How to stop living in the past: advice from a psychologist

September 14, 2019
Psychology of Personality
Yana Yakovenko

George Orwell, in his famous dystopia, stated: “He who controls the past controls the future.” In everyday life, our perception of the past also influences future behavior. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to stop living in the past. How to do this? We will discuss this issue further.

Why leave the past in the past?

Mistakes you once made drag you down. It is as if you are walking along the road with your back turned to it. As a result, you see neither the beauty around you nor the final destination ahead. You only see your footprints. Sounds sad, doesn't it?

If you can accept your past mistakes, you will face the future with confidence. Even serious crimes have a statute of limitations, do you really have to torture yourself for life?

Some people relive their past mistakes over and over again, while others find the strength to look forward. Psychologists note that much depends on the inner core of the individual, on the people around him, and even on childhood. However, if you consider yourself a weak and vulnerable person, this does not mean that you are not able to pull yourself together and change your own life. Therefore, it is extremely important to know how to stop living in the past.

Forgiving yourself and your actions will give you inner freedom. A person who is shackled by past grievances and failures cannot develop spiritually. How to stop living in the past? Psychology offers the following methods.

Opening the toolbox

The psyche of people for whom the past is more valuable than the present is stable, clumsy and resembles a square. This is so that thoughts do not jump back and forth, but process information evenly and painstakingly.

The mental arsenal of born analysts includes the ability to generalize and accumulate experience, the desire for perfection, and the talent to find and correct errors. And also a heightened sense of justice.

Don't come near me, I'm offended

Justice takes a special form for them - everything should always be equal. Give earrings to everyone equally, to all sisters. If I give something away, I want to get back the same amount. And if it seems to a person that he is giving more than he receives, or there is an uneven distribution of something, his balanced psyche is distorted. A discomfort arises called “NOT-GO-DAL!”. Moreover, we are not only talking about material things - this can include any categories: attention, respect, understanding, praise.

I did a conscientious job and did not receive recognition from my boss - it’s an insult.

I take care of my family day and night, and in response there is not a word of gratitude - resentment.

I host my husband’s relatives every year for a week, but they didn’t let me spend the night—it’s an insult.

Over time, grievances accumulate, swell like a lump of slippery brown algae, and pull to the bottom. You get stuck and flounder in this sticky quagmire. And life no longer brings any pleasure. There is no normal life. There is me and my personal quagmire, entangled in bad experiences, grievances and mistakes of the past that can no longer be corrected. And there it is, my endless personal swamp.

Change your own life

Many people are interested in how to get rid of the past and live in the present. It sounds very difficult, but the main thing is to change your own life.

So, how to forget the past and live in the present? First of all, you must realize that you want this. Understand that the past is preventing you from living here and now. Now you face the most difficult thing - changing your own thinking. Yes, yes, changing the perception of the world around us is the key to getting rid of the past. We will consider how to do this further, but for now let’s turn to the auxiliary points.

So, how can you learn not to live in the past? First, you need to cleanse and harmonize the space around you. Get rid of old things that may indirectly remind you of negative past experiences. Once you throw away everything that has been cluttering your home, you will feel much better mentally, because your home is a projection of your emotional state.

Try to harmonize the space around you. Rearrange your furniture, buy some accessories, or surround yourself with flowers. You should be as comfortable as possible in your own home.

Do something with your free time. After all, you find it for memories and self-pity. Try to find a more useful use for this watch. For example, take a driving/dancing/embroidery course. Or study any creative skill on your own, because today you can find many instructional videos on the Internet. It is useful to do yoga and master meditation.

You can also completely change your clothing style and hairstyle. Women cut their hair precisely when they feel they need to get rid of accumulated negativity. And it settles on the hair.

What prevents us from forgetting the past?

Well, I just can’t seem to let go of everything.

Don't worry, you're fine.

There are completely objective reasons that prevent you from forgetting the past.

