In the modern world, people willingly condemn flattery, obeying the voice of conscience and moral principles. A person sings the truth out loud only to lie 5 minutes later. Flattery is a lie, a sweet and welcome balm for the soul. She rules minds and hearts. Advertisers, politicians, businessmen flatter. Odes of praise are used even in destructive sects in the first stages of recruitment - isn’t this proof of the power of sugar-coated speeches? How and why do people flatter? Why do some people delight and others feel disgust? It's all about skill.
What kind of flattery is there?
Flattery is difficult to classify. The first thing that comes to mind is the quality of flattery: skillful, subtle and awkwardly frank.
Subtle flattery
This is the pinnacle of art. She buys love, enslaves hearts. A person submits to the will of a flatterer to the subtle romance of sweet speeches, skillfully performed for the delight of human self-love. It is almost impossible to notice such a lie. The subtle flatterer is a professional psychologist. He senses people and selects an individual key for each one.
Crude flattery
Crude flattery does not evoke pleasant emotions. It unpleasantly surprises, stuns and repels a person. Flattery is a tool of manipulators. It is painful to realize that a person gives a compliment, succumbing not to a sincere impulse, but to the desire to benefit.
The result depends on the skill of the flatterer and the carelessness of the victim: a feeling of satisfaction, annoyance, anger, laughter, shame, embarrassment. The wrong compliment will cause awkwardness and confuse the person. Obvious falsehood will lead to rejection, disappointment, and contempt.
Flattery buys smart and stupid, women and men, poor and rich. To please someone else's ego, people choose different methods :
Flattery in words
This is the most common technique. It's not just women who love ears. Men also fall for skillful compliments. Words must be used carefully. The main thing is attention to detail and unusual nuances. Platitudes make lies obvious. Having noticed an interesting detail or a characteristic manner of behavior, the flatterer has already shown attention and spent time. This fact alone makes a compliment meaningful and special, even if it lacks sincerity. For flattery to be successful, you need to start a conversation about your interlocutor. People love interest in themselves. They relax and forget themselves, trying to remember the greatest “And I...” of their lives and surrender to the mercy of the listener.
Flattery in action
Actions are worth more than words. Their value is immeasurably higher, but much more effort is spent. A subtle technique is listening. Listening does not mean remaining silent. This is an active process: nod in time, ask a question, give a hint. Actions show attitude towards a person. Ask for practical advice, present a nice gift, provide the necessary service - you need to know the person in order to guess the plan of events. Actions bind more effectively than words.
Flattering words and actions are insincere. A person tells a lie and does what he doesn’t want to do, looking contented and happy.
Flattering behavior is often observed in people at the level of automatic actions. Trying on social roles, a modern person subconsciously knows who needs to say what and to whom in order to get what he wants.
Why do people fall for flattery?
Understanding why flattery “works” is not at all difficult. Remember any situation in which you were praised. This is always nice, even if it is obvious that the praise is slightly exaggerated. Therefore, any person likes it when someone speaks positively about his merits or achievements. And in most cases, people prefer to perceive flattery as slightly exaggerated, but still sincere compliments.
In addition, most people tend to think well of themselves, even if their self-esteem is not high. Any person is proud of his merits, and tries not to think about his shortcomings. And he wants those around him to notice in him exactly those traits that he himself likes. Therefore, he rejoices when he is praised and distinguished from the general background. And even if the praise is clearly exaggerated, this does not alarm him, but only further increases his self-esteem.
This is the secret of flattery - it almost always coincides with what a person thinks about himself, and sometimes even tells him what else he could be proud of. He rejoices that those around him appreciate him - this is how the social essence of man, conditioned by many millennia of evolution, is manifested. Thanks to it, people succumb to flattering speeches and unconsciously want to reciprocate the one who praised them.
Who are we flattering?
Flattery can be conscious or unconscious. Without suspecting it, a person says pleasant things to others in order to avoid troubles, make up for awkwardness, and be liked. The right words seem to be born in your head. Real manipulators have the gift of sweet words. Girls say nice things to get benefits more often than men. But representatives of the stronger sex have achieved high results by practicing the art of flattery in business negotiations, at meetings and even public speaking. They also train on women, honing their persuasive skills. Flattery is a social tool, an oil that softens friction. Who do people cajole most often?
What to do if you are flattered?
Since flattery is aimed at obtaining benefits, you need to hide the cheese under your arm and calmly answer the cunning fox. For example, you can respond to your subordinate’s flattery like this: “Thank you for having such a high opinion of me. I know that you speak sincerely, because you do not expect any increase in salary or promotion from me.” Thus the fox flattered, but received nothing for it. I discuss this issue in more detail in the book “Psychological Aikido”, as well as at my seminars.
