Caring too much: what is overprotection

Caring for a baby is a natural state for loving parents. However, when the mother does not allow a teenage child to take a step without her control or the father imposes his own rules, the situation is unlikely to seem normal. Child-parent relationships, which experts call overprotection, harm, first of all, the child. But they also have negative consequences for adults. To avoid this, you need to understand what parental overprotection means, who is more likely to be exposed to it, and how it can be dangerous for the family.

What is hyperprotection

Hyperprotection is a relationship between parents and children, which is characterized by increased attention, excessive care, and total control of the child’s actions. This behavior occurs in parents because they are afraid for their children, regard many things as a threat to their lives, and therefore limit their freedom of action.

Such upbringing does not lead to anything good: a child, protected from many phenomena, cannot accumulate the life experience necessary for adulthood, and also does not know how to establish social contacts and make informed choices.

Most often, children who have diseases of various types and are the only children in the family are subject to overprotection.

Actively manage your child’s learning and monitor his interests

The book by psychologist-educator Lyudmila Petranovskaya “Secret Support” describes an experiment. The psychologist left the parent and preschool child alone in a room where there was a lot of interesting things - toys, manuals. Each pair's activities were videotaped, resulting in four groups of parents.

The first group of parents forbade their children to get up, walk around the room and touch other people's things.

In the second group, the parents themselves brought the child to toys, aids, and offered them games or activities.

Parents from the third group sat and silently watched as the children explored their surroundings.

In the last group, the parents themselves enthusiastically played, examined, studied things and did not involve the child in this process in any way.

Psychologists observed the children for some time after this experiment, and it turned out that children with parents from the fourth and third groups (parents who do not pay active attention to the child) develop best, and worse - with parents from the first and second. Moreover, in the first group the results were even slightly better than in the second, because while sitting the child can at least look at what he wants.

Reason for overprotection

The birth of a child forces parents to plan what skills, knowledge and values ​​must be passed on to their child. But often ideal ideas do not coincide with the reality and interests of the student himself. Parents violate the child’s personal boundaries and overdo it with upbringing, not taking into account that each individual has their own choice and responsibility for their actions.

This usually happens due to psychological problems and parental complexes. Low self-esteem, anxiety, fears, a tendency towards perfectionism, unfulfillment in life, failure and guilt - all this is the main reason that contributes to the emergence of overprotection.

Features of manifestation

Excessive care and control over a child can manifest itself in different ways. In psychology, according to the characteristics of its manifestation, overprotection is divided into two opposing groups: indulgence and dominance.

Pandering Overprotection

Parents make the child the idol of the family, trying to satisfy all his whims, needs and desires. It is customary to save him from any possible troubles, to solve even minor problems, including making any choice for the child.

Such overprotection in family upbringing leads to the formation of inflated self-esteem, pride, the need to attract all attention to oneself and other hysterical character traits. In adulthood, the child is so dependent on the attention of others that he is even ready to attempt suicide in order to achieve his goal.

Dominant overprotection

The family adheres to an authoritarian parenting style. The child must follow many established rules of behavior and prohibitions. He should not question the parent’s words and resist following orders. The child is punished for any mistake. His parents do not consider him as an individual: they do not recognize his abilities, underestimate them, do not praise him for his successes, but they criticize him for every little thing and express their dissatisfaction. Parents maintain such total control, explaining it: “The safety of the child is most valuable.”

Protect your child from any shocks, constantly regret

At an early age, at one and a half to three years, the child tries to be independent: he tries to open the door, insert the key into the lock, get out an interesting thing. When things don’t work out, she sometimes cries and becomes hysterical. In this case, the parents’ overprotectiveness manifests itself in the fact that they do the work instead of him so that the hysteria stops: they take out a toy from the shelf, assemble a complex construction set. Some parents begin to act proactively, and then the child grows up calm, joyful and without hysterics. An illusion of well-being arises.

