A man doesn’t help with money or how to make money correctly

He comes home from work and goes straight to his beloved four-legged friend. And he lies in front of the TV until the night comes, until it’s time to go to bed. Sometimes I even bring him dinner there - to the sofa. And so on day after day. Am I not tired after work?

This story can be heard from many women - practically the “couch pandemic” of our time. What to do with a “sofa” husband, and what do you need to know about the roots of this problem?

“Darling, did you have lunch today?”, “Don’t forget to wear a scarf!”, “Do you want gingerbread for tea?”, “I’ll bring a clean towel now,” etc. For some reason, after a while, a woman forgets that there is no one living next to her a sweet little boy, but quite a grown man. Who (wow!) is able to take a towel, stir sugar in a mug, eat and find the TV remote control in the room.

After all, he did all this on his own once? And how! And he didn’t die of hunger. And not overgrown with cobwebs. And even the buttons were always in place. And today, after work, you rush around the house like an electric broom (lessons, dinner, laundry, etc.), and he gives you valuable instructions from the sofa.

What should a wife do if her husband lies on the couch all the time and doesn’t help around the house? COLADY presents instructions for wives from a psychologist.

Photo on Unsplash

The main reasons for male stinginess

• The woman initially showed her independence. This happens if a lady likes to demonstrate her independence. Such people especially like to pay for themselves even on dates and do not accept any gifts from men, considering them handouts or a kind of bribery of feelings. Once a man agrees with such life principles, he is unlikely to continue to show his gentlemanly qualities.

• Male consumers do not see the point in excessive wastefulness. When his relationship with a woman has everything he needs: attention and care, as well as regular sex, he stops making material investments. However, men most likely do not see such ladies as future wives, unless, of course, they are very rich people.

• The unfortunate suitor simply does not understand that the material component is an obligatory element of love courtship. At the same time, he looks like a very romantic admirer, constantly talks about his feelings, wants to be nearby all the time, etc. Many women believe that the more a man values ​​a relationship, the more generous he should be. Therefore, the stinginess of the gentleman against the backdrop of a relationship full of romance baffles them.

• Some women don’t know how to beautifully hint to a fan that they want to receive small gifts or even financial support. They believe that their gentleman himself should guess about this and literally read their thoughts. Ladies do not take into account that men do not have natural intuition and understand direct requests better than vague hints.

What happens before and after a baby arrives in the family?

Pregnancy and childbirth are a difficult period in a woman’s life, because during this time she often experiences discomfort and then severe pain. During this period, most husbands try to support their beloved wife and do everything to make her feel better. But after the birth of a child, some spouses change before our eyes - they absolutely do not want to participate in the process of caring for the baby and raising it.

The arrival of a third person in the family is an important and somewhat stressful event. The baby is a completely helpless little person who requires constant attention and care. Therefore, a new mother and father have to learn to bear equal responsibility for their child.

Many men do not help a woman with a child, placing all responsibilities on her shoulders

In order not to be disappointed in your loved one after childbirth, spouses should share responsibilities equally at the initial stage of their life together. And when planning a pregnancy, discuss the difficulties that await them and come to an understanding. Spouses who are used to negotiating and doing household chores together have a much easier time experiencing the birth of a child.

If at first a woman caring for a child on her own copes, then over time she gets tired of the usual loads. She begins to get nervous, make trouble and demand help from her husband. The husband thinks that the woman is exaggerating, and in fact she is not that tired. It seems to him that caring for the baby is her direct responsibility. He plays the role of breadwinner in the family and has the right to proper rest after work.

Men do not like criticism from relatives and lose the desire to take care of the baby

Should a man provide financial support to the woman he loves?2

• The problem through the eyes of a man

Some women, entering into a relationship, believe that their new boyfriend should shower them with gifts and provide all sorts of material signs of attention. But a love relationship is not yet the stage at which it is worth putting pressure on a man and demanding financial expenses, because in fact, he does not owe his new passion anything.

He is an illegitimate spouse to provide for his partner and improve her standard of living. Therefore, if a woman bothers her boyfriend with money requests and demands, then most likely he will try to end such an “unprofitable” relationship in which he is perceived only as a wallet.