Flattery doesn't only happen in professional relationships. People don’t pay attention to it or don’t attach any importance to it, but flattery happens much more often in love relationships.
Flattery in relationships
Dear readers, who do you think flatters more often: men or women? Of course, men. A typical situation is that a guy and a girl have just met, and he invites her to drink coffee. At the same time, he never ceases to praise. And she has already hung her ears. How does this end? Of course, in bed. They will have sex, and the next day he will disappear.
The girls who work on themselves in our club, firstly, are not susceptible to flattery, and secondly, they know how to respond to it. For example: “Thank you for your praise. She's sincere. There is no request behind it. You won’t get into bed with me.” Or this option: “I promised myself that until I earn money for an apartment, a car and a dacha, I cannot have sex.”
Women also flatter in relationships. There is even a separate type - Sweet-sounding sirens. There are also men, but more often women act as sirens. Read my article on how to recognize and neutralize them.
Many women ask me how to keep my husband when he cheats or leaves the family. I tell them – flatter. Men are primitive animals; they only need flattery. What do women usually do here? They constantly criticize and educate their husbands. And you just need to flatter. This will be the basis of your prosperous life.
A great example is the fairy tale by Hans Christian Andersen.
Once upon a time there lived a husband and wife. They had a horse and quite a bit of land. The man decided to go to the fair to sell the horse or exchange it for something else. His wife let him go, saying: “Okay, go. You’re an expert, you don’t do a bad job.” He went to the fair and exchanged a horse for a cow. On the way home, he exchanged a cow for a goat, a goat for a chicken, and a chicken for a bag of rotten leaves. At night, when he was sheltered for the night, his bag stank. One guest said to the man: “Your wife will give you a hard time.” And the man answers: “No, he won’t ask. She will hug me, kiss me and tell me that I did everything right.” They bet on a barrel of gold, and in the morning they arrived at the man’s house.
His wife met him, kissed him on the lips and said: “Well, tell me.” He said that he exchanged a horse for a cow, and she told him: “Oh, how smart you are! Indeed, we don’t need a horse, but there will be milk here.” He then said that he exchanged the cow for a goat. And she told him: “What a great fellow you are! There is so much milk from a cow, where are we going to put it? And just a little bit from a goat. And goat’s milk is healthier than cow’s.” Then the man said that he exchanged the goat for a chicken, and his wife said to him: “How smart you are! You know everything! A hen will lay eggs for us, and we will live happily ever after.” As a result, the man admitted to his wife that he exchanged the chicken for a bag of rotten leaves. And she answers him: “How smart you are! I decided to bake a cake for your arrival. I had flour, but no onions. I went to my neighbor, and she answered me: “We don’t even have a rotten leaf.” So I’ll show her these leaves and say: “This is my wealth! I can at least give everything to you.” In the end, the man won a barrel of gold, so we can say that he exchanged the horse very well.
So in family life there is no need to criticize. Nobody needs it. Better flatter. And if you are accused of insincerity, then remember one of the important rules of life: if a person scolds someone, it means that he is characterizing himself.
Superiors and authority figures
Saying a nice word to your boss, doing a small favor to the landlady renting out an apartment, praising the hairstyle of the head of the credit department is a small but profitable investment of effort. Inside the human consciousness lives a mercantile reptile, whose job is to grovel and wait for the right moment to act. Consciously or unconsciously, the liar understands that the favor is exchanged for favorable treatment or reciprocal favor. The higher the person, the greater the return.
Angelic voice
Popular wisdom describes “flattery” very aptly. They say about flatterers: “An angelic voice, but a damn thought.” So sometimes the compliment you receive is puzzling. But life without compliments will be gray and boring. Don’t be afraid to accept compliments, thank those who give them, but don’t flatter yourself, soberly evaluate both yourself and the flatterer based on the compliment.
Compliments are given not only out of flattery, but also out of sincere delight. And real delight is immediately visible. He is spontaneous, has sparkling eyes and a disarming smile. Delight is not the twin or even the twin of flattery; it is not difficult to distinguish them. Don’t be shy to give sincere compliments - it’s nice for both sides of the dialogue.
Opposite sex
Remember the skilled seducers, how subtle and graceful they made compliments in order to win the heart of a lady for one night. Flattery is not only a way to get rich or improve your position in society. A correctly chosen tactic disarms the victim, makes it soft and pliable - mold what you want. Experienced seducers use this. The apogee for them is dependence: the woman is no longer needed, and the night with her is of no use. The seducer hunts for an intoxicating experience in which he is the ruler of the female heart and the master of the situation.
Ladies are also guilty of this hobby. When a woman is attracted to a man's wallet or status, she turns into a master of sugary speeches. The main thing is that the male Ego does not develop diabetes ahead of time. The skill of pick-up artists is built on flattering techniques.
