Romantic love has been known since time immemorial; philosophers have discussed it and poets have written poems about it. Falling in love does not obey the laws of reason and logic; it can lift us to the heights of euphoria and then bring us down into the abysses of despair for the most insignificant reasons.
We often fall in love just when we do not plan it at all, and often our friends and relatives cannot understand why we fell in love with this particular person.
“Yet science is gradually understanding the mysteries of falling in love, just as it has explained many natural phenomena that once seemed equally unpredictable and mysterious,” comments neuroscientist Lucy Brown.
Research shows that the process of falling in love usually consists of seven stages.
2. Intrusive thoughts
The first obsessive thoughts about love creep into your mind. You replay the dialogue in your head over and over again, remember what she was wearing that evening, or admire his smile.
As you read the book, you wonder if he would have liked it. How would she advise you to solve your problem with your boss? Every meeting with this person, spontaneous or planned, becomes an important event for you, which you then remember and analyze.
At first, these thoughts arise only occasionally, but over time they become truly intrusive. Many people think about their lover 85% to 100% of the time. Usually these thoughts do not interfere with everyday life, only creating a pleasant background for it. But sometimes they can take over your mind so much that they begin to distract you from work or study.
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A power struggle can, occurring instantly, break all dreams, lead to deep depression and lead to divorce. Military operations can take place in a very harsh form, since from childhood we are accustomed to yelling and crying when there is no attention.
There are 5 reasons for it: expectations, childhood taboos, childhood wounds, transferring one’s shortcomings onto a partner and the shortcomings of the partner himself.
It has 5 stages: shock, denial, disappointment, deal and despair.
In the next article we will take a closer look at the expectations that lead to power struggles and what to do about them.
4. Attraction, hope and uncertainty
Once you have a clear picture of your love object, you become even more attracted to him or her, feeling both hopeful and uncertain, hoping to start a relationship with him or her.
Everything that happens between you causes strong emotions: the slightest approval on his part - and it seems to you that your feelings are mutual, the mildest criticism plunges you into despair, and even a short separation causes anxiety. You are determined to overcome any obstacles in the way of love.
How do we fall in love?
Love as a feeling is more complex than sexual attraction. Coitus is just testosterone, estrogen, a few hormones ending in “n”, and the activity of the preoptic region of the hypothalamus.
But romantic love can be seen if you put 17 lovers in an MRI machine.
Certain brain structures—the right caudate nucleus and the right ventral tegmental area—are flooded with dopamine. These areas are associated with reward and motivation in all mammals, including humans. It is thanks to dopamine rewards that we enjoy eating tartar, learning Latin, snorting cocaine, and falling in love.
“Romantic love is not primarily an emotion, but a motivational system,” American scientists comment on the study. We don't just feel good about being close to the object of our love: dopamine wants us to make the other person happy, to believe that there is something special between us, and to protect it. This is how our brain works.
Some scientists even believe that it was this annoying desire that created civilization! There is a theory that reduces the origin of art to sexual selection: when we show intelligence, creativity, imagination, and the ability to move deftly, we are simply showing off in front of potential partners.
7.Feeling helpless
Perhaps at some point your strong feelings will be replaced by a feeling of complete helplessness. At first you may feel desperate, but gradually the obsessive desires will begin to weaken, and you yourself will be surprised that you behaved so irrationally.
You probably still really want to build a relationship with this person, but you already understand that this is not necessarily destined to happen. Your ability to think logically and act pragmatically returns.
“It’s remarkable that although we are more likely to fall in love with those we find physically attractive, sex plays a very small role in this,” explains Lucy Brown. - Yes, we want to make love with this person, but we crave emotional intimacy much more. Most of all we want to call each other, text and spend time with this person.”
Love or just infatuation? What is the difference?
Of course, these feelings are of the same nature, but one should not be confused with the other. Let's look at them in a little more detail.
What are the differences between infatuation and love?
Psychology of falling in love
Falling in love is a choice of the subconscious . A feeling can arise in an instant, like a flash, for no apparent reason. Often, the object of affection reminds of someone or something from deep childhood: it could be the smell of mom’s perfume, dad’s smile, or the feeling of carefree while communicating with his best friend.
Sometimes the reason for falling in love is to compensate for the lack of parental affection. This is a common problem among children of oppressive parents.
The psyche builds an associative series and makes you fall in love, trying to prolong the feeling of unconditional happiness . A person in love sees everything through a special prism of self-deception, or, as they call it, “rose-colored glasses”: the object of passion has no flaws - only features that can always be justified. Critical thinking and logic are disabled.
A direct parallel can be drawn between falling in love and drug addiction: a person’s mind is clouded by substances. In this case, it’s a cocktail of hormones:
- Oxytocin is a hormone of tenderness and affection. Bursts of this substance are observed during tactile contact: kisses, hugs, caresses. The most powerful release of oxytocin is experienced by a new mother who holds her baby for the first time.
The crush has passed: what next?
Falling in love is gone - like the taste of chewing gum, and nothing can be done about it. But today we’ll talk about what to do on the website Shtuchka.ru. Everyone is individual, and it depends only on you and your boyfriend how long the condition of “butterflies in the stomach” and “soap bubbles in the head” will last.
If we continue the analogy with chewing gum, then you can quietly serve more and more chewing gum, preferably with different flavors: today watermelon, then mint, then honey, sour lemon, etc. But it’s still not possible to feed the feeling of falling in love ad infinitum. After all, someday a lover will still want not chewing gum, but something more substantial: like borscht. And there is no particular tragedy in this, and a little lower you will read in more detail why.
How long does it take to fall in love?
In the meantime, you can still give average statistical data. Although everyone is unique, according to statistics, on average, falling in love goes away in 2-3-6 months. True, sometimes it can last much less - from several days to weeks. Or more - about a year. But this is a record!
