How a married man can break up with his mistress: advice from a psychologist

November 6, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Kristina Degtyareva

Any man who has decided to cheat on his lawful half, meeting his mistress not just once, but several times, understands that it will not be easy to part with the second woman without consequences. In general, it may seem that a man, faced with the shortcomings of his wife, will get what he lacks on the side. A second woman, complementing his wife, in his opinion, solves the problem. However, in fact, the appearance of a mistress always brings additional difficulties into the lives of representatives of the stronger sex. Today we propose to talk about the behavior of a man who wants to break up with his mistress, i.e. how to do it correctly and as painlessly as possible. Let's try to understand the reasons for male infidelity!

Why men cheat

Each representative of the strong half of humanity will have their own arguments for this question. Some of them don’t have enough sex, some want to increase their self-esteem by conquering a huge number of women’s hearts, some want variety, for some, mistresses become a real outlet. The latter is possible if you had to get married because of pregnancy, career prospects or finances.

What else can cause adultery? The following options are possible:

There was no positive example in the family, the parents were always busy, the child did not feel their love, and when he grew up, he began to need adoration and proof of love.
Another reason is male loneliness. This happens when the wife is enlarged by something else, for example, she has set a certain goal for herself and goes towards it without noticing anything in her way, or has taken care of her life and children, forgetting about her husband.
Changing a woman's behavior. When the other half starts to grumble and nag a man, you shouldn’t be surprised that he decides to go to the left
Mismatch of characters, inability to discuss problems.

You can often hear, mainly from mistresses, that men love them incredibly, but stay with their wife only out of pity. Do not delude yourself: married men speak words of love only so that their mistresses will be as friendly as possible to them, allowing them to take what they want.

What to do if your lover doesn’t want to break up?

In the case of a not too long and exclusively sexual relationship without much emotional attachment, voice to the woman all the most eloquent arguments about why she needs another person as a life partner. It would be ideal if you could name specific examples.

Make it clear that you do not have a future together. Shatter your plans for traveling, buying an apartment, having a child, etc.

Say that your financial situation has worsened , which is why you will no longer be able to give your chosen one expensive gifts.

What problems does a man who decides to commit adultery face?

Why do men break up with their mistresses? After all, it may seem that a move to the left can solve all the problems of married life. In fact, experts note, because of betrayal, new difficulties arise and old ones get worse. For example, any mistress who becomes permanent sooner or later wants to make her lover her husband. This means that a man will more than once be faced with the fact that a woman who previously did not claim anything begins to demand a divorce from her wife and a wedding with her. Various manipulations and persuasion can be used, the main of which are references to the words of the man himself: he said that he loves his mistress, lives with his wife out of pity, because of illness or children. It also happens that mistresses strive to notify the wives of their other halves about their presence. What a man carefully hid for a long time, an insidious homewrecker can reveal in one moment. We must not forget about women's hysterics, which will now come not from the wife, but from the mistress.

The reason for this behavior is that the mistress falls in love with a man who, according to him, loves her no less, but he does not have the strength to part with his wife. Out of a desire to become the first and only one in her lover’s life, a woman decides to meet her wife, tell her about the affair and lead her to the decision of divorce.

Another problem that arises for a married man who has an affair is stress due to the risk of being discovered. Such meetings do not bring pleasure, because the cheater can mentally return to the fact that his wife will certainly find out about everything: there are a lot of good people - this is the mistress herself, friends who are well aware of the affair, and maybe even the lawful half herself will see the lovers somewhere on street.

It is obvious that love relationships on the side sooner or later come to their logical conclusion. This can happen on the initiative of the mistress herself, who simply gets tired of being second, waiting for something and constantly hoping. The initiator can be a wife who wants her husband to break up with his mistress, or the man himself, who understands that he needs to break off all relationships on the side, or wants to replace one mistress with another. Is it possible to separate from a woman without consequences that will negatively affect family life? Of course you can! We’ll tell you right now how a married man can break up with his mistress without much loss.