Parents protect in different ways:

• They do not talk about sad or sorrowful events, so as not to traumatize the psyche. So parents can hide from their child for months or years that their beloved grandfather has died.
• They protect you from household chores and responsibilities: “He still has time to wash the dishes.” Apparently, they are afraid that the child will get tired of this task and in the future will not want to do anything around the house. Or, on the contrary, he will get attached to this business and become a cleaner.
• They do not allow the child to fall, make mistakes, or get bad grades at school. These are parents who are always at arm's length from the baby and manage to catch him before he falls; who will bring the child’s homework to perfection in order to avoid criticism and bad grades.

Symptoms

There are a number of symptoms by which experts identify overprotection:

• bans on many types of activities that are aimed at preventing negative consequences;
• inability to trust your child and believe in his abilities;
• control of all children's interests and social circle;
• indifference to the child’s opinion;
• lack of patience with the child’s actions (it’s easier to do it yourself).

Diagnostics

Parents themselves are not bothered by overprotection, and a child until adolescence cannot objectively assess and understand that the model of his upbringing is filled with excessive care and control. Therefore, only specialists can assume and diagnose parental overprotection during the study of the emotional and personal sphere.

The following methods are used for this:

• Conversation. The psychologist talks with the parents, finds out the peculiarities of upbringing, asks about their concerns, complaints, and clarifies information about the diseases and characteristics of the child. The current picture helps determine the presence or absence of hypercontrol.
• Observation. A child under parental overprotection often has certain behavioral characteristics: stiffness, anxiety, obsessive movements of limbs, eyes or lips, reticence, avoidance of eye contact with adults.
• “Family Drawing” technique. Its use reveals overprotection if the child draws the dominant parent first, in the center and in a large size. He depicts himself somewhere nearby, but very small.
• Tests with interpretations. In such methods, the child deciphers the proposed pictures as a situation in his family, where dominance, guardianship and constant control prevail.
• Questionnaires. This is a method for parents, the results of which help to draw conclusions about the type of upbringing, parental attitudes and the degree of their distortion.

Awareness

It's a warm summer evening in a small southern town.
I am running. There are several cozy benches around in the cool shade of green foliage. Next to me is an acquaintance with whom I need to discuss matters. But I'm running. With arms outstretched forward, eyes wide and imagining the terrible pictures of falling from a height, I rush towards my daughter, who has just climbed up a very ordinary slide. I shout: “Don’t fall!”

And only then do I notice the puzzled looks of the grandfathers playing backgammon nearby. It is at such moments that you realize that you are doing something wrong in parenting. Everything suddenly fits into a single puzzle: fulfilling any requests of the daughter, even before she wants to ask for something, protecting her from any challenges, decisions, choices, risks and dangers. So, one summer evening I realized that my main problem in fatherhood was overprotection.

Correction of overprotection

Correction of overprotection should include measures to interact with both parents and children. It is carried out using the following methods:

• Consulting parents. The specialist introduces parents to different types of upbringing and talks about their impact on the development of the child’s personality. During such conversations, adults must understand the existing problem, determine the reasons for its occurrence and the harm that overprotection brings to the child.
• Cognitive behavioral psychotherapy. In individual sessions with parents, behavioral errors and the reasons that cause them are discussed, positive and productive behavioral situations are projected that will help maintain confidence, calm and independence. After completing CBT sessions, parents' fears, anxiety and uncertainty should subside.
• Family psychotherapy sessions. They provide training on communication, cooperation and mutual understanding. The goal is to get out of interaction within the framework of the previous model of education. Parents and children complete homework and report to the psychologist about the results.

Prevention

To prevent the occurrence of overprotection, parents need to critically assess their psychological state: monitor their fears and anxieties, avoid transferring their complexes and problems from childhood to their child.

Moms and dads should be well aware of the features of child development, in particular, what the zone of proximal development is. On its basis, you can build productive relationships and allow the child to master the necessary social and everyday skills, as well as delegate more and more responsibilities to him, reducing the degree of his participation.

What does parental overprotection lead to?

Parental overprotection does not lead to anything good, and its manifestations may differ depending on the gender and age of the child.

Mother over daughter

Mother's overprotection of her daughter does not give them the opportunity to gain their own life experience and learn to make decisions. It is important for a girl to know basic housework skills, regardless of whether they are useful to her or not.

