The reasons why a husband does not value and respect his wife, what problems exist in the relationship, the root of these problems and what can be done, you will get answers in this article.
I am a psychologist with more than 12 years of experience, and one of the reasons to become a psychologist is the disrespectful relationship between my parents, therefore, I know first-hand what happens in a family when a husband does not respect and value his wife, and also insults, calls and raises his hand. As a child, I wondered why my mother tolerated this attitude towards herself? And only as an adult did I figure out why this was happening?
I want to immediately answer the question that you may have - what is happening in my family, between me and my husband? In my family, everything is fine, and if you are interested, you can read my personal story.
So, grab a cup of coffee, the article will be long, detailed and honest. I’m sure you don’t need nice words about a woman’s sacrifice, but rather specific recommendations on how to change the situation? Therefore, something will be unpleasant for you, but... come on, such is life...
Reasons why a husband doesn't respect his wife?
When we talk about the lack of respect for women in the family, we must understand that nothing comes out of the blue.
We all marry almost out of love, or at least out of strong sympathy, and it is natural that a bad attitude towards a girl could not be present during courtship.
And if suddenly the man was rude from the very beginning of the relationship, then the woman should think to herself why she agreed to live together with this moral monster?
Another option - rudeness, rudeness, lack of respect, appeared some time after the wedding. This means that the woman was unable to get to the bottom of the man during courtship, and was blinded by love.
The third option, when we lived together for a long time and in the process of living together, the man’s rudeness and rudeness increased gradually, and at first, it was attributed to fatigue, stress, it was her own fault, she asked at the wrong time, etc.
But regardless of when it all started, we need to figure out why this is happening? And of course, the main question is who is to blame?
Let's determine what signs can be used to determine that a husband actually treats his wife with disrespect:
Signs by which you can understand when a husband does not respect his wife:
Indifference, lack of interest.
Deliberate disregard for the interests and affairs of the wife. By all appearances he shows that he is not interested, because she:
- Stupid or stupid;
- She won't succeed, and he knows it in advance;
- She cannot do anything interesting or important;
Constant criticism.
Criticizes for everything possible. At the same time, the criticism is derogatory, with sarcasm, turning into moral teaching about how to do it right.
Criticism applies to everything:
- Appearance – figure, hair, hairstyle, clothes, etc.
- Carrying out household duties - cooking, keeping the house clean;
- Relatives and social circle - parents, girlfriends, friends, all of them are spoken about only in a negative way;
Lack of help.
Helping with cleaning the house, washing the dishes or preparing food is beneath the dignity of a man who does not respect a woman. He believes that there are “women’s affairs” and there are men’s affairs, he has a clear division of responsibilities in the house, and there can be no talk of any gender equality.
Most often, he does not help with buying groceries, and the woman herself drags heavy bags from the store. In fact, such a man does not have an understanding of the fragility of a woman, he perceives her as an equal, and believes that there is no need to help. Criticizes if the wife is tired and needs rest.
Reproaches.
Reproaches, caustic remarks, constant reminders that she “sits” on his neck, he feeds her, she lives in his apartment, etc. The accusations are that she spends a lot of money, and the woman constantly has to account for expenses on food or utility bills. It does not allow you to spend money on yourself and your needs, even if the woman earns it herself.
Mistrust
Total distrust in everything, tries to catch him on some little things, believes that his wife is constantly deceiving him. Pathological jealousy is possible, when every step is checked, a woman’s absence from home is calculated down to the minute, and if she is late, a scandal with a showdown is created. Very similar to mental illness - paranoia.
Answers on questions
Married for a long time, there are children. I do a lot for my family, there is no help, I do everything myself. At the same time, I have time to work and maintain physical fitness. But over time, I began to notice that the more I do for my husband, the less he appreciates it, he takes everything for granted. He used to blow away specks of dust from me, but now he doesn’t mince words if he’s dissatisfied with something. The last time I wanted to go out for coffee with a friend, and he said that I only care about girlfriends and going to cafes. It’s very disappointing to hear this, how can I get his good attitude back?
Stop trying to please your spouse and remember that you have your own desires. Surely, while on maternity leave with your last child, you dreamed that he would grow up and then you would definitely go to karaoke with your friends, go on a trip, sign up for English courses, or just go to the movies alone and walk around the city.
It was so? So start doing what you have long wanted to do, right now. Finally, leave your husband half of the responsibilities for caring for children and home - after all, children have two parents, who both work, which means that all household responsibilities should be divided in half.
Men love comfortable and ideal women, but do not appreciate them. Re-establish your personal boundaries and remind your husband that you have the right to a few hours a week that you can spend at your discretion.