A woman threatens with blackmail: useful tips

Further communication with your mistress after separation may be different, depending on the woman’s character. Some girls turn on the “heavy artillery” and try to keep their lover by blackmailing him into telling his wife everything or by manipulating him with feelings of guilt.

In this situation, you can proceed as follows:

Try to put pressure on your conscience.
Appeal to decency, after giving the “tiger” the opportunity to release her “claws” on you. After waiting a pause, have a tear-jerking conversation about a pathetic and insignificant person who deserved such treatment with his vile behavior.
If your mistress is married, you can use her own weapon - blackmail in return. If the chosen one is not burdened with marriage ties, intimidate her with what she may be afraid of.
React proactively. Tell your wife the whole truth yourself.
Cheat. Show your acting skills and work on two fronts. Tell your mistress that your wife is “aware of everything,” and just in case, inform your wife about the machinations of ill-wishers who have expressed a desire to destroy the marriage.
Find a way to stop being afraid of blackmail. If a person sees that you are not touched by threats, he will understand that the idea is pointless.

Relationship options

When deciding to cheat, not every man thinks about the fact that sooner or later he will have to part with his new passion. It is especially difficult to break off a relationship if it is extremely important for the unfaithful husband that the wife does not find out about the betrayal, because the mistress may categorically disagree with this. How can a married man break up with his mistress? The tactics of behavior depend on what kind of relationship the lovers were in.

conclusions

The topic of relationships on the side is, in principle, complex, because situations and people are very individual. I would like to believe that these tips will help you make decisions in life and not make serious mistakes. But in the end, it all depends on your consciousness and understanding of the girl. The main thing is to be honest with yourself and with your lover
. Multiplying lies has never improved anyone's life, but the truth will always triumph. If you want to learn even more secrets on seducing girls, subscribe to my VKontakte page.

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A man does not love a woman, and she, in turn, is crazy about him

In such a situation, it will be easy for a man to end the relationship, which cannot be said about his mistress. If there was an agreement between the partners that they were in an open relationship, and none of them promised each other anything, declared their love or gave any hope that they might have a future, the separation will be as calm as possible . The man must explain as calmly as possible that the connection is interrupted, he is returning to his wife. Of course, for this you will have to use your entire vocabulary to choose words that will not offend the woman and will allow her to come to terms with the breakup.

How to report correctly?

Before telling your lover about the breakup, you need to understand that, whatever the woman’s fate, she is, first of all, a person with feelings and a heart. And, therefore, it requires a humane and respectful attitude towards oneself.

Parting is always unpleasant, so it is advisable to:

Be as gentle as possible and not speak rudely.
You shouldn’t stoop to the level of mutual insults or ignoring calls and messages.
It is recommended to say: “I do not refuse a single good word I said to you, but this is the best way out today.”
Try to put yourself in the position of a woman. Yes, it’s difficult to understand a woman’s logic, but try to understand: what would she do to avoid offending you by deciding to break up?
To be honest. Remind the girl that you couldn’t have had any serious relationship in the first place.
Use categorical wording, for example, the template “It’s all over between us forever.” It hurts, but it's fair. But you absolutely cannot say: “Let’s remain friends” - there is no need for vain regrets.
Refer solely to yourself. There is no need to blame circumstances, the child or the legal spouse. Say, “I’m sorry, but this is my decision.” “I thought for a long time and realized that I had to live differently.”

There is an emotional attachment between them

Psychologists say: this type of relationship development occurs most often if a man is not ready to constantly have new lovers, and the mistress develops serious feelings for the same partner. She supports him and calms him down, gives him joy and warmth, listens and understands. It will be extremely difficult for them to separate, and it may not happen right away. For several more years, a man and a woman, between whom there was such an emotional connection, will communicate and even date, but only to break off the relationship again.

