How to survive pregnancy loss - advice from a psychologist

January 15, 2019

The loss of pregnancy is experienced by a woman on four levels - hormonal, mental, emotional, social, because her body is created as the cradle of a new life. Therefore, the loss of a fetus at any stage is perceived as a disaster.

Her closest circle – friends and relatives – can help a woman overcome her grief. However, their help can only be effective if they know the basics of psychological support for such cases.

How to help survive pregnancy loss: advice for loved ones

If one of your family or friends has experienced pregnancy loss, you can support them with the words: “You are not alone. I'm very sorry this happened. How can I help you?" Try to help the woman recognize her right to grieve - this is the first small step towards healing.

Grief has its own path. It may consist of 5 stages of overcoming a traumatic situation: 1. Denial. "No! This can't be! 2. Anger. “I hate everything and everyone!” 3. Search for reasons. "Why? Who is guilty? For what?" 4. Apathy. Depression. “I don’t want anything...I don’t have the strength...”

1. Adoption. “I can't change anything in the past. But I have a present and a future.”

The development of the condition in each case is individual in duration and intensity. A person, depending on individual characteristics, may skip several stages or become fixated on one, return and move on again. The general task of getting out of a traumatic situation is to realize what happened and allow yourself to live with this new experience of grief.

Everyone experiences grief in their own way, at their own pace. It is especially difficult to experience what happened alone, muffling, repressing and not recognizing painful emotions.

Why is it important to acknowledge and live through emotions? This will allow you to let them go in the future.

How does a conversation with a psychologist differ from campaigning?

— When a person turns to a psychologist, what is the boundary between the psychologist and the client? Can a psychologist convince, persuade, advise, promise something, etc.?

— If we take the quality standard of a psychologist’s work, then a good specialist, of course, should neither persuade nor convince. But it should help a person look at the problem more broadly. Help him with assessing internal and external resources - and then the person can make a more informed decision.

A person comes to a psychologist with some problem that he has formulated for himself. He may become fixated on something, exaggerate something, see something incorrectly, or name something inaccurately.

After all, he doesn’t just “think” about the problem, he worries, and it’s difficult for him to see things soberly, objectively.

And therefore he can see something that does not exist, or think up some consequences that will not happen. The task of a psychologist is to turn a person to a broader perception of the context of what is happening to him.

— Let’s consider a situation when a woman with an unplanned pregnancy finds herself in a psychologist’s office. By the way, do we have a state psychological counseling service in this case, or do all psychologists in antenatal clinics work for NGOs?

— There is a public service. In particular, we cooperate with a psychologist who works at the central clinical hospital in the city of Safonovo, Smolensk region and is a psychologist at the antenatal clinic. That is, a woman who declares that she wants to have an abortion is automatically referred to this psychologist.

— That is, now a pre-abortion appointment with a psychologist in a antenatal clinic is already a normal situation, included in the compulsory medical insurance?

- I don't know how widespread this is. Perhaps this is not everywhere, like everything else here, even if it is prescribed in the standards of medical care, but essentially this no longer causes any surprise. Although I think that the idea of ​​the need for such assistance was initially promoted by NGOs.

Dealing with destructive thoughts and feelings

Destructive thoughts and feelings that a woman experiences after pregnancy loss can be directed both at herself and at others.

In relation to oneself, a feeling of guilt is formed, a feeling of being inferior, broken, empty, pathetic and even dirty.

In relation to others, a complex of reducing oneself develops, a false impression of condemnation from others, a lack of sympathy and understanding.

To overcome this condition it is necessary:

• communication with friends and acquaintances;
• expressing your emotions and feelings through painting, poetry, letters, journaling;
• forming a support group of people you trust (this could be close friends, relatives, professional psychologists).

It is very important not to ignore or hide these emotions from yourself, but to live through them and let them go. Be patient, give yourself as much time as you need.