We were with a man in a bar with a group of his friends. I left earlier because I wasn’t feeling well, but he stayed. Towards night I felt bad, I called him asking him to come home, but he ridiculed me, said unpleasant things and refused to go. Moreover, I realized that his friends heard everything, because immediately after his remark everyone started laughing. I feel humiliated and offended, but I can’t imagine how to teach him a lesson. In the morning he came to breakfast as if nothing had happened, and didn’t even apologize.
Did you also get up early to prepare breakfast for him? Next time, it would be nice if, after a similar situation, your man did not find you at home when he returned from the party. And I wouldn't be able to get through to you.
The harsher his insults, the more serious the measures you must take. And don't give up like that, even without an apology. A man will not understand that you should not be treated this way if forgiveness comes too easily to him after the incident.
I met a man two years ago. The spark, the tender feelings, could not be separated for hours after the meetings. He moved in with me, quit his job, which was a long way to get to, and helped him find another one that was closer. I arranged it with my friends. She was an ideal housewife, always fresh home-cooked food, ironed shirts, cleanliness and comfort. She helped with work as much as possible, gave gifts, cared for him, supported him in everything. I still don’t understand at what point everything went wrong. He started drinking, quit after a conflict at work, and did not look for a new job. But he started bringing women into the house while I was working double duty to support him, who was unemployed, and reproaching me for being to blame for all his failures. This was the last straw. We broke up, enough time passed, but I still haven’t met anyone: I’m afraid history will repeat itself. I wish I knew what I did wrong to prevent this from happening in the future.
Your mistake is that you voluntarily took on the role of head of your family. They invited him to live in their apartment, convinced him to leave his uncomfortable job and settled him in with their friends, taking care of his life and finances.
A woman’s task is to accept a man’s care, and not vice versa. It is you who must depend on him, not he on you.
In fact, many women find themselves in this situation, who want to appear strong and independent and end up losing on all fronts, while also remaining guilty. To prevent this from happening, do not try to take on a man’s concerns, encourage his initiative, accept his care and attention.
There is no need to solve his problems. The best thing you can do if a man is having difficulties is to support him and tell him that he will definitely cope with everything. That's all.
Don’t suppress the qualities in men that we love them for. Appreciate yourself, spend your extra free minute on yourself rather than on dirty dishes or an unironed shirt. Then the man will treat you accordingly.
There are also hidden signs of disrespect for a woman:
The wife is the last to know everything, and most often from friends and relatives. The husband does not consider it necessary to talk about anything, about his plans, for example, about where they will go on vacation with the whole family.
- Does not allow you to do what you love or hobby. At the same time, he creates fog, and it looks like he cares about his wife.
- Doesn't keep his promises.
- Pays attention to other women, compares them with his wife, while the wife is always in a losing position.
- Doesn't pay attention to his wife's requests, spending time on gadgets.
Needless to say, living with such a man is very difficult, and the question arises - why live with such a man? In the name of what? Love?
But, let's be honest, what kind of love can we talk about if they wipe their feet on you?
I will never believe that you can love a person who mocks you, is rude, rude, calls you names, humiliates you and does all the other things that can happen in such a destructive relationship.
Personally, I think such relationships are psychological violence against a woman.
= = =
You can justify yourself ad infinitum as to why I live with such a man, but life won’t get better from it. Frequent excuses for why I tolerate such treatment almost always sound the same:
- I love him;
- I have nowhere to go;
- I don’t have a job and my child is small;
- He loves me, he just doesn’t understand what he’s doing;
- I feel sorry for him, I’ll leave and he’ll disappear.
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In consultations, women often say that they have no choice, they cannot break off the relationship because they are financially dependent on the man.
There is always a choice! Another thing is that it’s scary. It's always scary to change your life, especially so radically. I remember when I was already an adult and got married, I once asked my mother: “Why don’t you leave your father?”
In response, I heard, I have nowhere to go, I’m no longer a girl to wander around apartments.
By the way, she was only about 45 years old then.
Unfortunately, the fear of change does not allow you to take care of yourself, create normal conditions for life, and perhaps in the future, meet a normal man and create a relationship with him.
There is such a deceptive moment, it seems that if I understand why my husband treats me with disrespect, then I can change the relationship.
Of course, there are certain reasons why things happen. But will knowing the reasons somehow help influence the situation?
What should I do if a man humiliates me?
Even the most attractive, intelligent and interesting women can find themselves in a situation in which a man humiliates her.
First of all, you need to understand that such behavior is unacceptable, and not let go of situations in which he humiliated or insulted you. If you forgave him once, twice and three times, and your forgiveness did not cost him any effort, he will not draw any conclusion and will continue to regularly humiliate you.
Therefore, the first way to stop evil jokes and insults directed at you is to distance yourself. As much as you can. At the same time, explain to him the reason for the removal and how he can return your favor.