A mother can protect her daughter from cleaning the house, cooking, shopping and other things, saying that she “will have time to suffer with this in marriage.” And such an attitude creates a clear connection in the girl that marriage and housework are torture.

Mother over son

The mother's overprotection over her son leads to the fact that the son never turns into an adult, responsible man, ready to start his own family. He stays with his parents or goes to his wife as another child.

It is very important that the mother allows her son to grow up: make choices, establish communications himself, help with the housework. Only in this way will he be able to gain life experience and learn to make decisions.

Over grown children

Overprotection of adult children leaves an imprint on their entire lives. A person who was heavily cared for by his parents in childhood and continues to be cared for even in adulthood has little practical knowledge and values ​​of his own. He is very dependent on his parents’ attitudes and cannot separate himself from them. People brought up under such control usually build relationships with others, violating all personal boundaries, as if they are suffocating them with their attention. This happens because their social experience is limited to precisely this model of behavior.

It often happens that a codependent child, already in adulthood, tries to build his life, but the attempts remain unsuccessful. If independent relationships with other people and everyday life develop, then the person begins to feel pressure from his parents, because he “owes” them a lot over the years of upbringing (this is especially often observed when a mother is overprotective of her adult daughter). It is very difficult to get rid of such moral pressure without spoiling relationships with loved ones.

“Lay out the mattress” and solve the child’s problems for him

A few years ago, there was a series of news discussions on the Internet about a wealthy father who bought his son a car. The first time my son was caught drunk driving. My father sorted it out, but my license was not taken away. The second time, the son had an accident and crashed the car. Thanks to the father's connections, the court recognized that the accident was not the fault of the son. A man bought his son a new car - more expensive than the previous one. In his opinion, his son should have taken care of his expensive car and driven it more carefully. My son hit a man with this car. The father once again saved his son, his license and car were in place. It ended with the son having an accident and falling to his death.

Often overprotection of a child means that a person does not feel the real consequences of what he does. The parent protects the child from problems now, but prevents him from learning responsibility and cause-effect relationships: do “A”, get “B”. However, you can’t argue with death, you can’t persuade it or bribe it.

Signs of overprotective parents

Overprotection in parents can be determined by many signs:

• an adult does not give his son or daughter a choice, but always makes it himself;
• everything the baby offers is questioned or rejected;
• the child does not know how to do homework on his own;
• parents determine the social circle of their son or daughter, choose friends for him;
• the baby is protected from any shocks and difficulties;
• adults do not trust the child’s strengths and do not believe in his capabilities.

You do not allow the child to make efforts and help without his request

I saw such an example. At a bus stop, a boy of two and a half to three years old is trying to climb onto a bench. Myself! Doesn't ask anyone. Mommy comes up with the question: “What are you doing?” The child admits: “I can’t climb.” “And it won’t work,” says his mother, joyfully picking him up by the armpits and sitting him on the bench. Everyone is happy.

If repeated regularly, this situation will most likely lead to atrophy of the child’s will and abilities. As a result, you can also get a strong charge of aggression and irritation, because independent action and effort are a need of a growing organism, necessary for survival. Such a need cannot be blocked with impunity.

How to deal with overprotection: advice from a psychologist

The most important thing that a parent who is overprotective of their child must learn is to see in him an independent person, a person who has his own personal boundaries. To do this, moms and dads must make a long and painstaking journey from controllers to observers.

Here are some tips from a psychologist that will relieve overprotective parents:

