The topic of trust in relationships with a loved one occupies an important place in the lives of each of us. After all, what we all really lack in life today is trust, sincerity and understanding. And yet, what should everyone do in a relationship so that their loved one trusts us?
“ The man doesn’t trust me ,” says the woman, and cannot find the answer to the question of why, when entering into a relationship with him, she is faced with mistrust.
In the phrase “ a man doesn’t trust me ” one hears a woman’s claim to a man, often based on pride and female pride. It is also interesting that a woman often does not admit that she herself does not trust a man, since she simply does not see it in herself. Although outbursts of jealousy, checking mobile messages, monitoring emails and checking the pockets of a man’s jacket clearly indicate mistrust towards the man. Unfortunately, both men and women are distrustful by nature.
In this article, we will look into this issue, but first I will touch on the very concept of trust.
The first stage of building relationships, getting to know each other
As a female psychologist and a woman, I know that the world of female nature is rich in the expression of feelings. Women are very emotional. But, in the first stages of a relationship, it is important for a woman to maintain chastity in a relationship. We are talking about two things here. A woman values inner spiritual purity, through which she perceives the world around her and the man in it. A woman should choose a man, evaluate his masculine qualities, and not twist her soul in front of the first person she meets. A woman must keep a riddle within herself, which she will eventually offer to solve only to one man worthy of her feminine value. The second important point of a trusting relationship is the chastity of the female body and giving it to the man.
In our crazy age of fast-growing relationships, many couples manage to go through all the stages of a relationship in a few days, without stopping at all at the first fundamental level of the emergence of a pure relationship. Before people know it, they have already formed a family and had children.
Lack of responsibility and extreme human carelessness over time lead people to the rapid emergence of problems in relationships and a timely cooling of feelings.
For what reasons do they usually lose the trust of a husband or wife?
The most common reasons for losing the trust of a loved one include:
- treason and betrayal. Moreover, betrayal is not only physical. For example, if you publicly insult or ridicule your loved one, this can also be called cheating, and trust then begins to fade;
Cheating is a common cause of loss of trust in a loved one, and much more often it is moral than physical.
- lie. Deception and trust are incompatible concepts. The more often you deceive your loved one, the less he will trust you;
- understatement. Hiding some facts sometimes hurts no less than lying.
Experience
Very often a person who does not trust people has every reason to do so. He was simply betrayed and let down often. And often not only acquaintances, but also those whom he considered closest and dearest. This almost always causes permanent injury. Trust is undermined in all people, and it becomes problematic to demonstrate it in interpersonal relationships with other individuals.
The same goes for betrayal. It is difficult for a person who has been cheated on (perhaps more than once) to build relationships, to love, to believe in the sincerity of reciprocal feelings and to trust. In such cases, it is difficult to forget about the experience, but it is recommended. To help yourself, you need to understand: many people from the past truly did not deserve even a first chance. But there is no need to deprive others of it. Not all people are the same.
Second period of relationship building, courtship and choice
Can a woman accept advances from different men? Yes, as long as a woman chooses a worthy man, she can accept the advances of several men at the same time. Courtship means communication and spending time together: going to a cafe or theater, or going for a walk. During this period of courtship, a woman pays attention to the man’s behavior, manners, upbringing and attitude towards herself as a woman. At this stage of a relationship, a woman should not immediately give herself to everyone who treats her to a cup of coffee. Otherwise, the price of such coffee is very expensive.
To further expand on the topic of the article, I will once again use an example from the life of one of my clients.
The client admitted that she has a passion for luxury and expensive jewelry, and this passion prevents her from building relationships with men. Remembering her wealthy boyfriend, she said: the man does not trust me and my sincerity in love. He thinks that I am more interested in clothes, new luxury goods, jewelry, but not in himself.
As a female psychologist and a woman, I explain to my clients the importance of appreciating the masculinity in a man.
Let me give you another example from the practice of one of my clients. She said: the man doesn't trust me . She could not accept and understand why she could no longer accept the advances of other men. What's wrong if I just go out with a friend? The man doesn't trust me and wants to limit my freedom. I am a woman and I need the admiration and compliments of men, let him not think that no one likes me.
This example speaks of a woman’s lack of self-confidence. A woman is trying to convince herself that she is confident in herself as a woman. Otherwise, why does she need confirmation of her beauty from all the men around her?
As a female psychologist, I will give a recommendation to women: do not have the habit of comparing your man with others, admiring him, and citing other men as an example. This behavior will push a man away from you, and he will find someone for whom he will be the best. Remember that accepting advances from other men is unacceptable when you are married or in a relationship.
Let me give you another example of a situation that arose in one married couple.
How could it happen that a man does not trust me and is jealous of my colleague?