The more difficult it is for him to earn forgiveness, the more likely he is to draw the right conclusion. But there can be only one conclusion - you can’t be treated like that, period.
The second way to stop humiliation and insults is to increase your self-esteem and believe that you deserve much more than this man can offer you. There are many ways to increase self-esteem, choose to your taste.
It is necessary to develop confidence and self-respect, since the attitude towards oneself directly affects the quality of life. Please love yourself, take care of your peace of mind and do not surrender your personal boundaries to a man who humiliates you.
Do not agree to such an attitude, because sooner or later you yourself will believe what he says about you. Learn to value yourself so that those around you, including your partner, can begin to do the same.
Why a husband does not respect his wife, reasons:
That's how he was brought up.
If in the parental family the father was a tyrant and treated his mother rudely, then the child absorbed from childhood that this is how it should be. Many families have a disrespectful attitude towards women, but not all men become cattle when they grow up.
Why is this happening? No one can answer this question; much depends on what is inherent inside the child by nature. Some become an excellent family man and respect and appreciate their woman, while others completely copy the attitude of their father towards their mother.
Is it possible to somehow change the behavior of an adult man, is it possible to somehow teach him, or even teach him a lesson?
There is an unwritten rule - if a person doesn’t want to, you can’t force him. After all, such a man does not see any problem at all in his relationship with his wife. Everything is normal for him, as it should be. And he doesn’t even understand that he’s mocking a woman.
Rough disrespectful behavior, rudeness, is absorbed with mother's milk, and such men have specific views and beliefs about women, for example,
- A chicken is not a bird, a woman is not a person.
- All women are fools.
- It's a woman's job to cook food and wash the floors.
Why, one wonders, a woman from the very beginning of a relationship cannot discern such a tyrant, a misogynist?
Because he's pretending... maybe he doesn't even know what he'll be like in a relationship yet. After all, he didn’t have his own family, he had nowhere to show these negative qualities.
Complexes and low self-esteem.
One of the reasons when a husband does not respect his wife is complexes and low self-esteem.
When one person humiliates and insults another person, then at such a moment he feels on top, feels superior. And this state of affairs speaks of major internal psychological problems.
He wants to feel confident, to feel self-sufficient, but the complexes that arose in childhood or adolescence do not provide this opportunity.
Complexes can be very different - he does not feel courageous, sexy, does not feel his authority, he has fears, etc.
Unfortunately, with equal or strong personalities, such men do not show their inclinations towards rudeness, because, by and large, they are cowards. But with a woman who is weaker physically and sometimes emotionally, they literally “bloom.”
And after all, they move towards such destructive behavior in small steps, they said something, did something - they assessed it, what was the reaction?
Is it possible to continue to do this? Did you have a ride? She “ate”, remained silent, did not answer, which means that she can continue to slowly become impudent and trample on the dignity of a woman.
I am sure that if you have such a man, then he clearly knows with whom and how he can behave? In such cases, it cannot be said that he acts unconsciously, because he does not understand what he is doing.
He understands everything perfectly and does his dirty work completely consciously.
Can a woman somehow influence and change such a man?
In my opinion, it is unlikely. A change in relationships can only happen if a man decides to undergo a serious internal restructuring, a change in his perception. It is very difficult for such men to accept help, because he will understand how imperfect he is.
Psychological trauma.
One of the reasons why a husband does not respect his wife is psychological trauma.
When we talk about psychological trauma, we mean that there was a traumatic event that changed his worldview, sense of himself, and attitude towards people. Trauma can occur at any age. Of course, most often, childhood trauma has a huge impact on character and attitude towards oneself and the world.
Bad attitude, cruelty, lack of love and attention in childhood, all this creates a “shell” in relation to other people. During falling in love, when a man receives a lot of love and recognition, then love “melts” this “ice fortress”. But the views and character traits acquired earlier, over time, take over.
In my practice, there have been many cases where men who passed through hot spots received serious psychological trauma. Any war, participation in hostilities breaks the human psyche.
Unfortunately, it is not customary in our country for men to undergo rehabilitation after hot spots, no matter how seriously their psyche was damaged.
Such men show disrespect for women at times, often this happens during moments of alcoholic intoxication, when all the brakes are released and internal demons come to light.
Two of my friends, their husbands, went through hot spots and neither of them went through rehabilitation or ever visited a psychologist, although such a service can be obtained completely free of charge.
What was going on in their families?
When sober, they are white and fluffy, I love it, I’ll buy a tram, but if a drop of alcohol gets into my mouth, then all hell breaks loose.
Thank God that both friends were able to realize what was happening and ran away in time.
Reasons for disrespect
Psychologists identify several main reasons:
- Repetition of the father's behavior pattern. We often copy the behavior of our parents. If in a man’s family the father did not respect the mother, then he will behave the same way, because he does not have a worthy example.