Here are the most common ones:

Guilt.
The past often does not let go of those guilty of some crime or even a minor misdemeanor.
The more conscientious a person is, the heavier the burden of his guilt will be.
If you did something bad without malicious intent, then you simply must finally forgive yourself.
But the surest way to forget the past and say goodbye to feelings of guilt is to try to correct the situation: return what was taken away, ask for forgiveness for the offense caused, try to somehow compensate for the loss.
You will immediately feel better.
The desire to return to the past.
Sometimes you need to forget not so much the bad things that happened in your past, but the good things.
The most telling example of foolish clinging to the past, because it was much better there than now, is the loss of property and position in society by the elite after wars or other disasters.
This was the case in the United States after the Civil War and the Great Depression, in Europe after the First World War, and in Russia after the Revolution of 1917.
The nobility and large entrepreneurs, who had lost their capital, palaces and titles, forced to adapt to a new life, spent all their energy on whining and complaints, not wanting to let go of the past and live in the present.

How can you forget the past? Say goodbye to him forever!

Once upon a time, at one of the trainings, I heard an interesting idea that a marriage cannot be considered a marriage until it has undergone a ritual.

When we, young and modern, buzzed indignantly, the coach explained to us what she meant: not a stamp in a passport, but a ritual.

Decide for yourself what it will be: a traditional painting in the registry office, a wedding in a church, or some kind of playful ceremony on the seashore with friends, but without a ritual - nothing.

Rituals can also be used if you cannot forget the past.

With what ceremony you say goodbye to them is your business.

If we are talking about your ex-husband, you can take all his things and throw them away.

You can get rid of previously inflicted insults on you by writing a letter to all your offenders: “I forgive you for such and such...”, and then burn this letter.

You can come up with your own fun ritual, the main thing is to effectively say goodbye to your past, forget it as quickly as possible and start rapidly moving forward.

5 useful tips on how to forget the past

Sometimes you have to use your entire arsenal of means to finally start living in the present.

Here are some more useful tips that will definitely help:

Don't look back.
Train yourself not to say: “But if I had done this then...” or “But before...”.
The past cannot be returned and corrected.
Focus on the present and on achieving your goals in the future.
Live today so that you don't have to regret the past.
Every day gives us so many opportunities to change our lives for the better.
But for some reason, not everyone is in a hurry to take advantage of these opportunities, preferring to be nostalgic for what once was.
Don't be afraid of change.
No matter how much you love stability, you need to understand that nothing in this world lasts forever.
Everything changes.
You need to change with this world, otherwise you will quickly find yourself left behind.
In addition, many changes can only benefit you and not harm you.
Try to get rid of everything that reminds you of troubles that happened earlier, be it things or people.
Sincerely believe that a sea of happiness awaits you in the future as compensation for past troubles.

And the following video describes an interesting exercise:

by completing which you can forget and let go of your past:

Remember that you definitely need to think about how to forget the past.

If you do not make room for something new, but continue to cling to what is no longer in your life, then you will never be able to become an absolutely happy person.

Could you have changed anything?

Alas, humanity has not yet invented a time machine. Everything that has sunk into oblivion cannot be returned or corrected. Therefore, change your attitude in your role in past failures. Perhaps you could change something. Perhaps you missed many opportunities that fate provided you with. However, in fact, you were not the master of the situation: you were influenced by other people and events, as well as the worldview of that time.

Understand that little depended on you. Even if this was not the case, a little self-deception will not hurt. After all, the past cannot be corrected.

X-Men

An obsession with the past is not characteristic of all people, but only of those who at birth were endowed with special mental properties - a focus on the past coupled with phenomenal memory. These properties were given to them in order to preserve and pass on the experience of previous generations.

Each person receives individual talents at birth; they are needed so that people in adulthood can realize them in society. Some paint pictures, some design buildings, and some embody the properties of soul and body in the creation of artificial intelligence.

Only people whose talents are aimed at the continuity of generations fall into the trap of the past. It is for this task that their inner world is tailored. If not for them, humanity would be doomed to reinvent the wheel every time. Thanks to this part of people, knowledge and experience are accumulated, analyzed, processed and served to the new generation on a silver platter.

That is why the past is of great importance to them, it is their value. The peculiarity of the perception of the world is “it was better before.” The water was wetter and the grass was greener.

