What do psychologists advise you to do if your wife is constantly insulted and humiliated by her husband?

Situations when a husband insults and humiliates his wife in life occur quite often. “Where are you going with your chicken brain!”, “Will you ever learn to cook?”, “Shut up and listen to what I’m telling you.” These are far from the most offensive phrases that women have to listen to. The cruelest words and obscene expressions are used. And every word resonates with pain in the heart. After all, this is said by a loved one who wants to be liked and receive love from him.

Women are exhausted trying to please the man they love. They try to look better, cook something tasty, arrange a romantic date, but everything is useless. The husband does not even seek to change his attitude towards his half. Insults pour in like from a cornucopia. Sometimes wives begin to think about divorce, but do not always decide on it, fearing problems or even greater aggression from the man. When a husband constantly insults and humiliates his wife, what should be done? How to get out of an unpleasant situation? Let's try to figure it out and find a way out.

Why does my husband humiliate me?

The wedding has recently died down, and the young couple are starting their life together. The woman hopes that this particular person next to her will be a support, protection, with him she will raise well-mannered and smart children, and will be happy. But suddenly, after Mendelssohn's march, the person closest to him begins to change. He offends his partner, and the humiliation can be both moral and physical. She looks for reasons in herself, tries to become better, but her attempts may not give any positive results.

To figure out how to deal with the problem, you need to determine why a man insults a woman in the first place. The reasons may be different:

The warm feelings have dried up. Love is not eternal. Without it, all the minor shortcomings of the partner seem to be serious, weighty problems.
Treason. The man found himself a new object to idealize. The wife is no longer surrounded by the aura of correctness that was before; now the mistress has taken the palm. In addition, this may manifest a desire to force the spouse to leave her humiliating husband voluntarily. This way he will maintain his reputation as a decent person.

Man cheated on his wife

Low male self-esteem. This is how self-affirmation can manifest itself. A husband who means little to others can “take it out” on his wife, who is weak and dependent.
Loss of interest in a woman as a person. A woman stops taking care of herself: she wears dirty clothes, doesn’t care about her appearance, and doesn’t develop. This often happens while a lady is on maternity leave. But an unkempt person next to you will be unpleasant to anyone.
Mirror relation. If a wife allows herself to humiliate her husband, then you won’t have to expect politeness from him either.
Humiliation that has become a habit. By allowing herself to be humiliated once, a woman gives the offender carte blanche for further similar actions.

Note! If we talk about constant psychological humiliation, insults, and depreciation of values, then this is moral violence. It is briefly called abuse. Often they try to denote violence and humiliation in general, including physically. But this is not true. Abuse is bullying and suppression of the individual in a moral sense, but it often goes hand in hand with physical violence.

Abuse

Family therapy

This small analysis of the situation and recommendations on how to fix it will not help everyone. For most people, the article will only give food for thought, but will not allow them to move forward. Sometimes the transition from a relationship from the plane of “I’m the boss - you’re a fool” to equality is very difficult to make. Here you need the help of a family therapist or psychologist.

You will say that it is difficult for you to decide and go to a session. You can answer that it is most likely much more difficult for your wife to restrain herself and not yell at you than to get ready and go to a psychologist. You are not your spouse's enemy, and she is not your enemy. You are two people, tired, unhappy, stuck in a typical relationship mechanism that leads to a breakup.

Eliminate this mechanism, start building relationships on a new foundation. Take responsibility for this, change your behavior, give arguments that will force your wife to start communicating with you openly and without unnecessary emotions. You can understand that both you and she can handle this. But it will be better if you do this together, rather than bring the situation to the point where the easiest solution seems to be separation.

Symptoms of the problem

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Humiliation in the family is something that should not be hidden from your own attention. In this case, you should definitely understand the details. This attitude is one-time or repeated on the part of the husband, whether he humiliates morally consciously or is this an isolated case. Anyone can offend, but not every attempt to offend is violence. This is why it is important to determine how serious it is:

Humility. If a wife tolerates her husband’s antics and tries not to anger him again and indulges his whims, then she has subconsciously come to terms with the suppression of her personality.
The spouse distorts reality. He takes words out of context, changes phrases and their meanings, and generally keeps silent about unpleasant episodes, as if they never happened. Everything is aimed at reducing the victim’s self-esteem.
Control. The abuser demands a full account: where, with whom, when and why his companion. Over time, this can develop into stalking.
The insult is presented as a joke. If a partner constantly makes evil jokes, is rude, aiming humor at some personal qualities of the spouse, then this may be one of the symptoms of abuse.

