What to do if tension arises
Photo by RODNAE Productions: Pexels
Not every discord is worth attacking. And most often, the growing tension does not at first receive the attention of the spouses. Everything is attributed to fatigue and a temporary crisis.
And if it passes over time as a result of a natural restructuring of relationships, the spouses become closer. But if the tension does not disappear, then something needs to be done urgently, because “it won’t go away on its own.”
To improve the situation, you can try the following:
- Half the solution to a problem is to admit that it exists. Therefore, you need to sit down and discuss everything with your partner and together understand that there are problems in the marriage;
- Discuss the reasons that could lead to disagreements, hear each other;
- Decide that to save your marriage, you must act together;
- Start working together.
If the crisis has dragged on, you need to spend more time alone, trying to get rid of the routine and change stops. In the event that the plan to resuscitate the relationship does not work, divorce is the only chance for happiness.
What to do if it seems like love is gone
Analyze your relationship. Think about whether this person is truly dear to you or not? Do you want to return intimacy and romance or let everything go as it goes? The last option speaks of fatigue and hopelessness. Take a short time out, take a break from each other and answer the question - is there any point in continuing?
It happens that a man makes it clear from the very beginning that he does not want to get married or have children, but the woman still waits. But over time, nothing changes and is unlikely to change. Remember that in a relationship without love, intimacy, trust, without shared values, there is no true joy. And a joyless existence next to a stranger has never made anyone happy.
And what’s even worse is the feeling that you’re losing yourself in a relationship. That is, you are trying to live someone else’s life, but you are pushing your desires and feelings far away. Sometimes a man limits a woman and puts pressure on her. Then the break will be like liberation. Go to the section “Life after separation” and you will understand that life does not end after a divorce.
But to create a strong relationship, even with any other man, you will have to work hard. How exactly do I teach in the online course “Secrets of Women’s Happiness”? Here girls deal with stereotypes in relationships, learn to love themselves and their men, and open up new opportunities for happiness. So sign up on our official website of the Pavel Rakov shopping center.
Girls, by what signs do you understand that love is over? Do you agree that she can pass? Share in the comments, I remind you that the answers are anonymous.
What not to do
If the signs that a husband or wife wants to divorce are obvious, then they cannot be ignored. The problem will not solve itself. But there are also moments that should not be allowed if the marriage is definitely heading towards divorce.
- Don’t make hasty and impulsive decisions, rushing to burn all bridges as quickly as possible;
- Don't go it alone. The partner must actively participate in solving your problems;
- You cannot remain silent about what you are not happy with. Divorce will not solve all problems. It is important to convey all your complaints to your partner. Maybe he is not aware that anything is wrong at all;
- Don’t hope that your lover will change and everything will immediately become the same. A marriage can only be saved through joint efforts;
- But don't hesitate. The sooner you solve your problems, the more painless the breakup will be.
Don't manipulate the divorce unless you're actually ready to go and file. If the need for a break has arisen, then you need to act, and not just chat.
How do you know when it's time to break up?
Alexey Mikhalsky: We constantly predict our future. And in a relationship, a lot depends on what the prognosis is. We analyze our partner’s actions, and if we understand that our needs in this relationship will not be met, then the forecast is pessimistic and we are inclined to separate. Previous experience also influences the decision. That is, if we had a bad time in a relationship before, we are more likely to believe that it won’t work out this time either. However, different couples have different needs. And this is not always the need for affection and security.
There are couples in which the parties value independence, but they also enjoy, for example, traveling together or exploring the world and themselves. Proximity is not so important, they get it somewhere else. But to save a couple you need a mutual desire. If only one person is interested in it, it is unlikely that anything will work out.
Alarm calls - lack of sex, frequent quarrels. But nothing can be said for sure here. And when clients come to me, I suggest giving the relationship a trial period, performing different tasks, observing yourself. If the partners do not have a clear answer as to whether they want to continue living together, then the therapist does not have one either. You have to try it here.
Anastasia Akbarova: Even the separate phrase “I don’t want to be with you anymore!” - perhaps not so much a firm decision as a desire to hide from pain that cannot be dealt with in other ways. That is, you want to leave not so much from this person, but from the current situation. And here there may be a chance to help partners better understand themselves and each other, and establish communication.
