How to part with a loved one without pain and resentment: advice from psychologists

01/07/2025 minutes read 39

In every, even the most loving couple, conflicts, disagreements, and quarrels can occur. Throughout life, people change, their views, values, interests change; Accordingly, misunderstandings, everyday troubles and other minor or major showdowns are quite normal in every family or just a couple in love. No matter how happy the partners may seem from the outside, they have all gone through or are currently going through various difficulties.

Unfortunately, even the strongest love may not be able to withstand life's difficulties, troubles, and everyday problems. But in schools and universities there is no such subject where they teach to value relationships, how to build them correctly, and not every person had a corresponding example in the family. That is why even people who love each other make a huge number of mistakes when creating a family, and, even more so, in the event of its breakup.

According to EMISS data, 73% of marriages in Russia broke up in 2022

Signs that a relationship has outlived its usefulness and it’s time to leave

No matter how painful it may be, there are clear and serious signs that the relationship has outlived its usefulness and needs to be put to rest. You can try to restore or maintain the relationship, but in most cases, if any of the following are present, then it is most likely not viable, and it is better to leave as soon as possible. Resumption is sometimes possible, but only after both partners have worked through their problems and started from scratch, truly from scratch.

Treason.
The most common reason why couples separate. Not every person can forgive or come to terms with the betrayal of a loved one. This is perceived as betrayal, deception, and for many even a blow. Nevertheless, there are families in which, despite affairs and trips to the left, the deceived partner tries to close his eyes and save the family, for the sake of the children or out of fear of loneliness, thereby making a huge mistake.
There are other cases when love is so strong that the injured party has the courage and strength to forget, accept and forgive their couple. It is important to understand here that if you decide to forgive the cheater, then you will have to forget about what happened once and for all, never reminding or remembering it, much less reproaching it.
Violence
of any nature, be it emotional or physical.
Beatings, threats, insults, humiliation and any similar bullying are unacceptable in any relationship and under any circumstances. Such ties must be broken the sooner the better. Explanations are unnecessary here.
Bad habits and addictions.
A harmful addiction to alcohol, drugs or other problems in one of the partners, and most importantly, an absolute unwillingness to deal with them, is a very alarming “bell” for separation.
Mistrust.
An important element of a healthy relationship is trust, the ability to rely on each other, to “pour out your soul,” to know and be confident in devotion. Therefore, if it is destroyed, then the basis, the foundation of a happy future together is lost.
Did not get along.
A fairly common phrase and reason, but no less popular compared to treason. Different habits, lifestyles, interests, cultural values, worldviews, goals and aspirations. This list can be continued endlessly.
The main message is that if constant and serious disputes arise between two loving hearts about life and values, if everyone categorically disagrees with the life postulates of their partner and does not want/can compromise, then most likely such a couple will have to separate. This also includes divergence or contradiction of interests and hobbies, that is, it is unlikely that a union where the husband loves hunting and the wife is an ardent defender of animals will be strong. Or the husband doesn’t see anything wrong with “raising” children with a belt, and the wife can’t imagine how you can beat your own child.
Love has faded.
Even the strongest passion, alas, can disappear without a trace, feelings can cool. A person cannot control his heart, he has no power over his emotions, so if this happens and there is no more love for the partner, no craving, no desire, then in this case it is also better to break up. This also includes a story about one-sided love, when in a couple one loves, and the other accepts this love and uses it without experiencing reciprocity, but only cold calculation. Such relationships are also doomed.
Endless conflicts.
Quarrels and misunderstandings are present in any relationship, but if their frequency and negative nature begin to go off scale in terms of frequency and regularity, then you should seriously think about whether it is worth continuing this relationship.
Feelings of distance from each other, disunity.
The appearance of this feeling is very unpleasant in itself. Reluctance to share your emotions, secrets or successes with your partner, lack of common topics of conversation, common ideas. An emotional rift between lovers can also lead to separation. This often happens when one of the partners develops intellectually and financially, while the other remains at the same level.

There can be a lot of reasons and prerequisites for separation; only the most popular ones are listed.

