If you are in love with a married man, then you are likely experiencing many conflicting emotions. Sometimes you just can't help but feel blissfully happy because you've fallen in love. But then you snap back to reality and remember that he is married, and that this is a very, very difficult situation. None of us dreams of being in a similar position, but we live a life in which we are not insured against anything. Psychologist Olga Romaniv will tell you what future awaits you in this relationship.
Can you trust him?
If a man in a monogamous marriage has an affair, he will inevitably lie, so you already know that he is capable of deception. Did this lie apply to you? Did you know he was married when you first met him or did he lie to you about it? The fact that he is lying to his wife is a red flag, but if he was trying to turn a blind eye to you as well, you have to admit that he is definitely unreliable.
If he ever leaves his wife for you, you have no guarantee that he won't do the same thing in a few years, only with you.
Out of sight, out of mind
Folk wisdom may work literally for some people. But in most cases, breaking up does not mean falling out of love. It is impossible to forbid yourself to love; emotions do not turn off with a click. Don’t scold yourself if at some point you give in and agree to see each other again to clarify the relationship. Just start again.
Whether you cut off in one fell swoop or gradually reduce communication to nothing, it will hurt in any case, be prepared for it. At first you will feel pain every second, in a week - every minute, in a month - every hour, and time will pass when you are surprised to discover that for several days you have not even remembered this man.
You may not be the first
If he seems to have no real intention of leaving his wife for you, you may not be his first "lover."
As sad as it is, you may not even be the only one, although that would require some serious organizational skills on his part. After all, it’s quite difficult to fit three women into a week. No matter how special he makes you feel, you will never know if you are truly alone or standing in a long line.
Do what's right for you
There is no universal recipe for how to stop loving a married man. It is unlikely to predict in advance what will help you recover from a destructive relationship. Really, do whatever you want - if it helps. Don’t look back at “what will people think”, forgive yourself for this past - yes, you fell in love with an unfree person. And this love brought a lot of suffering. So now you are determined to say goodbye to the past and make way for new relationships that have a future. And you can do it!
You don't have to sit back and wait
Think about your relationship with this man. Stay at home in case he writes that he managed to escape his wife. Waiting for him when he's late for dates because he can't find a reason to leave.
You are wasting time waiting for him to call, when you could live with a man and have the “legitimate” right to be outraged when he ignores calls and messages for a long time.
Lead an active life
Take some free time so that there is simply no time left for sad thoughts. Don’t sit at home in your “shell” (at least not for long), look for opportunities to leave the house more often. If it's appropriate for your situation, ask your friends for help. This method is good both as an ambulance - arriving with a bottle of wine at 2 am - and in the long term. Who else, if not your friends, will do what is given to you with great difficulty - organize time together, and will not let you become limp. New places, experiences, new acquaintances are great distractions. Feel a new taste for life. Decide for yourself where and how to spend your time, without adjusting to a man.
Accept the fact that, most likely, he will not leave his wife
Very few men actually leave their wives for their mistresses, and chances are you're not the exception that proves the rule. Divorce is a very big deal, and there are a lot of things that make him be in a marriage, no matter how unhappy he is in it. Don't believe his words, because only his actions are important here.
Contact a psychologist
Sometimes, accumulated emotions cause severe mental pain, and it becomes impossible to understand your feelings. A competent psychologist will help you cope with this situation. It happens that a woman does not seek help because of a feeling of shame or fear of judgment from a specialist. In fact, a good psychologist does not make value judgments, but only helps you understand yourself. For some, one session is enough, for others it will take a couple of months - everything is very individual - but after some time, life will again play with all its colors for you.
Your possible future with a married man
Perhaps you just enjoy the thrill. This may be hard to admit to yourself, but this is a risky relationship and it can be quite sexually attractive for both of you.
You have to admit that maybe some part of you enjoys the idea of having an affair. And that's definitely true on his part. This story may not be about you at all, but if it really is, remember that if he leaves his wife, all this risk will disappear. Your relationship will likely change beyond recognition, and you will have to deal with problems related to his dealing with the divorce, his family habits, and so on.
You will suddenly begin to live everyday life together rather than just catching moments of passion. There is a high probability that, having changed the direction of the relationship, you will come to different conclusions regarding interaction with this man.
Based on the above, you must make your own decision: continue dating a married man or let him go to his wife and build your family with a single man.
Triangle
“I love a married man” are not just words. If there have already been secret meetings, secret calls and correspondence, then this is a conscious choice. Especially if the story lasts more than one year.
When you fall in love with a married man, know that the whole range of feelings can await you, the man, and his wife. This is resentment, anger, sadness, fear, disgust.
You are sliding into the so-called Karpman triangle. Where the victim, rescuer, and pursuer are tightly tied and sometimes change places. Well, what an idea to live in a triangle. But it's up to you. Hopes, fantasies, illusions that your beloved will one day leave the family and be with you are companions for the long term.
“Everyone has beautiful photos from the wedding, and I will too,” you think. While meetings are forbidden, fleeting, and associated with risk, you want them. And then even the scheduled risk ceases to invigorate and threatens emotional distress.
What is not enough in such relationships? Love is enough, but responsibility is a problem. There is no responsibility - and there is no need to quarrel or sort things out. You knew what you were getting into from the very beginning. For relationships to become stronger and established, crises must be overcome. And crises, in turn, imply a showdown, including through “quarrel”. And it turns out that it turns out badly. The relationship is unstable.