Man mocking woman

Non-recognition of achievements, ideas and strengths. It's simple: the abuser considers them a force that requires control. Through humiliating remarks, ridicule, and devaluation, it reduces this power, gaining complete control over the person.
Restrictions. Such a spouse will find a sore point: money, intimacy, communication with children. As punishment, the disobedient victim will have her access to it restricted. This gives him an excellent influence tool.
Lack of an account with the spouse's opinion. A husband can dramatically change joint plans under any auspices. Over time, this can become the norm, a habit.

The wife has become ugly

It happens that you are tired of your old wife because she has become ugly. Indeed, many women sin by neglecting themselves after marriage. They stop taking care of themselves, don’t watch their figure, and don’t bother with their homely appearance. Sometimes it even gets to the point of absurdity when a woman neglects such a basic procedure as removing excess “vegetation” from the body. Thus, if your spouse has turned into a slob, you need to openly tell her about it, and then act based on whether she reacts to your remark.

But if your complaints are caused by natural age-related changes (gray hair, wrinkles, loss of body elasticity, etc.), you are not entirely fair. After all, when marrying a young beauty, you had to understand that appearance is not eternal. Age and the birth of children leave their mark. And you are probably not the same as you were before. It is possible that you already have a beer belly and bald spots. Instead of reproaching your wife for losing her attractiveness, it’s better to give her a certificate to a beauty salon.

How to respond to humiliation

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It all starts from the first steps, inveterate abuse - from the first insults. If your husband calls you names and humiliates you for the first time, according to the advice of a psychologist, nothing bad has happened yet. You just need to react correctly: the woman must calmly and clearly make it clear to the man that it is unacceptable to talk to her in such a tone. It doesn’t matter why it happened – it shouldn’t be like this. Neither spouse should humiliate the other, no matter what happens.

Important! Husband and wife are the closest people to each other. There should be no problems that they could not discuss and find a common solution. Perhaps one of them needs to change something in themselves, maybe both. One point should be wary: if the problem is clear, but the partner does not want to make efforts to solve it.

If they insult you in front of children

Ideal conditions in a family are when, in the presence of a child, mom and dad never quarrel, do not swear, and discuss problems peacefully. It doesn't always work out that way.

If a man insults in front of children, and this is the first time, then you need to act in the same way as without them. Firmly and calmly define the boundaries of what is acceptable. In case of frequent repetition of humiliation, realize that the inveterate abuser will no longer correct himself. He just doesn't want to do it.

Moral violence in front of a child

Story two

- Brainless brute, freak, you ruined my whole life! All! What did I see besides you? I fed, served, raised children, but never heard a kind word from you! You can't be seen or heard at all. You are never at home. If you’re at home, you sit like an owl, either staring at a book or at the computer. He's thinking about the Duma! The smart guy has been found! I would strangle you!

With strong hands Larisa pushed Ivan in the chest, then pushed him against the wall and screamed in his ear:

- Hear me, freak! What kind of man are you?! One name!

In this couple, everything is the other way around: Larisa has an anal vector, Ivan has a cutaneous one. How did it happen that in this case, the wife constantly humiliates and insults her husband?

Why did a relationship that could have been ideal turn into misunderstanding, confrontation, and alienation?

The future spouses grew up in the same yard and attended the same school. Then Ivan became interested in architecture, and Larisa entered the pedagogical institute. He immersed himself in his studies, read a lot, sat at night over calculations and drawings. His projects won student competitions, and serious engineering firms vied with each other to invite him to work without waiting for his diploma.

The skin sound artist was in his element. Ivan didn’t have enough time for the girls, there was so much he wanted to do! And Larisa understood it in her own way: she’s serious, she won’t go out. For a girl with an anal vector, the most valuable things are husband, family, stability. But the husband was all in study, work, thoughts. He hardly noticed his wife, did not live up to her ideal, and did not strive for intimacy.