How a couple can cope with the consequences of an abortion

Unfortunately, often the couple does not even attempt to resolve this difficult situation. And the question is not at all about the reluctance of partners, but about one of the psychological manifestations of post-abortion syndrome - denial. Both the existence of the problem itself and the need to make any decisions are denied. Experts have encountered cases where a woman denied the very fact of having an abortion, and she was completely sincerely confident that she was telling the truth. The situation was so traumatic for her that all memories of it were simply repressed. It was not possible to save the relationship with my husband after the abortion in this situation.

Therefore, the first thing that needs to be done to save a relationship after an abortion is to admit what happened, admit the responsibility and guilt of both partners. A woman really needs the silent support of a man, which will give her the opportunity to grieve and survive this situation. A man’s respect for these experiences will unite the couple, restore the woman’s respect and trust in her partner, and give her strength to continue saying “we.” A man is required not to leave a woman alone with her emotions and experiences, to be extremely patient and not to rush her.

If you understand that your couple is not able to cope with the consequences of an abortion on their own, contact a specialist. Sometimes attending 1-2 consultations is enough to be able to “let go” of the situation, start living and making plans.

When do you need help from a psychologist?

If your condition does not change and you feel that your emotions are going in a vicious circle, increasing depression and indifference, keep in mind that this may be a sign of the formation of a psychological complication known as complicated grief syndrome .

Its signs: anxiety, numbness, fear of children or fixation on another child, similar memories, nightmares .

Like any complication, this syndrome requires immediate intervention from specialists.

Acknowledging and processing loss is an important component of healing. At the same time, ignoring this fact and repressing emotions hinders recovery and can cause behavioral deviation (actions that do not correspond to generally accepted norms of behavior). A psychologist or psychotherapist can quickly help you break the vicious circle and find a constructive way out of the situation.

Natalya, 45 years old

Today my child could be 22 years old. In 1992, I was pregnant with my second child, which my husband and I really wanted. But as the pregnancy progressed, I began to feel a little strange, as if everything was not going as it should. Since I already had experience with a daughter who was born healthy, I was worried that my pregnancy was going to be painful. I decided to see a doctor after I felt weak while walking in the park. Sitting down on a bench, I tried to relax, but all I felt was just a heaviness in my lower abdomen.

On the same day I was taken by ambulance to the maternity hospital where I was supposed to give birth. The doctor who examined me was very tense. At that time there was no ultrasound as such, so they “listened” to me with a stethoscope. I remember the moment when the doctor said: “I'm sorry, but the baby is dead. I can not do anything". At that moment it was like I was hit by a train. Her phrase “I can’t do anything” was even heavier than the lifeless fetus inside me. No one offered me an abortion, since it was not popular in government institutions.

I was told I had to wait until I had a miscarriage, which meant walking around with a dead body inside until I went into premature contractions. With this I was sent home.

I was shattered into a thousand pieces when my husband picked me up and took me home. We were silent the whole way, and I gathered my will into a fist and tried to prepare my body for a miscarriage. My body became so pliable that it didn’t take long to have a miscarriage. That same evening I called an ambulance, saying that I was giving birth. They brought me back to the maternity hospital, quickly transferred me to the delivery room, and now the doctors were standing over me.

My daughter was born in complete silence. A year later, I realized how bad everything was with domestic medicine, because I could have developed sepsis and I myself could have died. Doctors should not force women to go through the agony of carrying a dead child in their wombs. This is dangerous and psychologically unbearable. I'm still grieving for my daughter, whom I didn't even hold in my arms and didn't even have time to think of a name for.

Signs of behavioral deviation after pregnancy loss

Deviation, as a rule, begins as a defense against too strong emotions in the form of masking or denial of grief and loss. It may occur daily or periodically. Exacerbations may be due to dates (anniversary of loss, planned date of birth, etc.).

Deviation can manifest itself in the form of:

• prolonged groundless anxiety;
• self-flagellation;
• eating disorders (starvation or constant overeating);
• refusal of marital relationships and communication with loved ones;
• formation of addiction (games, medications, alcohol, etc.);
• workaholia or any phobia;
• sexual dysfunction or violent relationships, etc.

