People tend to experience different emotions, some of which are constructive, while others are destructive. One of the most commonly experienced emotions is regret. Feelings of regret can arise from looking back at past behavior and decisions and believing that a better outcome could have been achieved if different choices had been made. How to get rid of regrets, because they cause discomfort and anxiety? This question is asked by many who suffer from destructive emotions.
The most common areas that cause the greatest regret in people are education, career, romantic relationships, raising children, and self-realization. A feeling can consume a person so much that he loses touch with the present and spends most of his time thinking about the past. Such a person does not actually live in real time.
Why do we regret the past?
It would seem that what could be more ridiculous than being mentally stuck over and over again on a past situation that we are no longer able to change? According to experts, this feature of our psyche is a tribute to evolution. “By fixating on past experiences, humanity has managed to survive. But animals, for example, do not need this experience - their instincts allow them to live in the “here and now” mode - there is no danger at the moment, there is nothing to think about it,” explains clinical psychologist Alisa Galats .
Naturally, now we are not faced with the task of surviving, but the ancient mechanisms of the psyche continue to work automatically. According to the expert, our fixation on the past and obsessive regrets can have different reasons. “Sometimes this hides dissatisfaction with the current situation, and then we look for a kind of justification for it in the past - “it’s because I married Petya, not Vasya.” Sometimes we just want emotional closure for something that is still bothering us. But the more we think about it, the more we plunge into memories and destructive emotions like into a swamp. It happens that these regrets, in principle, are about dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s decisions,” says the psychologist.
Release and burn
How to stop regretting? Many psychotherapists offer a fairly effective method. You will need to set aside at least a week in your schedule. For seven days you need to remember only the negative. Be completely honest and write down in a notebook all those actions and words that turned out to be stupid and negative.
Write down all negative thoughts in a notebook. Write down what you thought about during the most difficult moments in life. Record all unseemly acts done and unfulfilled promises. At the end of the week, burn your notebook, let go of your past, and stop regretting missed opportunities.
Why is such a jam dangerous?
According to the expert, the feeling that there is some “mistake” in the past and the desire to mentally rebuild one’s life taking into account “if only” leads to a devaluation of the present. “What happened in the past can never be changed, it is a closed door. And all our attempts to look into it do not allow us to appreciate what we have now, which means that we cannot change anything in the future, we cannot improve the situation. In this state, your entire focus is shifted to the past, and there is simply no strength left for today’s life,” comments Alisa Galats.
According to the expert, constant regrets about the past, feelings of guilt due to an allegedly wrong decision are also a path to decreased self-esteem, anhedonia, and sometimes to depression. “The feeling that you made a mistake in the past, and since then life has not gone at all as it should, is one of the clinical symptoms of depression,” adds the psychologist.
Still to come
To stop regretting missed opportunities, you need to understand that they not only existed, but will also exist in the future. There is always room for opportunity in life. The main thing is to notice them in time. Regretting the past makes it much harder to do this.
It is much more important to make the right decision when a new opportunity appears in your life. How to do it? Which decision can be considered correct? According to psychologists, the choice will be correct if it is based on your own interests and desires.
You just need to understand that a missed opportunity is not torture. No failures, problems, etc. await you. This is just a missed opportunity. In addition, tomorrow a new opportunity may arise that will bring much more joy into your life.
How to learn to let go of thoughts about the past?
Accept the situation. The past cannot be returned, and no matter how much we think about it, it will not change. Therefore, stop tormenting yourself with guesses like “if I hadn’t been stupid then, I would already be married.” Instead, accept that the situation has changed. “As they say, “history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood,” so leave your “ifs.” Then the situation was different - you were a different person, the circumstances, resources, etc. were different. Therefore, it is impossible to compare yourself today with yesterday,” notes the psychologist.
Recognize mistakes. “The only thing you can do with the past is learn from it. Therefore, stop blaming yourself and think - what has this situation taught me? Think about how you can use this experience in the present,” the expert recommends.
Let go of the past. According to the psychologist, it is also important to psychologically let go of the situation and close the emotional connection with it. For example, this can be done by writing yourself a letter from the past, in which you explain your motives, feelings, and wish yourself not to repeat the mistake in the future. You can also write a letter to someone who has hurt your feelings in the past and express all your emotions in it.
Focus on the present . The only thing we can control is the present. “If we spend our energy on regrets, we often don’t even notice the good things we have in the present. Or we can’t understand what we really want,” says the specialist. After you have let go of the past, pay attention to what is happening in your life now - what doesn’t suit you about it? What do you want? What resources do you have? After thinking about this, think about what small step you can take to change the situation. “Start taking action, and you will notice how much easier and more dynamic your life will become,” the psychologist concludes.