For some reason, many say with regret that the passion of the first communication has passed. And sometimes they even try to enter into a relationship again and again just to experience these emotions; they want to stay with the person with whom the butterflies in their stomach will “settle” forever. But now you will understand that the problem is not with you or with him, and there is no problem.
Falling in love rapidly gains momentum, but at the same time quickly fades away. When you are in love, your body begins to produce dopamine. The substance is responsible for that euphoria and energy, a surge of some kind of even sometimes inspiration, for those “bubbles” in the head that make you do stupid things with a smile on your face and not even regret them. In addition, the concentration of adrenaline and norepinephrine increases. That’s why lovers can’t fall asleep at night, get excited when they meet, and even flinch when they receive an SMS.
If all this is about you, there is a “diagnosis” - falling in love, how quickly it goes away depends on you, too. Of course, you can’t deceive nature, the “chemistry” in you simply cannot rage forever, and it’s not entirely useful for life.
Is the love gone? So... it's time for love!
In general, let's try to figure out how falling in love happens.
First - the first stage, when everything is only at the level of flirting, SMS, dates at the cinema, cafes, etc. Many try to pretend that they are not at all who they really are, which is why subsequently falling in love passes much faster than it could would last. And it certainly doesn’t turn into love.
By the way, already at this stage, it happens that the first sex with a new man happens. Obviously, hormones are raging and all that. But it’s better to “put out” the fire in the body a little. Just be careful: don’t completely extinguish it. Look at the man's reaction to see how interested he is. Otherwise, it happens that you can “overexpose” it, and the “hunter” completely loses interest.
It is not at all necessary to warm up interest right away with sex. You can start with timid, then passionate kisses, in a fit of passion allow something more, flirt and intrigue. This is a separate topic.
The next stage is recognition of each other, but it still passes through the glasses of “rose-colored glasses”. The first sex happened, you added your loved one on social networks, set romantic statuses, throw songs on the wall, draw graffiti that only you understand. And here 6tu4ka.ru invites you to remember the analogy with chewing gum. Don’t feed him the same thing, and if you suddenly notice that he’s “bored of mint,” don’t throw a tantrum: “You’re not paying attention to me! Are you sick of me?". There is no need to sow even a shred of doubt in his brain that you actually have a good time together.
Now is the time to prove yourself: really, what are you really like? It's time to demonstrate your interests and not hide minor flaws. During this period, they seem like mere specks of dust compared to the many advantages. And when falling in love passes, and you change dramatically: you become a grumpy “saw” who won’t let you go even for 2 hours with friends, where can love grow? After all, there are no serious feelings yet, everything is at a mild stage, and you are already beginning to limit freedom. It’s moments like these that destroy, perhaps, an emerging deep feeling.
Sometimes love “breaks” in everyday life, sometimes it develops into love, and sometimes into indifference. Remember chewing gum - you keep chewing it, there is no taste. You throw it away later, and if there is no alternative, then you completely forget about the one who gave you this very, first such tasty and sweet, and then insipid chewing gum.
If the love has passed...
You begin to see all the flaws in your significant other. Just like he is in you! It is a mistake in this case to wait for it to change and try to change it. Don’t try to mold him into the ideal you fell in love with. On the contrary, this is your chance, before everything has gone too deep, to evaluate his shortcomings and agree with yourself whether you are ready to put up with them.
There is no need to stop exchanging compliments, gifts and surprises, especially if you started living together.
Now he increasingly sees you tired and without makeup? Do you hug less because you “don’t have time”? Alas, these are the right steps away from big and pure... From love. But this does not mean that you can say and do everything the same as before. Now you know the person better - his dreams and desires - so gifts, surprises, compliments become more personal, or something. Be more attentive to him, more sensitive to his interests. And when you see the response, the problem that you are not always “on parade” will not even exist. Together you will slide from the waterfall of love into the ocean of love. No longer like ideal dolls, but like real people, you will communicate, laugh, love and... LIVE, even though the love has passed. And what replaced it was love?!
Eva Raduga - especially for the site Shtuchka.ru!
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What if it’s not mutual?
Photo: unsplash.com
Some experts say that unrequited love causes irreparable harm to the body, while others say that it is even beneficial. It is believed that if the person we like does not reciprocate, of all the “romantic” hormones in the body, only dopamine is produced. Its excess causes stress, sleep disturbance and depression. Also, unrequited feelings can become a catalyst for psychological illnesses that would not normally manifest themselves, so if your condition begins to get out of control, talk to a psychologist about it.
In case of unhappy love, doctors advise not to concentrate on negative feelings, but to distract from them: for example, go in for sports, art, or change the environment.
The choice is ours.
But there is also good news. We can choose a different option for the development of relationships, when after falling in love comes something more that can be called love. To do this, you need to make a choice in favor of reality, sacrificing your illusions, and decide to get to know the other person in the real way, as he is. And then, when we see him without embellishment, with all his weaknesses and shortcomings, revealed to us without masks and protections, then the time for real magic will come. Then we will have a choice - to see the best that is in him and appreciate - to love, or to devalue everything and decide that love is gone. Loving your fictional ideal is simple. But continuing to love a real person, having gotten to know him in different ways and recognizing that you will never know or understand him to the end, is much more interesting.
When will the passion subside?
Passion is a vivid feeling that arises in both men and women. Despite the fact that passion can literally control a person and tie him to his soulmate, it cannot last forever.
Its duration depends on the person himself, his character traits, interests, and personality traits. According to psychologists, passion lasts from several weeks to one year.
Passion without love disappears quickly, this especially often happens when a couple begins to live together. Cohabitation is the best way to get to know your soulmate and not everything will suit you.