- Inferiority complex. If a man does not know how to stand up for himself, and he is oppressed at work or among friends, then he can take it out on his wife. Knowing that she is weaker than him, he humiliates her in order to increase his own sense of importance.
- Childhood trauma. If a man was subjected to domestic violence or bullying at school as a child, this could lead to aggression in adulthood.
- Wife's disrespect. If initially the husband valued and respected his wife, and then his behavior changed, then perhaps this is the wife’s fault. If she herself treats him with disrespect, then by doing so she can cause the same attitude towards her.
Important: If the cause is his father’s model, an inferiority complex or childhood trauma, then it is recommended to seek help from a psychologist.
What advice and recommendations can you give if your husband treats you with disrespect?
Honestly and with all my heart, I advise you to leave such a man. If you feel that disrespect is ossified, ingrained in his flesh, that he will not be different - leave!
Take your children and run, take care of your children, so that they grow up in a normal emotional atmosphere, so that they do not grow up with severe psychological trauma.
If a girl is brought up in a family where her mother is constantly disrespected, then she will believe that this is how it should be. That it’s a woman’s lot to endure humiliation and suffer. Do you want such a fate for your daughter? I think not.
Boys completely adopt the behavior of their father and bring the same principles to their family. They, just like their father, will abuse their women. Do you want your son to grow up to be a moral monster? I'm sure you don't want this for your son.
There is a stupid opinion in our society that children must have a father. I'm sorry, but did someone ask the children what they want and how they want it?
You should always remember that your husband is an adult, and this means that he soberly evaluates everything that happens and understands what he is doing? And if he doesn’t understand, doesn’t realize, then why live with an imbecile?
Imagine for a moment that you are transported 10 years into your future...
What did you see there?
Most likely, in 10 years, nothing will change, your husband treats you the same way, the children have grown up, and you are left alone with a tyrant who takes pleasure in mocking you.
And you think with sadness that you should have left him 10 years ago... and you realize with bitterness that time is running out, and life has passed you by, and you were in emotional slavery...
Maybe it’s time now to free yourself from disrespect, from insults and humiliation of your dignity?
Yes... scary... really scary to take responsibility for your life, completely and unconditionally.
But if you decide, you will definitely find a solution to all the problems that arise when you decide to leave your husband.
And in conclusion, I would like to draw your attention to one point... Perhaps, after reading all of the above, you have not found these signs in your relationship, but you still feel that your husband does not respect you.
You probably have high expectations and demands of how a man should treat a woman.
I’ll decipher my thought..., for example, are you sure that when a woman enters a room, a man must stand up if he is sitting and greet.
Or, a man must definitely open the door for you, or hand you outerwear, or pull out a chair in a restaurant.
A man should entertain you if you are sad.
Such actions towards a woman speak of education, not disrespect. And these are two big differences.
If your husband is from a simple family, then it is quite possible that he simply was not instilled with the rules of good manners in relations with a woman. And if he also read few books, then he had no way to know how to communicate with a woman?
I’ll end here, and I hope that you received a detailed answer - why does a husband not respect his wife?
And finally, I would like to give a little advice - as soon as you understand your own uniqueness, self-worth, two things will happen:
1 thing - your husband will change his attitude towards you.
2nd thing - you realize your worth, and if everything is bad, then without a twinge of conscience, leave this man.
Be loved and happy!
Sincerely, family psychologist Natalia Gnezdilova.
IMPORTANT! Don't forget to download the free checklist “22 phrases that will save your relationship”
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The author of the article is Natalia Gnezdilova , family psychologist with 15 years of experience. I help women 35+ regain love, respect and trust in relationships with men. I consult online in any of the messengers - Skype, WhatsApp, Viber. Subscribe: my Instagram YouTube channel VK page
Advice for a woman on how to make a man appreciate her
When a girl understands that a man does not respect her and does not value communication with her, that she is not in the first place in his life, then it is better not to continue this relationship.
If a woman hopes to change the relationship for the better, then you need to listen to some advice so that the guy respects and appreciates you. Never put yourself in a dependent position on your partner. If you are addicted, you should try to get out of it as quickly as possible.
For example, a girl has an affair with a married man. She loves him and doesn't want to part with him. But the man is not going to divorce his wife, and makes this clear. As a result, a woman is dependent and subordinate to a man. What to do? How to regain respect? There is only one way - this relationship should be broken.
A woman should never allow herself to be criticized or told who to communicate with and what to do. Having allowed this once, then it will be quite difficult to change the situation for the better. The psychology of many men is such that if a girl remains silent to one critical remark, then to the second, unfounded nagging and claims will begin and he no longer values such a relationship. Therefore, you should immediately respond to any comment so that the situation does not worsen.
By following these rules, any woman will make a man respect her.