Perhaps a relationship can be considered exhausted when partners are simply not interested in being together. They don’t make common plans, don’t know why they need to be around, and they don’t experience negative emotions, but “nothing,” emptiness. But it doesn’t often happen when both come to the idea of breaking up at the same time. Rather, the initiator is one person. And then the second one hurts more.
Psychologists' opinion
Relationships are not always hopeless. The following ways will help rehabilitate love:
- Overcome routine, diversify everyday life. Every weekend you should go out into nature, to the park or to the cinema. Vivid emotions will not let love fade away.
- Do not complain about your partner to friends and relatives (even your mother). The intervention of outsiders contributes to the destruction of the couple.
- Understand and accept the need for your partner’s personal space and time. This is useful in all aspects, since lovers will have time to get bored. Personality develops more successfully in such conditions, and partners do not lose interest in each other.
- Repeat words of love and gratitude more often. Not all couples follow this simple advice. Saying a phrase that seems obvious seems meaningless.
- Less criticism. This does not mean that a partner cannot be criticized at all and must be placed on a pedestal. But constant accusations and complaints do not help strengthen love.
- More romance and attention. Surprises and gifts should be given not only during the candy and bouquet period.
READ How to make peace with your husband after a strong quarrel and improve family relationships
These actions are rather preventive. If a relationship has outlived its usefulness, psychologists advise not to cling and let go:
- Feelings have become unrequited, the partner is trying to publicly insult or ridicule the person.
- Relationships are built on control and manipulation on the part of one of the partners.
- Embarrassment of your girlfriend (boyfriend), reluctance to take your chosen one out with friends.
In these cases, the affair (marriage) needs to end as soon as possible to avoid getting stuck in a toxic relationship. Breaking up with a person is not easy, but the longer such a connection lasts, the more difficult it is to break it.
The fading of love occurs when a relationship goes through one or another crisis stage. This can be easily determined by some obvious and hidden signs. You need to try to save the relationship, but if this is impossible, then you should let go.
I stopped loving my husband, what should I do?
I stopped loving my husband, what should I do, what should I do - stay and live with an unloved person, hate and endure, or leave?
I'm sure this is the question running through your head.
Let's think a little about this topic.
- Do you love yourself?
- Do you think that your happiness is the most important thing in life?
- Do you put yourself first?
If you answered yes to these three questions, then you would not be on this page, because, loving yourself and taking care of yourself, you would not even be tormented by such questions and choices.
As soon as you realized that you were unhappy in a relationship, you would immediately make the right decision for yourself and end the relationship.
Why do people who separate so often quarrel and blame each other?
Anastasia Akbarova: When someone is in pain, depending on their character traits, they can hold the other, pull away, or attack him. Because if everything collapsed, did I make a mistake? And I want to say: “No, it’s not me, it’s your fault! You killed my best years” and so on. The law of life is paradoxical: it is easier to leave a good relationship.
Alexey Mikhalsky: Parting is like an accident. Everyone reacts differently. Some will remain silent, others will shout, scold other drivers, the road: this is how they cope with stress and give vent to emotions. One driver can then move on, while another needs a month of respite. The third one will never drive again. A break in a relationship means unjustified hopes for the future. It is always painful and affects your well-being and health. But everyone has different sensitivities and their own strategies for dealing with it.
Conflicts have been replaced by indifference4
Not everyone manages to live in perfect harmony; conflicts occur even in the calmest and most balanced couples, but overcoming them only strengthens the relationship. So if quarrels between you end with breaking dishes and subsequent violent sex among the fragments, it’s too early to talk about the decline of love, unless you should think about anger management. But as soon as conflicts, quarrels and scandals are replaced by cold indifference, this is a sure sign of the end.
However, even if you are not one of those who quarrel with or without reason, you will feel the appearance of indifference in the relationship. The question “how was your day?” disappears from your vocabulary, communication is reduced to a minimum, without even saying hello, you immerse yourself in your favorite TV shows, games and other hobbies. When your partner is no longer interested in you, it is easy to understand and feel. But along with the realization of this fact comes a sad understanding that love has long left you two.