All these conditions are associated with a complicated experience of loss and require qualified help. Do not give up! Look for an opportunity to restore the resource!

How to get out of depression after an abortion

Not all women are depressed after an abortion. But for many, grief from the loss of a child becomes a real psychological wound. Sometimes such conditions are called post-abortion syndrome, which is informally classified as a type of post-traumatic stress disorder.

For some women, sad memories of an abortion come again and again, for others they are “muffled” by the mind to get rid of the pain.

In the first case, the woman often suffers from “triggers” (visual memories and sounds reminiscent of the abortion), nightmares, and thoughts caused by the abortion that increase her grief. But in the second case, suppressed emotions of grief can greatly harm everyday life through depression, anger, and irritability. This is sometimes called “emotional toxicity” (Peter Frost).

7 Signs of Emotional Toxicity:

1. There is constant protection from someone or something;
2. The perception of the surrounding reality changes;
3. Biased criticism of everyone and everything;
4. Life is ruled by uncertainty;
5. The person does not feel like himself;
6. Blocking emotions prevents you from moving forward;
7. Inability to get rid of things that cause suffering.

All of the above may not be realized by a person. Patients do not connect what is happening with the psychological wound after an abortion. It is more difficult to understand cause and effect when the consequences appear after 10-15 years.

What is important to know after pregnancy loss

To avoid complications associated with pregnancy loss and move on with the belief that everything will be fine, it is very important to understand the following:

• The possibility of healing is as real as the fact of loss. The experience itself contains the potential for restoration.
• There is no predictable bereavement experience. Every person is unhappy in their own way. The only thing that is predictable is the presence of a way out and a constructive solution.
• Even very close and empathetic relatives or friends are not always able and able to provide adequate support. You need to understand this and contact specialists in time.
• You have the right to the support of others and the time and space to heal. Each path of overcoming is unique.

Freedom has limits

Photo from mhealth.org

— In this case, can we say that a woman goes to a psychologist and leaves him, being in the same situation?

- Yes, the psychologist does not solve the situation. He will not change his husband (if he stays at home) and will not give the woman money... The main thing is to turn women’s attention towards their own lives and help them evaluate their own resources and prospects.

Sometimes pre-abortion counseling specialists are able to arrange an appointment where there will be a couple rather than just one stressed woman. In this case, the likelihood of refusing an abortion increases.

And we must not forget about the child’s right to life. We know that the border of freedom of one ends where the border of freedom of another begins.

The decision to have an abortion is a violation of the freedom of the child and an encroachment on his rights. Live, love, work.

And here is the important point. A pre-abortion counseling specialist must accurately consider the life that has been born to be an unconditional value. Sometimes only he can act, as it were, “on behalf of the child.” This technique underlies a number of techniques for working with women wishing to have an abortion. And it is this position of the specialist and his faith that ultimately drives the process of searching for resources during counseling.

— What is a resource, and what are they? What exactly is a psychologist looking for together with a woman?

“It is important to find new opportunities that a child will bring into a woman’s life. The opportunities that she has in her environment. Here the technique is partly similar to how they work with women who leave their children in maternity hospitals - it is important to provide the woman with a sense of physical and psychological safety and find people who could support her, especially at the first most acute stage.

The main thing is to warn a woman against insufficiently informed decisions, which she herself will regret after a while.

In general, the prevention of abortion can be considered the initial stage of preventing abandonment of newborns. After all, the unformed position of the mother can lead to both consequences. This means that a pre-abortion counseling specialist must work to ensure that the woman sees herself as the mother of this child.

General recommendations of a psychologist

In any situation, you cannot escape reality and not allow your emotions to come out. If a person experiences a traumatic situation alone, then he needs to talk through it, writing down thoughts in a diary or on a voice recorder. After recording, it is important to review what has been stated several times and, when you decide that everything has been said, destroy what you have written.

