What to do if you are too sensitive. And it's noticeable
If you cannot stand bright light and turmoil around you, cannot watch horror films, and if you watch the news about an earthquake or military conflict, you begin to cry with pity for the victims, you are a highly sensitive person. According to the author of the term, Elaine N. Aron, there are about 20% of people like you in the world. This means it's time to stop hiding your feelings and no longer be ashamed of crying at the movies.
In the modern Western world, it’s a shame to be a weakling - and that’s why we have to hide our feelings, constantly stay on our toes, pretend that we can live without lunch and sleep and work 12 hours a day, otherwise our colleagues will look at us askance, and the bosses make jokes at our expense.
In our country it is not customary to be capricious - and therefore we are forced to agree to the conditions that exist, to work in a basement or open space, under the wind of an air conditioner, in the harsh light of fluorescent lamps and under the shouts of colleagues from neighboring departments.
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Do we suffer from all this? Yes, we are suffering. In general, we suffer from a lot of things: we can’t stand the feeling of hunger, we can’t watch films about the war, we don’t wear woolen things because they prick, we rip off the tags from T-shirts because they get in the way. We cannot work when it is cold, hungry or noisy, we react sharply to criticism and take any comments personally, we detect changes in the mood of others. All that remains is to say who we are.
We are highly sensitive people. Don’t rush to laugh and call us sissies - and not just because it’s very offensive to us.
You may also be one of the fifth of the world's population that is particularly sensitive to sensory processing. Then you are one of us.
You were probably also forbidden to watch a news program as a child because they showed war and starving children in Africa? Maybe you were dying of shame when a geography teacher gave you a bad mark once in your life? Maybe you hated running and, in general, any form of competition, when everyone is looking at you, and you run no more than a C? Maybe at school it was sheer torture for you to raise your hand in class, even if you knew exactly the right answer? Maybe. Or perhaps you have other examples from childhood that will help you say that you were a highly sensitive child and probably grew into an equally highly sensitive adult.
The term “highly sensitive person” was first used in its current sense by Dr. Elaine Aron, a scientist and author of the book The Highly Sensitive Person, published in the United States in 1997. The hypothesis that high sensitivity to external stimuli is a feature inherent in approximately 20% of the Earth’s inhabitants was put forward by a psychologist twenty years ago.
However, real interest in this idea has awakened among the public only now, when it became clear that more and more people cannot cope with stress.
And I woke up just in time: over twenty years, Dr. Aron and her colleagues conducted many studies that helped to understand what processes occur in the brain of a highly sensitive person, and to conclude that this feature is innate: certain areas of the brain of such a person react more sharply to external stimuli, than other, less sensitive people.
And not only for negative ones, but also for positive ones too. Yes, highly sensitive people feel acute discomfort in awkward situations. But they experience more vividly the pleasure of contemplating objects of art and views of nature, listening to music, and communicating with pleasant people.
How to Tell If You're a Highly Sensitive Person
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1. You have deep feelings
One of the main characteristics of highly sensitive people is the ability to deeply feel what is happening around them. They have developed intuition, which allows them to be more insightful than their less sensitive companions.
2. You react more emotionally than others.
Highly sensitive people experience more intense emotions and are often affected by the emotions of others. These are not necessarily close people; they can easily pick up a bad mood from a friend or become preoccupied with the problems of a colleague. This makes them hate delivering bad news or making unpopular decisions—they worry about how others will react.
3. You are often told: “Don’t take it to heart”
Different cultures treat sensitive people differently: if in the West emotionality is a sign of weakness, then in the East everything is not so simple.
Dr. Ted Zeff, author of The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide, states based on his research that in India and Thailand, sensitive men are teased very rarely, while in North America, men with a fine mental organization often find themselves the objects of ridicule.
4. You prefer to exercise alone
Highly sensitive people hate team sports, according to Dr. Zeff. And our experience confirms this: such people like cycling, swimming or race walking, but playing football or basketball causes them to panic.
However, there are exceptions: if such a person is lucky with smart and understanding parents, he may not be afraid to express himself in a team.
5. You find it difficult to make basic decisions
Highly sensitive people are attentive to the details of the situation and the subtleties of circumstances. Because of this, they try to take everything into account and fall into a stupor, because it’s all too much.
Even the task of choosing ice cream can confuse them. However, there is good news: having once understood how to behave in a certain situation, in similar conditions in the future such a person, without getting lost, will immediately do the right thing.
6. You get upset when you make a mistake.
Mistakes upset everyone, but highly sensitive people especially: because of annoying little things and mistakes that others have forgotten about, they can suffer for weeks, imagining that they still remember the mistake.
7. You are an introvert
But there are exceptions: according to Dr. Aron, 30% of highly sensitive individuals are extroverts. This happens when a person grows up in a closed environment, where everything is visible, in a village, small town, religious community or family of a public person.