How to get rid of feelings of regret
Regardless of the reason, the emotion of regret seriously poisons life and sometimes leads to neurotic disorders. It is simply necessary to get rid of it. As, indeed, from all other destructive feelings.
Mindfulness helps you free yourself from less pain, remorse and self-judgment. You need to understand and realize two simple things:
- You couldn't have done anything differently in that situation. If only because decisions about other options came to you later, and not exactly at that time.
- It's gone no more. It is alive only in your memory. There is only one present moment - Here and Now. Dedicate all your thoughts and actions to him. It is not the situation itself from the past that torments you, but your memories of it.
- There are no right or wrong actions in life. There is only your reaction to them and attitude to the situation.
Feelings of regret over past failures should not develop into fear of failure. “You can often learn a useful lesson from failure, so failures are the best help.” Hong Zichen
Often we are tormented by regrets because we were unable to control the situation in time. It seems to us that if everything was in our hands, we would know exactly what to do better. But when we realize that not everything depends on us, we begin to worry.
We can only get rid of regrets when we give up routine and control over situations occurring in our lives. And as long as we strive to control everything, we will have a feeling of regret in our lives.
Disappointment, regret, ambition, the desire to control the situation are an integral part of the personality and life path and nothing can be done about it. You just need to enjoy every day you live.
Regret can be the reason why a person begins to feel disgusted with life instead of enjoying it. However, if we learn to respond to it correctly, regret can even help us.
In the absence of any difficulties and problems, it is very difficult for a person to change. Any “shake-ups” contribute to the growth and development of the individual.
So, the feeling of regret contributes to the effectiveness of the learning process, the evolution of our consciousness. Taking the wrong step, saying the wrong phrase, we regret it, the feeling is not so pleasant, as a result, we remember our mistake in order not to repeat it.
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Better late than never
A person often complains about fate.
He feels sorry for himself, his lost opportunities, his youth. In principle, you can always blame fate or people. But does this make sense? Man is the creator of his own life, is it worth complaining about the past? If something was missed somewhere, you first of all have to blame yourself. But if you just cry and tell how bad everything turned out and how it could have turned out, there will be no use. As long as a person is alive, nothing is lost. As long as he breathes and has reason, he can move mountains. You can dream of dancing since childhood, and at 50 you can enroll in a dance school. And nothing is impossible. Yes, no longer 15, not the same gait, not the same figure. But there will be a sparkle in your eyes and the strength to move forward!
How and why does it work, and who benefits?
Topics of personal growth often involve concepts such as “master” and “victim.”
The “victim” always looks for an excuse and those to blame for his helplessness, the “master” acts, analyzes, corrects his actions, does not blame anyone, not even himself, and constantly moves forward.
The problem is that a person often does not keep track of who he is at the moment: “master” or “victim”.
How to acquire the skill of tracking not only your actions, but, first of all, your words and thoughts - we’ll talk about this further.
Love relationship
For many, overcoming regrets in the love field is much more difficult than those related to their work or any other activity. That is why people use fortune telling to find out how events would have unfolded if they had acted differently. For example, they often think about their first love in their student years and believe that if there was another person nearby, then life would be better and perhaps filled with bright colors and harmony of love.
To do this, you first need to re-evaluate your own feelings. That is, you can remember pleasant moments spent together, as well as about your crush and why you decided to build a relationship with this person. In this case, try to somehow “renew” your relationship by spending time relaxing together. Perhaps you should go to a restaurant, a movie, or visit various attractions. If possible, organize a tourist trip to a resort, visit another country or city.
As a rule, such feelings of regret cover those who live in a stable and long marriage.
The daily routine, coupled with dissatisfaction in relationships, makes people regret their choice, and if everyday problems with material things often happen, it’s completely lost. Not everyone can overcome such destructive feelings, but if you have a strong desire, you will succeed.
Binding to artificially created age restrictions
At the age of 5 it was worth going to rhythmic gymnastics, at 11 - to a music school, at 17 - to enter a more prestigious university, and at 25 - to move to another company that promised great prospects. Of course, while we are younger, the space of options for choosing opportunities is incomparably greater. However, this does not mean that at an older age these opportunities are completely absent.
Solution: Age has its advantages. Firstly, as you age, you begin to better understand yourself, your desires and goals, and grab onto everything that the world around you offers. Your choice becomes more conscious and thoughtful. Secondly, many of the previously available opportunities were not hidden behind the upside down page of the passport. There are many examples of people who, despite their age, still decided to achieve what they wanted.