Wise women resort to compliments to keep their man in good shape. In a relationship without spices that hide the blandness of feelings, you won’t go far.
“How many times have they told the world that flattery is vile and harmful.” Usage examples
How many times have they told the world that flattery is vile and harmful; but everything is not for the future, And a flatterer will always find a corner in the heart. I.A. Krylov. "The Crow and the Fox" (1807)
How he knew how to appear new, Jokingly amaze innocence, Frighten with ready despair, Amuse with pleasant flattery... A.S. Pushkin. "Eugene Onegin" (1823-1830)
She also had favorites; She liked Pyotr Stepanovich, by the way, with the crudest flattery. F. M. Dostoevsky. Demons (1871-1872)
He accepted the enthusiastic flattery of his guests as something deserved... A.P. Chekhov. "Drama on the Hunt" (1884)
There he learns flattery, lies, small and large meanness, and becomes an egoist. V.T. Shalamov. "Kolyma Tales" (1954-1961)
Suddenly she spoke in a changed, flattering voice: “Excuse me, please, just a minute, I’m leaving now!” Yuri Trifonov. Exchange (1969)
But I don’t deny that this offer flattered me: the Central Committee of the Party entrusts me with such a high post! Nikita Khrushchev. "Memories" (1971)
At the end of your life, you are flattered by your notoriety! OK. Chukovskaya. "The Process of Elimination (An Essay on Literary Morals)" (1978)
Dionysius died after a drinking party in joy that the Athenians awarded a prize to the tragedy he had composed. They did this, of course, not out of honor, but out of flattery. M.L. Gasparov. "Entertaining Greece" (1995)
Position in society
It’s wonderful when a person tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, doesn’t come up with excuses and doesn’t invent reasons for praise. But not everyone is given such happiness. Flattery is an integral part of relationships in companies and organizations with a clear hierarchical structure. To “cajole” your boss, you don’t have to give compliments, it’s enough to make concessions to make it pleasant.
How often do people do kind things not because they want to help, but simply because it is profitable? An unlucky student, walking along the corridor, unceremoniously pushes aside fellow students on his way, and then carefully holds the door for the history teacher. Isn't this an indicator of flattering behavior? Today he will hold the door, tomorrow he will smile and carry the folders to the study unit, and the day after tomorrow he will receive a test without making any effort to memorize.
How to avoid becoming a flatterer yourself
There is probably no person who has not resorted to flattery at least once in his life. However, it is unlikely that anyone experienced positive emotions and a feeling of satisfaction, since to flatter means to curry favor, to humiliate oneself in front of someone.
This must be remembered when the desire arises to achieve your goals with the help of cunning tricks.
What should you do if you have a sincere desire to praise your colleague, friend or child? How to give a sincere compliment without being flattering? Here are some rules for constructive praise:
Be honest. Speak for yourself. Focus on the person's specific successes. Avoid cliched phrases. Do not express delight beyond measure.
In some cases, it may even be necessary to praise someone more than they deserve. And such a compliment will not be flattery, since its purpose is not personal gain, but a sincere desire to support another person and motivate him to new achievements.
Good luck to you! See you soon on the blog pages KtoNaNovenkogo.ru
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Manipulation
Manipulators use flattery as a tool to control human consciousness. Mistakes in this matter are unacceptable, otherwise the victim will guess about the deception and disrupt plans. Manipulators use a convenient multi-pass:
- subtle flattery to gain the attention and sympathy of the victim,
- an expectant pause to dispel suspicion,
- request.
It is difficult to slip off the manipulator's hook after a voiced proposal. If pre-calculated conditions coincide, a person will experience awkwardness at the mere thought of refusal. Today colleagues praise your achievements at work, and tomorrow they bring you a task that no one is eager to complete. And how can a newly minted professional refuse unexpected work, after laudatory speeches and proud confessions?
The difference between flattery and praise
Praise is a type of compliment that praises not a person's merits, but rather certain achievements or a job well done. Accordingly, the signs by which one can distinguish praise from flattery are approximately the same. Moreover, flattery disguised as praise is most often used to get someone to work more productively.
Having heard sincere praise, a person wants to repeat the success in order to meet expectations and receive a new portion of pleasant words. This motivates him to become better, learn and improve his skills. Unlike praise, flattery is an ordinary lie. And if sincere warm words can increase self-esteem and motivate a person, too obvious flattery, on the contrary, makes him think that there is simply nothing to praise him for.
The skill of a flatterer
How do real pros flatter, and what makes their flattery convincing? Knowledge and understanding of human nature. Drawing up a psychological portrait is not enough for a quality strategy.
Shades of flattery
For each person, a flatterer will find its own shade, depending on self-esteem, position in society, and anxiety. The general director will receive a particularly elegant compliment with a noticeable amount of adulation, the deputy director will receive a different tone, and the head of the department will receive an insignificant compliment for the company.