1. Praise your child whenever he tries to take initiative, whether it is successful or not. The main thing is not to lecture or scold him with the words: “It would be better if I did everything myself!”, but to support and praise: “How great you are doing!”, “I believe that you can handle this!”
2. Assign your child to carry out tasks around the house that are within his power. Let him dress himself, put away his toys, take the dishes away from the table, throw out the trash, etc. It is important not to prohibit doing things that you want: let the baby try to wash the dishes, vacuum, if the desire arises. Yes, most likely, he will have to redo everything, but he will gain a positive experience and will do these things with pleasure in adulthood.
3. Create a daily routine with your child. He must understand for himself how long lessons can take, and how long walking and games can take. It is advisable to give him the opportunity to do his homework himself - this way he will be responsible for them. Let him know that he can count on the help of his parents, but this should be a specific question or request, and not the excuses “I don’t know,” “I don’t understand,” and “I’m tired.”
4. Organize additional activities for your child that are not related to school. This is especially useful for indecisive and withdrawn children. If this is a sports section, then he will quickly learn to make decisions and think about responsibility for his actions. If it is music, dancing or handicrafts, then the baby will enjoy the process, the result of his efforts. Children who are not experiencing academic success will be able to experience success and satisfaction.
5. Give your child the right to make mistakes. Each of us makes mistakes. It is impossible to learn to eat porridge with a spoon without once smearing it all over your face and clothes. Without trial actions it is difficult to learn independence. And adults should support and believe in their children.
6. Don't finish your child's work. A parent can monitor, help, support his son or daughter, but he should not do everything for him. This will not allow the child to gain faith in himself, but will only provoke the development of infantilism.
7. Discuss your feelings. Share your experiences with your child so that he learns to notice the feelings and emotions of others. And also talk about what worries him, let him learn to cope with grief and problems - sometimes the silent support of a loved one is enough.

It’s easier for you to do it yourself than to wait for your child to do it.

This is a common mistake among adults, because the child performs the action either slowly or “wrong.” I really want to do it for him, so that it is faster, more accurate, more correct. Especially in a situation where you have to hurry. As a result, the child loses the opportunity to take responsibility for the result and ceases to respect the adult.

During classes with a children's group, I somehow realized that every time after an exercise I set up chairs alone, and the children ran away merrily. I began to notice how many little things I did for the children: handing out scissors, laying out paper, collecting trash. And this had a negative impact on discipline in the group. When I transferred this work to the guys, disciplinary issues disappeared by themselves.

My experience of interacting with children under parental overprotection

As a primary school teacher, I quite often meet such students in my practice. It is not difficult to identify them, because the consequences of overprotection are immediately evident, mostly negative.

For example, children who are under strict control at home behave differently at school. At first, they answer the teacher’s questions with caution, rarely raise their hand and show initiative. But as soon as they experience a situation of success and feel the support of the teacher, they lose self-control: they forget that they are sitting in class, having fun, fooling around, do not respond to comments, do not see boundaries in communicating with classmates - they behave as they want, until they again fall under total control.

This behavior prevents these children from fully mastering school material, and their inability to think critically and make decisions limits them from completing certain tasks.

Children whose parents comply with their whims on demand also do not perform well academically. They often refuse to complete a task whenever they fail, are offended by any criticism, and do not want to accept help from the teacher and classmates. This greatly inhibits their intellectual development and the acquisition of new knowledge.

In addition, it is difficult for them to establish communication with peers and make friends: due to their immaturity and touchiness, such children are not accepted into the game, do not listen to their opinions, and do not want to help in lessons and breaks.

It often happens that parents cannot pay proper attention to their children due to work. Then the overprotective grandmother appears, who pampers and takes care of her grandson in every possible way.

You do not trust the child’s capabilities and strengths

Here is another case of parental overprotection from my practice. A girl appeared in the preschool group, she looked very fragile, gentle, soft and sweet, I wanted to protect her. Mom complained that she was fearful, anxious and fantasized a lot.

During classes, I began to pay attention to the fact that I was paying attention to her and helping her more than other children. It always seemed to me that if this was not done, then she would not be able to cope on her own: she would not be able to lift the chair and move it, or knead the plasticine. The problem with fearfulness began to be quickly resolved when I shared with my mother my feelings and the desire to help the girl that arises next to her. Mom admitted that she felt the same way. When they stopped caring for the child, the girl quickly became combative, strong-willed, and no longer looked fragile.

What should anxious parents do?

Fragile appearance occurs:

• because of illness
• fragile, weak constitution
• difficult birth
• mature parents
• ideas of relatives (especially grandmothers) about thinness as a disease, ill health
• features in emotional and intellectual development (developmental delays, autism spectrum)