Gradual cooling
Each time falling in love passes more and more unnoticed. The body seems to be developing immunity. The subconscious builds new defense mechanisms designed to protect a person from difficult experiences. Feelings dissolve imperceptibly. Life goes on smoothly. Everything is as usual, if not for a couple of unusual discoveries:
My thoughts became clearer. Previously, you thought about your lover every moment, could not concentrate on business and work, and spent your free minutes sending the next love message. Now you can easily switch to solving important problems and occasionally remember your former object of admiration. You spend more time with yourself, family, and friends. Now you don’t run, as before, to meet your lover. You now have time for your favorite TV series, hobby or evening in front of the computer. You notice flaws that you didn't see before. The ideal image of the beloved collapses and is replaced by a more realistic one.
These manifestations can become both a signal of fading love and a transitional stage between fleeting attraction and serious feeling. There is a huge gap between complete indifference and moderate cooling. When the heat of love passes, the opportunity arises to look at the person better, to feel him, to get to know him again. It takes time for the feeling of love to flare up. A relationship should be ended if a person is perceived as a stranger, and next to him there is a feeling of discomfort and tension.
Is a good relationship necessary after divorce?
Anastasia Akbarova: A calm relationship is a sign of a completed divorce. If divorce is seen as a failure, it hurts self-esteem. Nowadays, many couples, even if they do not have children or joint projects, try to separate amicably.
Alexey Mikhalsky: Of course, not everyone needs good relationships. It all depends on how much the partner fits into our picture of the world. If we can live in a situation where we no longer see this person, then there is no need to continue the relationship. But if they do not end, it is better that they are not traumatic. It happens that a couple breaks up, but the two continue to do what they love together. For example, they go to concerts, no longer claiming common intimate space. But most often this lasts until someone gets a new partner who takes over the attention.
Love for my husband has passed: VIDEO advice from a psychologist!
What to do if you have lost feelings for your husband? In this situation, psychologists offer only two options for the development of events:
- Stay and try to revive faded feelings.
- Get a divorce.
What decision a woman makes depends on the specific situation. This can be influenced by many factors, including marital history, the presence of children and other limiting reasons. When you are not sure, you need to listen to the advice of psychologists:
- Change your surroundings - go on vacation to the sea coast or a country you have long wanted to visit, relax in nature, or buy a ticket to a sanatorium. Spending time together in an unusual environment will give feelings another chance.
- Develop yourself. Find a new hobby or develop your new look.
- Live separately. The absence of a spouse nearby will give you the opportunity to understand whether it is bad or good without your spouse. Moreover, this applies not only to financial issues, but also to raising children.
Withdrawal
She is a frequent companion of the young, inexperienced, who have fallen in love for the first time. It’s painful to watch dream castles crumble, failed marriages break up, and imaginary children not be born. Having succumbed to love for the first time, young people build a new universe around the object of their feelings; it becomes the center of the universe. A person in love develops a feeling of dependence, which makes it difficult to leave the relationship. The terrible moment of the first breakup is the inability to admit the illusory nature of the made-up world. To a person in love, it seems that life cannot continue without the beloved. But what are the causes of suffering?
Young people feel pain from broken dreams. The exit from the first relationship is a road of uncertainty. How to live further? If you cling to your ex-lover as your only bastion of stability, it means your feelings have gone away. Fears of a new life remained.
A common phenomenon is the fear of loneliness. The status “In love with...” changes to “Everything is complicated.” Trying to delay the inevitable causes even more suffering. And the feelings cannot be returned. The old admiration was gone, the interest was gone. One obsessive and natural in its selfishness thought pulsates in my head: “What about me?” I want to prove my importance to the person I loved in the past, to hit him harder.
Some couples choose the tactic of alternating breakups and reconciliations, artificially heating up feelings.
Quarrels happen in every couple, but when they become commonplace, you need to forget about the seriousness of the relationship.
Another category susceptible to sensory withdrawal is people prone to deep inner experiences and persistent feelings. They masterfully heat up internal tension. Suffering becomes proof of “true love.” In fact, experiences come down to egocentric thoughts and the creation of an exalted image of a martyr.