How can a married man break up with his mistress if there is emotional intimacy between them? He will have to take full responsibility for what he has done. He must admit that it was he who decided to cheat on his wife, could not resist and sincerely became attached to the new woman, which is why she fell in love with him. It was he who won her heart, took advantage of her feelings and body, and now it is he who hurts her by breaking up with her and returning to his lawful wife, about whom he had previously spoken many unflattering words. In general, you will have to confess to all the sins committed against your mistress. At the same time, sympathy and understanding should be shown. Psychologists advise a man to act out the tragedy, repent, realize his mistakes, and let his beloved go so that she has the opportunity to meet a more faithful man.

Of course, there is another option for a married man to break up with his mistress. How to do it? Just disappear from her life. True, this can only be done if she has a minimum of information: she doesn’t know where her lover lives, where he works, she doesn’t know her friends. But if your mistress is well aware of all the addresses, passwords and appearances, it is best to talk to her like a human being so that she does not come to work or home in order to sort things out.

Emotional Lover

It is much more difficult if the mistress feels love or infatuation for her partner, it is likely that subconsciously or even consciously she already imagined herself in the role of a legal wife and believed in a happy future together. Naturally, she will not calmly accept conversations about separation, she will begin to scream, cry, and make trouble.

Here it is important to find an approach, reassure, explain, otherwise you can run into real problems. After all, an offended woman is capable of attacking her beloved with fists in anger, or she can show up to her wife and talk about infidelity. This is definitely not necessary!

Lessons from breaking up

How can a married man break up with his mistress without consequences? This needs to be done wisely. So, if it was a long-term relationship in which she was forced to remain silent about her feelings and play a secondary role, it is recommended to show humanity towards her. The man should say that he understands her feelings, it is best to do something pleasant for her so that she does not get angry and is not eager to take revenge. It is necessary to take the blame for what happened in order to relieve the woman of emotional pressure.

In the event that there was only intimacy between a man and a woman, the relationship did not last long, it is enough to simply inform that the meetings are ending. If the mistress has not developed any emotional attachment, she will react quite adequately to the breakup, but if she managed to fall in love and mentally married a man, a peaceful separation should not be expected. We must be prepared for any scenario.

By the way, speaking about how to properly break up with a mistress for a married man, experts say: first you need to choose her correctly! The mistress should be smart and delicate; even in a state of anger, there is no need to threaten to inform the wife about the affair. Otherwise, you will have to get ahead of this action and talk to your wife yourself.

The man decided to break up with his mistress? Another option that representatives of the stronger half often turn to is a banal conflict with her. Having quarreled, he may declare that she is demanding something impossible from him. It’s even easier to break up with a mistress who is only there for financial support: you just need to stop paying, and she will leave the married man alone.

There are also situations when a man himself falls in love with his new chosen one. Here he will have to make a choice and break off relations with one of the women. Of course, this is incredibly difficult to do, but it is necessary.

When does the need for separation arise?

More often than not, even the most wonderful relationship with your mistress does not lead to the desired result. The need for separation arises for the following reasons:

The unreality and impossibility of a serious relationship.
In most cases, married men return home to their wives. Mistresses acquire legal status only in exceptional cases.
Emerging social and financial problems. For example, a man has lost a high position, “burnt out in business,” etc., and therefore is not able to support a “slave” of love.
The disappearance of the “technical” (sexual) problem. There is a separate category of men who take mistresses for a short time. For example, if the wife is pregnant, she is busy with a small child, or the wife moves to another city for work.
Disappointment in the chosen one for bed pleasures. The longer the relationship, the more the mistress can turn “into a wife” and, as a result, reveal herself as a jealous and capricious person, constantly demanding something.
Guilt. If a man is a good family man, then he may have a feeling of stealing from his wife and children and, as a result, a real depressive state.

How does a man feel when he breaks up with his mistress?

Before we answer this question, let us clarify that we are talking about a long-term relationship in which feelings and affection have already appeared. For any normal person, parting with someone he loves will always be unpleasant, associated with pain and melancholy. What stages does a man go through after breaking off a relationship on the side? He will have to go through many emotional and unpleasant stages. The first of them is denial. A man may simply not believe that he has lost his lover; for some time plans will be made in his head about meetings and dates, gifts, and so on. When a man realizes that the relationship is over, the stage of anger begins. A man's behavior when he breaks up with his mistress is completely unpredictable. The cheater may blame his mistress, get angry at her, and then bring the aggression down on himself. By the way, often the legal spouse also becomes a victim, usually this happens when she is aware of everything that happened. At this stage, a cold war or quite open indignation and nagging on the part of the husband is possible.