To accumulate knowledge, they are given an excellent memory - otherwise they will not be able to remember large layers of information. As children, they are often ideal students: diligent, receptive to information and very diligent - they strive to do any task perfectly. Perfectionists grow up from such people. The work is done slowly, but conscientiously and efficiently. They can be annoyed when they see that someone is doing work in a hurry, somehow: “Well, who does that!”

They are attentive to details, this can be clearly seen in their speech - it is replete with numerous details.

Caring husbands and wives, good parents are also about them. Family values are among life priorities. They respect traditions, because this is also a kind of continuity.

The kings of working with information - they have no equal in its processing, analysis and systematization.

All these mental features help them perfectly perform their task - to collect and accumulate skills, knowledge, and information. And they can play cruel jokes with them if they are used for other purposes.

Ideally, people with a systematic way of thinking make excellent professionals and experts, analysts and historians, archaeologists and teachers. In a word, they belong to all areas where they can professionally apply their talents: this is the reception and transmission of information over time.

The snake bites its tail

But not everyone is able to realize the innate properties of soul and body for the benefit of society. They are not always obvious to us. Unfortunately, the maternity hospital does not issue a plate with a list of talents. Therefore, we often follow other people's desires - the unfulfilled dreams of our parents, for example, or pseudo-success imposed by advertising. At the same time, true, natural talents remain out of work. But they exist and must work.

If a person does not have social or professional fulfillment, he begins to analyze himself. More precisely, your past. He remembers events well, in detail, the experience is present, his gaze is directed to the past dear to his heart. And off we go. Endless soul-searching, self-flagellation, chewing on the same situations for months and years.

How can you do this? For what? What did I do wrong? I am everything and nothing to me. It's not fair!

Getting stuck in the past occurs because the properties of the psyche are directed towards oneself.

The snake bites its tail.

Forgive yourself and others

Here's how to stop living in the past. After all, resentment is an emotion that destroys a person from the inside. It nests in the heart, preventing you from breathing and enjoying life. Resentment towards yourself and other people flows through your veins like poison. The ability to forgive, including oneself, is extremely important for every person. First of all, resentment creates health problems. However, it also prevents you from loving and breathing deeply.

To forgive another person, put yourself in their shoes. Remember that you sometimes undeservedly offend other people. Have there been similar situations in your life?

Psychologists are sure: a person who is not able to forgive himself cannot grant forgiveness to others. This is an axiom. So start with yourself. Realize that you are imperfect. And so do the people around you. This simple truth often eludes us, who are so intolerant of each other's shortcomings.

How does “living in the past” manifest itself?

It is generally accepted that a person is “living in the past” if he is in constant regret about missed opportunities, lost love and old grievances.
It seems obvious to us that he is definitely mired in the past and it’s time for him to move towards a new life. But in reality, everything is more complicated, and each of us, to one degree or another, cannot let go of the past. Psychologists unanimously say: “All problems come from childhood.” Complexes, fears, negative attitudes - all this is sewn into our consciousness and is the result of the past. Even realizing the situation, many are not ready to so easily leave the usual way of thinking and take risks, building a new life with the opportunity to become freer and happier.

Regrets about lost time, painful memories, fear of failure - all this prevents you from moving on. What makes us live in the past?

Fear of facing difficulties in reality;
Traumatic experience in the past, severe shock;
Unlived emotions, unresolved grievances;
Denial of your past, rejection of it as part of yourself;
Fear of change, fear of leaving your comfort zone;
Dissatisfaction with the present, nostalgia;
Achievement depression;
Fear of life.

If you're tired of carrying this burden on your shoulders, it's time to start taking risks and little by little looking into a brighter future.

The past is the teacher

Everything that the Universe sends to us should be perceived as a test, a test of strength, and not as punishment. Any situation, especially an unpleasant one, is sent to us for a specific purpose - to learn something. For example, after breaking up with your loved one due to a wrong decision, you learned to appreciate dear people. After spending several years indulging in your bad habits, you realized that time needs to be valued, and you also realized which addictions you need to get rid of.