• Women's opinion

Absolutely any woman is pleased to receive gifts, go to restaurants at the expense of her gentleman, go to resorts, etc. In addition to the fact that such signs of attention allow you to significantly save on the purchase of expensive things and a pleasant pastime, this is a kind of indicator of a man’s attitude towards his lady.

After all, as you know, men like to show concern for the women they love, feel important, be a hero and consider themselves the main breadwinner. If he invests money in his beloved, it means he hopes for a future together and sees her as a potential wife. They understand that in the future these investments will pay off: the wife will create comfort, take care of the housework and raise children.

1. Should men help their women with money? Experienced psychologists, when asked whether it is possible to ask men for money, authoritatively declare that this is not only possible, but also necessary. They put forward the following arguments as evidence:
2. An overly independent and financially independent woman loses her femininity in the eyes of a man and prevents her partner from caring for her.
3. Since ancient times, women have been financially dependent on men, so the independent behavior of a lady seems to show a man that, in principle, he is not particularly needed, since it is quite possible to do without him.
4. If a woman refuses material support, then the man will find another more grateful object and will “spend” money in a different direction.
5. If a woman wants a man to truly consider her his life partner, then she must definitely ask him for money. All people, and especially men, value most what they get dearly. After all, such an “acquisition” costs them a tidy sum, which they earned through hard work, denying themselves rest and pleasure.
6. Men like to create. He evaluates any woman he likes as a project, according to the principle “if I invest in her, then what will I have as profit?” Therefore, the more money he spends on a woman, the more valuable she looks in his eyes and the more difficult it is for him to part with her.

Why a man doesn’t want to help a woman around the house - 10 reasons

1. You, with your own hands, “made” a man into a sofa dweller . Stop doing your spouse’s “work.” There is no need to wake him up in the morning for 20 minutes, wondering if he got there well and if the evening prunes worked. Let your husband be independent.
2. As a rule, a woman understands that “something is wrong” when she experiences chronic fatigue, lack of sleep and constant depression. Until this moment, she calmly drags a cart of worries on herself, without thinking about injustice. And, of course, naively believing that her husband would certainly appreciate her sacrifices. Alas and ah. He won't appreciate it. And not because he is such a parasite, but because for him this is already the norm.
3. “He can’t do anything without me - he can’t even cook potatoes!” You are mistaken. It’s just convenient for him not to know how to do anything. Do you really think that a man who is capable of professionally solving business problems, making complex calculations and quickly understanding the most complex equipment cannot wash the dishes, cook sausages or throw laundry in the washing machine?
4. “If I don’t jump around him, he will go to the one who will . Another stupidity. Men love not for the skillful washing of dishes or even for the pies every evening for tea. It’s just that even then, at the very beginning, you missed this important point: you should not have freed him from homework, but divided his “joys/sorrows” in half. Then he would help you now out of habit, without even thinking about whether this is a man’s business.
5. “After his help, I have to redo everything after him . So what? Moscow was not built in a day! Your child, when he first washed a blue T-shirt with white socks, also did not know that white things can stain. Today he does his own laundry because he learned how to do it. Give your husband the opportunity to learn. You, too, will not be able to professionally hang a shelf in the kitchen, using a drill for the first time.
6. Do you want your beloved husband to help you? Make him want it. Not a scream from the kitchen - “When will you, you snake, get up from this sofa and fix the faucet!”, but a gentle request. And don’t forget to praise him for his work, because he has “golden hands”, and in general “there is no better man in the whole world.” Even if you are a little disingenuous, it will still be more pleasant for your husband to help your affectionate wife with peeling potatoes, who can appreciate his help, than the vixen who rides on his ears from morning to evening.
7. Don't take on too much. You are not a horse. Even if you are able to carry this burden of worries on yourself for another twenty years, pretend to be weak and helpless. A man wants to take care of a weak woman, but there will be no such desire for a strong woman. Because she can handle it herself. You don’t need to drive the nail yourself - call your husband. There is no need to tighten the nut on a leaking faucet - that is also his job. And if you have to combine dinner and homework with the children, then you have the right to share responsibilities with your husband - you do homework with the children, and I cook, or vice versa.
8. There is no need to take his help as manna from heaven, fall at his feet and kiss his footprints in the sand. But you certainly need to be grateful.
9. Don't force or coerce. Just stop washing windows, be late for dinner, forget about washing shirts, etc. Let him understand that you are not a robot, but a person who has only two hands, and even weak ones.
10. If nothing helps, your spouse continues to lie on the couch and is not going to help you at all, then think about it - do you really need such a husband?