The next stage is bargaining. The man either bargains with himself or gets in touch with his mistress, trying to set certain deadlines that will be needed to return his beloved or forget her. After this, depression begins: the man realizes that it is too late to do anything, it is simply impossible to deny what happened. His life includes indifference, apathy and sadness. The final stage is a reboot. The man realizes that all this time he did not live, but simply felt sorry for himself, looking for something unattainable and uncertain. At this moment, the man pulls himself together, begins to make new plans, and feels an unprecedented surge of strength to implement them. It is often at this stage that the relationship between spouses improves noticeably. They develop new interests and hobbies and spend more time together.

Why does suffering arise due to lost love?

Some people, convinced that they have found great love, for some reason suddenly lose it. For many, this turns out to be a serious trauma and turns into a deep mental crisis, which can lead to murder or suicide.

Many people suffer because of lost love. Let's consider how pathological reactions to disappointment in love differ from natural ones? Natural reactions such as loneliness and sadness are well known and most often help a person become more mature. Pathological reactions cause great harm, so you need to learn to avoid them. They arise in those who see in love not just joy, but primarily narcissistic satisfaction. Love only strengthens their narcissism, inflates their self-esteem, promotes self-admiration and self-gratification. All efforts are directed towards this.

The narcissist thinks that everything around him exists to satisfy him. This conviction begins in childhood, when he sees that his mother immediately satisfies all his needs. It begins to seem to him that she and the whole world were created only for him. Subsequently, if the mother overprotects and protects her child, he develops a feeling of omnipotence, on the basis of which narcissism develops. As he grows up, he discovers that he is not omnipotent, but this does not relieve him of the complex, the roots of which are deeply rooted in the unconscious.

To increase self-esteem, the narcissist must resort to external support, which can be called “narcissist feeding.” Love can be the best “feed” for a narcissist. For him, a love relationship means, first of all, satisfaction, so the departure of his partner causes pathological reactions in him. It seems to such a person that with the loss of his beloved he has lost life itself or that there is no point in continuing to live. This deep suffering is not due to the loss of the beloved, but to the cessation of the “feeding” that he provided.

Let's imagine a person who, like a deflated balloon, needs another person of the opposite sex to constantly inflate him. Obviously, if the partner one day refuses to do this, the person becomes devastated and feels as if he is dying. In fact, why he yearns is because of the air that allowed him to feel his own importance. Suddenly he lacks imaginary volume, he feels his insignificance, feels that life has lost its meaning - and then he wants to die. This example epitomizes the narcissist's disappointment in love. He suffers not from the loss of love, but from the loss of the “feeding” to which he is accustomed. This becomes obvious when the lost love object is easily found with a replacement that has an equivalent ability to provide such “feeding”.

Thus, suffering in love is quite relative, since it is not always possible to establish the line between true love and narcissism. You cannot suffer from the loss of something that never really existed, but existed only in the imagination. Suffering is caused by the destruction of a pleasant fantasy and a decrease in self-esteem. The only rational solution is to understand what really happened and look for support within yourself, not outside.

Actions and deeds

After a man breaks up with his lover and puts an end to the relationship, he is subjected to extreme stress. In order for his wife not to find out about the move to the left, he has to restrain his emotions within himself, and this leads to the fact that the level of adrenaline in the body simply goes off scale. A man can go to great lengths. Often, representatives of the stronger sex go on an alcoholic binge, ending in addiction, go to the gym, drive at high speed and find physical activities that they spend days on end doing. Such men are advised to immediately contact a psychotherapist, otherwise the emergence of a new addiction is possible.