Of course, you have made mistakes in the past. Perhaps the wrong decisions had fatal consequences. But would you be where you are today if you hadn't made mistakes? Alas, it is the wrong decisions that make us better and wiser.

Some answers

Remember that everything that happens to you is not a test and it is not a problem. These are your lessons and training.

Perhaps some of you will have questions about the injustice of this world in your minds. But our world is measured down to the millimeter. And everything in it proceeds as it should.

Why did some people survive the war?
This means their souls had to learn compassion and mercy. They had to go through this suffering in order to be purified.
Why do people get serious illnesses?
A person earns his own diseases. Based on his behavior and thoughts, he acquires one or another disease. Sometimes this is a punishment for bad deeds in a past life.
Why do children suffer and die?
These are the lessons of their parents or the whole family.
Why do they take the brightest and most talented people at a young age?
This means they fulfilled their mission in this particular incarnation. By the way, their next incarnation will be even more successful.

Fix what can be fixed

Life goes on, you need to learn this simple truth. And it does not continue in your memories and soul-searching. Every minute counts down precious time. But our life is not so long as to allow ourselves to neglect even one second.

Think about what past mistakes you can correct today. For example, you offended a friend in your youth, but you are still tormented by feelings of guilt. Find her on social networks, try to talk and ask for forgiveness. It is unlikely that she still holds a grudge against you. Of course, your friend may turn out to be a rather vindictive person who will refuse to accept your apology. Don't let this bother you. The main thing is that you apologized.

Remember that you always have the opportunity to change something. You only need the present and the future for this.

Am I to blame?

Resentment has a looking glass. The feeling of guilt lives there.

There is nothing wrong with feeling guilty. Guilt can push you to take the necessary actions if it is adequate. If you caused harm to another, you apologized and corrected what you had violated.

What if I realized my guilt too late and the people who were harmed no longer exist? Or does a person feel guilty for everything in the world, including the Flood?

Sometimes a person is overcome by a false sense of guilt. When nothing can be corrected or there is nothing to correct. An even psyche begins to skew in the opposite direction - there is a debt, it is impossible to repay. And new threads are woven in the sticky web of the past.

Throw out negative emotions

What has been accumulated inside for years needs to be thrown out. Everyone does it differently. Many women choose to cry out their pain. There is no need to be shy about shedding tears over events that are long past. Allow yourself to cry as long as necessary to feel liberated.

You can also go to the gym and beat a punching bag/break unnecessary plates/scream out your emotions.

The Mystery of the Blue Room

There is an eloquent experiment that shows how the focus of attention affects the perception of the world.

A person is asked to go into a room and remember as much as possible all the blue objects. A few minutes later he comes out and is asked to list all the things that are brown. A person is lost - he cannot remember a single one. But in reality there are almost more brown things in the room than blue ones.

It’s the same in life. Those stuck in the past tend to remember only the negative, and the positive moments are drowned among the unpleasant memories. The focus is not where it needs to be.

How to stop living in past relationships?

Perhaps many people ask themselves this question, especially women. Each has its own story, but it ended the same way - with separation. And then the woman begins to analyze the situation, to think that she did something wrong. It is important to understand one truth: even if you made a mistake somewhere (and since responsibility for the relationship lies with both partners, you should not blame only yourself), the past cannot be returned. However, it gave you a priceless gift - experience. Now you will think several times before making a similar mistake.

There is no need to kill yourself for a man who left you. If this relationship brought you only joy and pleasure, thank him mentally and let him go in peace. If the result was constant quarrels and misunderstandings, you should thank the Universe that it was all over. Because things would only get worse further. Gradually you would hate each other.

People are forced to constantly improve spiritually. And it is precisely the failed relationships with the opposite sex that suggest what exactly we are doing wrong. Perhaps you are too dependent on your partner? In this case, it’s time to make an effort to learn to live in harmony with yourself, and not look for replacement in another person. The first thing you need to understand is that past relationships are experiences that made you a more whole and thoughtful person. And they were sent to you precisely for this purpose. It couldn't have been any other way. And your life goes on. And it continues here and now.

