The story of a Woman.ru reader. My husband is rude to me!

Such “unchildish” jealousy and “inheritance” from parents

There is a family life cycle; each stage has its own development tasks and crises. The deterioration of relationships is often associated with the birth of a child. Your little daughter willy-nilly invades your relationship. You, Alena, are both a mother and a wife. You are probably tired from the workload. Against this background, irritability and resentment worsen. And for a husband, a child is not an easy test. During this period, the woman pays much more attention to the baby than to her husband. Many men begin to worry that their wife has stopped loving them. These are unconscious processes. They may be jealous of the child and use aggression as a way to get attention. And we often get angry when we don’t get what we want from someone else. Screams, swearing, insults are similar to a child’s reaction - you’ve probably watched children fight in the sandbox, taking away each other’s scoop and bucket.

Quarrels are a great way to get each other's attention.

He is more familiar to your couple than the others.
It is important for your husband to love you and feel noticed.
But, as you write, in his parental family, “calling names” and raising one’s voice is the norm. Then all this time you have been successfully playing the children's game that your husband inherited.

How to hold your spouse accountable

You should stop insults from your spouse for the following reasons:

Firstly, over time, aggression may intensify, insults may turn into assault or beatings. This may lead in the future to a retaliatory outburst of violence on the part of the second spouse and result in injury or even death of one of them.
Secondly, the atmosphere of violence in the family negatively affects the psyche and behavior of children. They can become withdrawn and fearful, or, conversely, aggressive and uncontrollable.
Thirdly, regular insults and bullying spoil the relationship between spouses and can lead to divorce.

There are several options for holding your spouse accountable, it all depends on the current situation:

Administrative liability for insult is provided for in Art. 5.61 Code of Administrative Offences. The punishment for such an offense will be a fine of 1,000 to 3,000 rubles. To bring the offender to justice, you should file a complaint with the prosecutor's office. In accordance with the application, the prosecutor issues an order to initiate a case, which he transfers to the magistrate's court.
A statement of claim to the court for compensation for moral damages for insults. You can specify any amount of the penalty at your discretion; the final amount will be determined by the judge depending on the degree of moral damage caused.
Contact the local inspector. In this situation, there is no point in writing a statement to the police, since insults are not a criminal offense. It is better to ask the local police officer to hold an explanatory conversation with the aggressor or threaten to prosecute him, for example, for hooliganism.

To consider a case in court, it is necessary to prepare convincing evidence of the abusive behavior of the spouse. It can be:

testimony from friends and relatives;
video recording on a phone camera;
printing of SMS messages or online correspondence;
recording verbal abuse on a voice recorder.

If your spouse has insulted you by posting defamatory information on social networks, you should take a screenshot of the page on which the insults were published. To record the date and time of publication, you need to invite witnesses or a lawyer, draw up an inspection report and attach it to the case file. In this case, it will be possible to qualify the information as a public insult, the fine for such an offense will be from 3,000 to 5,000 rubles.

If the insults led to a deterioration in health, for example, a hypertensive crisis or a heart attack, an extract from the medical history can be presented as evidence. If bruises or abrasions appear as a result of an insult, they must be recorded in a medical institution, then the actions of the aggressor can be classified as hooliganism, for which criminal punishment is provided.

Insults in the family must be fought before they become systematic, and it is better to prevent them. To save the family, you can try to persuade the aggressor to visit a family psychologist to correct his behavior, or ask one of the relatives to influence the rude person. It is worth bringing the offender to administrative or criminal liability only when other methods no longer work and the marriage is on the verge of collapse.

How to behave

Try to respond to insults by talking about feelings and labeling his actions. For example: “You are screaming now. What do you want? Why are you doing it? It hurts and offends me when you scream and want to defend yourself.”
Learn to hear and listen to each other’s communication messages and not speculate. Just try to clarify what's going on.
Speak without judgment, this will help you assert your boundaries.

In every family, the love stage of euphoria and idealization of the partner ends sooner or later. To come to an agreement with him, to accept each other with all our advantages and a huge number of shortcomings, bad habits, etc. is the art of a real couple and I wish you to master this art.

Legal concept of insult

In order for behavior to be classified as an insult, two conditions must be met:

It must be directed at a specific person and expressed in the form of physical force or in the form of humiliating statements. Ignoring your spouse or remaining silent will not be considered an insult. Obscene language expressed without address is also not an insult.
Behavior that contradicts generally accepted norms of morality and morality and is characterized by cynicism will be considered degrading human dignity. It is important that the behavior be indecent from an objective point of view. If the victim considers words or actions that are not such for most people to be offensive and humiliating, then they cannot be called offensive.