This married couple had been living together for 6 years, and they worked in the same company. One day, the cause of the conflict was office gossip that followed a corporate party, at which, for some unknown reason, only the wife was present. The husband felt ill and left the party early. And his wife, at the request of her boss, stayed at the party to discuss some work issues.
As a women's psychologist, I recommend that married women, in order to avoid conflict with their husbands, not attend such events without their husbands, remaining in the company of other men.
The man does not trust me , believing that I had a pleasant time in the company of other men. I only now understand what he felt inside and how he was worried.
The client asked to help her regain the man's trust . My man doesn't trust me anymore ? At first he began to be jealous of me, then to control me, and now he stopped trusting me altogether. It seems to me that he has lost interest in me.
Living together under one roof forces many to reconsider their views on family.
FAQ
How to trust people if a person has previously experienced a serious negative experience? Most importantly, you don't need to constantly think about your past. Everything bad has already happened, for example, my husband left the family, my friend betrayed me, my colleague set me up at work and my boss fired me. However, this does not mean that the girl will not be able to get married again and become happy, find a new job and make friends with another, more decent person. Therefore, in order to get rid of mistrust of other people, you do not need to constantly remember the negative past and dwell on bad experiences. After all, after a black streak in life there always comes a white one.
Can you trust people who have already betrayed you once? Not only men, but also women often turn to specialists with this question. So, psychologists believe that everything depends on the specific situation. Although it is hardly possible to justify betrayal. However, if a person sincerely repents and asks for forgiveness for his actions, then another can forgive him, although he is not obliged to do so. Nevertheless, it is unlikely that it will be possible to regain trust in a person here. After all, whoever betrayed once can betray a second time. Don't forget about this.
Take responsibility for your actions
People who have betrayed their friend or spouse often try to defend themselves, and thus, instead of admitting their own stupidity and weakness, they usually begin to attack: “Well, yes, I did a bad thing, but that’s all on you.” wine!
This pattern of behavior is absolutely wrong and will not benefit you. Even if the reason for your lie was your wife's inability to understand you, you made a mistake! Be responsible for every action you take, because only in this way will you have a chance to restore trust and save your marriage after cheating.
A short introduction
First you need to figure out why a person stops trusting other people. In fact, every negative experience experienced in the past leaves a serious imprint not only on the soul, but also on the heart. Most often, mistrust arises due to the experienced betrayal of a loved one, the deception of a friend or comrade. In most cases, past problems in relationships with people can seriously harm a person in the future.
Many of us have at least once heard the following phrase from someone: “I don’t trust people.” But why does this happen? Is a lack of trust in other people a serious barrier to living a fulfilling and happy life? Unfortunately, yes, but this problem can be dealt with.
Mental problems
A person who does not trust people often tests them. Many people suffering from depression think that they are being watched. This becomes the reason why they are overcome by fear and suspicion. Often exaggerated or unfounded mistrust is a symptom of depression.
People who are in the early stages of alcoholism also become very suspicious. Elderly people, due to their age, also begin to show distrust. Because of suspicion, they hide things and money, complain about poor care, and constantly double-check everything.
A man doesn’t trust me - recommendations from a psychologist
An important and key point in the formation of pure and trusting relationships is the communication of partners with each other. As a female psychologist, I want to draw women’s attention to the ability to talk with their men.
When a woman wonders why a man doesn't trust me and what to do, it becomes obvious that she doesn't understand him. In psychological consultations, I explain to women that in order for them to be happy in a relationship with their man, they must understand them.
In order for a woman to understand a man’s jealous behavior and answer the question: “ Why doesn’t a man trust me ,” you need to talk to him more often. Consultation with a female psychologist helps women understand the world of their man and themselves, realize their desires, evaluate their role and behavior in a relationship with a man, realize their mistakes and find solutions to current situations. A man doesn’t trust me , which means he doubts me and my actions.
How to talk to a man so that he hears you and stops doubting you?
What to do if a man does not trust and is jealous of work? Jealousy and mistrust often hide a man’s fear of losing a woman by losing control over her in a relationship.
Let me give you another example from practice.
The man does not trust me, believing that I go to work not to work, but to do something obscene. I constantly feel guilty towards him, although I do nothing wrong.
I understand that a man cannot read my thoughts, he does not know what lies behind my desire to run to work, but how can I explain to him what he would hear?
Lie theory
In order to understand how to trust a man, you need to understand how and why people lie. Of course, this question may seem stupid to some, because it’s a no brainer where lies come from. But in reality it's not that simple, and we'll try to figure it out before we decide what to do about it.
Naturally, people deceive each other in order to satisfy some of their desires.
A very common situation is when a person lies in order to appear better than he really is.