Why is it difficult to ask a man for money?3

• There are financially secure women who simply do not need other people's money and gifts. They are able to buy anything for their beloved, so asking a man for something simply won’t occur to them.
• Women with a certain upbringing have problems asking men for money. They could have inherited this pattern of behavior from their mother or grandmother, who had an unflattering opinion of the stronger sex and preferred to do without their handouts.
• From childhood, many mothers try to instill modesty in girls, so they forbid asking or taking anything from men, even if they persistently offer them something. Only such behavior corresponds to the image of a “lady”.
• Often women do not dare to ask their men for material signs of attention, realizing that their relationship does not have a solid foundation and the gentleman is not going to invest in such a short-term “project” as another mistress.

Conversations

Before using “heavy artillery,” you need to try to come to an agreement with your husband.

5 arguments in favor of the fact that a husband should help his wife around the house:

• A woman is not a robot. She also gets tired sometimes and may get sick or go on a business trip. Who will take care of the household chores then? You can't let housework rest on your shoulders alone. We need to support each other and at least occasionally replace each other.
• If a wife works equally with her husband, then household chores should be divided in half. And somehow it turns out unfair.
• Making money doesn't justify being a jerk. A self-sufficient person is able to serve himself and clean at least minimally. And it’s certainly unforgivable for any person to act like a jerk: throwing socks and toothpicks around, walking around the apartment with shoes on, not washing up after themselves and not using a brush.
• A woman loaded with household chores is tired, unkempt and angry. She needs help to take time for her beauty and recovery. Then she will again be cheerful, light and flirting, as at the beginning of their acquaintance.
• The owner of the house and head of the family is the husband. If everything is so, then the husband is responsible for the household. His responsibilities include monitoring and promptly eliminating breakdowns, as well as managing his wife as his assistant. And if the wife does all this, then what is the husband’s role? Rest? Alas, the heads do not have such a prerogative. Even presidents and directors.

How to ask for money correctly4

It’s worth starting with the fact that the man is normal and has some money, then he will be happy to spend some of it on the woman he loves. However, you need to be able to correctly formulate your request so that a man does not form an opinion about her as a notorious bitch.

1. For requests, you need to choose the right time when the man is well-fed, in a good mood and has no problems at work.
2. Men don't understand hints well, so you shouldn't tell him what beautiful shoes your girlfriend bought, he may not understand that his beloved wants to buy a new pair of shoes.
3. A woman should ask confidently, without stiffness, and not as if she was put on the porch to beg.
4. You must justify your request. Explain why the money is needed, how it will be used, how much is needed and what the outcome of the purchase will be.

If the gentleman answered in the affirmative, you need to thank him with all your heart and say that you were counting on a positive answer, because you did not doubt his generosity and care.

Should your spouse help?

First you need to realize that household chores are among women's responsibilities. However, as we know from psychology, in order for a healthy atmosphere to reign in a marriage, it is advisable to accustom the husband to daily household chores. If your chosen one cleans up, at least after himself, he will very soon learn to appreciate your work, and the house will become cleaner and more comfortable.

Decide which responsibilities you will perform and which will go to your husband. Let your spouse know what you do, such as washing, cooking and ironing.

Don't take on tasks that a man should do. If a faucet leaks at home or a painting falls, calmly remind your chosen one about this. But don’t start demanding that your partner drop everything and run to hammer a nail. In this case, you will not achieve results.

What to do if your husband is greedy?

Psychologists say that a woman is able to consider a greedy and overly economical man even in the first stages of dating and developing a relationship. If a partner does not give gifts or show signs of attention to his potential bride, most likely he does not consider it necessary to spend money on this. In the future, such a man will consider that his woman is satisfied with such a life and will not change his habits. It is likely that the greedy spouse will not consider it necessary in the future to provide not only for the woman, but also for the children. If the husband does not give money for the child, this is a serious reason to sort out the relationship with him and perhaps visit a consultation with a psychologist.