The skin vector is rationality and the pursuit of a goal, the sound vector is the idea and meanings. For such a person, in the context of a family, everything is simple: there is a house, a wife who runs the household and raises children, and the husband can focus on the main thing - production. He brings everything to the house, to his beloved - from bread to the meaning of life.

But for a wife with an anal vector this is not enough. For her, the meaning is different: she wants her husband to appreciate sparkling cleanliness and hot cakes, crispy pillowcases and ironed suits. She is infuriated by the lack of response, indifference, inattention. It doesn’t even occur to her that a washing machine, a combine and a car are his way of showing care for his wife and respect for her work.

At first Larisa endured it, then she was offended, then she began to offend herself - we need to even out the imbalance. In the anal vector, a sense of balance is the main condition for psychological comfort. A person invests - receives well-deserved praise and respect - feels gratitude - feels good. And if he doesn’t receive it, it’s bad. There is only one way to restore justice - to return the pain to the offender. And Larisa gave it away - insults, humiliation, and threats were thrown at her husband.

A person always blames others for his mental suffering and intuitively hits the sickest. Larisa called her purposeful husband, focused on finding optimal solutions, “a worthless idiot, a loser, a “loser.” She trampled his desire upward, towards success and devalued the meanings that were important to him.

Humiliated by constant attacks, trying to avoid another portion of insults, Ivan increasingly moved away from his wife, became withdrawn into himself, spent more time at work, and did not speak to Larisa for weeks. Several times he left, was about to get a divorce, then Larisa calmed down for a while and asked for forgiveness. After all, any change, especially a break in a relationship, is like a disaster for a person with an anal vector. But as soon as Ivan returned, the nagging and insults began with renewed vigor.

How to avoid abuse

Relationships with a married man - what to do if you fall in love, how to break up

Moral violence, like many other things, can be prevented. In some cases, attempts will be unsuccessful, but they can still save some marriages:

Discuss the problem together and look for a solution. If there is a conflict, then there is a reason for it. She needs to be eliminated. Therefore, one should not remain silent and endure - one must look for a solution that suits everyone.
Keep a close eye on your future spouse. People don't change at the snap of a finger. Someone who is prone to abuse later can be identified before marriage. You should take a closer look at the personal qualities of the chosen guy.
Look after yourself. It happens that disrespect for oneself as an individual results in similar disrespect from others. Not so much for the sake of her husband, but for her own sake, a woman should take care of her appearance, speech and development.

A woman develops herself

Adviсe

Men who have experienced their wives cheating are given the following advice:

Don't deal with lovers, they have nothing to do with it.
If you saved your family, then forget about your wife’s betrayal, do not try to put pressure on the feeling of guilt.
Think about what your fault was that provoked the betrayal, so as not to repeat the offenses again.
Revenge on your opponent will not help you. You won’t get your loved one back this way, or she may not know anything at all.
Talk to your wife to understand the reasons for her actions.
If you decide to forgive your spouse, then do it sincerely.
If you want to talk it out, then do it with your spouse, friends or a psychologist.
You can either separate from your wife or save your family, which is up to you personally.

How not to behave

In any family disagreement there are a number of stop actions. If a woman is humiliated by her husband, dear man, she should under no circumstances resort to the following actions:

Wait for a miracle. People do not change instantly on their own. If you wait and endure, it will only be coupled with hard work to change your partner.
Change a person without his consent. This will not give any results and will ruin the relationship even more. Only those who agree to it themselves can change.
Be silent or fawn. You should say that such behavior is unacceptable, express your anger and indignation. Do not curry favor with the insulter.
Insult. You should not become like a moral rapist and stoop to his level.

there is hope

It is important for a woman to be patient. Fixing an unhealthy relationship is a long process. Anyone can have breakdowns. One should not dream that there will be no disagreements in the family at all. But it is important that each partner is able to admit their mistakes and soberly assess the situation. If people understand in which direction they should work on relationships and have chosen the right “vector” of development, there is still hope to change something and find a harmonious, strong family, where an atmosphere of mutual respect and warmth reigns.

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When to leave an abuser

One option for dealing with abuse is to leave the toxic relationship. Making such a decision is not easy, but often it is the only correct one. For example, when:

The husband allows himself to humiliate his wife in public, in front of the children;
A man raises his hand to a woman;

Physical violence

Abuser is an alcoholic;
He can only humiliate in private, but this humiliation is too painful and traumatic.