The desire is strange, but not for someone who is familiar with psychology. One of the basic human needs is the need for status and respect from society. It must be satisfied along with thirst, hunger and the desire to be safe.
But if a person does not feel sufficiently accomplished, if he does not feel respect from others, then he can begin to lie.
This is especially true for men who have greater self-esteem than women. For example, a story about an independently concluded lucrative contract for a company in reality may turn out to be a simple transaction in which your man took part. And how can you trust them after this?!
Well, a classic example of how people lie to get their own way is a man courting a woman just to sleep with her. He is ready to do everything, shower himself with unimaginable compliments and perform actions of incredible beauty, but his goal is very mundane. Naturally, no one will directly tell a girl: “I just want to sleep with you.” After this, the annoying subject will most likely be sent to hell. But if you deceive beautifully, then the probability of success becomes much higher.
But this is not the worst thing. It’s much worse if your husband deceives you because it’s just more convenient for him. A classic example is the insidious cheater. He lies to his wife, telling tales about superficial and platonic interactions with other girls. Naturally, it is convenient for him when his house is full, and everyone around him considers him a good family man. But he also deceives his mistress by exaggerating stories about his vixen wife. He comes up with all sorts of reasons why he cannot get a divorce, although his heart languishes from “doomed” love. Thus, based only on considerations of his own convenience, such a man is capable of doing everything just to “fool” two women.
This partly echoes the moment when a man lies to you to avoid responsibility. It sounds paradoxical, but until you find out about everything, deception does not seem to exist. And to be precise, he simply does not face responsibility for it. And he continues to lie in order to hide this whole bunch of lies, which have a lot of internal connections.
So, there are a great many reasons for lying. But how can you tell if your husband is cheating on you? In general, of course, this is difficult to believe in principle: how can a loved one and a loved one tell lies and do unpleasant things? But, unfortunately, this happens. And you need to know the signs of lying in order to learn to separate reality from fiction.
There are a number of purely technical points that you can rely on when analyzing what is happening:
Or uses many more words than are necessary in a particular situation. All this looks like some kind of wall, the main purpose of which is to cover up lies. Subconsciously, the idea is spinning in my head: “The more I say, the more truthful the story will seem.” And if you add details, then everything will be great. Only this is not true and, as a rule, is a sign of lying.
When you lie, you need to keep several threads of the conversation in mind at once in order not to get confused and not “reveal your cards”: the past - so that everything fits, the present - so that you continue to “create” history, and the future - so that based on all this guess what you will say next. In short, it requires enormous brain resources, which makes the liar very tired. Pauses in conversation also indicate this.
With the exception of rare cases of skillful lying, the deceiving person noticeably changes the speed of conversation. Speech may become slow due to the reasons described above - a person thinks for a long time about what to say. Or it can become quite fast when the subject, firstly, is worried and cannot hide it, and, secondly, by pouring large amounts of information on you at an accelerated pace, he subconsciously hopes to confuse you and reduce your concentration. Then the likelihood of being caught becomes lower. By the way, the intonation of the liar also changes - usually the voice becomes higher. This is a psychophysiological reaction.
When a person lies, he initially has a subconscious feeling of guilt towards you. And by telling his stories, he seems to be trying to justify himself. There are a lot of constructions and words in speech that show the speaker in a positive light.
Surely, when wondering how to learn to trust your partner, you are especially interested in the aspect of his relationship with the opposite sex. How does a cheating man behave? He becomes very picky towards his wife, because he believes that it is she who is to blame for everything, because she provokes him to such acts. Accordingly, scandals and quarrels become more frequent, after which he is thrown into the opposite hypostasis - he somehow especially zealously tries to compensate for his guilt.
In general, intermittency and sudden changes in mood and behavior are an alarming signal. As a rule, all kinds of sprees, drinking and other actions associated with self-destruction are added to it. And finally, the surest sign is the voice of your intuition. A woman almost always feels when a man has someone else, even if the whole world is trying to dissuade her of this. So, first of all, you should believe in yourself.
“Why doesn’t a man trust me?” — question from a client for working on herself
If a man doesn’t trust me, then obviously I’m behaving incorrectly, and I have to reconsider a lot in my own thoughts and behavior, re-evaluate my view of the current relationship and my role in it. What mistakes am I making today, since my husband doesn’t trust me ?
During the consultation, the client said that at the time she met her current man, she was already in a relationship with another man, with whom she had just come that day to the party where their first meeting took place.
Today, remembering and analyzing that situation, the client says: “ The man doesn’t trust me because I used to behave defiantly and liked to attract the attention of other men.” He probably thinks that I still behave this way, so he doesn’t trust me and doesn’t let me go anywhere with my friends.
Let's look at common women's mistakes in relationships with men.