Perhaps the man does not fully understand the need to spend a significant amount of money and therefore does not give cash to his wife. In this case, a sincere conversation will work favorably, in which the girl can talk about the necessary expenses and agree with him on the subsequent provision of a check or a report on the money spent. Although, this fact may indicate mistrust between spouses.

Hit below the belt

It happens that it is impossible to reach your husband in a good way. If you are so boiling that you simply can’t stand it, you can use “prohibited techniques”:

• I'm leaving work. Say that housework takes a lot of time and you cannot combine both being a housewife and your main job. Find job openings and show how much housekeepers and nannies are paid. If you do everything around the house yourself, it turns out that you work 2-3 jobs.
• It's yours... put it away. If your husband ignores your requests, collect all the trash and dirty laundry and put it under his nose.
• Vacation. Without saying anything, take a ticket to the sea or to a sanatorium. Before leaving, confront your husband with a fact. Let him try to cope with household chores without you. Maybe he'll learn something. If not, at least you can rest.

Explanation of male passivity from a psychological point of view

If you try to find an answer in psychology to the question “Why doesn’t a man want to help solve problems?”, then the explanation may be as follows.

Men and women look at the world with completely different eyes. For women, it goes without saying that they understand when someone needs help - it’s in their nature. How care, mercy, and compassion are also inherent. Mother Nature rewarded men with other virtues: the desire to fight for leadership and defeat competitors.

Secrets of the subconscious. Why is fear needed and how to overcome it?

These two worlds, despite their close intertwining, often do not understand each other. In relationships between men, unspoken laws say: help can be equated to insult, since the “helper” believes that the other does not have the strength to complete the task. Of course, a man can ask for help, but only when he clearly understands that he cannot cope on his own. That is why he does not strive to be active until he is asked to do so.

Women, in turn, often do not ask for help because they are afraid of being rejected. They may hint at the need for support, but men do not understand allusions well. You need to talk to them directly.

So it turns out that a woman plows around the house like a horse, and then, completely exhausted, begins to reproach her husband: “Can’t you see that it’s hard for me? Is it really that hard to help? Why do you always have to ask? It is necessary, otherwise don’t complain that your husband is a heartless dork. No one can read another's mind.

There is no shame in asking for help in some matter. Naturally, there is no need to demand or persuade, a simple: “Help, please” for an adequate man is a signal for incredible activity and the manifestation of remarkable dexterity.

By the way, remember that any person is pleased to receive gratitude for work done. Your partner is no exception. Tell him “Thank you” even for minor assistance, and next time he will be even more willing to get down to business.

Slowly but surely

Experienced women divide unhelpful husbands into Kings and Pigs. The former argue their point of view by saying that helping is not the royal business, while the latter, in principle, consider cleaning unnecessary. There is an opinion that neither one nor the other changes. But as we know, water wears away stones. Psychologists advise using detailed instructions for men instead of requests:

Say directly what kind of help you need from your husband: “help me wash the dishes,” “please collect your socks,” “repair the outlet tomorrow.” Men do not understand hints, and will certainly ignore your sighs, groans and lamentations.

Reasons for lack of finance

Sometimes a woman believes that her husband is simply sparing money to support his family, but in reality he may have difficulties with the process of earning money. Psychologists say: this aspect is very important, since a man can limit his family financially only because he chooses the most important and personally necessary areas for financing. In this case, one should recognize the presence of a serious psychological problem, which consists of incorrect attitudes. They block the subconscious and do not allow you to go beyond your usual earnings.

Is it worth getting a divorce?

Many divorces occur precisely because of financial problems, and this may be the only solution to the problem. If you are not ready for a separate budget, and the man is categorically not ready to provide for you, then you should think about divorce and find a man who is ready to be the breadwinner in the family.

How to force your husband to give money?

If conversations do not help correct the situation and the husband still does not give money, more stringent and radical measures can be taken. They will help a man understand how difficult it is for his other half without financial support. A wife may limit her husband's food, citing lack of money. Another quite effective method is to send your spouse shopping so that he can see the cost of food and household items. Similarly, you can use receipts for payment of utilities and child care facilities. In this case, the man will understand that his wife is not deceiving him and really needs financial help.