If you notice similar situations in yourself, you should not immediately file for divorce (with the exception of violence, of course), sometimes the situation can be corrected, as mentioned above - it is possible, but you need to work on yourself and not just one person, but both of them. couple Therefore, before breaking the connection, you need to “weigh” everything and think it over.

First of all, listen to yourself. Determine how comfortable and calm you are in this relationship, whether you trust your partner, how open and real you can be with him. Assess the strength of your feelings and affection; perhaps you should take a break, during which you can accurately decide whether you want to save the relationship.
Have an open and honest conversation with your lover. Don't try to pretend that everything is fine and as usual. Explain your feelings, dissatisfaction, misunderstandings, try to find a compromise. Find out the cause of the problem and try to solve it together.
Contact a professional psychologist who will help identify problems and causes of conflicts in your family, suggest tools for better understanding and communication with each other, and, quite possibly, help your couple reunite or avoid separation.
Remember how it all began, try to restore the emotional closeness that was between you at the beginning of the relationship.
Forgive each other, get rid of old grievances.

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Why do people who love each other break up?

Sometimes there are no obvious disagreements or visible problems in a couple, and people seem to love each other, but still break up. Let's look at the main reasons for this:

Youth. The younger the couple, the brighter the relationship, but the less serious the reason for separation may be. In our youth, we still do not know how to come to compromises, and any “bump” on the road seems like a huge mountain due to little life experience. Most often, young couples break up not because of a lack of feelings for each other, but because of contradictions that, in their young opinion, are insoluble.
Family influence. This reason is most common in patriarchal societies. There, lovers may not be allowed to get married at all if older family members are against it.
Distance. Sometimes, due to various circumstances, a family cannot live together. Work, study, illness of relatives - these are the reasons that can separate loving people thousands of kilometers away. from each other. In such conditions, not everyone can maintain a strong connection.

Unfortunately, sometimes feelings alone are not enough to save a family, and people who love each other are forced to separate.

How to prepare for a breakup?

If you have used all the advice, exhausted all your strength, but the desire to break off the relationship has not gone away, but only intensified, then you should gather your thoughts and prepare for separation.

There are several important points:

First of all, make your final decision, think it over, say it out loud, weigh the pros and cons again, and agree with it. Don’t leave loopholes in your head called: “maybe we’ll get back together?”, or “maybe he/she will get scared, change and we’ll be together again?” Never try to put an end to a relationship if you are not completely sure that you will not get back together.
Understand and accept the fact that the person with whom you decide to break up will be hurt and unpleasant, and so will you. That is why be prepared for various emotions, be it tears, screams or pleas for forgiveness. Separation is a difficult process for both partners.
Identify everyday nuances. For example, if you live together, then find another place to live, or warn your parents that you will be moving for a while. If the apartment is yours, you will have to wait until your partner finds another place to live. The same applies to common property, raising common children, etc. Think through all the important moments of life in advance.
Right time. Of course, there is simply no ideal time for separation, but, nevertheless, you should not start talking about divorce when your partner already has a serious crisis in life, for example, the death of a relative, illness or loss of a job. It would be advisable to delay the decision a little so as not to cause further injury.
You should not notify about separation via social networks, SMS, or email. At a minimum, this is low and disrespectful towards the person with whom you had a good time and with whom you have a common past. You should talk in person, face to face. The exception will be a conversation that may pose a threat to your safety.
The right place. Your conversation may drag on, moreover, its outcome and completion is very unpredictable, so choose a secluded, calm place. It is better not to arrange a “scene at the fountain” in the most crowded places.

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Dot the i's

In order not to harbor false illusions, when breaking up, it is important to talk frankly to avoid understatement. It is necessary to express to each other everything that has accumulated and is sore. This way, on a subconscious level, it will be easier to accept the breakup. When choosing words to break up with a guy, you shouldn’t leave ellipses. This way you can give your partner hope to live by. This is dangerous for the state of mind, because people tend to believe in what they would like. It is better to let go of the past, clearly and clearly convey a balanced and final decision about the need to separate. There is no need to be cunning, offer to meet and discuss the situation over a cup of coffee, or brush off your partner with phrases such as “let’s talk about this later.” It’s better to say “goodbye” right away and keep meetings as short as possible, because former lovers communicate extremely rarely, only when necessary.