How to learn to live in the present? The future depends on it

Do you want to feel alive? Yoga and other eastern practices will help. Having learned to control your own body and breathing, you will be able to put your thoughts in order.

Learning to live in the moment is incredibly helpful. As a result, a person begins to feel that he belongs to what is happening. I felt that my place was here and now.

Creativity turned out to be my salvation!

Such activities reflect our inner world. By creating something new, a person comes to life and begins to understand his purpose.

The Necklace of Life consists of varying numbers of pink and black beads. Some people only have them black or pink. Some have only a few pink beads, the rest are black. There are no people on earth with the same set of beads.

You can simply wear your NECKLACE OF LIFE with dignity. Or you can try changing the set...

Don't live in the past, live in the present

Here's what the famous writer and psychologist Dale Carnegie thought about the past and future:

The first and most important thing a person should know about anxiety is that in order to crowd out anxiety from one’s life, one must make every effort to distinguish between the past and the future.

Carnegie proposes installing “iron doors” between them, thereby creating the “sealed compartments” of today. It is necessary to live in the present, without regretting the past and without worrying about the future. Otherwise, past experiences and thoughts of hope will create anxiety and worry.

Be happy and enjoy today. You have probably already been told once: “Don’t live in the past, live in the present.” It's time to understand that you are here and now. You are neither in the past nor in the future.

Exercise more

Vanessa Broers, personal trainer and performance coach, says:

One of the biggest ways to stop thinking so much about the past is to pay more attention to your body.

The fact is that the body stores emotional memory. The central nervous system is always scanning our internal and external environment for threats it has encountered before, so as not to repeat them.

However, even as we train our brains to focus on the future by setting new goals or changing our external circumstances, the body responds by sending out old, familiar emotional signals. This can cause us to feel fearful, doubtful, and depressed and harken back to memories of the past.

Accordingly, we need to accustom our body to changes. Exercising will help “rewire” our body's impulses while we work on the psychological side of overcoming thoughts about the past. Working out, running in the park, dancing - you can choose whatever you like to support yourself. Physical activity also boosts your mood and energy, which you will need to solve problems with thoughts about the past.

Forgiveness Meditation by Louise Hay

This practice of experienced psychologist L. Hay is universal because it can be used for any occasion. Your offenders can be not only representatives of the stronger sex; it is quite possible to imagine familiar or abstract women in this image (sometimes there are cases that a girl, even in an unfamiliar person, constantly sees her rival). Practice once a month and you will soon feel relief. It won't matter if you were wronged or offended. All troubles will be a thing of the past, as it should be ideally. If you resort to this method, the thought that life does not forgive mistakes will leave you forever. The sequence is:

Find yourself a comfortable place where it smells of your favorite aromas, with quiet music or pleasant sounds of nature, take your favorite meditation position.
Completely relax your entire body (especially your face), let go of all thoughts and visualize the theater stage and yourself in a dark, crowded theater.
There is a person on stage who is your offender. He is very happy because he is experiencing a joyful event. Try to feel his positivity, recharge from his joy.
Now imagine yourself next to this person. You are also in a state of joy, you are both happy, but each in your own way. You are not partners, but you enjoy spending time together.

This ten-minute session will help you learn to experience positive emotions again. You will see a dramatic increase in positivity in your life.

Why is this bad?

CONTENT:

Numerous memories do not allow one to move forward, placing invisible shackles on a person. There is nothing wrong with occasionally indulging in a little nostalgia and reliving pleasant moments in your memory. But for someone who is too dissatisfied with himself and the world around him, such “immersion” becomes a way of escaping from reality.

A person gets stuck in one place and stops developing. His motivation for further actions disappears, and previously set goals cease to have any meaning. This condition can last for years and even decades. Standard examples from literature and feature films are widows who buried themselves alive after the death of their husbands, middle-aged losers who spend their days reminiscing about the successes of their youth, dreamers who are afraid to take action because they remember how they were burned in the past. All these people end up with nothing. And those who nevertheless woke up from illusions bitterly regret the wasted time.