What does such a relationship give a married man? With a minimum of responsibility, there is practically “sex without boundaries,” which is sometimes difficult to obtain in a family with all its conventions and rules. Adoration on the part of the passion, especially at first. He is welcome by definition. That he paid attention, came, smiled. Even once every two weeks. Always Glade.
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And this once again confirms its importance, not bad. In general, all these activities work for the self-esteem of a married man. And this enchanting state of confidence, if you have difficulty with internal supports and are used to looking for them outside, is addictive.
How to determine the seriousness of intentions
The situation becomes especially complicated when a married man falls in love with a married woman, and here one of the main signs of real feeling can be his self-control. He realizes the complexity of the love quadrangle and is in no hurry to demonstrate his intentions, temporarily moving away from the woman so as not to destroy her and his destiny with rash actions. A man in love will move closer only when he realizes that he cannot overcome the attraction.
Our observations will help you understand how a married man treats you - whether he loves you or just wants to have fun:
- He forbids contacting him through social networks or by telephone, explaining this by his wife’s jealousy and conflicts in the family.
- Does not allow you to introduce friends, acquaintances, or relatives to your relationship.
- Doesn't introduce you to his family and friends.
- You celebrate the holidays alone or in the company of friends, because he stays with his family on these days.
- He is not shy about demonstrating his negative qualities in your presence: laziness, jealousy, anger, irritation, sloppiness. Does he want to please you?
- He easily promises that he will get a divorce, but for a long time he does not do this.
- He is greedy for intimacy and believes that any problem in your relationship can be solved with the help of gifts.
- You do not discuss your future together, do not make any plans. This means that he is not ready to change anything in his life.
If a man often tells his mistress about his wife’s inappropriate behavior and speaks disparagingly, she should understand that when she takes the place of her wife, she will be treated the same.
Who benefits from this relationship?
There are no winners in a love triangle. Sometimes you want to hang a sign on a married man: “Don’t get involved, he’ll kill you,” so that fewer girls suffer because of toxic relationships.
Why does a man look for an affair on the side?
- He gets new impressions and sensations.
- He wants to prove to someone (himself, friends) that he’s still cool! In some circles, having a young mistress is considered an essential element of high status.
- It asserts itself and increases self-esteem: that’s how great I am, my mistress is a supermodel, twenty years younger than me.
- Experiences an acute lack of female resources in the family. His wife is always busy, refuses sex, has stopped paying attention to him... He will look for these qualities in his mistress.
- He believes that nature itself created men to be polygamous. Who was he to oppose her? Simply put, he is a womanizer. By vocation.
Such men are considered scoundrels without moral principles. In fact, 9 out of 10 married men realize that their actions are betraying their wife.
To drown out a persistent conscience, husbands try to atone for guilt: they give flowers, gifts, and fulfill the whims of their spouses. In this case, the mistress, without meaning to, strengthens the marriage.
What does the mistress get?
The mistress is not always a deceived virgin who believes in pure love and that right tomorrow a man will divorce his wife and rush to her with a ring in his teeth. Some women are clearly aware of the benefits of their position.
- At first, such a man is like a gift in a chic wrapper, and you just want to open it. And no one has canceled the forbidden fruit.
- The woman is satisfied with an open relationship. She’s not in a hurry to get to the altar, but she doesn’t really want to live alone either. And here is a man with similar views on life.
- A lover (wealthy, of course) can significantly improve the lady’s financial situation.
- Sometimes a woman is content with what she has. Her self-esteem is so low that she believes that there are not enough good men for everyone. And here he is successful, handsome, generous. Well, married, so what?
The mistress does not need to take care of the man (wash, clean, cook), these functions are performed by the wife
There are two categories of lovers:
- Confident in their own exclusivity. They believe that a little more - and he will throw the whole world at his feet. And yes, of course the man will soon get divorced.
- They are content with little. They are afraid of loneliness, so they are ready to take second and third roles.
Representatives of both categories are mistaken. A woman deserves happiness. But not every man can give it. Every lover will get burned, make her own mistakes, and shed a lot of tears.
Why does a man need a mistress?
Some women are seriously mistaken, believing that if a man has a mistress, then he is definitely in love with her and is planning a new relationship and marriage. Of course, this option is not excluded, but statistics show that most often men have affairs on the side not at all because of ardent love, but for more banal and not so pleasant reasons for a woman. Most representatives of the stronger sex find lovers for:
- New sensations. Living together for a long time in marriage entails addiction and monotony; a man wants novelty and he looks for it on the side.
- Sexual diversity. Quite often, sex between spouses who have been married for a long time becomes mechanical, not giving vivid emotions and impressions, so a man may try to get zest and piquant spice from his mistress.
- Attention. If the wife does not give the man enough warmth and affection, he may go to another woman for compensation.
- Self-affirmation. For this reason, men 40-50 years old often have affairs with young girls. A relationship with a young mistress pleases a man’s vanity.
Men are also attracted to relationships without obligations, in which partners do not bear any responsibility to each other. And for a free woman entering into a relationship with an unfree man, it is important to know and understand these reasons and look at reality soberly: almost always a married partner sees his mistress as a means of entertainment and extremely rarely actually seeks a new serious relationship.
