems to me that this is a great place to start your own movement towards yourself. If you also experience the fear of “what will people think?” - continue reading. The information will be useful.
Fears greatly limit opportunities in life. But few people do anything about it. Because it’s difficult, some people don’t have time, and they don’t immediately have time to go to some trainings and read books on self-development. Nobody wants to be considered different from everyone else. Strange.
At one time, the word “sect” scared me. Now I like to cheerfully announce, especially to strangers: “Yes, we have a sect!” We're having a really nice time." By the way, it’s a great way to determine the adequacy of your opponent, and for yourself to expand the horizons of the possible.
It has already been said one hundred and five hundred times that there are no magic pills, magic kick-offs or other instant life improvers. If you want to achieve some significant results and satisfaction with your own life, you will have to act. More than once in the project space it was said: “Leave comments, don’t be afraid to share your world with others!”, awareness, insights and results not only reveal you, but also inspire and ignite others.
I recommend the article by Grigory Bolgov: Why a woman after 30 can end up in a sect. Nobody teaches women to live with their hearts. Nobody needs their intuition and feelings. You need to live with your mind and logic, otherwise it will be bad.
Three stages of the influence of fear
Psychologists distinguish three conditional stages of the influence of someone else’s opinion on a person:
- It occurs in adolescence, when a person is acutely dependent on the opinions of others: he tries to seem better, cooler than he is. In difficult cases, he may even strive to change his own personality, because he is afraid to show his true self to the world, as well as condemnation, rejection, and misunderstanding.
- A person declares himself independent of other people's opinions, but deep down in his soul he is suppressed and limited. This is a kind of period of rebellion, action in defiance. As a rule, it replaces the first stage and lasts until the onset of the conscious period.
- A sign of a conscious personality, first of all, so age is relative. A person has gone through many stages of discovering his own self, accepting himself as he is, living his own life. Goes his own way, regardless of the opinions of others.
I recommend the article by Irina Perekrestova Crisis - time to return to yourself. My own life crises always opened up new paths for me, a new perspective and my new skills. The fears were an illusion—the fear of a small child.
Fear of “what will people think?” restrains and limits
Many reasons for inaction in life can in one way or another be reduced to the fear of being judged by others. It can manifest itself in any of the areas of life:
- What if I write about my difficulties under a useful post, and they laugh at me?
- What if they see me at a training session on discovering my capabilities and I will have to explain what I did there;
- What will my family think of me if I quit my “normal” job and start doing my own thing?
- What will they think of me if I try to meet the right person and he laughs in my face?
- What if I take a risk and embarrass myself? How to look people in the eyes?
- How will I feel when I achieve success because I will be the center of attention of many people?
- What if it doesn’t work out, they judge me and call me a failure?
- What will they think if I don't get married before I'm 30? The clock is ticking, you might not be able to make it in time, but my mother’s friend’s daughter got married a long time ago;
- My family will be ashamed of me if I don’t do what is expected or required of me.
We can go on and on, but these examples also show how fear of other people’s opinions stops personal development. To free yourself from outside influence, you need to start acting in the opposite direction. Many will say that the advice “take it and do it” is not suitable because it causes discomfort. But as soon as you start acting, you will have evidence in your arsenal that nothing critical will happen if someone speaks badly about you.
Remember: just sitting and waiting for a change in the way of thinking will not work - everything needs to be supported by actions!
I recommend Elena Bolgova’s article Love and Fear at Different Levels of Consciousness. There are two main forces that are the root causes of everything that happens to us, in us and around us - love and fear. Let's consider them from the point of view of the Theory of the Transition of Consciousness.
Ways out of the fear of “what will people think?”
- Start trusting yourself. Look at the image of yourself and your limitless strength and energy will open before you, then create a new image;
- Adjust your environment. It is much easier to start moving towards yourself, being in the space of like-minded people and friends who are ready to support in difficult times;
- Accept responsibility. Life is yours alone, don’t try to live someone else’s and don’t let others influence your choices.
- Respect others' choices. Accept your path and allow others to do the same.
A thing does not cease to be true because it is not recognized by many. | Benedict Spinoza
Change your focus from fear to love
There is an opinion that in order to make it easier to take action, you can use the energy that fear gives. The choice is yours, but I suggest you think about how finite such a resource is and how limited its results are.
Expand your focus and act not from the position of fighting fear, but from the position of how the perception of life and yourself will change and what new opportunities this will open up. Self-love gives you the energy to act with greater strength. During the broadcast about the energy of acting out of self-love, this is exactly what they talked about. Think about yourself and stop running away from problems.
I recommend the article by Elena and Grigory Bolgov, Energy to act: three steps to opening the source. If you are wondering where the energy to act comes from and how to significantly increase its amount, don’t go, we’ll share our personal experience of kindling an internal fire.
I know from myself that when you recognize something that resonates internally, you want to quickly begin to act, and as grandly as possible, so as not to waste precious time. At the beginning of the article I already said that there are no instant improvers. Therefore, do not try to immediately bite off a larger piece. Think, using honesty, how much you are really capable of realizing at this moment in life. Start small and keep moving, gradually increasing momentum.
Make it easier to let go of fear by shifting your focus away from others and toward yourself. Then, if you feel afraid of some tasks, it will be easier to decide what to do. Consciously ask yourself: what action will really benefit the individual - grab your head with the usual: “Oh, what will people think?” and escape from discomfort or think about yourself, take all the energy of love that awakens, and do as you want. And right today, do something small that you have always been afraid of. See how much energy will wake up!
Evgenia Reger
✓ Project editor ✓ I am interested in psychology
Don't worry about other people's opinions of you
The next point is to learn to calmly accept the fact that you don’t know what others think about you. You can never be 100%, but even 50% sure of how people treat you. And excessive worries about this will not lead to anything except that you will waste a lot of your time and energy. Repeat to yourself “this is my life, my choice, my mistakes, my experience” - and you will have a lot of free time that you can spend usefully for yourself.
Also, try to understand the fact that most of the people you know don't think about you at all.
Causes of addiction
The search for total approval of one's own actions can arise for a number of reasons. The most common of them:
- The habit of always being one of the best . Excellent people always face praise. For them, deviating from their ideal image is tantamount to failure. But it’s worth carefully reconsidering your life, because happiness does not depend only on professional achievements and academic success;
- Indecisiveness when making important decisions . Fearing to do wrong, a person relies on other people's opinions and public opinion. But this is the wrong approach, because the concepts of what is right are quite vague. What suits another person may be detrimental to your personality;
- The influence of education . As you know, most psychological problems begin in early childhood. Many parents instill in their children the importance of being understood and having the approval of an abstract society. An important factor in the formation of addiction is the desire in any way to please and please one’s own parents, who constantly set limits.
All these reasons are based on low self-esteem; self-sufficient individuals are free from external assessments.