You can write several symbolic letters and talk about the feelings and experiences that you experience. Remember: this is not for publication anywhere. After creation, these letters are subject to mandatory destruction (burn, tear into small pieces, etc.). The purpose of these activities is to release pain and relieve suffering.

If you have a social circle that helps you survive the loss, you need to talk through all the memories associated with the circumstances of what happened (from the moment you decided to have a child or learned about pregnancy to the very fact of the loss).

When forming a circle of support - loved ones who will live with you during this difficult period, it is necessary to exclude people who are dishonest, prone to gossip, distortion of information or manipulation.

If you are in doubt about whom exactly you can trust, then the ideal solution would be to contact a specialist.

The help of a psychologist specializing in such conditions is necessary if:

• the period has not been overcome in 3-4 weeks;
• there is no trusted person with whom you could talk through absolutely all stages of the situation;
• there is a feeling that the experience has been prolonged and there is no way out;
• there is a feeling that you are not able to cope with the problem on your own;
• there are signs of destructive behavior;
• there is a need for support and understanding.

Your main task is not just to survive the loss, but to completely restore resources for future life and new projects.

Psychological consequences of abortion

Termination of pregnancy is a very common phenomenon in our country. About 85% of women have had an abortion at least once, compared to 25% in the United States. Therefore, the question of psychological consequences and relationships in the family after an abortion is more than acute and relevant.

At the legislative level, the abortion procedure is permitted; moreover, it is paid for from the state budget and is included in the list of compulsory medical services. However, existing moral standards and religious views clearly negatively interpret a woman’s desire to have an abortion. Due to the pressure of public opinion, according to studies, 50-60% of women simply hide the fact of having this operation.

A woman by nature is called to be a mother and raise a new life, which gives her the fullness of her own life. Even if at the level of consciousness and reason she believes that she had no choice, and the decision to have an abortion was influenced by insurmountable circumstances, deep down, at a subconscious level, she experiences pain, guilt and a sense of loss. Due to the inability to talk about your pain, share it, and possibly receive help from qualified specialists (psychologists, psychotherapists), psychological complications arise after an abortion, the external manifestations of which can be delayed for months and even years.

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Experts call some of the most common and destructive complications post-abortion syndrome, sexual dysfunction, and personality disorders, the main manifestations of which can be:

• depression;
• feelings of inferiority;
• destructive behavior;
• outbursts of aggression and anger;
• psychosomatic disorders;
• sleep disorders;
• Denying the existence of a problem.

Sometimes the woman herself cannot explain what is happening, why her behavior is changing so much. The whole complexity of the problem lies in a woman’s attempt to rationalize a stressful situation for herself, without receiving the support of loved ones. This leads to the fact that all her pain goes to the subconscious level. Unfortunately, in this situation, the relationship after an abortion in a couple may not develop in the best way.

Recommendations for your inner circle

The most important thing is that at any stage a person should feel supported. It is necessary to find ways of communication that are acceptable to him. He should know that he can contact you at any time of the day, and this is convenient and allowed.

Are you having difficulty conceiving or maintaining a pregnancy? ISIDA clinic specialists have everything necessary to help you find the happiness of motherhood. We will be glad to see you among our patients. Any questions? Call 0, +38 and we will be happy to answer them. Or ask your question on our website and we will definitely answer it .

Marina, 30 years old

My husband and I were expecting our second child and were very happy about this event. At 12 weeks of pregnancy, an ultrasound showed a defect in the development of the fetal neural tube - encephalocele. The doctor who monitored my pregnancy presented me with an unbearably difficult choice: I could agree to an abortion, or continue the pregnancy and hope that the child would be born with normal brain activity, if at all. It was terrible, but my husband and I decided to terminate the pregnancy.