How to report a breakup: the main rules for breaking up a relationship

Parting is a small death, it is a difficult psychological process for both partners, accompanied by suffering, depression, and resentment. The initiator of the breakup has a much more difficult time; it is he who will have to weigh everything, think it over, make a decision and voice it. It is especially difficult to break off a long-term relationship in which you have invested so much effort, feelings and time.

The emotions are so overwhelming that it is impossible to adequately assess the situation. There are times when you need to immediately end a connection, for example, a connection with an abuser or an addict, but in reality even this is very difficult, let alone breaking up with a person who loves you, but you don’t. Therefore, let’s look at the main rules of separation.

Honesty.
Often the desire to break up comes as a shock to a partner, so it is necessary to explain yourself as honestly and sincerely as possible, while maintaining restraint of thought and clarity in your intentions. Also, do not delay and go into detail about the reasons for the breakup; try to formulate everything briefly and clearly.
Stick to your decision.
This means that when talking to your ex-lover, maintain a dialogue, discuss sensitive topics and answer questions, but do not give the slightest hint of a second chance. You have made a decision and be true to it.
Refrain from insults and accusations.
You need to inform about the breakup, without going into details, who is bad and who is good, you should not humiliate or criticize. Talk only about yourself and your feelings. Show respect for the person with whom you shared not only a bad, but also a good past. Time will pass, passions will subside, you will calm down and become ashamed of your behavior, so maintain your dignity and behave with restraint.
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Be prepared that the reaction may be ambiguous and unexpected.
It is unlikely that it will turn out exactly what it will be, but most likely it will be negative, perhaps there will be tears or a scandal, reproaches, pressure for pity. Despite this, under no circumstances allow yourself to be manipulated, do not give in to sobs or threats.
Maintaining distance. Keep a reasonable distance.
It takes some time and distance to get through this situation. Even if you were the initiator of the breakup and no longer hold grudges or grievances, you still shouldn’t get close and try to become friends with someone with whom you had a romantic, loving relationship, at least for the first time.
Don't dwell on this event.
Continue to live a full, rich life, resume interesting activities, communicate with new people, meet new people and do not dwell on past mistakes. Sports, travel, good music, cinema. Nowadays, there are enough interesting places and hobbies that will help you change your surroundings and gain new strength.
No “spying” on your ex-lover.
This primarily applies to social networks. You should not monitor pages, photos, number of subscriptions, unsubscribes, likes, etc. This control takes a huge amount of your energy and strength. Don’t look for hidden meaning in posts or confirmation that your ex is feeling very bad and sad now without you. There is no need to waste your precious time on empty worries and comparisons. Just imagine how funny and pathetic a person looks when he spies on someone else’s life.
Don't throw mud at them.
You chose this person, lived with him for some time of your own free will.
You had happy moments, days, maybe even years. That is why you should not discuss, condemn, or devalue your choice
in conversations with friends, relatives or colleagues. First of all, it humiliates you.
Don't prove anything to anyone.
There is no need to live out of spite, trying to show your ex-passion how wonderful you are now. The “good life” game will sooner or later be exposed. In any case, it is funny and pathetic, moreover, it is very noticeable, it betrays low self-esteem, pain and despair. Don’t live for show, don’t prove anything to anyone. Minimize all meetings, collisions, contacts and communication. Delete phone numbers, unfollow on social networks, remove photos, objects reminiscent of past relationships, erase and throw away everything related to them.
Don't start new relationships.
This does not mean that you need to accept celibacy, it means that you should not fall into the maelstrom of a new romance the day after breaking up. It may be possible to lose yourself in other arms, but not for long. You will constantly compare with your ex, and the comparisons will be in his (her) favor; this can hurt an innocent person. Therefore, it is worth living through and surviving a difficult period, restoring the emotional background, and only then opening new horizons of love.

How to cope with stress after a breakup?

Stress after a breakup is inevitable. It is very rare to find people who managed to avoid negative emotions and consequences of separation. Nevertheless, you need to understand that any experience, even the most unsuccessful one, is also an experience, it’s all your life. No matter how much you were offended or betrayed, there is now no need to equate all men and women with the same brush, do not consider that the entire human race is selfish traitors. Open your heart to this world, it is full of wonderful and kind people who are also in search of their soul mate.