About love and falling in love
Falling in love is an unstable, fickle, stormy feeling. It comes suddenly, hits the head with the intoxication of feelings, intoxicates the mind. And human nature, hormones, pheromones are to blame. Reproduction is the basis of permanence. It is supported by the natural mechanism of falling in love. Here, even a prince, even a beggar, everything is one: the clouded consciousness cannot discern to whom the heart is so passionately drawn. Or maybe not a heart at all. Falling in love passes as suddenly as it comes. The man is sobering up, but the love hangover has not been canceled. That’s why it’s so bad, that’s why former couples are struggling.
Love is a stable, constant, reasonable feeling. They immerse themselves in it with complete dedication and understanding. Loving people look soberly at their partner, see shortcomings and positive sides, know their habits and inclinations, respect their partner’s freedom, care, and worry. In a love union, addiction is not painful.
Falling in love is a bright flash of fireworks, and love is a warm center of constancy.
Leave to stay
Most often, a couple decides to separate. Breaking up is always a painful thing, habits, living together with a partner, children, common affairs and many other things in common need to be somehow environmentally divided and “lived through” this separation.
Sometimes physical separation occurs, but psychologically you are still in the relationship for a long time. Everything is very, very painful.
Relief may not happen, especially if there is a desire to return everything back. “It may be bad, but he’s mine.” What caused this situation?
What we are afraid of:
- Fear of loneliness
- Attachment to partner
- Condemnation of loved ones
- Fear of new relationships
It’s worth sitting down and starting to sort out the relationship yourself.
Why do feelings cool down?
When a guy and a girl just start dating, it seems to them that love lasts forever. Gradually, the partners grow cold towards each other, and sometimes experience disappointment. To understand why love passes, you need to study the possible reasons for the development of such a situation.
How long a marriage or affair will last depends on many factors. The potential danger to romantic relationships is sometimes obvious. Taking timely measures will help avoid a breakup.
Eats up everyday life
Fairytale love stories always end with a phrase about the long and happy life of the heroes together. But beautiful fictional stories always miss the routine - going to the store, getting the child ready for school or kindergarten, housekeeping. Continuous everyday life without glimpses of romance makes life dull and gray. Love leaves, routine eats it up.
This is especially true for married couples who develop a sense of accomplishment after the wedding. The spouses relax, because the partner is not going anywhere anyway. Interests narrow, a kind of tiny world arises: kitchen, watching TV, children, renovations. The husband and wife stop developing as individuals. All this is complemented by the lack of individual space, division of responsibilities, ignoring each other’s merits and achievements.
Views diverge
Many marriages are destroyed due to divergence of personal interests and opinions on certain issues. For this reason, quarrels and even violence in families may occur. It seems that it is better not to associate yourself romantically or in marriage with a person who has different beliefs.
But different positions are not a reason for separation. In some cases, this even works as a plus, adding dynamics to the relationship. The main thing is that disputes do not go beyond lively discussions.
Differences of opinion do not make people enemies. However, often one-sided and narrow thinking makes people divide the world into right and left, black and white, and be prejudiced against certain groups. But if partners show tolerance and objectivity, their union has a chance of further development.
READ What to do if your husband insults and humiliates: finding out the reasons and advice from psychologists
Someone new appears
If there is no genuine intimacy, the marriage is forced, then one or both partners will sooner or later have an affair. In this case, betrayal does not cause mental trauma. Both will pretend that they know nothing, and at the first opportunity they will separate, like ships at sea.
But often the situation is different: the third wheel (lover or mistress) can quickly destroy even the strongest relationships. This is painful, especially when the cheater was caught red-handed. To forgive betrayal, you need enormous mental strength. Not everyone has such resources, so in most cases, couples break up when they cheat.
Relationships don't develop
Every couple goes through a period of stagnation. Stability in love often degenerates into stagnation. Partners are burdened by each other’s company and try to attract friends and acquaintances to their company in order to diversify their communication.
They are no longer comfortable being alone with each other, enjoying every glance, word, gesture of their partner, as when they are in love. If a dose of romance is not urgently introduced into such relationships, they will quickly fade away.