Prosecution for insult is possible only in cases where there is no retaliatory aggression on the part of the victim. Otherwise, he himself may become accused of this offense.

Where to get advice

There is a psychological one in Sochi. This summer, at its base, I conducted a series of women’s psychological seminars. Don’t be lazy, stop by with your husband for a consultation with a family psychologist. The task of your couple is to develop rules of intimacy and cooperation, to learn even better about what is important to the other, to learn to respect the thoughts and feelings of your partner, even if they differ from yours. Good luck to you! Larisa

Attention! If you need advice from a psychologist, write to us! By publishing your stories and expert answers on the site, Woman.ru does not pursue any commercial goals. All personal information will be hidden and names will be changed.

How to write: Describe in detail the situation in which you find yourself, what exactly oppresses you about it, what you would like to change. Please include your name, age and city where you live. Please try to keep your story within 2,000 characters. Send it to [email protected]

The editors reserve the right to publish not all letters and not to enter into correspondence with the authors of letters. Materials are published on the website once every two weeks in the “Psychology” section.

The husband is rude, there are two children, there is nowhere to go. What to do?

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes.

Reader question:

Good afternoon

My husband constantly yells, is rude, is rude, and throws things. He appears calm, but is actually very nervous. He’s 15 years older than me, he’s about 60. He seems to be balanced, and not like a teenager with an explosive character. It can explode in an instant and ruin the mood. I called him to dinner. yelled at the kids and threw a plate of food into the sink. He doesn’t worry at all about ruining people’s mood. Mostly in the evenings. This happens every day. He sits in the room by himself, if I come in to talk, he shouts “leave me alone, go away.” But he says that I am a nice person.

I have two kids. She walks with the children, does men's work around the house, and works. But his rudeness is very annoying. We don’t go anywhere together, he doesn’t want to, we went to church. No sex for 6 years. Watches porn. I don’t work, I’m at home with the kids, I have nowhere to go. I quit drinking and smoking. I'm very tired, How can I stop this rudeness? He often has such an evil look! It hurts a lot. What to do? I'm in constant stress and don't see a way out. He himself said that he was connected with me because of the children.

Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:

Archpriest Andrey EFANOV

God's blessing be upon you!

You know, situations of acute family conflicts, especially long-term conflicts, are not a topic for letters. You need to go to the temple and talk with the priest, and I would advise you to start with this: come or call the temple and ask how you can arrange a personal conversation with the priest. This conversation should not be a one-time thing; you need to discuss your situation, your internal problems, fears, and so on, and begin to regularly confess to this priest and, based on his advice, build your spiritual life. This is important because in a difficult situation, the internal state is the first place to start.

At the same time, you need to contact a psychologist and go through several sessions with him, so that, again, with his help, you can understand yourself. And if the priest tells you what to do from a spiritual point of view, how to establish a relationship with God and what church means will help here, he will psychologically tell you how to put your thoughts in order on a more mundane, earthly level.

Such a deep analysis of the situation and self-analysis will at least allow you personally to understand what led you to such a situation and what you can do here. We are talking about you, because you cannot do anything for your husband, but for yourself it is very possible to understand about the situation.

And constantly pray to God and the Mother of God so that they will help you understand the situation. Maybe it’s worth asking the patron saints of you and your husband for help and reading the prayer “Thy apostles are a union of love...”, inserting the names of you and your husband.

With the help of a priest and a psychologist, turning back and looking at the present, perhaps you will understand what is happening and why and what you can do about it.

A very important point is that the husband used to drink. It’s good that you quit, but if you read the literature and talk to experts, you will find out that such people become very nervous. Perhaps the nerves become aggravated in the evenings at precisely the hour when the person used to drink. He doesn’t drink, he holds on, it costs him enormous effort - and it spills out in the form of conflict. A good psychologist (maybe not the first one you find) will tell you what to do here. Perhaps, after a conversation with a specialist, you will suggest that your husband seek help so that he too can feel better. If it becomes easier for him, it will become easier for the whole family. This is difficult, men are not very willing to do such things, so pray to God and follow the advice of a psychologist, what he will tell you after learning your circumstances in more detail.