Therefore, act based on existing resources from the present, not the past or future. Try to do the best you can here and now - then you won't have to regret again.
Bringing Yourself Out of the Past: A Helpful Visualization
To free yourself from the burden of bygone days, the following exercise will be effective. Sit back and close your eyes. Imagine a situation that you constantly return to in your thoughts. It could be a work project that went wrong; or the sudden betrayal of a person you completely trusted. Having imagined this situation, find yourself there. You will definitely be in this environment - only in your previous appearance.
Imagine looking at yourself from the outside. How do you feel in that past situation? What are you wearing? What's happening? Try to enter into dialogue with your former self. Invite this person to return to the present: “You know, it was a very difficult story. But now it's over. Would you like to go back to the future with me? I will support you and help you get out."
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Say kind words of comfort to your past self. Try to say something that might help him come back. Ask what he needs to feel happy again. When this happens, then take your past image by the hand and merge with it into one whole in your imagination. Then mentally move again to the real environment - to the room where you are currently located. Take a deep breath, look around you. Visualization is complete.
Is regret good or bad?
Many people think that regret is bad. It evokes negative emotions and unpleasant memories.
There are also supporters of the opinion that regret is good. They are convinced that this is an experience that should be rationalized. To avoid such mistakes, do better than what happened. Remember not about a bad experience or a wrong choice, but about the opportunity to do better.
The desire to be the best is something that is inherent to a person with an anal vector by nature. For this purpose, a good memory, perseverance, scrupulousness, the ability to analyze information and draw conclusions are given.
There are two more features that are characteristic of a person with an anal vector, as the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan tells us - guilt and resentment, two sides of the same coin. The anal vector gives the desire for everything to be equal. As much as I gave, I returned as much.
But this doesn’t always happen in life; you don’t always come across a person with the same values. Therefore, when the owner of the anal vector thinks that they gave more than he gave, a feeling of guilt arises. When he gave more than was returned - a feeling of resentment.
Tendency towards maximalism in youth and conservatism in adulthood
In childhood, we are more inclined to understand the world around us, in our youth - to the desire to conquer all the “Everests”. When we become even older, our natural tendency to protect ourselves from everything new and unknown very often takes over. We all know that as we age, it becomes more difficult to decide to make changes. Which, of course, you soon regret again.
Solution: recharge your own self-confidence, characteristic of you in the recent past. Remember how you knew for sure that you could do everything you set your mind to, and realize that this feeling can be returned to the present. Make a list of your qualities and skills that once helped you achieve this or that result - they have not gone away. In addition, now you have an advantage: reinforced by life experience, confidence has ceased to be an arrow flying to nowhere, but has acquired a clear trajectory.
Tip 2: Learn from your mistakes
How to ensure that you never regret what you have done? We need to remember a simple and fairly obvious thing: after something happened, we are much smarter than before. In Russian this is called “afterknowledge”, in English - hindsight, better known as the “hindsight effect” - the feeling that we knew about what happened in advance, arising on an intuitive level.
After everything happened, we say: well, I knew it! That is, as if we foresaw in advance that this should not be done. But in fact, we did not know anything for sure, but only assumed this possibility.
15 minutes later we are always smarter than before. It's unavoidable. For example, we know that it was impossible to drink this milk only after being poisoned by it. But not before that. For some reason, people are confident that if they now understand that they were wrong, then they should have understood this before what they did and not made mistakes. After all, at the moment when you make a decision, you don’t know for sure how it will turn out. So, stop “waving your fists after a fight” and learn from your mistakes.
To successfully apply the tips described here, you cannot do without developing mindfulness in your daily life. In general, keep your brain sober and act in such a way that you never regret what you have done.
Write your questions, thoughts and stories on this topic in the comments to the article.
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Forgive yourself, forgive others
Remember: today you are no longer the same person you were yesterday, in a past traumatic situation. Even if it seems that no significant changes have occurred, and you have the same set of character qualities, this is still not entirely true. You have gone through a long experience and gained new impressions. Try not to judge yourself for making what now seems like the wrong choice. It’s just that with that knowledge and experience, a step was taken that seemed the most optimal. Forgiveness is a necessary act to help us overcome our dependence on the past. Stop judging yourself and others, and look to the future. After all, it is much more interesting to work on tomorrow than to look at the past under a magnifying glass.
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Correct the error as much as possible
Perhaps the only thing that cannot be completely corrected by words is death. Everything else can be adjusted, even if the result does not promise to be perfect. Therefore, if you regret something that happened through no fault of your own or a deliberate act, try to find those circumstances that you could change even after time passes. This will reduce frustration to a certain extent and return a sense of control to your own life.