This was a girl whom we already fell in love with, whom we were waiting for and preparing for her appearance. I still remember her as if she were a child already born that our family lost. Today she could be 5 years old, she would go to kindergarten, and our life would go on as planned. I understood that abortion in this case was a way to protect the family from pain and loss. Today there is a lot of talk about abortion and how wrong it is, how immoral and sinful it is. But every time I imagine how difficult it would be for my husband and daughter to watch my fatal pregnancy and then say goodbye to a dead family member, I know that I made the right choice, if you can even call it a choice. I always advocate for abortion rights because it is so much more than just reckless murder. For a very large number of women, this is truly the only way out, which is not as easy as it seems judgmental.

general information

The rehabilitation course after many gynecological operations and any abortions includes a set of measures aimed at preventing complications and long-term consequences. Minimizing the risk of their development after a vacuum mini-abortion, as well as medical termination of pregnancy, is achieved through a phased planned therapeutic and preventive effect on the interested organs and systems of the female body. This program will be useful in that it promotes treatment and recovery after an abortion, and normalizes the hormonal function of the internal genital organs.

Useful tips that a woman is not recommended to do during the first 3-4 weeks after an abortion:

• have sex;
• use tampons;
• take a hot bath, go to the sauna;
• lift weights;
• perform exercises with a load on the abdominal area.

These recommendations from a gynecologist are aimed at reducing the risk of bleeding and inflammation of the pelvic organs. After the intervention, treatment is usually required, because as a result of an abortion, the uterus suffers most from complications. Moreover, she receives quite serious damage after a long-term abortion. Particularly severe injuries are caused by scraping with instruments.

How to avoid post-abortion syndrome

As a rule, women who are fully aware of their action experience abortion more easily than young girls who do not understand how to live after it. In any case, this shock requires a woman to have great willpower and spirit, a strong character, so as not to break the fragile female nature.

The following tips will help you get back to life quickly:

• Self talk. It is very important to sit down and think carefully about the reasons that prompted you to have an abortion, about the circumstances that could not have happened otherwise. There is no need to reproach yourself and say “if only”, blame for what is happening and empty your brain, you need to let it go as the past. If it gets really hard, then it’s better to cry a lot and cross this line and start living again.
• Forgive yourself. It is very important to receive forgiveness from your soul for this act, sincerely and with all emotions to express a request for forgiveness to yourself and your baby, you can go to church and repent of your sin.
• Find good reasons. We are only human and often make mistakes, so we need to find reasons that will determine the action and help in the fight against self-flagellation.
• Don't isolate yourself. Walk down the street with friends and family, be in company more often, in the fresh air. Fresh news and conversations will breathe strength and energy into life, you just need to give your loved ones access to your feelings, fears, and all emotions. If you have a loved one, then going through this incident together is much easier than alone, because the support of your loved one and kind words will help better than any treatment from the best psychologists.

Returning to normal life will not be easy; the world around us will no longer be the same. A woman who has terminated a pregnancy will have her sense of reality completely turned upside down, her values ​​and way of life will change, but time heals. The larger the wound in the soul, the more time it will take to heal, the main thing is to believe in the best, remain optimistic and know that life goes on.

The psyche of a woman during a medical abortion

Since abortion with pills is carried out in the early stages (there is no fetus yet - the fertilized egg is expelled), and does not require anesthesia and surgical intervention, the moral consequences in this case are somewhat lower. There is no point in the patient grieving for something that has not yet happened.

Women are more likely to worry about an unpleasant situation, their partner’s behavior, or their health than about the decision they have made. The mental consequences are mitigated by the following circumstance: pharmaabortion does not lead to infertility, and a woman can give birth to children when she is ready. This means that she won't have to reproach herself at least about this.

The psyche of a woman during a surgical abortion

If a woman decides to have an abortion at a long term - after 7 weeks of pregnancy, the stage begins to search for rational reasons why this is the “best” decision for her, the couple and the baby. Doubts gnaw at many pregnant women even after the start of anesthesia on the operating table.

Upon awakening, there may be shock from the lack of what the patient imagined. She wanted everything to be the way it was before conception. But it will never be like that again. Many women experience the day of surgery as if it were a dream.

Symptoms of post-abortion syndrome can occur not only immediately after surgery, but also long after the procedure. And the only way to heal in such a situation is to have truly compelling reasons for terminating the pregnancy.