Alas, I can’t say more, because we need to sit down and talk. I really wish that peace reigns in your home and that your relationship with your husband improves!

Other reasons for constant screaming and humiliation

Lack of sexual and emotional satisfaction. Perhaps your husband is deprived of your support, does not feel your feelings and simply does not understand how exactly you feel about him. Every man needs a sensual woman for whom he will move mountains. And many wives tend to waste their potential on solving the problems of their relatives, girlfriends, and children. It is because of this that all sorts of problems often arise in many couples. After all, gradually your husband begins to move away from you and throw out his anger, as well as resentment, in scandals.
Social unfulfillment of men. Very often, it is extremely important for representatives of the stronger sex to succeed as a specialist, to achieve heights and recognition. Only in this case will he be confident in himself and the future. If he chose the wrong job and was not fulfilled, over time the entire flow of his dissatisfaction will pour out on his chosen one.
Stress from the modern rhythm of life. Not all men are able to withstand the difficulties of today's life. If there is a rush at work, and the boss is throwing up and rushing around, you can add to this the delay in salaries and standing idle in traffic jams, then it is possible that in the evening a lot of complaints await you. In this case, it is very important to understand the characteristics of your spouse. Try to limit him from additional stress. Perhaps he is used to having his shirt always ironed and waiting for him on the hanger, and borscht, in his opinion, should always be with sour cream. Try to make your husband as comfortable as possible at home.

Signs that your husband doesn't love you

Noticing that the husband has ceased to respect, women immediately think that love has also passed. You can take a test on the Internet on how to understand that a husband has stopped loving his wife , but psychologists have identified several signs that a husband does not love his wife :

Irritability. Every little thing has started to irritate him; he can lash out over a dirty plate or over-salted soup. Most likely he is annoyed by your presence.
Ignoring opinions. He began to make all decisions on his own, without asking your opinion, because he was no longer interested in it.
Lack of tactile contacts. He doesn't hug, doesn't kiss, and avoids close contact.
Indifference. He is not interested in your well-being, mood, and listens to your stories without interest.
Lack of care. He doesn't help around the house or show concern when you're not feeling well.
Lack of jealousy. He doesn’t care where you are or with whom, he stopped showing jealousy.
Lack of intimacy. He doesn’t need intimacy, which means he most likely satisfies his needs elsewhere.
Avoiding spending time together. He constantly looks for reasons to leave home, communicates more with friends, and stays late at work.

If you notice several signs in your husband's behavior, it means his feelings have cooled. In this case, you need to know what to do if your husband doesn’t love you, but doesn’t leave you either .

Signs your husband doesn't respect you

You can understand that a husband does not respect his wife by the following signs:

Rejection of interests and needs. He does not respect your interests, work, considering it nonsense.
Criticism. Constantly criticizes your appearance and abilities.
Lack of interest in life. Not interested in your well-being and problems in life.
Insult. Allows himself to insult you.
Physical violence. Uses force towards you.
Treason. Pays attention to other women, compares, and in advanced cases, openly cheats.

If you notice the first signs of disrespect, when the husband began to raise his voice and criticize, then the situation can be corrected. But many women do not attach importance to the first signs, and then wonder what to do if a husband mentally harasses his wife .

Consequences for the child

You may be surprised, but your children receive the most significant blow from your spouse’s insults and humiliation. After all, it really only seems that the child is in no way involved in the conflict. In fact, the mother is always and in everything a protector for children, and when she is offended, the child loses the much-needed feeling of security. As a result, he is subjected to severe stress, which can gradually manifest itself in a craving for sadism, theft, various phobias and other psychological deviations.

If we are talking about humiliation and insults of a husband in front of a child, then all psychologists unanimously agree that there is only one way out of the situation: to stop everything that is happening. And there are many options here: starting with all sorts of psychological seminars and ending with a complete break in relations. Each individual situation may have its own way out.

When you shouldn't do anything

In what cases should you not try to save a relationship:

a man openly declares a lack of feelings, the reasons may be different, up to the appearance of another woman, in this case it is unlikely to be possible to save the family, and sacrificing children and oneself is simply pointless;
not only you, but also your children have psychological problems;
you feel hostility towards your spouse, there is no more love.

And remember the main thing: if you experience fear of your husband, excessive depression, a feeling of hopelessness and fear for your child, you can always seek qualified help by calling the crisis helpline for women. Believe me, any problem can be solved, the main thing is not to despair.