Speaking about how a married man can break up with his mistress, how to survive this without much emotional loss, psychologists note that it is recommended to find a new enjoyable activity to fill the void. You can go on a trip, join a reenactors club, and, ultimately, collect models of airplanes or ships.

If the reason is sexual craving and jealousy

One of the reasons may be passionate sex, which in the marital bed has become boring and monotonous.

It is a mistress with rich sexual experience that attracts a man. Having tried all possible positions in bed with a sophisticated lover, the husband becomes like a zombie, he is practically in her power.

And the house is full, and the children are a joy, and the wife is a wonderful housewife, but the desire for passionate and unbridled sex does not give the opportunity to be a good family man. Moreover, a married man turns into a real Othello:

he becomes furious just at the thought that someone other than him can take possession of his passion’s body: the young lady is free and has every right to sleep with whomever she wants;
he tries to keep all his sweetheart’s movements under control, because he understands how attractive she looks to the men around her;
he smothers his mistress with jealousy and scares away possible candidates for her hand and heart, thereby heating up the atmosphere in his relationship with her.

If he had the opportunity, he would imprison his passion in a tower, and he would live well with his family. But there is no such possibility, so only total control can save him.

Can such a person just leave the object of desire alone? Undoubtedly, if she unexpectedly pacifies her temperament, she will stop taking such careful care of herself and begin to complain of a headache. In this case, he will no longer be attracted to her, since he faces such problems at home. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

What should a wife do?

Just a few years ago, a young lady who had her eye on her husband could have his eyes clawed out and his hair pulled out by his legal wife. But is it possible to solve this issue in a more civilized way? How to convince a man to break up with his mistress? Experts in the field of family relationships are convinced: you should not throw hysterics and try to put pressure on conscience or pity. It is best to take care of your health and appearance. Entertainment will help get rid of a bad mood: a wife can sign up for a swimming pool or dancing, go to karaoke, and flirting with members of the opposite sex is not at all prohibited.

When talking about how to eliminate a competitor from your life's path, many psychologists recommend just waiting and pretending that nothing is happening. You must understand that a man will only have a short honeymoon with his mistress, after which he will be forced to shoulder the burden of her problems, which, of course, he does not need at all, because he has enough problems and responsibilities in the family.

There are other psychological tricks: for example, a wife can use the perfume that a man associates with the happy stages of life together, book a table in the restaurant where he proposed, go on a long journey, smile as often as possible, try to rekindle the fire of feelings and try sincerely forgive a man for having an affair on the side.

Care in English

Sometimes a married lover decides to leave quickly and without heartbreaking conversations, simply stopping meetings and phone calls. If it is possible not to meet your ex-lover even by chance, that is, your life paths do not intersect, then this may be a good choice, especially if the romance was based solely on sex.

Often this is a really simple way to end a hateful romance without an ugly showdown, according to the “out of sight, out of mind” principle.

True, an emotional woman is unlikely to calmly accept when her lover suddenly disappears from her life, and wants to clarify all the details.

How long can a husband have a mistress?

As a rule, men continue to have affairs on the side until:

he will not grow old;
the children will not grow up, and the wife will stop tolerating the spree and will throw him out the door;
the spouse will not learn to provide for herself and will not divorce;
the wife will not find a lover and will not go to him;
There will not be a homewrecker who will surpass his legal wife, so that a man will decide to legitimize his relationship with her.

Men are naturally designed in such a way that they do not want to lose their woman under any circumstances . Even if this is fraught with loss of reputation and financial well-being. This happens because the instinct of procreation is much stronger than the instinct of self-preservation. Therefore, having a long-term relationship with two young ladies at once, the husband ceases to behave like a man, but becomes simply a male who does not obey the voice of reason.

From this we can draw a simple conclusion: there is no point in waiting for a married man to voluntarily abandon a woman who herself does not want to abandon him.

Indeed, why should a homewrecker refuse a person who helps her financially, arranges hot passionate nights, helps her climb the career ladder, solves her material, domestic and everyday problems, increases her self-esteem by being with her, pays for rented housing, etc. d.?