8. You know how to work in a team
Paradoxically, but true: the depth of experience makes highly sensitive people excellent employees. Only they should not be in positions where they have to make final decisions: for example, if he is a doctor, he should have the opportunity to consult with colleagues before prescribing treatment.
9. You are prone to anxiety and depression
This only happens if you have suffered a lot of adversity in the past - but how many of us are lucky enough to do without them at all? Shy people are often teased in childhood: if a highly sensitive person is not given proper support in childhood, he grows up feeling that the world is hostile, and only doctors and antidepressants can help.
It’s worth taking a closer look at your child: high sensitivity is often inherited.
10. You can't stand loud noises
Some people can’t stand it when foam plastic squeaks on glass. Someone - the sound of a hammer drill or drill. Some people get annoyed when others eat loudly: the slurping and smacking is really unbearable, why do people even allow themselves to eat with their mouths open?!
11. You can't see violence on screen
A highly sensitive person cannot watch horror films about dismemberment, disaster films about drowning dogs, and arthouse films about rape. Lars von Trier, Gaspar Noe and Michael Haneke are cinematic enemies.
"Lard" by Pier Paolo Pasolini? Look in your VGIK, and all we have to do is read the story.
But you can watch Game of Thrones by closing your eyes in certain places, because the costumes are beautiful.
12. You may cry out of nowhere.
When such a person is offended for some reason to the point of tears, he really is capable of bursting into tears. And, by the way, it costs him a lot of effort not to do this. A sad film (without violence), a touching commercial for a charity campaign, a story about a penguin that annually swims to the Brazilian (or Chilean?) who saved him - in general, anything can cause a surge of feelings.
13. You are very polite
Good manners are a hallmark of highly sensitive people: it is important for them not to hurt the feelings of others. They try not to inconvenience others: they regularly give up their seat on public transport, carefully place their cart in the supermarket, let people go ahead and endlessly apologize and thank them. So much so that it is sometimes even annoying.
14. You overreact to criticism.
Highly sensitive people literally cannot handle criticism, taking it to heart. When their team is criticized, they take it personally.
Because of this, they often use ridiculous defense mechanisms: they try to please everyone in advance, criticize themselves, and avoid anything that could be a source of criticism.
Dr. Aron argues that such people use the following methods to protect themselves, which may seem strange to most: minimizing contact, blaming, trying to achieve too high a result, resentment, projecting, refusal to compete.
15. You can't work in an open office.
An open space is a nightmare for any office employee: noise, bright light, which not everyone can tolerate, constant movement, talking on the phone, arguments and foreign smells - all this makes a highly sensitive person’s head spin, and it’s impossible to concentrate. He is generally incapable of working under pressure: maybe some people need a good kick to start working, but not him.
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10 Rules for Being a Highly Sensitive Person
1. Remember that you are not alone and what is happening to you is normal.
2. Avoid people you don't like.
3. Avoid situations that tire you.
4. Don't overload your schedule - otherwise you may collapse at the most inopportune moment.
5. Set healthy boundaries with people who use your ability to empathize.
6. Keep a diary that will help you clear your head and learn to make decisions.
7. Enjoy good music, viewing art, and being with people who support you.
8. Find time every day to relax: take a bath, meditate, go for a massage, sit quietly with a book. Alcohol in this sense is a bad option for relaxation: you get tired every day, but you can’t get drunk every day.
9. Find opportunities to be alone.
10. Take care of yourself: You need to take care of yourself the same way you take care of your loved ones.
“Stop crying, people are looking at us!”
Imagine that you went to a cafe with two smart girls of 4–5 years old, let’s say in new dresses, one of whom is very sensitive. Everyone gets ice cream, it melts (or falls) and gets on their clothes. The “princess dress” is ruined, and at the first moment you don’t have time to cope with irritation, in your feelings you say something offensive (“What a slob!”), and a global flood begins.
Tell the first child: “Don’t worry, it’s okay, we’ll wash it, here’s a napkin, wipe it off.” Maybe pet and kiss. After 5 minutes the child is calm.
You do the same with the second one, but this makes the crying worse: the ice cream is gone, the clothes are ruined, nothing can be washed, and in general, the whole day has been terrible. An emotionally sensitive child reacts with such force.
What will you do next? Try to make your arguments a couple more times, then let him cry. But after 10 minutes of continuous tears, you won’t be able to stand it and say: “That’s it, stop crying, I said! People turn to look at you. As much as possible!” It may work, but the intensity of emotions will not subside.
It doesn't seem to be the parents' fault: what works for some kids just doesn't work for sensitive ones. But the children are not to blame either: the strength of the emotional response, the duration of the reaction and the ability to return to the “norm” are biological parameters with which we are born.