First, realize that you are not the first and you are not the last, no matter how cynical it may sound. People meet, people fall in love, and people break up too. You are not alone in your disappointment and sadness, it can be empowering and will ward off feelings of worthlessness and loneliness.

Then, when it gets a little easier, analyze your relationship and its final point:

How it all began? Perhaps it was clear from the very beginning that you were not on the same path, but you decided to give the relationship a “chance”?
How did it all develop? Was everything really rosy, or did the chosen one begin to show his true colors quite early, and you did not want to notice the alarm bells? Or maybe it was you who couldn’t accept love and constantly demanded proof, increasingly undermining your connection?
How did it end? Were you able to save face and give up your dignity? Did you break up/get back together for a long time, exhausting each other’s nerves?

This analysis is important for your future relationships; by finding your weak points and working on them, you will not only get rid of stress by directing the energy of grief to creation, but also lay the foundation for a new, healthier and longer relationship.

When you can think beyond your relationship and get back to reality a little, be sure to do something interesting: a new hobby, sports, walks, theaters and museums. Everything possible to enrich and improve your life. Now you have a lot of free time, and besides, this is a great way to make new acquaintances, and, possibly, new friends and new love.

Out of sight…

You should not look for meetings with your former loved one by changing your usual routes or visiting those establishments where he usually relaxes. You need to do the opposite: completely avoid communication with him and try to erase him from your life. But you shouldn’t isolate yourself either. It is important to realize that this person is a passed stage, now it is time to move towards a wonderful future. You need to enjoy every day, find new hobbies and discover unknown facets of everyday life. Then the understanding of how to break up with a guy will come naturally.

Advice from a psychologist on how to break up painlessly

These tips will help you cope with stress:

Don't blame yourself if you get hurt. Even if you were the initiator of the breakup, this does not mean at all that you cannot be sad and melancholy. It takes time to recover.
Spend some time alone with yourself, don’t hold back your emotions, it’s better to cry and scream now than it will hit you in six months.
Don’t pretend to be a superhero, turn to your loved ones for help if necessary. Emotional support during this period is very important.
Make new acquaintances, communicate, flirt, but avoid extremes, do not try to drag the first person you meet to the registry office, do not set any conditions or demands. Just get acquainted and rejoice, enjoy this communication, without making any guarantees, and do not try to speed things up. Let everything take its course, go with the flow and relax. True love is yet to come.
Don't wait for your ex to come back. Under no circumstances should you flatter yourself with the hope that everything can be returned. This is draining and takes up a huge amount of your energy.
Fill your life with bright colors, take up a new sport, learn to cook something unusual, or change your job or activity. Take advantage of every opportunity.

A psychologist can provide you with tremendous support. After a breakup, any person is very vulnerable and vulnerable, it is difficult for him to trust and open up to new people. Fear of loneliness, disappointment, resentment and grief gnaw at the heart and soul. A specialist will help you work through this situation, explain your fears and pain, calm down and believe in love again. He will give advice on how to let go of emotions and experiences and help “pull out the thorn” from a wounded soul. You look at yourself from the outside, realize your mistakes and take this experience into account. And most importantly, you will again believe that every person in the world deserves happiness, including you!

The information presented in this material is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional advice from a physician. If you are in the midst of a difficult separation from your partner, consult a specialist!

Author: Anna Zabrovskaya

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Personality disorder treatment

Important points and mistakes of partners

Of course, crazy passion or complete dissolution in another person for a long time remains the standard of a relationship, a precious memory. You, willingly or unwillingly, compare subsequent episodes with this one, let it remain a pleasant souvenir in your memory. There is no need to expect repetition or to build new life scenery around this dominant.

To behave correctly when breaking up means to think about the feelings and consequences for your partner, because it turns out that you “abandoned” him or suggested ending the relationship. You will act nobly and correctly if you forget about yourself and your worries for a while and pay maximum attention to your partner. He must feel that this is not your whim, the circumstances are stronger.

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