It is impossible to create a clear list of advice on when to disagree with an offender and when not to. It all depends on the personal characteristics of the partners. The wife may need to consult a psychologist to make a decision.

Marriage by mistake

Is your wife getting bored? Unfortunately, when people live together for a long time, they may experience some irritation towards each other. But if the marriage was concluded in a hurry, thoughtlessly, passion will probably quickly give way to routine and mutual hostility. When people realize they have made a mistake, they become irritated. They are offended by themselves, taking out their anger on each other.

There is also a category of marriages that take place due to pregnancy. Driven by a sense of duty, young people get married. But quite often the birth of a child does not contribute to strengthening relationships, people quarrel, get irritated, and bother each other.

Whatever the reason for your ill-considered marriage, you should do what is best for both spouses. Is it worth tolerating each other any longer? Or perhaps there is a way to improve the relationship? Or is separation the only way out?

Is the humiliating person worthy of revenge?

After a breakup, a man can insult a woman; why he does this is immediately clear. So the ex-husband is still trying to keep her under control, suppress the personality of the chosen one and subjugate her. After receiving the divorce certificate, I want to take revenge on him, repay him in the same coin. Psychologists advise us to be puzzled: why condemn an abuser, immediately becoming like him?

Stooping to the level of the abuser is not something an adult should do. It would be better to let go of such a situation, leaving it in the past forever. In case of persecution by your ex-husband, you must contact law enforcement agencies.

What psychologists advise

The decision to stay and endure or to leave will not be made for a woman by any consultant or doctor. She is responsible for her life; specialists can only guide and suggest a way to solve the problem. The most important advice that psychology can give is that you need to love yourself first, and only then your husband. Therefore, you should not be afraid to ask for help. Abuse is a serious problem and one cannot turn a blind eye to it.

It happens that a woman is forced to endure moral violence only because she has no one and nowhere to go. There is a way out in this case:

Phone numbers for anonymous psychological help. They employ professionals who will not judge, but will help with advice.

Call the helpline

Services for victims of violence. Usually in this case we are talking about physical violence, but with severe abuse they will help here. Such services help women get a divorce and rebuild their lives after it.
Centers for mothers with children. Children are often the “leash” on which a wife is held. The above-mentioned centers provide temporary shelter to mothers with children who find themselves in a hopeless situation. They help them gain freedom and survive after receiving it.

Moral humiliation is definitely a negative phenomenon. Its results range from resentment and deterioration of relationships to real hatred. Meanwhile, this is not the feeling that spouses need. A normal healthy family is built on trust, mutual respect and constructive dialogue; we must strive for this ideal.

Pros and cons of a situation where a wife earns more than her husband

Very often, women complain that their husbands earn less. Moreover, a man’s salary can be average or even above average. The fact that there is a difference is important here. However, no one considers the positive aspects of this situation. Of course, this is very individual. One woman will be satisfied with her unemployed husband, who occasionally works part-time, while the other will feel discomfort due to the fact that her business brings in more money than her husband’s business. And both may be right if the first husband cannot work for health reasons and does household chores, and the second husband is simply lazy. But now we will not go to extremes and will consider the possible pros and cons of such a situation without taking into account the circumstances.

Women who earn more than men are less likely to tolerate partners who make them uncomfortable

The advantages include self-realization. I can say for myself that this makes it much easier mentally. When I gave birth to my first daughter, I felt that I was deteriorating during maternity leave. My whole life was limited to the kitchen and the crib. There were walks, but even there other young mothers complained about the monotony of life. Single women also complained about financial problems. With my second daughter, I left maternity leave earlier because my eldest daughter helped me. By this time, my salary was higher, but the position was also more responsible. It kept me on my toes. I was constantly busy intellectually. The tasks were different almost every time, as was the approach. In addition, I was more confident in myself because I knew that in any case I could provide for my family on my own.

An obvious disadvantage is the possible deterioration of family relationships. Marriage cracks even with minor problems. Other people also add fuel to the fire: acquaintances, neighbors and girlfriends may be surprised by this state of affairs and persistently advise them to find another man. It's annoying to say the least. To avoid problems in the family, you need to know how to react correctly to what is happening and how to behave correctly with your husband.