Getting to know the bride's family, the flatterer skillfully distributes attention between dad, mom and second cousin from the unknown wilderness. All for the sake of credibility.
Place and time
Flattery is good if it fits the situation. Inappropriate but pleasant speech arouses suspicion. They don't fit into the picture of the usual.
The flatterer's task is to bypass human critical thinking. Once a comment falls into the category of inappropriate, it is carefully analyzed. In 90% of cases it is not in favor of the flatterer.
The interval between flattering reviews is also important. The more often they sound, the more unconvincing they become
Playing on weaknesses
Weaknesses are passions, complexes, tyranny. It is more difficult to flatter a beautiful woman than to flatter an ugly woman. You need to use ingenuity to make the compliment unusual, but not forced. Women's weakness is the desire to be beautiful, loved, desired. Men care about sexuality, the feeling of their strength and dignity. The weakness of a motorist is his iron horse, while those who love jewelry are new earrings.
A puny man will be flattered if a lady pretends to be small and weak, leaving him to do a mere trifle, and praises his masculinity and strength. A woman who does not attract the attention of the stronger sex will surrender to an experienced tempter without a fight after a couple of skillful compliments. People are defenseless against their weaknesses.
The shades of flattery cannot be counted. How do people flatter? Yes, everything is different. Some skillfully, others crookedly and banally. But the goal is the same for everyone: to make your life better.
How to respond to flattery?
Regardless of the motives, intentional flattery is always hypocrisy and deception of the person to whom it is addressed. Therefore, even if the flatterer does not pursue any selfish goals, it is still unpleasant. How to react to this is up to everyone to decide for themselves, but by and large, three main options are possible:
- Stop flattery. If such an attitude is unpleasant to you, it is better to stop it immediately. You can act in different ways, but the easiest way is to say directly: “You don’t need to flatter me!” or “Thank you for the flattery, but I prefer sincere compliments.” This may offend the flatterer, but if he likes you, you will not look worse in his eyes.
- Ignore. You don’t have to show that the falsity has been revealed, and watch how the flatterer will behave in the future. If he really wants to manipulate you, why not answer him in kind?
- Give in and reciprocate. It happens that flattery is quite pleasant, for example, if you have sympathy for the flatterer and a desire to get closer to him. Perhaps he simply does not know how to give compliments and thus is trying to win your affection. In this case, you can “enter the game” and answer him in kind.
Whatever option you choose, remember that it is not at all necessary to rudely suppress flattery or accept it compliantly. Very often it is caused by a simple lack of communication skills. This means that in most cases it is enough to directly tell the person that his compliments are too similar to flattery, and he should behave more restrained.
The art of seduction
Finally, let's talk about the most pleasant part, the question, what does it mean to “flatter a girl”? A compliment is a rather difficult and, one might say, subject that always eludes definition. Undisguised flattery in the first meaning appears when a guy lies ineptly. For example, he tells a frankly ugly girl how good she is. But it was necessary to act differently. A person is designed in such a way that he wants to hear something pleasant about his weaknesses. Beauties should be praised for minimal intellectual achievements, and intellectuals should be praised for correctly chosen makeup or a successful design solution.
If you want to seduce a girl, avoid “clumsy” methods. She should not have the feeling that what is happening is artificial. A sure sign that a man has failed is to hear a girl ask: “What does the word “flatter” mean, can you explain to me? Preferably with examples." In other words, as a very famous rock musician sang: “Watch yourself, be careful.”
Synonyms
After the meaning was left behind, it was time for replacement words. Let's look at them:
- deceive;
- to please;
- to cringe;
- embellish reality;
- prevaricate;
- distort facts;
- say nice things;
- support;
- provide psychological support.
A person who is accustomed to the idea that flattery is bad will not understand how positive definitions got into synonyms. Calm, just calm. As we have already found out, flattery may not carry a negative charge.
Let's say a boss praises an employee for doing a good job. The manager, of course, flatters the subordinate, because he is not coping brilliantly, but the boss shows emotional sensitivity and wants to support his employee so that he does not lose heart completely. Now you can think about what “flatters” means. For now, let's move on to examples.
"A word can save..."
The language (not necessarily Russian) is amazing and powerful as a tool for influencing people. A word spoken at the right time can sometimes change the course of history. The word, like a key, enters the keyhole of a problem and unlocks it. Support provided at the right time is priceless.
For example, a guy starts writing poetry. His first ones are not very good, but his parents still praise them so as not to discourage his taste for writing and creative exploration. It is unknown, of course, whether this will bear any fruit or not. A young man can even say to his father: “You, of course, flatter me. I understand that, but thanks anyway.”
It must be said that praise does not work with everyone. Some people, on the contrary, demand honesty. But that is another story.
